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49Quotes from ‘The Help’

Modern Family: The Help

506. The Help

Aired October 23, 2013

Jay and Manny are upset when Gloria hires a male nanny. Phil's father, Frank, is in town and feeling lonely since he broke up with his girlfriend. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron hire Pepper to plan their wedding.

Quote from Ronaldo

Mitchell: I-I think we have to fire Pepper.
Ronaldo: That would kill him. He's on the brink as it is.
Mitchell: Why?
Ronaldo: Since the proposition ocho was overturned, he's done 50 gay weddings. The man is exhausted, searching for new ideas.
Mitchell: You said "ocho" and then you said "50."
Ronaldo: You see? Gays are so nit-picky. In a straight wedding, you just have to please the bride, but the gays have such strong opinions! It takes a toll on a great artist like Pepper Saltzman.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I should talk to my dad. You know what? He was pretty down after the divorce. I bet he has some insight.
Phil: Yeah, 'cause your dad's so in touch with people's feelings? When a man is overcome with emotion at a Celine Dion concert, you do not tell him to grow a pair!
Claire: Phil!
Phil: The ship went down, but their love lasts forever!

Quote from Manny

Gloria: I'm sorry that I ignored your feelings. I promise that I will try not to yell so much.
Jay: You're hired.
Manny: What?!
Andy: You better drink that smoothie. We're going on a run!
Manny: This isn't over.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: No begging. No begging. Stella, you're breaking my heart here.
Gloria: What's breaking your heart is that sausage and bacon. Can't you just pick one?
Jay: Don't worry. I'm gonna burn it off on the golf course.
Gloria: How, Jay? By riding the little cart or by kicking the ball back into play?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Here. I'm gonna take Joe Fulgencio to the park. Can you please stop by the grocery store?
Jay: Why doesn't the nanny do this? You got to be kidding me!
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Gloria has fired five nannies.
Gloria: I don't like another woman in my house. I want to be the star.
Jay: Stars have nannies.

Quote from Pepper

Mitchell & Cameron: Pepper!
Pepper: [singing] Here come the grooms All dressed in fun tuxes from my Pepper collection.
Mitchell: Ha, wow. Look at all your ideas.
Pepper: Honey, this is just the index. Ronaldo! I brought linens and place settings and invitations and stemware.
Ronaldo: Hello. I'm Ronaldo.
Pepper: Oh, don't be such a chatterbox. And go and fetch the platter box. Now, let's lose this couch.
Mitchell: Wow, you need that much space, huh?
Pepper: No, it's hideous. This can't be news to you.

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: Every wedding is unique, like a snowflake. [Mitchell gasps] And my job is to give you the snowflake that makes everyone die with jealousy.
Cameron: That's all we ever wanted.

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: No, I get it. You think I'm an idiot.
Cameron: No.
Mitchell: No! No, we don't, Pepper.
Pepper: Well, obviously, you know better than I. After all, I've only put on hundreds of magnificent weddings. Come, Ronaldo. They're not interested in planning a wedding. They're interested in hurting people.

Quote from Pepper

Cameron: We can consider purple. This is just a lot for us to take in.
Pepper: Of course. I get it. I Let the idea wash over you for a bit.
Ronaldo: We had also discussed a more neutral palette.
Pepper: Ronaldo! They're washing! [to Mitchell and Cameron] I'm sorry. He means well.

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: Now, let's talk about your entrance.
Cameron: Yes. Entrance.
Pepper: The idea of two men being able to marry seemed like a fantasy, so I see you riding down the purple aisle on a... Unicorn.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Gloria, we're back!
Andy: Here! Let me lighten your load.
Jay: Who are you?
Andy: I'm the new Manny.
Manny: Am I being replaced?
Gloria: Jay, Manny, meet Joe's new Manny, Andy.

Quote from Jay

Jay: That's a nonstarter. Keep looking.
Gloria: But he's perfect.
Jay: He's a man. It's weird. He's a weird man. He's like Phil, only I have to pay for him.

