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41Quotes from ‘A Fair to Remember’

Modern Family: A Fair to Remember

507. A Fair to Remember

Aired November 13, 2013

When the family attends the annual school fair, Phil wants Claire to stick around for a big 20th wedding anniversary surprise, unaware she has planned something for him at home. Luke tries to get rid of Alex so he can spend time with her friend, Sienna. Meanwhile, Cameron is down about his football team's losing streak, and Gloria questions whether Manny's participation in the bake off is the best thing for his reputation. Elsewhere, Haley meets Andy when she sneaks in to Jay's house for a pool day.

Quote from Haley

Andy: Found another one. I told you.
Haley: Are you gonna do that every time? You found glass, not the lost city of Atlanta.
Andy: Wow, I'm gonna chalk that one up to a lot of underage drinking.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Keep your eyes closed, and before you open them, remember that for 20 years, you have given me perfect, creative, thoughtful gifts. And every year, I have let you down. You're about to feel really bad, and I know that, because it's how I have felt every year. But, honey, it is not my intention, because I love you. Happy anniversary.
Phil: Oh, my God. Chinese acrobats?! Twenty years, China, you're brilliant!

Quote from Phil

Haley: [loudly] I sure hope Mom and dad are surprised by this anniversary breakfast we're bringing them!
Luke: I hate to walk in if they are naked.
Alex: Yes, that kind of image could haunt someone if she tries to sleep even years later.
Claire: Oh, relax. I think you're safe.
Phil: [clipping his toenails] Or are they?

Quote from Phil

Phil: [singing] She's a pretty sight Wise as a buddha But, brother, watch that bite 'cause she's a Claire-Acuda.
Cameron: Or maybe an existing song.
Lily: Thank you.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Run, run! Protect it like it's your baby! You dropped your baby! You dropped your baby! They're running away with your baby! Go get your baby! That's the worst call since they cast Russell Crowe in "Les Mis," right there!

Quote from Haley

Haley: Oh, my God! You scared the hell out of me!
Andy: Okay, language. There's a baby in the house.
Haley: Uh, that baby happens to be my uncle.
Andy: Oh, which one are you? I need to tell Mr. P you broke one of his beers.
Haley: I'm Alex. Who are you?
Andy: I'm their Manny.
Haley: Nice try. I know their Manny, and you look nothing like him.
Andy: Oh, you're Haley. I'm their male nanny, Andy.

Quote from Haley

Andy: I'm gonna call Mr. and Mrs. P.
Haley: Oh, wait! [flicks back hair] Um, seriously, Mandy, do you, uh do you really have to do that?
Andy: [chuckles] I see what you're doing. Don't bother, because I have a girlfriend of eight years back in Utah.
Haley: That's pretty young, but I guess they do things differently over there.
Andy: She's my age, and we're engaged to be engaged. It's- It's a pre-engagement. She's in the Coast Guard.
Haley: In Utah?
Andy: Yeah. It's the largest salt lake in the western hemisphere.
Haley: Oh, good. She's protecting our lake. I'll be out by the pool. [Joe cries] Your boss is calling you.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, um, what do you say we pack it in and go home?
Phil: What? No. I mean, we just got here. I haven't even whacked a mole yet.
Claire: I know, but I just got off the Ferris wheel, and I'm feeling really queasy.
Phil: But you're gonna miss the Dad Beats. No way. Come on. Let's get you a fried pickle!
Claire: Phil, I might throw up.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Nuh-uh. No one throws up until I sing.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Oh, my God! What are you doing, perv?!
Andy: Getting proof of where the two missing beers went. You can't drink that out here.
Haley: Hmm. Let's see if you're right. Mm, no.
Andy: Okay, well, you're in a pool zone, and that is glass, so that's not safe. It's dangerous.
Haley: What is with you and your girlfriend protecting water?

Quote from Andy

Andy: I hate to go all ballistic, but it has not been a pleasure meeting you.
Haley: Do you kiss your imaginary girlfriend with that mouth?
Andy: I do, but she's real. So, she's a real girl.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Here. Hold still. Let me put some pressure on it. So, why are you a manny, anyway?
Andy: Saving up for college. Plus, I like kids.
Haley: 'Cause they make your hands seem normal?

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Turns out Harold Grossman, our pharmacist, is a rock star. His voice is the drug he should be dispensing, because apparently, it's the cure for everything.

Quote from Manny

Jay: [aside to camera] Tell them the good news.
Manny: I won the cake contest!
Jay: The other good news.
Gloria: He made the football team.
Jay: They won their first game.
Manny: And the guys love my banana bread.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] So today at the school fair, a band called the Dad Beats is gonna surprise Claire with a power love ballad. And the lead singer you might want to sit down is the one and only, get up on your feet, this guy!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Do you want to get your face painted like a pretty butterfly?
Cameron: No. I'm just not in the mood.
Mitchell: Lily, what about you?

