Previous Episode Next Episode 
Express Christmas

‘Express Christmas’

Season 3, Episode 10 -  Aired December 7, 2011

As the family gather at Jay and Gloria's pool on a warm December day, they realize this is the last time they'll be together until after the holidays.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Luke!
Luke: At what?
Gloria: What do you mean, "at what"? I said "Luke."
Luke: I am looking.
Gloria: I know you are. Stay on the beams. Maybe it's here. [uncovers Barkley] Ay, dios mio! El diablo! It's back!


Quote from Haley

Haley: Uh, I have a party tonight. You promised I could go if I got a "B" on my test. I studied. I read stuff. What was the point of all that?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Look where you're going!
Luke: To open more boxes. Oh, you said "look where you're going, " didn't you?
Gloria: Yes.
Luke: Every time you say "Luke, " I think you're saying "look."
Gloria: I don't hear the difference.
Luke: It's not that hard. One is my name.
Gloria: Juan is not your name! Stop kidding around and look, Luke! Ay, I get it. "Look" sounds like "Luke."
Luke: Yes. Thank God. I've been carrying that one around for three years.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Actually, she's kind of at her best at Christmas. She makes a mean cookie.
Claire: What other kind could she possibly make?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Yeah, and the upside now, Mitchell, we can spend Christmas in Missouri, where it actually feels like Christmas.
Claire: Wait. Hang on a second. Just because Mom isn't coming doesn't mean we're not gonna spend Christmas together. I mean, it's about family.
Cameron: Who do you think we're seeing in Missouri, Claire? The Oak Ridge Boys?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hold on. I thought we were all getting together Christmas Eve this year. We're on a flight to Mexico the 25th.
Claire: What do you mean, you're getting on a flight on the 25th?
Jay: You two needed time with your mom. I've already served my time with your mom.

Quote from Mitchell

Phil: What about gifts?
Gloria: Jay, did we finish shopping?
Jay: Yeah, but we're not wrapped.
Cameron: Oh, I can help with that. We have a mobile wrapping station. God, has that thing paid for itself.
Mitchell: Really? 'Cause I feel like I paid for it.

Quote from Mitchell

Salesman: I think I know what you're looking for, and we just got a shipment that might be perfect for you.
Alex: Okay, wow. Just because my uncle is clearly gay doesn't mean he'd ever want your tacky pink tree. And frankly, we'd rather throw some lights on a coatrack than have to deal with knuckle-draggers like you today of all days. December 16th.
Mitchell: Okay, first of all, amazing. Second of all-
Salesman: I was pointing to the truck. It's full of 8- foot douglas-firs. It's behind the pink tree.
Mitchell: Second of all, uh, we're- We're gonna go ahead and take, uh, this-this tree-
Alex: That one.
Mitchell: And we're going to tie it onto our car ourselves.
Salesman: You bet you will.
Lily: I have two daddies.
Mitchell: He gets it, Lily.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: That's interesting.
Jay: I doubt that it is, but what?
Cameron: Well, I mean the way you wrap a gift. That's a lot of tape. Nobody can get in. Kind of like... You know I mean, well, you let me in, but in general, w- Why so much tape, Jay?
Jay: Why are you wearing a sweater when it's 95 degrees out?
Cameron: It's my Christmas sweater.
Jay: Based on those stains, you are the Christmas sweater.

Quote from Manny

Manny: You're leaving me alone here?
Phil: No, no, no, no. I- It'll, uh, it'll just take me two minutes. I need to get Jay's super-secret special gift.
Manny: Great. First you lose me in the grocery store, now I'm in a deserted parking lot. Why don't you just put a sign on me that says "free kid"?

Page 2