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37Quotes from ‘The Kiss’

Modern Family: The Kiss

202. The Kiss

Aired September 29, 2010

Cameron is upset that Mitchell refuses to kiss him in public. Claire tries to get Alex to open up after she notices flirty text messages from a boy on her cellphone. Meanwhile, Gloria gets her own back on Jay when he makes fun of her Colombian traditions.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Mitchell has a problem with public displays of affection. I remember once at a New Year's Eve Party, stroke of midnight he high-fived me. Two problems with that: One, gays don't high-five. Two, gays don't high-five.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] Your kids don't need to know who you were before you had them. They need to know who you wish you were and they need to try to live up to that person. They're gonna fall short. But better they fall short of the fake you than the real you.
Phil: Which is why we don't hide anything.
Claire: That is the opposite of what I just said.
Phil: I was not listening.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Honey, I'm sorry. I'm just teasing you.
Gloria: Instead of being the comedian, why don't you help me?
Jay: What do you need?
Gloria: Slap the chicken.
Jay: Do what?
Gloria: In Colombia, when you cook in honor of the departed you have to scare death away from the food to protect the people that are gonna eat it. Slap it and yell.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera:] I made all that up. That's not a real custom in Colombia. We're not lunatics. But you mess with us and we mess with you. That's the custom.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What's wrong with "thanks"?
Claire: It's pretty much the bare minimum, Dad.
Manny: Jay, for God sakes, just say something.
Jay: You want me to say something? How about "you're welcome"? How about "I'm so happy to be here for you all so I can take the blame for all your crap"? I can't do this. I never did that. Trust me. I gave you twice as much as my father ever gave me. The man kissed me one time in my entire life. Came up behind me, kissed me in the back of the head, said, "Good night, Becky." He thought I was my sister.

Quote from Phil

Claire: How come we don't have the same number of containers and lids? Why would they ever get separated?
Phil: Built-up resentment, money issues, met a younger lid. Huh?

Quote from Jay

Gloria: I told you, Jay. My grandmother who rest in peace has been coming to me in my dreams telling me that I'm losing touch with my roots.
Jay: See, this is awkward, because my dead Uncle Joe told me to have steak tonight.
Gloria: No, no, no, Jay. Have some respect. My grandmother can hear you.
Manny: What do you mean, she can hear us?
Gloria: Well, in our culture, we believe that the dead are all around us.
Jay: She's right, Manny. She could be right here, her bony fingers reaching out from the grave. [prods Manny on his shoulder with a kitchen utensil]
Gloria: Yeah, keep it up, Jay. There's already one dead person in this room. You wanna make it two?
Jay: I'm sorry. I've got a printer to install. Oh, Gloria. Have your grandmother run me up an iced tea in about 10 minutes.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, this is insane. Buying a shirt it's not a kiss-worthy moment.
Cameron: I didn't know there was an official list. Tell us, what is on the list?
Mitchell: I'll tell you what's not on the list. Finding jalapeno-stuffed olives making the light on Maple, every time we see a VW.
Cameron: You don't like kiss-buggy?
Mitchell: It's not a real game. It's just another way for you to be needy and I don't appreciate you making me feel bad because I can't live up to your impossible standards. Nobody kisses at a bowling alley.
Cameron: I almost got a turkey!

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Hells yes, I was glad to get the call. Jay's always around here fixing things, cracking jokes about my delicate hands or my gag response to the smell of paint. Look who needs me now. Mr. Hot-Dog-Fingers-Can't-Press-"Print"- Without-Hitting-Three-Extra-Keys. Yeah. In my house now, Jay. T- Technically, we'll be in his house but we'll be in my area of his house.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Well, have you guys kissed yet?
Alex: No!
Haley: Well, what are you waiting for?
Alex: I'm not waiting. I'm 13.
Haley: And you've never kissed a boy?
Alex: How old were you?
Haley: Like, 11. And it was beautiful. I was in Jackson Kaner's carpeted garage.
Alex: Eleven?
Haley: Yeah. So you better get on it or else he's gonna think you're a lesbian.
Alex: He's not going to think I'm a lesbian.
Haley: I thought you were. You totally have the sandals for it.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Let's see this bad boy. Oh! P-750. Nice unit. I would have sprung for the 840, but I get it. Not everyone can handle that kind of horsepower.
Jay: I thought maybe the cordless phone was interfering, so I unplugged it.
Phil: Good idea. Maybe we should run downstairs and unplug the toaster while we're at it.
Luke: Oh, snap, Dad. A toaster.
Phil: We're kidding. Your cordless phone is 5.8 gigahertz. This is Wi-Fi. It's a totally different spectrum. Walk with me.

