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‘Fifteen Percent’ Quotes

Modern Family: Fifteen Percent

113. Fifteen Percent

Aired January 20, 2010

Mitchell is offended when Jay introduces Cameron to his pals as "a friend of my son's", so he gets his revenge by suggesting one of Jay's pals is gay. Meanwhile, Manny arranges a date over the Internet, and Claire is stumped by the new TV remote Phil bought.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Just stop it, please. Don't you see how hard this is for me? See, I used to be just like one of those guys. Now look at me. I got a house looks like Little Colombia. I got a gay son and a Chinese granddaughter.
Mitchell: Vietnamese.
Jay: Only you would know the difference.
Mitchell: Don't worry, Dad. Not growing too much.

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Quote from Gloria

Whitney: I'll just be alone for the rest of my life. And that's okay.
Gloria: No, don't say that. In my country, there's a saying that means "Love is just around the corner."
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I come from a neighborhood with a lot of prostitutes.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] I think it's adorable that Manny has a date. He even picked out the lunch menu: grilled-cheese sandwich and tomato soup. Tomato soup because, you know, the tomato soup is like the blood. And the vampires like to eat the blood. [chuckles] And then he wants me to take them out for ice cream, well, because Manny likes ice cream.

Quote from Manny

Whitney: This is so humiliating. I am sorry.
Gloria: It's okay.
Whitney: He just seemed so mature online. How could I be so stupid?
Manny: You're not stupid. "Stupid" is not following your heart and taking a chance on love.
Whitney: I mean, what kind of 11 -year-old talks like that? [crying]
Gloria: Manny's an old soul.
Manny: [to Whitney] Here. Use my handkerchief.

Quote from Manny

Manny: I'm sorry this didn't turn out like you wanted.
Whitney: That's okay. Probably didn't turn out how you wanted it either.
Manny: I'll tell you what. If neither of us is with anybody in 10 years, how about you and me give it a shot?
Whitney: That's disturbing. But maybe.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Seriously, Claire, you owe me an apology for breaking that.
Claire: Okay. Phil, I apologize for breaking the world's worst remote that you bought stupidly.
Phil: Excuse me, but the experts at CNET.com rated it the best remote. They gave it three and a half mice.
Claire: Wow. I have an idea. Let's invite the gang from CNET over and your old buddies from cheerleading, and we can have a nerd party.
Phil: Ling is not a nerd. He built his own helicopter. And if he was alive today-
Claire: Sweet pea, let's not talk about Ling. It upsets you too much.

Quote from Mitchell

Florist: [entering] Florist.
Mitchell: Yes. Come on in. He's over there with the flowers.
Cameron: Hello. I don't know what happened. They just, uh, somehow lost their vigor. [flowers catch fire] They were like this when we came home.
Mitchell: Cam. Cam.
Cameron: [screaming] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! God, God!
Mitchell: Look at that. Two things flaming at once.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I came out of the closet in my mid-20s. I had to actually come out to my dad three times before he finally acknowledged it. I'm not sure if maybe he was hoping he heard it wrong, like I had said, "Dad, I'm gray."
Cameron: And my parents, they always just knew. My mother says labor with me took 36 hours because I came out of the womb like this, [jazz hands] "Hello!"

Quote from Phil

Phil: Why would you do that to a brand-new, very expensive remote?
Claire: Because I lost my temper, and it didn't work. Therefore, it's useless.
Phil: Well, honey, when it comes to anything electronic, you're not exactly the best student.
Claire: I am very smart. I had a 4.0 in college. How about you?
Phil: I was almost that despite my substantial time commitment to cheerleading.
Claire: I thought we agreed not to bring up the cheerleading.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Cheerleading in my college was cool. The football players were so jealous, they wouldn't even let me and my buddies - Trevor, Scotty and Ling - go to their parties.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Can people change? Well, that's a- That is a tough one, but I would say yes. People can change. That's what I believe anyway, and I will till the day I die.
Claire: You do realize you're proving the exact opposite of your point?
Phil: See? She's changed. She used to be very supportive of me.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Where were you pointing it?
Claire: At the TV.
Phil: [laughs] This- Honey- Uh, no. I'm sorry. It's- It's a home theater.
Claire: What, so I can't point it at the TV when I want to watch the TV?
Phil: No. You point it at the receiver.
Claire: What's a receiver?
Phil: Okay, imagine our home theater system is a human body. So then the receiver is the brain. The TV is the face.
Claire: I know what part you are.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hi. I'm Cameron.
Jay: Oh, geez. I'm sorry. Guys, this is Cameron. He's a friend of my son's. This is, uh, Scotty, Dale, Hugo and Shorty.
Cameron: It's nice to meet you guys. You guys look like a scene out of Jersey Boys. [chuckles]

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Ay! So handsome!
Manny: Thank you.
Gloria: Manny, are you wearing aftershave?
Manny: Yes, for my date. This will be the first time she will ever smell me.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: Her name is Whitney. I met her in an online book club. We both like vampire fiction and the romance of eternal life.

