Cameron: [aside to camera] Mitchell has a problem with public displays of affection. I remember once at a New Year's Eve Party, stroke of midnight he high-fived me. Two problems with that: One, gays don't high-five. Two, gays don't high-five.

Jay: Honey, I'm sorry. I'm just teasing you.
Gloria: Instead of being the comedian, why don't you help me?
Jay: What do you need?
Gloria: Slap the chicken.
Jay: Do what?
Gloria: In Colombia, when you cook in honor of the departed you have to scare death away from the food to protect the people that are gonna eat it. Slap it and yell.

Gloria: [aside to camera:] I made all that up. That's not a real custom in Colombia. We're not lunatics. But you mess with us and we mess with you. That's the custom.

Claire: [aside to camera] Your kids don't need to know who you were before you had them. They need to know who you wish you were and they need to try to live up to that person. They're gonna fall short. But better they fall short of the fake you than the real you.
Phil: Which is why we don't hide anything.
Claire: That is the opposite of what I just said.
Phil: I was not listening.

Jay: What's wrong with "thanks"?
Claire: It's pretty much the bare minimum, Dad.
Manny: Jay, for God sakes, just say something.
Jay: You want me to say something? How about "you're welcome"? How about "I'm so happy to be here for you all so I can take the blame for all your crap"? I can't do this. I never did that. Trust me. I gave you twice as much as my father ever gave me. The man kissed me one time in my entire life. Came up behind me, kissed me in the back of the head, said, "Good night, Becky." He thought I was my sister.

Mitchell: Oh, this is insane. Buying a shirt it's not a kiss-worthy moment.
Cameron: I didn't know there was an official list. Tell us, what is on the list?
Mitchell: I'll tell you what's not on the list. Finding jalapeno-stuffed olives making the light on Maple, every time we see a VW.
Cameron: You don't like kiss-buggy?
Mitchell: It's not a real game. It's just another way for you to be needy and I don't appreciate you making me feel bad because I can't live up to your impossible standards. Nobody kisses at a bowling alley.
Cameron: I almost got a turkey!

Claire: How come we don't have the same number of containers and lids? Why would they ever get separated?
Phil: Built-up resentment, money issues, met a younger lid. Huh?

Gloria: I told you, Jay. My grandmother who rest in peace has been coming to me in my dreams telling me that I'm losing touch with my roots.
Jay: See, this is awkward, because my dead Uncle Joe told me to have steak tonight.
Gloria: No, no, no, Jay. Have some respect. My grandmother can hear you.
Manny: What do you mean, she can hear us?
Gloria: Well, in our culture, we believe that the dead are all around us.
Jay: She's right, Manny. She could be right here, her bony fingers reaching out from the grave. [prods Manny on his shoulder with a kitchen utensil]
Gloria: Yeah, keep it up, Jay. There's already one dead person in this room. You wanna make it two?
Jay: I'm sorry. I've got a printer to install. Oh, Gloria. Have your grandmother run me up an iced tea in about 10 minutes.

Phil: [aside to camera] Hells yes, I was glad to get the call. Jay's always around here fixing things, cracking jokes about my delicate hands or my gag response to the smell of paint. Look who needs me now. Mr. Hot-Dog-Fingers-Can't-Press-"Print"- Without-Hitting-Three-Extra-Keys. Yeah. In my house now, Jay. T- Technically, we'll be in his house but we'll be in my area of his house.

Haley: Well, have you guys kissed yet?
Alex: No!
Haley: Well, what are you waiting for?
Alex: I'm not waiting. I'm 13.
Haley: And you've never kissed a boy?
Alex: How old were you?
Haley: Like, 11. And it was beautiful. I was in Jackson Kaner's carpeted garage.
Alex: Eleven?
Haley: Yeah. So you better get on it or else he's gonna think you're a lesbian.
Alex: He's not going to think I'm a lesbian.
Haley: I thought you were. You totally have the sandals for it.