Quote from Jay

Phil: Here's a little trick that I've found pretty useful with Claire. [singing to the tune of "The Wheels on the Bus"] The computer and the printer must talk, talk, talk Command-P makes the picture walk, walk, walk...
Luke: How come it's not working?
Phil: It should be. Okay. Uh, that should be printing, so...
Jay: Hey, Phil. I'm gonna get a beer, beer, beer before I hit you in the head, head, head.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Oh, my God. Please tell me this text is wrong. Did you really just go over to that kid's house and try and kiss him in front of a million people?
Claire: Alex, did you do that?
Alex: You got a text?
Haley: Oh, yeah. Everybody knows. Do you know how embarrassing this is for me?
Alex: This is all your fault. You're the one who said I had to kiss him or I was a lesbian.
Claire: Haley, did you say that to her?
Haley: Oh, don't turn this on me. Look at her shoes.

Quote from Manny

Luke: Did she have a limp and a cane?
Manny: Uh-huh.
Luke: Ghost of Manny's great-grandma if that's really you show yourself!
[The printer prints an image of Manny's great-grandma]
Manny: That's her!

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Ay, Cameron, it's not Mitch's fault. He gets it from his father. Jay doesn't like the lovey-dovey in public either.
Jay: I can't believe you're coming at me right now. I'm standing here with shoes around my neck. And for the better part of a half hour I screamed the death out of your meat. Now, what do you want from me?

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] I'm feeling a little bit disconnected from Alex right now. Last week I picked up her cell phone, thinking it was mine and I accidentally read a few flirty text messages that were probably from a boy in her class, which is fine. Or they're from a drifter.

Quote from Phil

Phil: He blew his lid when she tried to contain him.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay. The house is on fire. I only have time to grab one shirt. Which one do I take?
Mitchell: The correct answer is: take Lily.
Cameron: After that.
Mitchell: Ah. Okay, the blue one.
Cameron: Because the gray one washes me out.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I'm home! What smells so good?
Gloria: I'm making chunchullo, a traditional Colombian dish for dinner with the family tonight.
Jay: Chunchullo. What is that, like tacos?
Gloria: Yes, like tacos.
Manny: No, it isn't. It's the small intestine of a pig.
Jay: Oh, geez. Why can't we eat regular food like normal people?

Quote from Haley

Claire: Haley, honey, I need you to do something for me.
Haley: Mom, my arm hurts.
Claire: Why don't you find out what it is before you start making up excuses to get out of it?
Haley: Okay, what is it?
Claire: I need you to talk to your sister. I think that there's something going on with her and a boy.
Haley: So?
Claire: So? I am your mother and it is my job to make sure that you girls don't get involved with a predator.
Haley: Okay, Mom, stop watching Dateline.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh! I'll say it again. I love you in paisley.
Cameron: Ooh, let me lock the door and draw the curtains.
Mitchell: What does that mean?
Cameron: Doesn't mean anything.
Mitchell: Good.
Cameron: You know exactly what it means. You won't kiss me in front of other people because you're ashamed of who you are. And yes, I went there.
Mitchell: Okay, you can't say, "Yes, I went there" when you go there all the time. And by the way, I'm the one who makes speeches on airplanes every time someone looks at us weird. I'm the one who gives my dad hell when he refers to you as my "friend."
Cameron: That's different. That's confrontation. But you know what takes real strength?
Mitchell: Whining?
Cameron: Affection.

Quote from Haley

Haley: So I hear you have a boyfriend.
Alex: No, I don't.
Haley: Who is he?
Alex: I'm not talking to you about this.
Haley: Oh, come on. You're finally interesting. Just tell me.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Don't talk yet. Here's the thing. We've been texting for a while, and it's been nice. But I feel like it's leading to something else. And I don't know if you do or not, but I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking for him to like her. Oh, God. That's from Notting Hill. So dorky. But a really underrated movie.
Jeremy: What's happening?
Alex: I'm not a lesbian. I would like for you to kiss me.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What? Are you still mad at me?
Gloria: Yes. You have to apologize for making fun of my culture my beliefs, my chunchullo, my abuela.
Jay: I'm sorry. If you think your grandmother's here with us, I respect that. Now, come here. Oh! Grandma, where'd you come from? We're gonna have to get you a little bell. [laughs]
Gloria: Enough, Jay! My culture is very important to me. I've been working all day to share it with your family tonight and all you do is mock me.

