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‘Crying Out Loud’ Quotes

Modern Family: Crying Out Loud

623. Crying Out Loud

Aired May 13, 2015

The family is determined to make Alex celebrate her senior ditch day and Phil, Luke and Haley forcefully take her out but end up at an unexpected detour. Claire is torn when she gets a job offer from a big hotel chain but feeling torn quickly gets replaced with feelings of confusion when she can’t tell whether or not Jay really cares if she stays or goes. And with Manny groggy off of pain killers from his wisdom teeth procedure, Gloria seizes the moment to put a sabotage plan into effect to break Manny and his new girlfriend up.

Quote from Haley

Alex: Mom, come on! I need to get to school!
Claire: Isn't today senior ditch day?
Haley: Today's ditch day? No way you're ditching ditch day. It's like the best week of senior year. Day.

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Quote from Haley

Claire: Unlike this house, the library will be completely quiet so I can focus on my roommate selection.
Haley: How long can picking a nerdy roommate take? They're all versions of you. Look. Indian you. Blonde you. Asian you. Oh, look. Her name is actually "Yu."

Quote from Claire

Claire: Skipping one day of school isn't gonna do any harm. I ditched plenty, and look at me today. I am fielding multiple job offers.
Alex: One job offer.
Claire: From a very prominent hotel chain weighed against the implied offer of staying at my current job.
Haley: Working for your dad.
Claire: Exactly. And I could never leave Grandpa. So I'm going to say no to the first offer.
Alex: Only offer.
Claire: Though I would have made an excellent regional vice president in charge of promotions.
Alex: She is great at promotion. That title gets longer every time I hear it.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Come on. Don't go to school. Girls' day. We'll swing by the mall. You could use a new everything.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Girls, get in the car. Luke's hurt.
Alex: Oh, my God.
Haley: What happened?
Phil: He collapsed on the way to school. He's in the hospital. Come on.
[in the car:]
Alex: What's wrong with Luke? Why did he collapse?
Luke: I heard he was dead. [Haley, Alex scream] Ha, ha. You care about me.

Quote from Alex

Phil: Alex, you have worked so insanely hard this year. You deserve this ditch day more than anyone. So, guess what? We're going to California Adventure.
Haley: Whoo!
Luke: Without Mom.
All: Yeah! [chanting] Ditch day! Ditch day! - Ditch day!
Alex: Is this a high holiday for you people?

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: That's it. I'm doing it. I'm throwing out all my socks and starting over.
Mitchell: And they say Tina was brave for leaving Ike.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Ow. Oh, God. That hurts.
Cameron: Oh, my gosh. You cut yourself.
Lily: Hey. Don't get blood in my eggs.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: We're getting concerned that Lily hasn't developed an adequate sense of empathy.
Cameron: Insofar as she doesn't have any at all.

Quote from Cameron

[flashback:]
Mitchell: Oh, that's good. I can feel it working.
Cameron: I know, I can finally breath.
Lily: I can't hear myself think [unplugs steamer]
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Nice preview of our sunset years.
Cameron: She literally pulled the plug on us.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Are you ready to have a laugh?
Jay: Janice's haircut? Give her some slack. She just went through a breakup with a woman, I assume, based on the haircut.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You got to take this offer.
Claire: What?
Jay: Higher salary. Better benefits. You might have to travel more, which is time away from Phil. Nothing but upside.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Hey, will I still get wise without my wisdom teeth? You get it?
Gloria: Every time.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Kylie said she'd meet me at the dentist, and she never came.
Gloria: Ay, I know, papi. I'm so sorry. But I'm gonna get you a very nice pillow from your bedroom.
Manny: She wants me to go away with her to drama camp this summer and then she doesn't even show up today?
Gloria: Maybe Kylie change her mind about camp. Maybe she plans to be with many men, and she doesn't deserve you.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I hid it very well from Manny, but I hated that girl. She was getting too serious too fast.

Quote from Haley

Phil: Wow.
Haley: Dad, you know it's not a movie called Demolition Notice, right?

Quote from Phil

Phil: I built this theater with these two hands plus the 28 hands of 14 other guys.
Alex: You built this?
Phil: Renovated it. Before I got into real estate, I worked construction.
Haley: You worked construction?
Phil: Yeah. Stop saying it like that.