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: You see the way everyone's glaring at me?
Mitchell: No.
Cameron: Like a big loser coach.
Mitchell: All in your head.
Cameron: I'm the Hester Prynne of freshman football. I may as well have a scarlet "L" sewn on my shirt.
Mitchell: Well, then, everyone would think you're Laverne.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: You know what might make you feel better?
Cameron: Gathering my team and putting the fear of God in them.
Mitchell: I was gonna say a churro.
Cameron: I can do both! [runs off]
Lily: She's a mess.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Hey, hey, lead foot, easy on the turns! I worked hours on this cake.
Jay: You're sure you want to do this?
Manny: I'm going to win the cake contest, and then there'll be no stopping me.
Jay: From what? A beating?
Manny: First-place ribbons earn respect, Jay.
Jay: Not if your competition's a bunch of old ladies and weirdos.
Gloria: Could you just be nice? You didn't seem to care when you were eating all his practice cake.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What are you gonna do, pal?!
Derrick: About to ask you the same thing.
Jay: Did you not see my blinker?
Derrick: Nope.
Jay: Then you're blind, 'cause it's on.
Derrick: Looking at you, I'm guessing it was on the whole way here.
Jay: I got all day and satellite radio.
Derrick: I don't care if parking here is on your bucket list. I've got two books on tape, a space blanket, and a protein bar in the glove box. I will sleep here if I have to.
Jay: We're not moving.
Gloria: Ay, but we are. Let's go, Manny. [horns honk]

Quote from Alex

Alex: [aside to class] Sienna is amazing stylish, worldly and she's so new to our school, she doesn't even realize that I'm a full social class below her. I need to cement the friendship before she finds out we have a cafeteria.

Quote from Luke

Alex: Uh, this is my little brother, Luke. He wants advice on some lame crush he has.
Sienna: That's huge.
Alex: So huge.
Sienna: So, Luke, who is this mystery woman?
Luke: Um... just some girl.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: And her name is Sienna.

Quote from Manny

Jay: You know, Manny, I'm just gonna say this one last time.
Gloria: I doubt that.
Jay: Give me that. You want to fit in? You're not doing yourself any favors with this cake contest.
Manny: I don't know. Chefs get all the girls.
Jay: You're a baker. Bakers are girls Betty Crocker, Mrs. Fields, Little Debbie.
Manny: What about the Pillsbury Doughboy?
Gloria: That's a good one, Manny! [tickles Manny's stomach]

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] I have a long history of giving Phil bad anniversary gifts, but this year, I have planned something amazing. The traditional 20th gift is china, but what am I gonna do, give him a plate? I already did that.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Dad, tell him I can't do this right now.
Phil: Come on. Please. Go ahead. Read her the charges.
Jay: Can't do this.
Derrick: All right. Let's see. You have been charged with unlawful sexiness and possession of a hot booty.
Jay: That is wrong.
Phil: Guilty as charged.
Jay: Stop it!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: It all comes down to one thing, gentlemen focus and teamwork and heart! You see this mallet? Think I can swing this here mallet with one finger? No! I need my whole team! Because when you're functioning and working as a team, gentlemen, look out! [hits game with mallet]
Boy: Sassy granny?
Cameron: Yeah, sassy granny. Yes, exactly. Because that is what you all played like last night is a bunch of sassy grannies. But we're gonna bust our humps this week, and we're gonna get out there, and we're gonna play like a bunch of... [again]
Boy: Girly men. Got it.
Cameron: Okay, you know what? Is this thing plugged in?
Man: It's not electric. I think it was made in the 1800s.
Cameron: Okay, well, that's my point. This is outdated. This is offensive, because girls are athletes, too. So, in conclusion if you want to win football games, we got to go out there and play like a... [again, repeatedly]

Quote from Lily

Lily: What is daddy doing?
Mitchell: Daddy's smashing his demons.
Lily: Oh, like the ones you vacuum up at home?
Mitchell: Yeah, yeah. Like that.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Why the hell are you so dressed up for a school fair, anyway?
Derrick: How is this dressed up?! Why? Because my shirt has buttons?
Jay: What's that fabric? Is that silk?
Derrick: Get your vanilla fingers away from my shirt!
Jay: Blouse.
Derrick: Okay. You want to talk about clothes? Let's talk about clothes. Let's go. Let's see. You look like some kind of old, washed-up golf pro who drank his way off the tour and is one step away from writing a suicide note with one of them little pencils.