Quote from Claire

Alex: I'm never going back to school now.
Claire: No, sweetheart. Yes, you are. You are going back to school. But listen to me. Just because a boy sends you flirty texts doesn't mean you-
Alex: What? You read my texts?
Haley: You read her texts? That's why you made me talk to her?
Alex: You made her talk to me?
Claire: I kind of feel like we're spinning out here a little bit. Look, Alex, the important thing here is that you have to be very careful how you behave around boys because it is so easy to get a reputation.
Alex: Well, I'm sorry I'm not a perfect little good girl like you were.
Haley: Were you? Were you? I highly doubt it!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Well, okay. Snacks and sodas are in the living room. But don't fill up. We've got intestines coming.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Uh, Dad, if you're looking for your shoes, I think I know where they are.
Jay: This happens to be a Colombian custom walking in the footsteps of the ancestors, blah, blah, blah. Beats slapping the chicken.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Ay, Cameron, what happened? One moment you were there, the next, only shoes.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: I'll tell you what happened. Mitchell is embarrassed to kiss me in front of other people.
Mitchell: No, you ambushed me.
Claire: Oh, Cam, come on. Don't take it personally. When Mitchell was in high school, he was dating this girl, Robin Schiller. He would never kiss her either.
Mitchell: That's because I was gay.
Cameron: What's your excuse now?

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: Don't you see? It's because of you that your son cannot kiss his own lover.
Mitchell: Don't say "lover."
Cameron: We don't like "lover."

Quote from Mitchell

Jay: Can we just eat?
Claire: No. Tell Mitch that it's okay to kiss Cam in front of you.
Jay: Why is that something we have to do?
Mitchell: We don't.
Cameron: Of course we don't.
Mitchell: Oh, I'm sorry that I don't wanna make out with you in front of my whole family.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Dad, you being so emotionally closed off makes it very difficult for your children to show affection.
Jay: Really?
Claire: Yes.
Jay: You had trouble showing affection in public places?
Claire: Yes.
Jay: You?
Claire: Yes.
Jay: Was that before or after you were delivered to my door in a squad car wearing nothing but your underwear and a police blanket?

Quote from Phil

Phil: I did it! It's printing. I had to download new firmware, install new drivers change your encryption and replace an Ethernet cable in a hundred-degree attic while dodging particularly aggressive spiders.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Wake up, dummy. This is what we're talking about. This guy's been working like an imbecile all day for you. People need something else kisses, hugs.
Jay: What? For fixing a printer?
Phil: Well, I was fine. It was only four hours. I tipped over a paint can and threw up a little. But I think I think "thanks" about covers it.

Quote from Mitchell

Gloria: Mitch, when was the last time he kissed you?
Mitchell: I I don't remember.
Jay: It wasn't that long ago.
Mitchell: I was 12.
Gloria: Twelve? This is the problem. Jay's dad doesn't kiss Jay, so Jay doesn't kiss Mitch. And Mitch is uptight.
Mitchell: Okay, okay. Uptight was really not on the table. This is more about kissing.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Alex, wait.
Alex: What?
Claire: I wanna talk to you.
Alex: Mom, I don't want another lecture.
Claire: It's not a lecture. I want to tell you something. Honey, I know exactly how you're feeling.
Alex: No, you don't.
Claire: Okay. The- The joke that Grandpa told tonight that- That happened. That- That was true.
Alex: So you were arrested naked?
Claire: I wasn't naked. And I was not arrested, per se. I was driven home one night by the police because my boyfriend and I had gone swimming in somebody's pool and we didn't have bathing suits, and blah, blah, blah. The details aren't important. What matters is that everybody at school was talking about it. And I thought I would die. But it passed. I swear. And now, honey, I'm I'm glad it happened. I've got a funny story to tell at dinner parties.
Alex: So, how long did it take before you thought it was funny?
Claire: Oh, God. Ten, 15 years.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: In Colombia, we kiss for everything because a kiss can mean so many different things. It can be the start of something new. It can be how we say, "This is the person that I love." It can be romantic. It can also be worth waiting for. That one is definitely my favorite.


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