Quote from Phil

Phil: You know what? We're bustin' in.
Luke: How? Smash a window with a brick?
Phil: I had something a little more elegant in mind. I think you forget that I gave birth to this building. I know her strengths and her weaknesses. [shakes doors] Did you see a brick?

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: You know what? You're right. Let's do you. Your problem is bigger than mine anyway 'cause if your plan is to cry in front of Lily, forget it. You're too emotionally constipated.
Mitchell: I-I know you're joking, Claire but sometimes sometimes words hurt, you know? And to think that my own sister [voice breaks] My own sister would accuse me of- Oh, screw it. I'll just work up some tears with a sad movie.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Aw. You bought me a balloon.
Gloria: What?
Manny: And a teddy bear. When did you buy all this stuff?
Gloria: Uh, when when you were asleep. And I got you a strawberry milk shake.
Manny: Mom, you're the best.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: He couldn't remember a thing. All I had to do was to get him past the 5:00 deadline so that he couldn't go on that trip with Kylie. I know what happens at camp. I've seen Meatballs.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Does this place look familiar?
Alex: Oh, yeah. This is where we were all murdered.
Phil: No, silly. This is where you girls saw your first movie. Halfway through Hare-Abian Nights, I looked over and your little heads were pressed together like the cutest tepee ever.
Luke: And where was I during all of this family fun?
Phil: Buddy, the three of us were having a girls' day. You get it.

Quote from Phil

Phil: While I was still building this place I snuck back here with you guys after work one day, and Check it out.
Haley: Aw, Dad! Are those our feet?
Alex: Look at how tiny.
Luke: Where's my footprints?
Phil: Um... I guess that's you. Anyway-
Luke: That looks like a baby head.
Phil: I was struggling with these two. You were all squirmy. I'm not gonna apologize over and over.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [crying] No, no.
Cameron: Mitchell, what's wrong?
Mitchell: I feel like Lily's inability to show feelings for other people might be my fault.
Cameron: Oh, honey, I think that too. But just take comfort in knowing you got there on your own.
Mitchell: I'm watching The Bridges of Madison County because it's the only thing that makes me cry. When she gets home, I'm gonna turn this off and pretend I was reading this.
Cameron: "Typhoon Flattens Orphanage."
Mitchell: Yeah. That's sad, right? Now get out of here, because she's gonna be home any second and I'm trying to stay sad.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Just to clarify. The only thing that makes you cry that truly resonates with you on a deep, emotional level is a film about someone who's trapped in a loveless marriage?
Mitchell: Okay, Cam, please go. I'm starting not to feel anything.
Cameron: Do you know how hurtful that is?
Lily: [o.s.] I'm home!
Mitchell: And now I'm not crying.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Hey, sweetie.
Lily: Hi.
Mitchell: How was your day?
Lily: Better than hers. What's wrong now?
Mitchell: Daddy's just having a moment.
Lily: He's always having a moment.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, my gosh. I just realized something.
Cameron: What, that our marriage bed is a 1,200-thread-count charade?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: No, maybe this isn't my fault. Maybe Lily can't show empathy because you're always crying.
Cameron: Oh, so it's my fault?
Mitchell: Yes. You've totally desensitized her to normal emotions.
Cameron: That's not true.
Mitchell: And now you want to cry because she won't cry because you're always crying.
Cameron: And you would only know that because you do love me! [sobs] Oh!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Man, that smarts.
Claire: What are you doing? Just trimming the hedges.
Jay: I saw a low-angle photo of me the other day. I looked like I snorted a rabbi.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Oh. Kylie texted me. She sent me a photo of me and her. Sitting right here.
Gloria: Oh, maybe she sneak in while I was getting you all those nice stuff.
Manny: But you're behind me, staring at us with a terrible look on your face.
Gloria: That's impossible. I never take a bad picture.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Are you trying to sabotage my relationship with Kylie?
Gloria: Her clothes are too tight her heels are too high, she's so loud and and I hate how she smothers you! Manny: [chuckles] Oh, my God. You're describing yourself.
Gloria: No. My clothes are not that- My heels are- I am not loud.
Manny: I'm dating my mother! [groans] Oh, gross.
Gloria: Excuse me?
Manny: I used to like her, but now it's ruined.
Gloria: Please. There are worse things than dating your own mother.
Manny: Like what?
Gloria: You know what? I don't like this attitude. And I am sure that Kylie won't like it either. Maybe you do need somebody like her to keep you in line while I am not around.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Are you ever gonna call me?
Alex: What?
Haley: It's just something I've I've been wondering about, you know. Like, we live together, so you don't have to call me and once you're off at brainy school surrounded by a bunch of brainy brains are we gonna be friends?
Alex: What are you talking about? You're my sister.
Haley: Oh, right. Yeah, sisters. Like, we're obligated to see each other. Thanksgiving, Christmas, [objects clattering] Luke's funeral.