Quote from Ronaldo

Ronaldo: But you can have both. Casual elegance, classic with a twist.
Mitchell & Cameron: Go on.
Ronaldo: I'd start with raw, natural-linen table runners to bring the two worlds together. We eschew the classic round tables for rectangular farm tables, but keep the setting clean and modern. And then-
Both: Yes!
Ronaldo: No, I mustn't. This is wrong. Pepper is my boss and my mentor!
Cameron: Oh, and he's our friend. What are we doing?
Mitchell: We- We got caught up. We gave in to temptation.
Ronaldo: I-I should go.
Mitchell: Don't!
Ronaldo: I must. Vintage handkerchiefs for the guests to cry into. [Mitchell and Cameron gasp]
Mitchell: Ronaldo, wait!
Ronaldo: French bistro stemless wine glasses. I've said too much.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Hi, I'm Claire. I'm Frank's daughter-in-law, and I just want to thank you so much for coming and helping him out this way. It was my idea.
Phil: No, it wasn't.
Jeannie: Okay.
Phil: All right.
Claire: No, hey. I've never told anyone this. But I have always wanted to do what you do. I think I'd be really good at it.
Phil: No, she wouldn't.
Claire: What are you talking about? It's basically what I already do for the whole neighborhood. At least this way, I get paid for it.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: I didn't sleep a wink. I-I cannot stop thinking about Ronaldo.
Mitchell: I know. I dreamt our wedding made the cover of Modern Gay Grooms and that there was a magazine called Modern Gay Grooms.

Quote from Ronaldo

Cameron: Let's just ask him to let Ronaldo take the lead.
Mitchell: And- And risk hurting Pepper? For all we know, Ronaldo hasn't even given us a second thought.
Ronaldo: [entering] I couldn't stop thinking about you. What happened here yesterday was real.
Cameron: Oh, Ronaldo! We felt it, too.
Mitchell: But what about Pepper?
Ronaldo: I left him.
Cameron: What?
Ronaldo: It's over. He doesn't look at me the way you do.
Mitchell: Ohh, this is all happening so fast.
Ronaldo: For me, too. But my heart was racing when I left here. You are my muses-es.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Pepper, we can explain.
Pepper: Do you have any idea how hard I work?
Cameron: Well, maybe that's part of the problem.
Mitchell: I mean, you've been through the mill, Pepper. Heard it.

Quote from Ronaldo

Cameron: Pepper, do you hear what Ronaldo is saying?
Pepper: Of course I do. I'm not a fool. He thinks I can't set a table.
Mitchell: No.
Cameron: No, no, no. Ronaldo is in love with you. Go to him.
Pepper: What? You're in love with me?
Ronaldo: Si­. It is true. Yes.
Mitchell: God, that would drive me crazy.

Quote from Ronaldo

Pepper: Ronaldo, I-I don't know what to say. I mean, of course, when I hired you, I found you very attractive. That's why I hire all my people. But I I never thought you would find me...
Ronaldo: Perfecto? Because that's what you are. Perfect.
Mitchell: No. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I can't.

Quote from Claire

Phil: So, if I'm hearing you right, you're not so much mad about the prostitute in the kitchen as you are about my lying to you.
Claire: No, I'm mad about the prostitute in the kitchen.
Phil: Hmm.
Frank: That's my bad.
Claire: Yes, it is. It's your bad, Frank. Very bad. Look, I'm a progressive woman. I-I took a pole-dancing class. I sent my daughter to college with condoms.
Frank: Boy, now, I think that sends the wrong message.
Phil: Thank you very much.
Claire: No! You don't get to judge!

Quote from Frank

Frank: I never would have gone through with it last night, but, uh, Jeannie was so nice and professional.
Jeannie: Well, thank you, Frank. And for what it's worth, you got nothing to be nervous about. You were wonderful.
Frank: Really? You think so?
Jeannie: Yeah. If you love that woman, you should go get her back. She'll be lucky to have you. Seriously, I see a lot of guys your age. Most of them can barely...
Claire: Okay. Let's get you in that cab.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Good morning, boss, junior boss. Grab a seat and check it out. Egg-white omelet, high-protein smoothies, then I thought we could put on our running shoes and go-
Jay: I need to cut you off right there, chief. Seems my wife overstepped her bounds. Now, you seem like a nice guy.
Andy: Thanks.
Jay: But I don't think you're the best fit for this house.
Andy: Are- Are you serious?
Jay: I'm afraid so.
Andy: Okay. It was the underpants, wasn't it?
Jay: That didn't help.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Man, I came on too strong. Gosh dang it! My dad warned me about that when I turned 14. He said, "Son, you're about to be the man of the family. You got to learn to give people time to see how special you are."
Manny: Why were you the man of the family?
Andy: He sort of died.
Manny: How?
Andy: I don't want to bring you down, little man. Neither did my dad. He'd say, "My disease can't be all bad if it rhymes with 'answer.'" [oven chimes] Those are the flaxseed muffins that I just baked. I'll just take them out and get out of here.
Jay: Andy, wait. We're never gonna eat them.

