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‘The Last Christmas’ Quotes

Modern Family: The Last Christmas

1109. The Last Christmas

Aired December 11, 2019

Cameron is hoping to keep everyone happy for their annual Christmas dinner as he hides and prepares for his big interview for a head coaching position out of state. Meanwhile, Haley is excited to finally be reunited with wine; and Mitchell is suspicious of Cam’s holiday trip to visit his family in Missouri.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Oh, hey, can you move Haley away from me and the twins? My present to her is the night off from Mommy duties, so...
Cameron: Okay, well, I would've appreciated a little heads-up, but it's a thoughtful gift, so...
Dylan: It's also free, which is helpful because I forgot my ATM pin last summer. Any chance I ever mentioned my four favorite numbers to you?
Cameron: No.

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Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, and help yourself to a gingerbread person. They're both gluten and gender free.
Mitchell: Oh. Isn't they a cutie?

Quote from Haley

Mitchell: Do you really think that Cam's parents bought him a first-class ticket?
Haley: Aren't they poor? Don't they, like, eat plants and animals they find in their yard?
Mitchell: They're farmers, yes.

Quote from Haley

Haley: We gotta dig deeper. Get Cam's phone. Check his texts.
Mitchell: That's an invasion of his privacy. Plus, I don't even know his passcode.
Haley: Well, I just need his face. I break into Dylan's phone all the time while he's sleeping. Not that I need to. All he does is Google water parks.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: See, this is why I kept it a secret. Here I was, worried about you all ruining Christmas, and... now I've done it. I'm sorry, everyone.
Manny: You have no reason to be sorry.
Cameron: Yes, I do. I break up families. I'm Liz Taylor.
Mitchell: Why is it never a man?

Quote from Phil

Phil: I get it. I just wanted to bring a little joy to our country in this tumultuous time, but you're not from here, so maybe it doesn't matter as much to you.
Gloria: You see?
Phil: Yes. Yes. I'm sensitive. But I-I need this. New ideas, someone... someone to push up against me. And honestly, I can't think of anyone I'd rather have pushing up against me than you.
Gloria: Ay, Phil, it's been years. I can't pretend I don't hear those anymore.
Phil: Hear what?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, look, sweetie. It says that this Missouri town has a lively art scene.
Lily: It says "ark scene." They're preparing for the Lord's next flood?
Mitchell: Oh. Fun.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Guys, I am nailing my seating chart.
Lily: Can you not put me near Luke? I can't with the chewing.
Cameron: You are a spoiled city kid. I was 11 before I got to sit at the people table.

Quote from Gloria

[aside to camera:]
Alex: Gloria's been working for my dad. He totally mentored her, and then the other day, I caught her interviewing with his competitors.
[flashback:]
Gloria: So, if I come on board, do I have to change my hairstyle?
Madge: We'll talk about it.
Evan: It's kind of our thing.
[As Alex packs up her laptop and gets ready to leave the restaurant, she turns around to find Gloria standing there]
Gloria: Word to the wise... I'm like the last five Matthew McConaughey movies. You never saw me.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [o.s.] I hate this damn scarf! I look like Anjelica Huston!
Gloria: [o.s.] Cam bought it! You wear it!
Jay: [enters] Hey! Love the scarf! I feel like a movie star!

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm sorry, Gloria. No one calls my wife loose. In her day, did she enjoy the company of a few men? Sure. Is it hard to leave the house without running into one of her ex-lovers? Depends on what city we're in.
Claire: Do you have an end to this?
Phil: Her body, her choices, all over this beautiful planet!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Why are we talking about Manny, anyway, when this is clearly Phil's fault?
Phil: What?
Jay: Well, I mean, you obviously didn't teach Luke about the gentlemen's code.
Phil: I did so! Never leave a high-five hanging, no hug is too tight if you slap the guy's back...
Jay: It's never steal a broad from a friend, never let him grow a mustache unless they're a first responder.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Hello, all. Forgive my somber drapings, but like Masha in Chekhov's "The Seagull," I am in mourning for my life. And don't worry. I don't want any trouble. Today is not about me. It's about family. Our family. And the deep, profound love we share.
Alex: [inspecting a cheese ball] Man, that's cheesy.
Manny: Maybe, but it's how I feel.
Cameron: Thank you, Manny, for reminding us all what's important and how this should be the most memorable Christmas. Manny, would you care for a champagne cocktail?
Manny: Please. I do love champagne. And maybe when I turn my back, Luke can put his tongue all over it. [sobbing] Everything hurts! [whimpers]

Quote from Lily

Luke: Okay. Punch me. I know it sounds crazy, but I think... [Manny punches Luke]
Lily: Whoa! Amazing!
Luke: I can't believe you did that!
Manny: Me neither. And it didn't make me feel better, by the way.
Lily: Maybe kick him or jab him in the eye.
Luke: Manny, I'm sorry. I wish it were someone else, but I really do care about Sherry. I go to sleep thinking about her. I wake up thinking about her. When I see her, it's like... my heart is smiling.
Lily: Wow. I didn't think this house could get any gayer.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Well, I care about her, too, and I want her to be happy. So... make sure she knows how you feel. She's the kind of girl who needs to hear that.
Luke: I don't know. I'm not good at that stuff. I'm better off just playing it cool.
Manny: [sighs] Can't believe I'm saying this... but I can help. I'll talk, you type.
Luke: [scoffs] Are you being nice to make me feel worser?
Manny: Okay, I'll talk and type.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Listen, before you run, I have a professional opportunity I'd like you to think...
Claire: I-I'd love to hear it. J... I'm just a little stuffy. Let me get some air.
Jay: Are you aware that there are 15 times more dogs in the world than Italians?
Claire: Feels offensive. Not sure why.
Claire: Should we be mingling?
Jay: Listen. I'm not gonna do a big spiel. Suffice to say that science has shown us that having a well-rested dog improves our earning potential more than attending college.

Quote from Jay

Claire: It's because novelty dog beds are stupid. Dogs don't care if they're sleeping in a pineapple!
Jay: The Piña Colassie got four woofs on Whelp!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Phil... I took that interview because I love you, and I don't want to screw up our relationship. [whispers] I don't want to end up like Claire and Jay.
Phil: Please. You and I have been doing great.
Gloria: Because I hold back. I have strong opinions that I don't tell you because I want to get along.
Phil: Like what? You can tell me anything.
Gloria: Like that bus bench sign. I think it's goofy. If we have 20/20 vision, why are we wearing glasses?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Look at this. 10 seconds ago, that was you. I gotta make sure he and I don't need a second chance.
Claire: Yeah. Well, watch out. Pretty soon, he's gonna be working for you.
Jay: You know, I don't know if he has the head for it. He pitched a dog bed the other day in the shape of a cat. I mean, who wants to sleep in your enemy? It would be like me napping in Jon Voight. I told you that story...
Claire: Yeah. Yeah.

Quote from Manny

Luke: Oh, my God. Sherry broke up with me.
Phil: Oh.
Luke: After I texted her all those nice things you told me to say to her.
Manny: Oh, yeah, that's right! She hates it when guys move too fast. Oh, well. Better to have loved and lost.
Gloria: There's my Colombian boy!


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