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47Quotes from ‘Planes, Train and Cars’

Modern Family: Planes, Train and Cars

321. Planes, Train and Cars

Aired May 2, 2012

After Phil spontaneously buys a sports car without consulting Claire, he braces for the backlash. Jay is determined to get to his high school reunion with Gloria and Manny in tow. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron launch a rescue campaign after Lily's stuffed animal is lost on the metro.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] This weekend, we're going up to Pebble Beach. I'm gonna meet a bunch of guys I played high school football with. Man, those were the good old days.
Gloria: Yeah, unless you were a woman, black, Hispanic, or gay.
Jay: True, but if you were a straight white guy who played football, you really couldn't have a bad day.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Gloria, it's either this, or we're in the motel.
Manny: I don't like the sound of that. A lot of amenities disappear when an "H" becomes an "M."
Jay: You know, when I met you, you were eating cereal out of a bucket.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: No, the lengths that we're going to for a stuffed animal. You know, Cam, maybe it's time Lily learned about loss.
Cameron: No, she's 3, and I know. Do you know how many times I had to say good-bye to a furry friend on the farm?
Mitchell: And didn't it make you stronger?
Cameron: Yeah, because I was a growing boy and they were chock-full of protein. But it was still heartbreaking.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I was bummed not to be in my new cool car, so I wasn't joking around with the kids like I usually do. But, you know, there's something about driving your kids around. You're in the front, they're in the back. They forget you're there, and you learn so much. You're like Sigourney Weaver in "Gorillas in the Mist." Except gorillas make less noise chewing.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I'm sorry, but these signs are ridiculous.
Cameron: Oh, you're right. I should have used Helvetica. It much better represents the urgency of our situation.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] Maybe I was a teeny bit mad. So I blew off my errands and headed up the coast. It was my turn to be irresponsible. And luckily, I had sunscreen in my purse.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Don't blame me. It's your mom's fault.
Gloria: Do you know how many people have died in these planes? John Denver, Patsy Cline, Ritchie Valens.
Jay: I've heard you sing. I think you're safe.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Damn it!
Gloria: What was that?
Jay: Giant pothole. The dash is lighting up like a Christmas tree. Tire's blown! This never would have happened if we were in the air!
Gloria: If this had happened in the air, we wouldn't be in the air. We would be in rock 'n' roll heaven!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: No. I did not get in the little plane at the little airport! I'm not gonna get in this takka-takka-takka-takka flown by that guy that couldn't fix our car!

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: So what do you think, huh? Turtle or giraffe or, uh, little reindeer?
Lily: Where's Bunny now?
Mitchell: Uh, St. Louis.
Lily: Why?
Mitchell: He's visiting his girlfriend.
Lily: He doesn't have a girlfriend. He has a boyfriend!
Both: Oh!
Lily: I want Bunny!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: No, no, Lily. Lily, uh, what about Miss, uh, Teddy Bear? Huh? No? Uh, Dr. Tiger? No? Mr. Fish?
Lily: I want Bunny. I'm going to St. Louis.
Cameron: Really? You don't know Nemo? It's on an endless loop in the den.
Mitchell: I have a job.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: You know, once, when I was a kid, my dad left my Luke Skywalker doll on an airplane, and I was so angry-
Cameron: Wait, which- Which Luke? Shorty robe or dress blacks?
Mitchell: Shorty robe.
Cameron: Oh, my.
Mitchell: And you know what he did to get it back? Not a damn thing. Nope. He didn't lift one pudgy finger to make a single phone call, and I got over it.
Cameron: Yeah, well, I want you and Lily to have the same healthy relationship you and your father have. For sure.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Hey, did you know there's a girl with a crush on Luke?
Claire: Olivia.
Phil: Yeah. Oh, and Haley's totally done with Corey.
Claire: That's new.
Phil: Alex is teaching herself Chinese so she'll be useful when they finish buying us.
Claire: She's so weird.
Phil: I really want to be able to drive the kids around. I need a bigger car for work. I made a mistake.
Claire: No, you didn't. You bought it for a reason. When did we stop coming to the beach?
Phil: I think it was when Alex started printing out water quality reports.
Claire: She'll be China's problem soon.

Quote from Manny

Manny: They say the important thing in life isn't the destination. It's the journey, the challenges you face along the way, the unexpected twists and turns, the disappointments you overcome. But they're wrong. It's all about the destination, especially when the destination is your amazing oceanfront hotel. Thank you again, Serena. Warmest regards, Manny Delgado.
Jay: What's he doing?
Gloria: He's sending flowers to the concierge.
Jay: Oh, jeez.
Manny: [clicks fingers] Hey, credit card.

Quote from Phil

Phil: How are you doing? Phil Dunphy. What do I have to do to get you to ask, "What do I have to do to get you into this car today?"