Quote from Andy

Gloria: No! You make me hire these nannies that I don't like. But when I find one that I like, you fire him?! I am the one that spends most of the time around here! So I get to pick!
Andy: Shh. Sometimes the louder we are, the less we're heard.You're frustrated right now, aren't you?
Gloria: Yes.
Andy: Because you feel like they're not hearing you.
Gloria: Yes.
Andy: Well, that's exactly how they feel.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Life isn't easy. Sometimes we just need a little help. Getting your confidence back, getting on the same page, getting out of your own way. Or just getting moving. And I'm pleased as punch to be the one-
Jay: Okay, this is tough enough without all the yammering!
Andy: Sorry. Whoo!

Quote from Pepper

[All off screen as Lily expresses her frustration at having to listen to this:]
Pepper: What would you like to dance to?
Cameron: I have to tell you we have to have some sort of square dancing.
Mitchell: We're not doing country.
Pepper: No square dancing. There will be no hoedown tonight.
Cameron: My family is going to throw a fit. They'll riot.
Mitchell: We're not getting married for them. We're getting married for us.
Cameron: And I think we have a decorative cake out front, and then we have sheet cakes in the back.
Pepper: Oh, I see! Is that the theme you're going for. Ttacky?!
Mitchell: Sheet. Like a sheet.
Pepper: Oh, "sheet." I thought he said "chic cake.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: So, Marie, what do you feel like doing for dinner tonight?
Gloria: You're eating dino-bites because you are a little boy.
Manny: Mom!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] We're getting married in seven months.
Mitchell: Or eight months. I worry about it raining in April.
Cameron: Well, I worry about me sweating in May.

Quote from Frank

Phil: Hey, dad.
Frank: Morning, troops. Claire, I owe you a pack of lady razors.
Claire: I'm just gonna go stand out in the yard.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Tension between Haley and Alex has been getting pretty high, so our solution was to move Haley down to the basement, which we were just about to do-
Phil: When my dad came out for a weekend visit.
Claire: Two weekends ago.
Phil: After my mom passed away, he dated this woman named Annie, and she broke up with him, and then he seemed kind of down, so I invited him out.
Haley: [o.s.] Gross! Those are my socks!
Alex: [o.s.] They are not! Mom!
Claire: I'm just gonna pop outside.
Phil: I should get her a rake.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Welcome to King's Landing! I am the evil boy king, and I want your heads!
Gloria: Oh, look how much they all love you.
Andy: Ohh, thanks. I'm just trying to match the energy of their video games and whosits and whatnots.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I'm Andy. I'm her Manny - male nanny.
Gloria: Hi, I'm Gloria. This might just sound a little crazy, but I don't think Joan likes me.
Andy: Oh, that's not crazy. She doesn't. Her husband's always staring at you, and she's worried you're gonna steal him.
Gloria: What?!
Andy: [to Joe] Be happy, little guy. This world belongs to you.
Gloria: I would never steal anybody else's man, especially not her fat husband.
Andy: Hey, he's not fat anymore. I helped him lose 30 pounds.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Careful. If I bring you home scratched, I lose my deposit. I'm kind of a chef, too. Here, try this. It's quinoa. You actually burn calories while eating I-
Gloria: So, Andy, tell me, are you really happy with that Joan?

Quote from Claire

Luke: Are you sure, Grandpa? It might be fun.
Frank: Sorry, Luke. I just don't think I have it in me today.
Claire: Did you see that? When has your dad ever not wanted to pull Luke's finger? He's hurting, Phil. I think he needs to see a therapist.

Quote from Jay

Phil: [on the phone] Jay, what did you just say?
Jay: Take him out and meet some women. A thousand therapists couldn't do what Gloria did for me.
Phil: Oh, I agree. Claire was wrong.
Jay: I'll tell you what. I know a fun place. Tonight, you, me, and Frank out on the town.
Phil: Oh, fun! A three-way!
Jay: I already regret this.
Phil: Well, I'm excited, too. I got to get going, though.

Quote from Andy

Jay: Can I talk to you a second?
Gloria: No, thank you.
Jay: We're gonna need to discuss this.
Andy: I get it. I understand it's a big decision. But if it eases your mind at all, know that I'm not just here for baby Joe. I'm here for you, too.
Jay: Doesn't ease my mind at all.
Andy: My mission is to make all of your lives happier and healthier.
Jay: Is this because I ate that party sub?

