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47Quotes from ‘Travels with Scout’

Modern Family: Travels with Scout

121. Travels with Scout

Aired April 28, 2010

When Phil's father stops by in the RV, Claire thinks he's holding back an emotional issue from Phil. Meanwhile, Cameron fills in as the drummer in Dylan's band, and Manny is traumatized when Jay takes him to see a horror movie.

Quote from Phil

Phil: He's not going home? He's never been away from my mom for longer than a doctor's appointment.
Claire: Honey, I know. I told you.
Phil: I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers. It turns out I'm one of 'em. It's a miracle I didn't end up a stripper.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: What were you thinking? Who takes a little boy to a horror movie? That's loco, Jay.
Jay: This is no big deal. You want scary? When I was his age, I lived through the Cuban Missile Crisis. I slept with a butter knife under my pillow in case I had to fight some Soviet colonel.
Gloria: Why would they send a Soviet colonel to get a little boy?
Jay: Because I could identify every commie plane.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] One of the greatest days of my life was when my old man sprung me from school and took me to the track. I wanted to do the same type of thing for Manny, plus I figured when Gloria heard about it, maybe it pays off in the bedroom. I wonder if that's why my old man did it. Oh, crap.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] I used to be a music teacher, but I gave that up as soon as Lily came along.
Mitchell: Yes. Well, we just felt that it was really important that one of us stayed home to raise her, so-
Cameron: Yeah, and that's not a judgment on other people's choices. It's just that we happen to be a very traditional family.
Mitchell: Mm-hmm. Yes, that's what the disabled lesbian shaman who blessed Lily's room said too.

Quote from Frank

Phil: [answering phone] Honeydew! What's up?
Claire: Guess who's here. Your dad! He drove his R.V. All the way up from Cocoa Beach.
Frank Dunphy: Hey, Son, working hard? He's gonna say "Hardly working."
Phil: I meant to tell you he was driving out.
Frank Dunphy: Did he say it?
Claire: Oh, yeah.
Frank Dunphy: Good kid.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [on the phone] He wasn't supposed to show up for a few more days.
Claire: Well, guess what he brought us. A dog to keep.
Phil: Yes! Yes.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Yes, I should have told Claire about the dog, and I was going to. But I was just waiting for her to be in the right mood. Actually, I did get one right mood a couple nights ago, but I cashed that in for something else.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] My dad is awesome. He's awesome. He's always up. He's always happy. I mean, he and I are best buds. We're like two peas in a pod. Or Siamese twins. Or a snake with two heads.
Claire: They've actually been all those things for Halloween.
Phil: Yeah.

Quote from Dylan

Luke: I always wanted a dog. Thanks, Grandpa.
Claire: Okay, but remember, having a dog is a major responsibility. Everyone in the family has to pitch in.
Dylan: Can do, Mrs. D.
Claire: Not you, Dylan.
Dylan: Oh, phew. 'Cause I got a lot on my plate right now.

Quote from Frank

Frank Dunphy: Cameron, so good to see you again. Now that is a shirt.
Cameron: Oh, well, thank you, Frank. I get 'em online. I'll send you a link.
Frank Dunphy: Oh, well, at home, I smoke sausages. I'll send you a link.

Quote from Luke

[Scout barks]
Alex: I think he wants to go out. Good boy.
Phil: Smart dog.
Claire: I hate to break it to you, but I think all dogs can do that.
Luke: I'm gonna play outside. [runs into the screen door] Ow! What happened?

Quote from Frank

Phil: Dad?
Frank Dunphy: Come on in! It's open! Hey! Ah, don't tell me. You need a cup of sugar.
Phil: [chuckles] Nah. Just, uh- I was just wondering, I don't know, uh- Anything on the old noodle?
Frank Dunphy: Other than a bad toupee? I'm kidding, of course. This is my real hair.

Quote from Luke

Luke: [trapped in the dog cage] Guys, little help? I have to go to the bathroom, and I'm not gonna do it in here.

Quote from Frank

Frank Dunphy: Good news, you two. You're getting your driveway back. I'm hitting the open road in the morning.
Claire: Oh, already?
Frank Dunphy: Yeah.
Phil: Anxious to get home and see Mom, huh?
Frank Dunphy: No, I'm just gonna drive wherever the wind blows me, which is usually into the next lane.
Alex: Can we get some sodas, Grandpa?
Frank Dunphy: Okay, but just one. I'm driving.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: What's that?
Jay: That's Ben. That's the guy who was in the movie. I figure when Manny sees him, sees how nice he is, he'll realize it's all pretend.
[Ben walks up to the house and realizes the doorbell doesn't work]
Gloria: You think that will work?
Jay: Guy's a sweetheart. Manny's gonna spend two minutes with him. He'll explain how the movie's made. He's even bringing his fake machete. Thing's made of rubber.
[Ben walks around the side of the house]
Ben: [knocking on the window] Hey, are you Manny? I'm here for you. Look what I got.
Manny: [screaming] Mom, he's here!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I thought this was a one-time thing?
Cameron: Are you kidding? We destroyed in there. Did you hear that one lady screaming my name?
Mitchell: That was Phil. He had a Red Bull.

