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47Quotes from ‘Express Christmas’

Modern Family: Express Christmas

310. Express Christmas

Aired December 7, 2011

As the family gather at Jay and Gloria's pool on a warm December day, they realize this is the last time they'll be together until after the holidays.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Luke!
Luke: At what?
Gloria: What do you mean, "at what"? I said "Luke."
Luke: I am looking.
Gloria: I know you are. Stay on the beams. Maybe it's here. [uncovers Barkley] Ay, dios mio! El diablo! It's back!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Look where you're going!
Luke: To open more boxes. Oh, you said "look where you're going, " didn't you?
Gloria: Yes.
Luke: Every time you say "Luke, " I think you're saying "look."
Gloria: I don't hear the difference.
Luke: It's not that hard. One is my name.
Gloria: Juan is not your name! Stop kidding around and look, Luke! Ay, I get it. "Look" sounds like "Luke."
Luke: Yes. Thank God. I've been carrying that one around for three years.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Actually, she's kind of at her best at Christmas. She makes a mean cookie.
Claire: What other kind could she possibly make?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Yeah, and the upside now, Mitchell, we can spend Christmas in Missouri, where it actually feels like Christmas.
Claire: Wait. Hang on a second. Just because Mom isn't coming doesn't mean we're not gonna spend Christmas together. I mean, it's about family.
Cameron: Who do you think we're seeing in Missouri, Claire? The Oak Ridge Boys?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hold on. I thought we were all getting together Christmas Eve this year. We're on a flight to Mexico the 25th.
Claire: What do you mean, you're getting on a flight on the 25th?
Jay: You two needed time with your mom. I've already served my time with your mom.

Quote from Mitchell

Phil: What about gifts?
Gloria: Jay, did we finish shopping?
Jay: Yeah, but we're not wrapped.
Cameron: Oh, I can help with that. We have a mobile wrapping station. God, has that thing paid for itself.
Mitchell: Really? 'Cause I feel like I paid for it.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Uh, I have a party tonight. You promised I could go if I got a "B" on my test. I studied. I read stuff. What was the point of all that?

Quote from Mitchell

Salesman: I think I know what you're looking for, and we just got a shipment that might be perfect for you.
Alex: Okay, wow. Just because my uncle is clearly gay doesn't mean he'd ever want your tacky pink tree. And frankly, we'd rather throw some lights on a coatrack than have to deal with knuckle-draggers like you today of all days. December 16th.
Mitchell: Okay, first of all, amazing. Second of all-
Salesman: I was pointing to the truck. It's full of 8- foot douglas-firs. It's behind the pink tree.
Mitchell: Second of all, uh, we're- We're gonna go ahead and take, uh, this-this tree-
Alex: That one.
Mitchell: And we're going to tie it onto our car ourselves.
Salesman: You bet you will.
Lily: I have two daddies.
Mitchell: He gets it, Lily.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: That's interesting.
Jay: I doubt that it is, but what?
Cameron: Well, I mean the way you wrap a gift. That's a lot of tape. Nobody can get in. Kind of like... You know I mean, well, you let me in, but in general, w- Why so much tape, Jay?
Jay: Why are you wearing a sweater when it's 95 degrees out?
Cameron: It's my Christmas sweater.
Jay: Based on those stains, you are the Christmas sweater.

Quote from Manny

Manny: You're leaving me alone here?
Phil: No, no, no, no. I- It'll, uh, it'll just take me two minutes. I need to get Jay's super-secret special gift.
Manny: Great. First you lose me in the grocery store, now I'm in a deserted parking lot. Why don't you just put a sign on me that says "free kid"?

Quote from Manny

Phil: I think that might be him.
Manny: You don't know the guy we're meeting?
Phil: That's how craigslist works. Total strangers sell you things like signed vintage baseball cards that make your father-in-law respect you for an afternoon.
Manny: I don't like the looks of this guy.
Phil: He looks like everybody else.
Manny: Great. You can just tell that to the police sketch artist.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Ay, finally!
Cameron: Look who's wearing her itsy bitsy bikini.
Phil: He can comment because he's gay.
Claire: He was talking about Lily.
Phil: So was I.

Quote from Jay

Haley: Why isn't Nana coming?
Mitchell: I don't know. Something about her new boyfriend whisking her away on a cruise.
Jay: I just got my gift.

