Jay: [aside to camera] This weekend, we're going up to Pebble Beach. I'm gonna meet a bunch of guys I played high school football with. Man, those were the good old days.
Gloria: Yeah, unless you were a woman, black, Hispanic, or gay.
Jay: True, but if you were a straight white guy who played football, you really couldn't have a bad day.

Mitchell: No, the lengths that we're going to for a stuffed animal. You know, Cam, maybe it's time Lily learned about loss.
Cameron: No, she's 3, and I know. Do you know how many times I had to say good-bye to a furry friend on the farm?
Mitchell: And didn't it make you stronger?
Cameron: Yeah, because I was a growing boy and they were chock-full of protein. But it was still heartbreaking.

Jay: Gloria, it's either this, or we're in the motel.
Manny: I don't like the sound of that. A lot of amenities disappear when an "H" becomes an "M."
Jay: You know, when I met you, you were eating cereal out of a bucket.

Phil: [aside to camera] I was bummed not to be in my new cool car, so I wasn't joking around with the kids like I usually do. But, you know, there's something about driving your kids around. You're in the front, they're in the back. They forget you're there, and you learn so much. You're like Sigourney Weaver in "Gorillas in the Mist." Except gorillas make less noise chewing.

Mitchell: I'm sorry, but these signs are ridiculous.
Cameron: Oh, you're right. I should have used Helvetica. It much better represents the urgency of our situation.

Claire: [aside to camera] Maybe I was a teeny bit mad. So I blew off my errands and headed up the coast. It was my turn to be irresponsible. And luckily, I had sunscreen in my purse.

Phil: How are you doing? Phil Dunphy. What do I have to do to get you to ask, "What do I have to do to get you into this car today?"

Mitchell: [aside to camera] We took Lily on her first train ride. Just a quick trip to Chinatown.
Cameron: I was worried she would think we were taking her back to Vietnam, but she seemed okay.
Mitchell: Yeah, yeah. Possibly because she was an infant when she left Vietnam. Also, Vietnam is not China.
Cameron: Well, I had a lollipop with me just in case.

Phil: Oh, I wanted a car like this since I was a kid.
Andre: Me, too.
Phil: I used to imagine the wind blowing through my perm, blasting some Hall & Oates, maybe horsing around with my Mr. Microphone.
Andre: Yeah, we wouldn't have been friends back then.

Manny: Well, I just talked to the concierge, and room service will save me a bread pudding.
Jay: Load off my mind.
Manny: You mock me, but "Travel and Leisure" says it's not to be missed.