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] We took Lily on her first train ride. Just a quick trip to Chinatown.
Cameron: I was worried she would think we were taking her back to Vietnam, but she seemed okay.
Mitchell: Yeah, yeah. Possibly because she was an infant when she left Vietnam. Also, Vietnam is not China.
Cameron: Well, I had a lollipop with me just in case.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Oh, I wanted a car like this since I was a kid.
Andre: Me, too.
Phil: I used to imagine the wind blowing through my perm, blasting some Hall & Oates, maybe horsing around with my Mr. Microphone.
Andre: Yeah, we wouldn't have been friends back then.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Well, I just talked to the concierge, and room service will save me a bread pudding.
Jay: Load off my mind.
Manny: You mock me, but "Travel and Leisure" says it's not to be missed.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Dad, I don't like this.
Phil: Why not?
Alex: My friend Molly's dad bought a sports car, and now he lives in a studio apartment and dates a girl who works at forever 21, which she won't be for two years.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay, tell me, why are we on the runway?
Jay: Surprise! We're taking a private plane.
Manny: Wow! I've never been on a private plane!
Gloria: And you never will. I am not getting on that little thing! What if the rubber band snaps and we fall out of the sky?

Quote from Jay

Jay: It's American music the whole way, and I don't wanna hear a word.

Quote from Phil

Phil: My, uh, client just wants me to pick her up on the way to the open house, which is great. I'll, uh, drop the sign off and just swing across town to... Oh. She's bringing her mom and a designer.
Claire: Well, maybe they'll fit in the trunk.
Phil: Here it comes!
Claire: What? I was making a joke.
Phil: What's your game, woman?
Claire: I have no game. You're an adult. You can make your own choices.
Phil: Since when?

Quote from Jay

Jay: All right, look, the welcome dinner starts in four hours. It's a 5-hour drive. No bathroom breaks.
Manny: [slurps] Uh-oh.
Jay: Yeah, I think you're gonna want to hold on to that cup.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, what do you think? I'm gonna put these in the subway.
Mitchell: Okay, it looks like, uh, Lily's missing and we're offering $25 to get her back.
Cameron: Oh, don't be ridiculous. No one in their right mind- Okay. That's all I see now. How about this one?
Mitchell: Okay. Um "Missing: Stuffed bunny. Brown and white fur. Sympathetic eyes." What are sympathetic eyes?
Cameron: Not those.

Quote from Claire

Man: Hey, nice car.
Claire: Thank you.
Man:You gonna drive up the coast, or-
Claire: Oh, no. I'm gonna do some errands, actually. Yeah, 'cause other people might go and buy a crazy car with an engine in the- in the trunk, but not me. No. I'm responsible. Mm-hmm. Yeah, we have three kids. You can't pick up three kids in this car. [The guy drives off] You can't.

Quote from Jay

Kyle: Well, your strut's shot, and we can't get parts for at least a day.
Jay: Fantastic. I don't suppose there's any place you can rent cars anywhere around here?
Kyle: Know what, sir? We're not some one-horse town. Of course you can rent a car. It just happens to be out for the day.
Jay: Unbelievable.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Hey, Lily, guess what?
Lily: What?
Mitchell: Uh, we just heard from Bunny.
Cameron: This is a terrible idea.
Mitchell: No, it's fantastic. Bunny said he's on an amazing adventure having the time of his life, and that you should pick one of his best friends to sleep with while he's gone.
Lily: Bunny doesn't talk.
Cameron: This is going great.
Mitchell: He does now, because- Because he took talking lessons.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] Once I hit the coast highway, I didn't stop. I turned off my cell phone. I ate fish tacos for lunch. It was insane! I haven't felt that free in years. All my stress completely disappeared... And so did my keys.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Let her hate us. You turned out great.
Mitchell: I did, didn't I?
Cameron: You're a big lawyer.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [on vibrating bed] This is not the massage I had in mind.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Okay. In about an hour, a train goes through town that will get us close to Pebble Beach. Now, it's not technically a-a passenger train, so it won't be stopping.
Gloria: What?
Jay: So we gotta get running real good. No high-heeled shoes. And it wouldn't be wrong if we took that blanket with us, either, huh? So what do you say? Anybody up for a hobo adventure?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay, this is getting crazy. Is it worth it?
Jay: I wanna see the old gang.
Gloria: Do you wanna see them or you want to show off to them? The private plane, the fancy watch. You still want to feel that you're the big kahuna on the campus.
Jay: That's not it. That's not even a thing.
Gloria: You know what? I'm taking Manny home. If you want to go in the takka-takka-takka-takka, okay. Go to Pebble Beach by yourself.