Quote from Manny

Claire: What boyfriend?
Alex: Carl the cruise ship captain. It was in her holiday newsletter.
Claire: Oh, I can't read that whole thing.
Cameron: Yeah, after two pages about the bird she rescued.
Phil: And by the way, I don't think you can say you rescued something if it dies.
Cameron: It died?
Jay: She wrote a poem about it.
Manny: A little too free with the free verse for my taste, but fine, we'll call it a poem.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: I stopped reading after she talked about suing her book club.
Claire: Oh, I stopped reading after "Dear friends, family and others". I'm sorry. Who are "others"?
Gloria: Me.
Jay: No,you're not- Uh, maybe you are.

Quote from Gloria

Luke: I hear kids are getting snatched in Mexico.
Manny: What?
Gloria: Kids get snatched here just as much. It happens all the time. Don't be scared.
Manny: And when you say, "all the time"...?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Ho, ho, hold up a sec. We're all free today. We've got four hours to shop, cook, wrap, get a tree. By tonight, we could be celebrating Christmas, right?
Mitchell: I guess we could do that.
Phil: Of course we can! Have you ever heard of Express Christmas?
Phil: No. No, you haven't, because I just invented it. Express Christmas, "T.M." It's when you can't have it on Christmas day-
Cameron: I got it.
Phil: And you have to scramble.
Jay: Get on with it! We're wasting time!
Phil: We're wasting time! Everyone in the house! We'll make a plan! Time is of the- oh! Ow! Hot! Hot! It's just too hot!

Quote from Luke

Gloria: It's Manny's last chance to enjoy a family Christmas.
Manny: Until next year, you mean.
Luke: Well, with all the snatchings-
Manny: Get out of my head, Luke!

Quote from Mitchell

Phil: Okay, who's gonna get the tree?
Mitchell: Oh! I will. I will. Because, you know, get the wrong kind, people get upset.
Claire: You get upset.
Mitchell: Fine, I'll get the turkey.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: Um, Gloria, it's up in your attic. Would you get it?
Gloria: Ay, no! Not the attic! it's dirty, and there are spiders.
Mitchell: Oh, but it really won't be Christmas without it.
Jay: It won't be Christmas with it. It's December 16th.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Luke will help Gloria. He's not scared.
Manny: Oh, good. You won't find me in any attic.
Luke: That may be exactly where they find you.
Manny: Mom!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Let's move! On dasher! On dancer! On prancer and vixen! Hey, that kind of worked out.

Quote from Mitchell

Alex: My mom tells me it's "xmas" in a text?
Mitchell: Yeah, well, my mom canceled in a voice mail and told me she had a boyfriend in a newsletter, so join the team.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Ugh. There's like a hundred things on this list.
Claire: I know but it's just the two of us. It's fun.
Haley: Okay, it's not fake Mother's Day. Ugh! This place is huge! Oh, plus we have to cook dinner! This is impossible.
Claire: Listen to me. Your whole life has led to this moment. All the training, the hours of dedication. There's not a soul alive who can touch you when it comes to shopping, and, baby, you know it. Look at me. Be you.
Haley: Give me that list.
Claire: Never been more proud in my life. Come on.
Haley: No, this way.

Quote from Alex

Alex: What about this one?
Mitchell: Let's see. No. No. I'm sorry, I know I'm being really O.C.D. right now, but there's something very particular that I'm looking for. It needs to be a Douglas Fir, at least 8 feet tall, and look good from all sides.
Alex: Exactly. No bald spots.
Mitchell: Yes. Thank you. Thank you. The key is symmetry, right?
Alex: [singing to the tune of O, Tannebaum] Oh, symmetry, Oh, symmetry.
Mitchell: How come we never go shopping together?
Alex: Because I hate shopping.
Mitchell: I do, too!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Cam and Jay- You know, sort of sounds like a bird. [British accent] "The migratory patterns of the Cam and Jay"...

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You have no idea.
Jay: I can't even remember my own anniversary, Cam. How would I have remembered having had wine with my son's boyfriend?
Cameron: No, I do this. This is my fault. I- I attach too much meaning to things. I mean, we watched our first football game together five years ago, and I feel the need to save the cork from the bottle of wine you served. I mean, who does that? It's not your only gift, by the way. There's a duplicate bottle in that box right over there which I had engraved with the date and the final score, because I have a problem. I feel too much.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: I gotta get going to Claire's.
Jay: Cam-
Cameron: No. Fresh wound. Can't talk yet.
Jay: Fine. We'll put a cork in it.
Cameron: Let it scab, Jay. Let it scab.

