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‘A Fair to Remember’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Modern Family: A Fair to Remember

507. A Fair to Remember

Aired November 13, 2013

When the family attends the annual school fair, Phil wants Claire to stick around for a big 20th wedding anniversary surprise, unaware she has planned something for him at home. Luke tries to get rid of Alex so he can spend time with her friend, Sienna. Meanwhile, Cameron is down about his football team's losing streak, and Gloria questions whether Manny's participation in the bake off is the best thing for his reputation. Elsewhere, Haley meets Andy when she sneaks in to Jay's house for a pool day.

Quote from Haley

Andy: Found another one. I told you.
Haley: Are you gonna do that every time? You found glass, not the lost city of Atlanta.
Andy: Wow, I'm gonna chalk that one up to a lot of underage drinking.


Quote from Claire

Claire: Keep your eyes closed, and before you open them, remember that for 20 years, you have given me perfect, creative, thoughtful gifts. And every year, I have let you down. You're about to feel really bad, and I know that, because it's how I have felt every year. But, honey, it is not my intention, because I love you. Happy anniversary.
Phil: Oh, my God. Chinese acrobats?! Twenty years, China, you're brilliant!

Quote from Phil

Haley: [loudly] I sure hope Mom and dad are surprised by this anniversary breakfast we're bringing them!
Luke: I hate to walk in if they are naked.
Alex: Yes, that kind of image could haunt someone if she tries to sleep even years later.
Claire: Oh, relax. I think you're safe.
Phil: [clipping his toenails] Or are they?

Quote from Phil

Phil: [singing] She's a pretty sight Wise as a buddha But, brother, watch that bite 'cause she's a Claire-Acuda.
Cameron: Or maybe an existing song.
Lily: Thank you.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Run, run! Protect it like it's your baby! You dropped your baby! You dropped your baby! They're running away with your baby! Go get your baby! That's the worst call since they cast Russell Crowe in "Les Mis," right there!

Quote from Haley

Haley: Oh, my God! You scared the hell out of me!
Andy: Okay, language. There's a baby in the house.
Haley: Uh, that baby happens to be my uncle.
Andy: Oh, which one are you? I need to tell Mr. P you broke one of his beers.
Haley: I'm Alex. Who are you?
Andy: I'm their Manny.
Haley: Nice try. I know their Manny, and you look nothing like him.
Andy: Oh, you're Haley. I'm their male nanny, Andy.

Quote from Haley

Andy: I'm gonna call Mr. and Mrs. P.
Haley: Oh, wait! [flicks back hair] Um, seriously, Mandy, do you, uh do you really have to do that?
Andy: [chuckles] I see what you're doing. Don't bother, because I have a girlfriend of eight years back in Utah.
Haley: That's pretty young, but I guess they do things differently over there.
Andy: She's my age, and we're engaged to be engaged. It's- It's a pre-engagement. She's in the Coast Guard.
Haley: In Utah?
Andy: Yeah. It's the largest salt lake in the western hemisphere.
Haley: Oh, good. She's protecting our lake. I'll be out by the pool. [Joe cries] Your boss is calling you.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, um, what do you say we pack it in and go home?
Phil: What? No. I mean, we just got here. I haven't even whacked a mole yet.
Claire: I know, but I just got off the Ferris wheel, and I'm feeling really queasy.
Phil: But you're gonna miss the Dad Beats. No way. Come on. Let's get you a fried pickle!
Claire: Phil, I might throw up.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Nuh-uh. No one throws up until I sing.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Oh, my God! What are you doing, perv?!
Andy: Getting proof of where the two missing beers went. You can't drink that out here.
Haley: Hmm. Let's see if you're right. Mm, no.
Andy: Okay, well, you're in a pool zone, and that is glass, so that's not safe. It's dangerous.
Haley: What is with you and your girlfriend protecting water?

Quote from Andy

Andy: I hate to go all ballistic, but it has not been a pleasure meeting you.
Haley: Do you kiss your imaginary girlfriend with that mouth?
Andy: I do, but she's real. So, she's a real girl.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Here. Hold still. Let me put some pressure on it. So, why are you a manny, anyway?
Andy: Saving up for college. Plus, I like kids.
Haley: 'Cause they make your hands seem normal?

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Turns out Harold Grossman, our pharmacist, is a rock star. His voice is the drug he should be dispensing, because apparently, it's the cure for everything.

Quote from Manny

Jay: [aside to camera] Tell them the good news.
Manny: I won the cake contest!
Jay: The other good news.
Gloria: He made the football team.
Jay: They won their first game.
Manny: And the guys love my banana bread.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] So today at the school fair, a band called the Dad Beats is gonna surprise Claire with a power love ballad. And the lead singer you might want to sit down is the one and only, get up on your feet, this guy!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Do you want to get your face painted like a pretty butterfly?
Cameron: No. I'm just not in the mood.
Mitchell: Lily, what about you?

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: You see the way everyone's glaring at me?
Mitchell: No.
Cameron: Like a big loser coach.
Mitchell: All in your head.
Cameron: I'm the Hester Prynne of freshman football. I may as well have a scarlet "L" sewn on my shirt.
Mitchell: Well, then, everyone would think you're Laverne.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: You know what might make you feel better?
Cameron: Gathering my team and putting the fear of God in them.
Mitchell: I was gonna say a churro.
Cameron: I can do both! [runs off]
Lily: She's a mess.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Hey, hey, lead foot, easy on the turns! I worked hours on this cake.
Jay: You're sure you want to do this?
Manny: I'm going to win the cake contest, and then there'll be no stopping me.
Jay: From what? A beating?
Manny: First-place ribbons earn respect, Jay.
Jay: Not if your competition's a bunch of old ladies and weirdos.
Gloria: Could you just be nice? You didn't seem to care when you were eating all his practice cake.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What are you gonna do, pal?!
Derrick: About to ask you the same thing.
Jay: Did you not see my blinker?
Derrick: Nope.
Jay: Then you're blind, 'cause it's on.
Derrick: Looking at you, I'm guessing it was on the whole way here.
Jay: I got all day and satellite radio.
Derrick: I don't care if parking here is on your bucket list. I've got two books on tape, a space blanket, and a protein bar in the glove box. I will sleep here if I have to.
Jay: We're not moving.
Gloria: Ay, but we are. Let's go, Manny. [horns honk]

Quote from Alex

Alex: [aside to class] Sienna is amazing stylish, worldly and she's so new to our school, she doesn't even realize that I'm a full social class below her. I need to cement the friendship before she finds out we have a cafeteria.

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