Quote from Jay

Jay: That's not the plan.
Gloria: If you wanna go there so bad, that's the only way you're gonna get there.
Jay: I'm not trying to get me there. I'm trying to get you there!
Gloria: What?
Jay: Look I may have exaggerated the size kahuna I was. I may not technically have been a kahuna. I was shy, and I spent most of my time on the bench.
Gloria: But you always made it sound like you-
Jay: Oh, I know what I made it sound like. People didn't expect much from me, and, um, they certainly didn't expect me to end up with somebody like you.
Gloria: So this is all about you parading me around like a trophy?
Jay: Yes.
Gloria: Why didn't you say so? I can be a trophy! Come on. We need to get this up to Pebble Beach.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Manny! We're leaving! Get ready!
Manny: Oh, good. If we get out of here in the next ten minutes, we don't have to pay for the second hour.

Quote from Claire

Phil: So, what you doing all the way up here? Did someone snap?
Claire: A little. Yeah. I was mad at you for buying that stupid sports car.
Phil: I knew it!
Claire: And I was wrong. It's a great car. God, I had the best day. Phil, I did cartwheels.
Phil: Without me?
Claire: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Quote from Phil

Andre: Uh-oh.
Phil: What?
Andre: I'm getting, like, a whiff of mildew.
Phil: I don't smell anything.
Andre: Yep. That's mildew.
Phil: Huh?
Andre: This car's been in the flood. It's a Katrina car! I'm offended that you tried to sell me a Katrina car, Phil!
Phil: Your wife won't let you have a convertible, will she?
Andre: We will never know, 'cause I'm afraid to ask. See you later, Phil.

Quote from Phil

Andre: Come look at this. This thing warns you if you deviate from your lane. In my car, that's my wife. "Andre, if you try to kill me, I swear I will kill you!"
Phil: Well, I guess this is what I'll be driving for the next 39 months.
Andre: This is my D.N.A. talking, but you do not seem sufficiently excited about the prospect of driving a new Cadillac.
Phil: No, it's great. I've just leased the same thing forever. Part of me wants to shake things up. I don't know.
Get something like... Like that.
Andre: Oh, wow.
Phil: Colonel Klink, that is nice.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: I love that we're doing this. It's important for her to explore the city she lives in.
Mitchell: So much diversity. Keep your wallet in your front pocket.

Quote from Mitchell

Lily: Bunny!
Cameron: How did you miss that, Mitchell?
Mitchell: Mr. Conductor! I-I And it's me! Why would you toss it?

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Okay, I have an idea. Let's catch the next train and ride it till it catches up.
Mitchell: They don't catch up. That's called a collision.
Cameron: Okay, well, do you have a better idea? You're the one that lost it.
Mitchell: No, you tossed it. He who tossed it lost it.
Cameron: Don't try to clever your way out of this.
Lily: Daddy lost Bunny.
Both: She means you.

Quote from Phil

Andre: You should buy it.
Phil: No, it's not practical.
Andre: Practical? You never see a person on their deathbed saying, "I wish I'd have been more practical." I see a lot of people on their deathbed, Phil. A lot.
Phil: I thought you operated on knees and elbows.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Gloria? Which watch should I pack? This one's showier. This one's more expensive.
Gloria: Why do you care so much about a watch?
Jay: How do I say this without sounding like an ass? I'm kind of a legend to these guys.
Gloria: Not like that.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Who's your daddy?
Luke: Whoa! Whose car is this?
Phil: Mine!
Andre: I talked him into it.
Luke: Seriously? Mom's gonna let you have this?
Phil: [laughing] Luke, Luke, Luke... Where is she?

Quote from Phil

Haley: Oh, my God, it's so pretty! I love it! And I love you, and I promise I'll take super good care of it!
Alex: Can I tell her? Please. I ask for so little.
Phil: Alex, be nice to your sister.
Alex: It's Dad's car, not yours.
Haley: What? But you're too old for this! It's just like last year when you wouldn't take off those skinny jeans.
Alex: Wouldn't or couldn't?
Phil: Hey. I looked hot.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Lily was up all night because she didn't have Bunny, which means that we were up all night because she didn't have Bunny. God, she must have cried for... How long was it, Cam? [Cam snores] Cam. Cam.
Cameron: Hmm? Oh, sorry. Uh, last night was rough because Lily...
Mitchell: Covered it.
Cameron: Didn't have Bunny.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: It's perfectly safe. It's a legitimate airline!
Pilot: Hey, folks. Whoa. Nobody said three. All right. Before we take off, I'm gonna need to get everyone's weight here.
Jay: No problem. I'm about 190.
Pilot: Okay.
Gloria: Oh, yeah. In that case, I'm 275.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: All right, give me these flyers. I'm gonna take everything to this side of the homeless guy.
Cameron: Mitchell!
Mitchell: Sorry, what are we supposed to say now? Home-challenged? Or-


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