Phil: He's not going home? He's never been away from my mom for longer than a doctor's appointment.
Claire: Honey, I know. I told you.
Phil: I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers. It turns out I'm one of 'em. It's a miracle I didn't end up a stripper.

Gloria: What were you thinking? Who takes a little boy to a horror movie? That's loco, Jay.
Jay: This is no big deal. You want scary? When I was his age, I lived through the Cuban Missile Crisis. I slept with a butter knife under my pillow in case I had to fight some Soviet colonel.
Gloria: Why would they send a Soviet colonel to get a little boy?
Jay: Because I could identify every commie plane.

Jay: [aside to camera] One of the greatest days of my life was when my old man sprung me from school and took me to the track. I wanted to do the same type of thing for Manny, plus I figured when Gloria heard about it, maybe it pays off in the bedroom. I wonder if that's why my old man did it. Oh, crap.

Cameron: [aside to camera] I used to be a music teacher, but I gave that up as soon as Lily came along.
Mitchell: Yes. Well, we just felt that it was really important that one of us stayed home to raise her, so-
Cameron: Yeah, and that's not a judgment on other people's choices. It's just that we happen to be a very traditional family.
Mitchell: Mm-hmm. Yes, that's what the disabled lesbian shaman who blessed Lily's room said too.

Frank Dunphy: Cameron, so good to see you again. Now that is a shirt.
Cameron: Oh, well, thank you, Frank. I get 'em online. I'll send you a link.
Frank Dunphy: Oh, well, at home, I smoke sausages. I'll send you a link.

Jay: Didn't expect to find you here.
Frank Dunphy: Well, listen, when my granddaughter's boyfriend's band plays an under-21 club with my daughter-in-law's brother's gay partner, I show up. That's just how I was raised.
Jay: I don't think you met my wife, Gloria.
Gloria: Hola.
Frank Dunphy: Oh, it's a pleasure. You are a lovely woman.
Gloria: You must be Frank.
Frank Dunphy: Okay, then, you are hotter than a Las Vegas sidewalk on the Fourth of July. Did I go too far?
Jay: Not you, Frank. No.

Phil: [answering phone] Honeydew! What's up?
Claire: Guess who's here. Your dad! He drove his R.V. All the way up from Cocoa Beach.
Frank Dunphy: Hey, Son, working hard? He's gonna say "Hardly working."
Phil: I meant to tell you he was driving out.
Frank Dunphy: Did he say it?
Claire: Oh, yeah.
Frank Dunphy: Good kid.

Phil: Dad?
Frank Dunphy: Come on in! It's open! Hey! Ah, don't tell me. You need a cup of sugar.
Phil: [chuckles] Nah. Just, uh- I was just wondering, I don't know, uh- Anything on the old noodle?
Frank Dunphy: Other than a bad toupee? I'm kidding, of course. This is my real hair.

Frank Dunphy: Good news, you two. You're getting your driveway back. I'm hitting the open road in the morning.
Claire: Oh, already?
Frank Dunphy: Yeah.
Phil: Anxious to get home and see Mom, huh?
Frank Dunphy: No, I'm just gonna drive wherever the wind blows me, which is usually into the next lane.
Alex: Can we get some sodas, Grandpa?
Frank Dunphy: Okay, but just one. I'm driving.

Phil: [on the phone] He wasn't supposed to show up for a few more days.
Claire: Well, guess what he brought us. A dog to keep.
Phil: Yes! Yes.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Yes, I should have told Claire about the dog, and I was going to. But I was just waiting for her to be in the right mood. Actually, I did get one right mood a couple nights ago, but I cashed that in for something else.