Jay: Just stop it, please. Don't you see how hard this is for me? See, I used to be just like one of those guys. Now look at me. I got a house looks like Little Colombia. I got a gay son and a Chinese granddaughter.
Mitchell: Vietnamese.
Jay: Only you would know the difference.
Mitchell: Don't worry, Dad. Not growing too much.

Whitney: I'll just be alone for the rest of my life. And that's okay.
Gloria: No, don't say that. In my country, there's a saying that means "Love is just around the corner."
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I come from a neighborhood with a lot of prostitutes.

Gloria: [aside to camera] I think it's adorable that Manny has a date. He even picked out the lunch menu: grilled-cheese sandwich and tomato soup. Tomato soup because, you know, the tomato soup is like the blood. And the vampires like to eat the blood. [chuckles] And then he wants me to take them out for ice cream, well, because Manny likes ice cream.

Whitney: This is so humiliating. I am sorry.
Gloria: It's okay.
Whitney: He just seemed so mature online. How could I be so stupid?
Manny: You're not stupid. "Stupid" is not following your heart and taking a chance on love.
Whitney: I mean, what kind of 11 -year-old talks like that? [crying]
Gloria: Manny's an old soul.
Manny: [to Whitney] Here. Use my handkerchief.

Phil: Seriously, Claire, you owe me an apology for breaking that.
Claire: Okay. Phil, I apologize for breaking the world's worst remote that you bought stupidly.
Phil: Excuse me, but the experts at CNET.com rated it the best remote. They gave it three and a half mice.
Claire: Wow. I have an idea. Let's invite the gang from CNET over and your old buddies from cheerleading, and we can have a nerd party.
Phil: Ling is not a nerd. He built his own helicopter. And if he was alive today-
Claire: Sweet pea, let's not talk about Ling. It upsets you too much.

Manny: I'm sorry this didn't turn out like you wanted.
Whitney: That's okay. Probably didn't turn out how you wanted it either.
Manny: I'll tell you what. If neither of us is with anybody in 10 years, how about you and me give it a shot?
Whitney: That's disturbing. But maybe.

Florist: [entering] Florist.
Mitchell: Yes. Come on in. He's over there with the flowers.
Cameron: Hello. I don't know what happened. They just, uh, somehow lost their vigor. [flowers catch fire] They were like this when we came home.
Mitchell: Cam. Cam.
Cameron: [screaming] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! God, God!
Mitchell: Look at that. Two things flaming at once.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I came out of the closet in my mid-20s. I had to actually come out to my dad three times before he finally acknowledged it. I'm not sure if maybe he was hoping he heard it wrong, like I had said, "Dad, I'm gray."
Cameron: And my parents, they always just knew. My mother says labor with me took 36 hours because I came out of the womb like this, [jazz hands] "Hello!"

Phil: Why would you do that to a brand-new, very expensive remote?
Claire: Because I lost my temper, and it didn't work. Therefore, it's useless.
Phil: Well, honey, when it comes to anything electronic, you're not exactly the best student.
Claire: I am very smart. I had a 4.0 in college. How about you?
Phil: I was almost that despite my substantial time commitment to cheerleading.
Claire: I thought we agreed not to bring up the cheerleading.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Cheerleading in my college was cool. The football players were so jealous, they wouldn't even let me and my buddies - Trevor, Scotty and Ling - go to their parties.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] When I was back East in law school, my dad used to call me every Saturday at 6:00 p.m., before people would go out, just to, you know, check in, catch up. And then, I think, the Christmas of my second year, I finally got up the courage to tell him. After that, I-I pretty much just talked to my mom.
Cameron: [quietly] Don't cry.
Mitchell: I'm not crying.