Quote from Mitchell

Jay: Look at these guys. They look like they came out of the 1800s. You see Hugo over there? After lunch, he ordered a Sanka.
Mitchell: No, they're not the ones that are uncomfortable with this. You are. You've never been completely accepting of me. And now that I have a family, it's getting a little old.
Jay: These guys don't understand the gay thing. Why create an awkward situation? That's all I'm saying.
Mitchell: That's weird, because your friend Shorty there, gay as they come.
Jay: You gotta be kiddin'.
Mitchell: Mm-mmm. No. My gaydar is never wrong, and it is pinging like we're at a bathhouse.
Jay: What are you talking about- gay? The guy used to be married.
Mitchell: Okay, that makes- So did Elton John, Merv Griffin, Cole Porter.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [on the phone] Hey, it's me.
Phil: Hey.
Claire: Listen, I've got a bunch of moms over here who wanna watch the talent show DVD, and I can't get the sound to work.
Phil: Is there a picture?
Claire: Yes. [tapping away]
Phil: Be honest. Did you do that thing where you get frustrated and you start pressing all the buttons?
Claire: No.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] I have a theory that Phil installs overly complicated things in the house just so he has an excuse to talk to me like a child. Last month, it was the thermostat.
[flashback:]
Phil: [singing to the tune of "The Wheels on the Bus"] The snowflake button makes it cold, cold, cold "Set temperature" makes it hold, hold, hold The little flame makes it hot-

Quote from Gloria

Whitney: I mean, men must throw themselves at you every day.
Gloria: They'II do the same for you if you just-
Whitney: Just what? Put out?
Gloria: No. Just- Like, the lipstick, the hair, push-up bra. You know. What's it matter?
Whitney: I'm never gonna be as pretty as you.
Gloria: Ay, believe me, this takes a lot of work. You just need to find your inner beauty.
Manny: It's hiding beneath a mask of insecurity.
Whitney: Okay, he's starting to freak me out.
Gloria: Manny, go play.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] When I was back East in law school, my dad used to call me every Saturday at 6:00 p.m., before people would go out, just to, you know, check in, catch up. And then, I think, the Christmas of my second year, I finally got up the courage to tell him. After that, I-I pretty much just talked to my mom.
Cameron: [quietly] Don't cry.
Mitchell: I'm not crying.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I'm home!
Gloria: We're here. This is Whitney. We're giving her a makeover.
Whitney: Hi. You have such a nice family and a really beautiful house.
Jay: Thanks. You two know each other how?
Manny: She's my date.
Jay: Of course she is. I'll be in here.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: You're not gonna believe this. Mitchell says Shorty's gay.
Gloria: Shorty? Yeah, I believe it.
Jay: Oh, come on!
Gloria: Well, he's a great dresser, a great dancer.
Jay: That doesn't prove anything.
Gloria: He's the only one of your friends that never hits on me.
Jay: My friends hit on you?
Gloria: Yes, all the time, but don't worry. They're a bunch of harmless old men.
Jay: They're my age.

Quote from Shorty

Shorty: You know, that guy's got a beautiful stroke. Look at his pants- no pleats. I like pants like that. You think I can get away with something like that?
Jay: Sure. Why not? Listen, Shorty, uh, we know each other a long time, right?
Shorty: What, 30 years?
Jay: Yeah. And, um, I sense that you got a secret that's maybe causing you a lot of anguish.
Shorty: You heard something, right?
Jay: Well, I had the same situation with my son, Mitchell.
Shorty: Really?
Jay: Yeah, and I didn't handle it too well either. And, uh, I just want you to know that you can open up to me, that I'm gonna do all I can to help you.
Shorty: Well, I mean I- I never said this out loud before to anyone. But I guess, if I did, it would be you. [chuckling] It's just that, Jay, you see, I'm, uh- I'm-
Jay: Go ahead. Yeah. Go ahead.
Shorty: I'm in debt.
Jay: Huh?
Shorty: I owe a bookie 20 G's, and he's a serious guy. And you offering to give me the dough- This is beautiful.

Quote from Shorty

Jay: Wait a minute. You're not gay?
Shorty: Gay? What are you talkin' about- gay? I'm not gay. Where'd you get gay?
Jay: Come on. I mean, you're always talking about clothes and everything, right?
Shorty: My father was a tailor. I like clothes. So what? Are you calling my father gay?
Jay: No!
Shorty: My father landed on Normandy to save your ass. You know, if you weren't lending me 20 G's, I'd knock you out right now.
Jay: Take a check?
Shorty: Cash would be better.

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: Cameron, this is my new friend, Whitney. Whitney, this is Cameron.
Cameron: Hello. It's nice to meet you. That is a spectacular dress.
Whitney: This old thing? [chuckles]
Gloria: What about her hair?
Cameron: Oh, my gosh. It's like Barbra Streisand in The Way We Were. One of my favorites.
Whitney: Me too.
Cameron: Okay, who is reading The Forevers?
Whitney: I am.
Cameron: I am so obsessed with this whole vampire thing right now.
Whitney: Me too.
[aside to camera:]
Whitney: I just met the sweetest guy named Cameron. I think he might be the one.

Quote from Shorty

Shorty: Jay. Jay. Listen, I wanna thank you for, you know, helping me out with that jam.
Jay: It was nothin'.
Shorty: No, no, no. And I got you a little present.
Jay: You didn't have to do that.
Shorty: No, I did. Two tickets to see the great Michael Buble. The guy sings like an angel. He's gonna be outside at one of the amphitheaters.
Jay: Gloria's gonna love it.
Shorty: No. I'm talkin' about you and me.
Jay: Oh, you and me.
Shorty: Yeah.
Jay: Well, that's a little-
Shorty: I thought maybe we could have a little picnic since it's outside. You know? I'll get some nice bottle of wine, a little cheese. Lay on a nice blanket. All right?
Jay: Yeah, fine.
Shorty: [to a passing man] Yo, hey. I like your hair. Who does your hair? Huh? Yo, handsome. Who does your hair?


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