Quote from Luke

Phil: What did you do?
Luke: I was following your orders. I'm surprised you didn't ask me to stand on top and saw around myself in a circle.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Haley, I'm sorry if I've been acting like I didn't wanna hang out with you lately. Or ever.
Haley: Don't worry about it.
Alex: I'm not worried. We'll probably be even closer once we're not actually caged in together. I'll be calling you all the time. Think about it. I'm about to live on a campus full of Alexes. That's bound to get annoying. And when it does, who better to deal with an Alex than you?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I made that.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Just got off the phone with Dan Signer.
Claire: Who?
Jay: He's one of the big mucks at the Grand Royal Hotels.
Claire: Oh.
Jay: They're thinking about dropping our account. Something about you turning down the job offer.And then accepting it. And then turning it down. And then accepting it again. Why are you jerking him around? You're worse than Claudia.
Claire: Who's Claudia?
Jay: Janice's ex-girlfriend. She strung her along for eight years. Now they're in a custody battle over two Labradors. Am I the only one that got stuck in the break room with her today?

Quote from Jay

Claire: Don't you even care if I stay or go?
Jay: Of course I do.
Claire: Well, you don't show it.
Jay: Well, maybe because I didn't want that to be a factor. It would kill me if I thought that what I felt would hold you back from getting something that you wanted. But trust me, when I saw that job offer my heart almost fell out of my chest. I love us working together.
Claire: Thanks. Okay, then.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: "Okay, then"? I pour my heart out, and that's all I get? One time my dad said, "Nice game, kid." I had eye black streaming down my cheeks. But all I get is, "Okay, then"?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, Dan! Gee, I didn't think you would show up in person. Claire, this is the big cheese, Dan Signer.
Claire: Hi, Mr. Signer. Such a pleasure to meet you. - I'm so sorry about all that back-and-forth today.
Jay: I'll handle it from here. Dan, we love doing business with you but I got to put my foot down when it comes to Claire. This is my little baby girl here. The best part of my day is having a coffee with her in the break room. And it wasn't that long ago that she was sitting at the breakfast table eating heart-shaped waffles that I made for her. I tell ya, it puts a lump in your throat. Anyway, uh, I don't know how I got to be the luckiest SOB alive. But if I have just even a few grains left in that hourglass, I'm gonna be spending it with... Wow. I almost just called her by her childhood nickname there.
Claire: Mm-mmm.
Jay: Oh, what the hell? My Little Bunny Foo Foo.
Claire: [crying] Oh, no. Bunny! Bunny!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Okay, Lily, we think that maybe you don't get emotional because Daddy gets, you know, so emotional because he kind of handles the emotions for the entire house.
Cameron: I do.
Mitchell: Possibly the entire block.
Cameron: Okay. And that maybe that's why you don't feel anything.
Lily: I feel stuff.
Mitchell: Really? Because when we were sick a few weeks ago, you didn't seem to care.
Lily: I didn't care.
Cameron: Well, she's not a liar. We did something right.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Don't you think you should have cared a little bit?
Lily: Why? You always get better.
Cameron: Well, so far.
Lily: What do you mean, "so far"?
Cameron: Um...
Mitchell: Well, uh...
Lily: Like someday you're not gonna get better? Like you're gonna die?
Mitchell: No. No, no, no, no. Not Not for a very, very long time.
Lily: Then why are we talking about it now?
Cameron: Hey, you brought it up.
Mitchell: I just wanted to make sure-
Lily: Stop! You're making me sad!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I know someday I'm gonna lose you to another woman and I'll find a way to be okay with it.
Manny: Thanks, Kylie.
Gloria: [flicks Manny] But not today.

Quote from Alex

Phil: Come on, you had to be done that time.
Claire: Is it me? Is it the way that I tell stories? Am I so boring or is everyone in this family that self-involved?
Alex: As I was saying, her name is Alaina and she's from North Carolina. That's my roommate. Now I'm done.


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