Quote from Andy

Andy: Ohh! Crackers! I left my phone upstairs in the nursery. [to Manny] Could you grab it for me? [Manny rushes up the stairs] I know people get all squirrelly when they hear the word "healthy." Actually, Manny? My phone is in my pocket. Sorry, bud. [Manny comes down the stairs] But my goal is to get you healthy without- Nope! It is just a pack of gum. My phone is still upstairs. Without you even realizing what's happening. Wow.
I'm such a dodo. I didn't even bring my phone today.
Manny: I know what you're doing.

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: So, what do you think?
Mitchell: I like it. Also, is it a little Willy Wonka?
Pepper: You're tired. I'll come back tomorrow when you're ready to be more constructive.
Cameron: Pepper, no.
Mitchell: Pepper.
Pepper: Ronaldo, strike this. [flicks back his jacket] Sorry. I thought I was wearing a cape today.

Quote from Phil

Jay: I'm Jay. This is Frank and, uh, Phil.
Phil: Hi. Hey-lo. I mean hey. Or hello. I don't know.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, there's Casanova! I didn't hear you come in last night. So- So, uh, how did it go with Marcy?
Frank: Oh, it was okay. But I actually met someone else while I was waiting for a taxi.
Phil: Well, all right.
Frank: And she's downstairs right now.
Phil: Well, all right.
Frank: Truth is, I, um, have a bit of a situation. She says I owe her $500.
Phil: Please tell me you broke something of hers.
Frank: No, turns out she's a hooker.
Phil: You picked up a hooker?
Frank: Well, I didn't know she was a hooker.
Phil: We're in my kitchen. We have to stop saying "hooker"!

Quote from Frank

Phil: You got to get her out of here before Claire gets back from yoga.
Frank: She's not gonna leave until she gets the cash.
Phil: $500? I think you got ripped off.
Jeannie: Hey, can I have a hit of that coffee?
Phil: Oh, that's fine.
Jeannie: Trust me. He did not get ripped off. [slaps Frank's buttock]

Quote from Phil

Phil: $247. I'm gonna have to run to an ATM. How could you not know?!
Frank: Well, the drinks, the flirting. I couldn't think straight. Have you ever touched the smooth, taut skin of a 48-year-old woman?
Phil: I hope to one day, but that's not gonna happen if Claire gets home and...

Quote from Haley

Haley: Mom, I'm gonna throw up! Alex's hair smells like cheese!
Alex: It is not cheese! It is cruelty-free organic shampoo with traces of churned goat's milk!
Haley: So cheese! Ew, I need a bucket!

Quote from Claire

Claire: Ladies, we have a guest. I am- I'm really sorry about this. I'm just at my wit's end with these two. I don't suppose you have any experience with teenagers?
Phil: Oh, no.
Jeannie: You two remind me of me and my sister. We used to fight all the time. I used to accuse her of stealing my boyfriend. She would accuse me of trying to stab her. You know, sister stuff.
Claire: Oh, my God.
Jeannie: Trust me, if I wanted to stab her, that skank be stabbed.
Claire: She's not a therapist, is she?

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: Ronaldo left me.
Cameron: What?!
Mitchell: No!
Pepper: The swine! Someone put it in his head that he could do this without me. But mark my words, I will destroy him and whatever wedding he thinks he's planning.
Mitchell: Okay, well, that's one way to go.

Quote from Mitchell

Lily: Daddies, there's a man in the bathroom.
Pepper: What?
Cameron: That-
Mitchell: That's a Wiggles song.
Cameron: That's a Wiggles song.
Both: [singing] Daddy, there's a man in the bathroom There's a man in the bathroom He's in the shower
Mitchell: It's okay, honey. It's okay.

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: Ronaldo was nothing before I found him, living in squalor in a dump barely bigger than this. How could he do this to me?
Ronaldo: Because you never listen to anybody! I have good ideas, but you're too thick-headed to hear them!
Cameron: Ronaldo, how did you get here?
Pepper: It was you two. You plotted against me. I bet that's not even a Wiggles song, is it? Is it?!
Cameron: No.

Quote from Mitchell

Ronaldo: And whose fault is that?
Pepper: I feel like you're implying mine, but I really don't see it.
Ronaldo: How can a man with such flare for setting tables leave no seat for one who loves him?!
Mitchell: Oh, my God.
Cameron: Ronaldo's in love with Pepper.
Mitchell: I know. That's why I said, "Oh, my God."

Quote from Andy

Jay: [shouting] Gloria, I forgot my towel!
Andy: Here it is. Nice and toasty from the dryer.
Jay: Gloria!
Andy: She ran to the store. Breakfast in 5. Your underpants are pressed and on your bed.
Jay: Gloria!


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