Quote from Frank

Frank Dunphy: It's nothing.
Phil: Oh, it's nothing? Nothing to do with Mom?
Frank Dunphy: No! Well, yeah. I've fallen in love.
Phil: Oh, my God. Who is she?
Frank Dunphy: He!
Phil: What?
Frank Dunphy: It's that little guy right over there. [to Scout] Come on over here. Come on. Come on. There you go. Ah, look at him. Driving across country, this little bastard nuzzled his way right into my heart, didn't ya?
Phil: So this is just about you not wanting to leave the dog? Well, you should tell Mom.
Frank Dunphy: Those three days on the road with him were the happiest of my life.
Phil: You should leave that part out.

Quote from Luke

Luke: [chasing Frank's RV] Bye-bye. Bye, Grandpa! Love you! Bye, Dad. Bye, Grandpa! I love you!
Phil: Luke, stay! Luke, stay!
Luke: Come back soon! I'll see you later!
Phil: Luke, stay!
Claire: Luke!
Phil: Stay!

Quote from Frank

Jay: Didn't expect to find you here.
Frank Dunphy: Well, listen, when my granddaughter's boyfriend's band plays an under-21 club with my daughter-in-law's brother's gay partner, I show up. That's just how I was raised.
Jay: I don't think you met my wife, Gloria.
Gloria: Hola.
Frank Dunphy: Oh, it's a pleasure. You are a lovely woman.
Gloria: You must be Frank.
Frank Dunphy: Okay, then, you are hotter than a Las Vegas sidewalk on the Fourth of July. Did I go too far?
Jay: Not you, Frank. No.

Quote from Claire

Phil: [on the phone] Am I in trouble?
Claire: Oh, really, really big. [patting the dog]
Phil: Okay, I'm a little scared. How bad is this?
Claire: Oh, well- We have a new rule: no sleeping in the bedroom.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Geez, I didn't recognize you without that old-guy makeup on. You know, you and Mitch knocked The Sunshine Boys out of the park.
Ben: Mitch was really great in that. I always thought he should be an actor.
Jay: Yeah, he's got a real job now. He's a lawyer. How about you?
Ben: Still acting.
Jay: Fantastic.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, how'd it go in there?
Manny: No cavities. And I got a free toothbrush.
Jay: Hey, you want to go to the movies? I just heard about a good one.
Manny: But I'm supposed to be in school.
Jay: Well, you're supposed to floss too, but you got away with that one. Come on. Let's go.

Quote from Frank

Frank Dunphy: Your mother-in-law just had to have the dog. Turns out she's allergic.
Claire: And the pet store didn't have a grace period or a return policy or anything?
Frank Dunphy: I got him from the pound.
Phil: [entering] Was there a twister in Kansas? 'Cause there's a house in my driveway.
Frank Dunphy: Welcome home, Mr. Dunphy.
Phil: Uh, always a pleasure, Mr. Dunphy.
Frank Dunphy: Indeed it is, Mr. Dunphy. Place it there.
Phil: Oh, I shall. I shall.

Quote from Frank

Phil: Oy. This must be Scout, huh?
Frank Dunphy: I should warn you. He sheds. I made the mistake of letting him sleep with me on the road. Now my sheets look like two bigfoots did it. [to Claire] Pardon the language.
Phil: How's Mom?
Frank Dunphy: Speaking of big feet, eh? She's on a cruise with her girlfriends, some of which are not totally unattractive.

Quote from Haley

Dylan: Haley. I gotta go.
Haley: What's wrong?
Dylan: That was Brian. He just quit the band.
Haley: What? Why?
Dylan: He's moving to Portland. His parents got back together.
Haley: Oh, that sucks.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: Maybe you can find another drummer.
Dylan: No. I think it's too late for that now.
Cameron: I play drums.
Dylan: Huh?
Cameron: Well, I mean, I haven't played in a while, since Lily's come along, but if you're in a jam, I can jam.
Dylan: Well, I totally would, but I'm not sure we like the same sorts of music, you know?
Cameron: Oh, what, because I'm gay, I'm just gonna want to play show tunes?
Dylan: No, because you're old.
Cameron: Wow. That hurt more, Dylan.
Haley: Give him a chance. It's better than canceling.
Dylan: You're right. I don't want to lose the deposit on that fog machine.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I am telling you, Phil, the man was crying.
Phil: That is impossible. My dad is the happiest guy on earth. It probably just sounded like he was crying. Have you heard the noise he makes when he gets out of a chair?