Quote from Manny

Phil: Come on. It's Christmas. At our house. It's a long story.
Man: $225.
Phil: I just spent all my cash on groceries.
Man: Fine. But I'm taking the butterball.
Phil: I don't know about that.
Manny: That's it. I'm getting mother's little helper.
Phil: What?
Manny: My mom keeps a stun gun for emergencies.
Phil: This isn't an emergen- [tazer zap] Eeh! Now it is.

Quote from Manny

Manny: I thought he was going to snatch me.
Phil: A butterball is a turkey.
Manny: What'd he say?
Man: I think he said, "A butterball's a turkey." I was reaching for the turkey.
Manny: Oh.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Here's the money. Joe DiMaggio! Joe DiMaggio. Mint condit- [shakes uncontrollably] Near-mint con- [shakes uncontrollably] Fair condit- [shakes uncontrollably] Garbage.

Quote from Gloria

Luke: Look!
Gloria: Ay, yes, I said "Luke." You told me already. I did it right!
Luke: No! Look!
Gloria: [drives over tree] Never look back. Never!

Quote from Haley

Haley: Hey, mom? Check it.
Claire: The gum! Oh, and you made it pretty. Honey, put it on the table.
Haley: New tradition?
Claire: Oh, yes. Yes.
Gloria: Christmas gum. I take one.

Quote from Jay

Jay: How long you gonna ignore me, Cam?
Cameron: Until the shame cloud clears. You know, I push. I'm a pusher.
Jay: You gotta give yourself a break. See, the thing about me, I'm not as open with feelings as you. You've gotta lower your expectations.
Cameron: Oh, I get it. Baby steps.
Jay: No steps. This is it.

Quote from Claire

Jay: Well, that stuffing looks good. All we need now is a turkey to surround it.
Claire: Well, relax. Phil just texted, and he's "On his wax."

Quote from Gloria

Mitchell: Well, uh, someone ran over it, but that's okay 'cause we are gonna put it back together. Right now.
Gloria: He's gonna need a lot of gum.

Quote from Manny

Claire: Oh, thank God. Here comes Phil and the butterball.
Manny: I have a name.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: It's not even defrosted.
Phil: Fine, Claire. You want 'em defrosted? Merry freaking Christmas.
Gloria: Is that my stun gun?

Quote from Jay

Jay: What the hell happened to the angel?
Gloria: No! The real question here is, how come we still have the dog butler?
Jay: Oh, you found him, huh?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, I'm- I'm out. I'm done. I am out. No. No turkey, no tree, and now this looks like the lady she used to be before she died and became an angel.

Quote from Alex

Claire: Okay, fine! Fine! You know what? I am really tired of trying to make this work on my own. I will see you people in a year.
Alex: And nine days.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: No! Nobody goes anywhere. I know what the problem is here. You two miss your mommy.
Claire: No. I do not miss my mommy.
Gloria: Admit it. It's sad. She used to make you cookies, the angel. Now she talks to you in a newsletter and she cancels for no reason. Come here, my little ones.
Mitchell: No. No, it's fine. We're good. It's not a big deal.
Gloria: It's Christmas. You need a mommy.
Mitchell: You're not mommy.
Claire: But you're not our mommy.
Gloria: And it's not Christmas. Come here. It's okay to miss her.

Quote from Phil

Jay: Can I put in my 2 cents on fake Christmas?
Phil: Express Christmas.
Jay: Let it go, Phil. It's not sticking.
Phil: It needs time. [shakes]

Quote from Jay

Jay: We all gave it our best shot to make this thing work. It just didn't happen, all right? What do you say we cut our losses? Let's go out to a nice Chinese restaurant and have a traditional Jewish Christmas.
Manny: But I risked my life grocery shopping.
Jay: Save that story for Wang Fu.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Jay, Jay, Jay.
Jay: You wanna hug me, don't you?
Cameron: I kind of do.
Jay: 4-5 seconds.
Cameron: 45 seconds?
Jay: 4 to 5 seconds.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Family is family. The one that you end up with. Or the family that you gain along the way. Which makes every day December 16th.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, Jay, um, I'm sorry about the baseball card. I- I did get you a- a backup gift. It's-it's nothing. I picked it up when we stopped for gas.
Jay: Dog antlers.
Phil: I know. You got us snow, and I got you dog antlers.
Jay: I love these.
Phil: I thought you might.
Jay: Honey, look. There. How cute is that? Where's my Camera? Gloria, you gotta see this! Come on, Stella. Gloria!
Phil: Dog antlers.
Cameron: He loves dog antlers.


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