Quote from Jay

Derrick: Sorry. I didn't mean that.
Jay: You wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it. I don't have the body to wear the clothes they make today, so I dress comfortable.
Derrick: You're in shape, man. What are you? Late 50s?
Jay: Come on. You know I'm not.
Derrick: I'm serious, man. Y- You look like you live at the gym.
Jay: I do some walking.

Quote from Manny

Manny: My cake! Somebody ruined it! Who would do that?!
Gloria: Ay! Manny, how terrible. All your hard work. Oh, well. Let's go ride the rides.
Manny: No, no, no. Mom, I know who did it.
Gloria: Oh, you do?
Manny: It was Enid. Look at her. You can see the hate in her eyes. The minute she saw this, she felt threatened. She's cold as ice.
Gloria: How about you just let it go and go play with the other boys?
Manny: Oh, she'd love that. Okay, Enid. You want to dance? Let's dance.

Quote from Claire

Alex: Luke did this?! I was just trying to help him.
Claire: Help him do what?
Alex: My friend Sienna and I were trying to help him find this girl he has a crush on.
Claire: Honey, Sienna is the girl he has a crush on. Come on, haven't you ever seen the way he looks at her? It's same way he used to look at Halloween candy.

Quote from Haley

Haley: You're bleeding.
Andy: What? I do not like blood. I do not like blood. Is it bad?
Haley: Here. Oh, my God!
Andy: What?
Haley: Your fingers are so stubby, like baby carrots.
Andy: Sure. Okay. Make fun till you need me to reach into a vending machine, then I'm everyone's best friend.

Quote from Luke

Alex: Stop!
Sienna: What?
Luke: Ignore her. Where were we?
Alex: You're the girl! You're his crush! He's being a little weirdo! Please don't judge me!
Sienna: Uh, Luke, is this true?
Luke: She's a nerd! Her friends are books! You're the best thing that's ever happened to her!

Quote from Alex

Alex: Sienna, wait! Don't be sad. You're too good for her anyways.
Luke: Yeah. Thanks, Alex.
Alex: Not you. I was talking about myself, you little gnome.

Quote from Jay

Derrick: Is it bad?
Jay: You're gonna be fine.
Derrick: Aah! I should have worn a vest.
Jay: Why is everyone just standing around?! Get this man a towel for his blouse!
Derrick: So cold. We were almost out. I didn't want it to end like this.
Jay: Don't you do that! It's not over!
Derrick: Listen to me. I need you to tell my wife what happened. Tell her it wasn't my fault.
Jay: You're gonna tell her yourself. She's standing right there, and she looks pissed.

Quote from Phil

Phil: There's a white minivan out in the parking lot with its lights on. License plate number: TCB-R2D2.
Man: Phil Dunphy, everybody.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Hey, mom. Check it out. I finished my cake.
Gloria: Oh, good.
Manny: It's Los Angeles after an 11.5 earthquake. I call it earth-cake.
Gloria: Manny, that's amazing!
Manny: You think that's amazing? Wait till I smash this thing right on top of Enid's piece of sheet cake.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, well, look who finally put down his mallet. You done having your little temper tantrum?
Cameron: It wasn't that bad.
Mitchell: Cam, your behavior was completely juvenile, and I don't think that it set a very good example- Hey, hey! No cutsies! -for Lily.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated. I I can't seem to turn this team into a winner.
Mitchell: Oh, why do you let it get you so stressed out? It's just football.
Cameron: You know what football was to me? Football was my salvation. Every time I stepped onto that field, I wasn't the weird gay outsider kid anymore. I inspired my entire team because I had something to prove. Where's my kid that has something to prove?
Manny: Come on mom! Stay on my hip! Follow my lead! Move!
Cameron: That's exactly what I need.
Manny: Oh! Come on! Come on, mom.
Mitchell: Cake?

Quote from Phil

Claire: Oh oh, what's that?
Phil: 直升机. 直升机. That's the helicopter. I should get in there.
Claire: No, no, they're they're here for you. They're here for you.
Phil: Oh, honey.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Excuse me, ma'am. I hear you're a wanted woman. What you see can and will be held against you.
Gloria: You're gonna have to arrest me first. Bring me some wine.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Mr. P., I have a confession to make.
Jay: I'm taking a much more interesting confession upstairs.
Andy: After Joe went down, I had a sip of beer by the pool, and a bottle broke. It was me. I did it.
Jay: Don't sweat it. I popped a cold one after dealing with those kids. Sometimes during.
Andy: Thanks, Mr. P. And, hey, be careful up there.
Jay: We are not that close.


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