Quote from Phil

Phil: No, if something was wrong, my dad would tell me about it.
Claire: No, Phil, he wouldn't, because you guys never actually talk about anything.
Phil: We talk all the time. He crank calls me at work, like, three times a week.
Claire: Crank calls don't count.
Phil: Counts for fun.
Claire: No, honestly, I think that you should find out what's going on with your dad.
Phil: It's going to be nothing. My dad isn't like your dad. There's nothing deep and dark inside. His hard candy shell is just hiding more candy.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Well, hopefully this is- this is like riding a bicycle, and it'll all come back to me. [bass drum] That's the loud one. So here we go.
[Cameron gives a plodding performance]
Dylan: Hmm.
Cameron: Oh, silly me. I had the sticks in the wrong hands.
[Cameron gives an amazing performance]
Dylan: Wow.
Neil: Dude, you should label those sticks.
Cameron: [clicks tongue]

Quote from Manny

Manny: Is that the alarm? Has our perimeter been breached?
Jay: It's not the alarm. The doorbell won't stop ringing.
Manny: Maybe a demon is ringing it.
Jay: Not a demon.
Gloria: Ay! Who keeps ringing the doorbell?
Manny: We're pretty sure it's a demon.
Jay: Oh, yeah? [pulls the box off the wall] There. If it were a demon, it would keep on ringing.
Manny: Not if he's already inside. I'm getting a weapon.

Quote from Manny

Jay: [to Gloria] Look, all I'm saying, being scared is part of growing up. Manny will get over this. It builds character.
Manny: [holding fencing sword] I'll take the first watch. You two might as well get some rest. It's gonna be a long night.
Jay: [to Gloria] Character.

Quote from Frank

Frank Dunphy: Wait a minute. I want to ask you something. Am I putting you in a bad position with this whole dog thing? Claire seemed a little put out.
Phil: Oh, don't worry about it. Claire didn't like me at first either.
Frank Dunphy: I can't blame her. Dismissed!

Quote from Frank

Phil: Oh, Dad, um, you know what? I, uh- Claire saw something, and she'd kill me if I- if I didn't ask.
Frank Dunphy: What is it?
Phil: Would you wear pants to breakfast, for crying out loud?
Frank Dunphy: You got me again. Right in the funny bone.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Look at this.
Phil: How did he get ahold of your bra?
Claire: Well, uh, we were out on a date, and he has a really nice car, so- How do you think? He got it out of the laundry basket. Can't take my eyes off that dog for a second.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I thought you were dealing with your dad.
Phil: Oh, yeah, I did. He's fine, so-
Phil: Whoa!
Claire: You got that from a two-minute conversation?
Phil: I asked him point-blank if he was okay. He said he was. So I just- Just swapped some jokes and moved on.
Claire: Phil, the man needs more of a push than that.
Phil: Look, if he wants to talk to me about it, he will. Geez, someone's panties are in a bunch.
Claire: I thought I was showing concern and-
Phil: No. Right there.
Claire: Oh, my God! That damn dog!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: What's up with 21 Jump Street?
Cameron: Oh, well, their drummer quit and I'm gonna fill in for him tomorrow night.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I'm not gonna let these fellas down. I made a commitment.
Mitchell: You made two commitments, okay? And you know how Pepper is. Everything has to be perfect. He gets mad if you don't wear a big sweater.
Cameron: Yeah, I remember. I got so hot last year, I almost went face down in the gruyere.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I just feel like I kind of need this.
Mitchell: To round out your college applications?
Cameron: It's just that because I'm always home with Lily I just feel like I'm going a little bit stir-crazy. Look at the den. Every time I finish painting it, I start all over again. It's like the Golden Gate Bridge. I'm gonna go back to jamming.

Quote from Mitchell

Jay: Hey, what's with the big sweater at a concert? Is that a gay thing?
Mitchell: No, Dad. It's for my friend Pepper's apres-ski fondue- Yeah. Yeah, it's a gay thing.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Hope they start soon. I don't think Scout likes to be left alone.
Phil: You love the dog.
Claire: No, I don't love the dog. I love my couch. And the dog was looking at it like it was a giant sausage.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Well, the plan was to watch him for 10 minutes and then run out to Pepper's party. But he was so great up there. How-How could I leave? It was his moment. And his moment went on for a really, really long time. Turns out I could have run to the party and made it back for the end of his moment.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Que pasa Que pasa Que pasa. [Manny cries] Ay! We're gonna need a bigger bed!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Good luck following that, Ringo.

Quote from Frank

Frank Dunphy: I believe this belongs to you. I don't want to drag the house along with me.

Quote from Frank

Phil: Come on. I don't think you're being honest with me. I- I know something is going on with you. What's up?
Frank Dunphy: Something up? Well, my boxers are, uh, riding a little high.
Phil: I'm not in the mood for jokes right now, although you nailed that.

Quote from Frank

Luke: I don't want to keep Scout if it makes Grandpa sad.
Claire: Yeah, I know, sweetie. But Grandma has allergies, so Scout has to stay with us.
Phil: Well, she could always just get some allergy shots.
Claire: Honey, you don't want to put her through that.
Frank Dunphy: Hell, back in the day, I got a vasectomy for her.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Dad. Dad. Please. Scout's- Scout's your dog. He should go with you.
Frank Dunphy: Okay, you twisted my arm. Thanks, Son. Thanks for poking through the armor.
Phil: You're poking through the armor down there.
Frank Dunphy: What?
Phil: Made you look.

Quote from Claire

Phil: [aside to camera] I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I might have actually gotten even closer with my dad.
Claire: I can't believe he took my dog.


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