[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Eh, there comes a point in every gay man's life when a lesbian couple asks him for his sperm.
Cameron: Unless you're Mitchell and me.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: All of our friends have been asked, while we have been cruelly overlooked.
Mitchell: It's painful. It's like not getting picked to play kickball.
Cameron: Well, that never happened to me. I was my kickball team's captain. Well, only after our star broke his leg and had to be put down. He was a...
Mitchell: A mule. From a mile away.

Jay: It wasn't gonna work out with Sherry anyway. She's Canadian. They have ducks on their money. They sell milk in a bag.

Claire: Honey, what are you doing?
Phil: I just saw this incredible telekinesis video. I'm trying to make a piece of bacon levitate.
Claire: Don't you have to, I don't know, work?
Phil: Are you saying it'll never happen? Is there perhaps a more colorful way of saying that?
Claire: I know you're trying to get me to say "It'll happen when pigs fly."
Phil: That counts. [gasps; lifts bacon] What? Oh, my gosh!

Phil: Jerry is following the butterfly migration to Mexico and wants to stop by tomorrow to say hi.
Claire: No way. Make up an excuse.
Phil: I'm a terrible liar.
Claire: Tough. The last thing we need around here is another hippie kook. Oh, it finally happened. I'm my father.

Mitchell: Oh, breaking out the good stuff, huh?
Cameron: Well, you know what? We're finally close friends with a lesbian couple, and... and I... I want them to feel as special to us as if they were real gays.
Mitchell: Cam, they're just as gay as we are.
Cameron: Okay, hold on. One moment. Bink!
Mitchell: Okay, well, as I am.

Cameron: Yeah, you want someone that... you know, with a little distance, that you know and... and trust.
Mitchell: Who's attractive and healthy.
Cameron: And who hasn't had mental illness in their family in at least a generation and a half.
Molly: Well, that's the dream. [chuckles]
Mitchell: Well, dreams can come true.
Campbell: Oh, my God. Thank you, guys.
Cameron: No, thank you.
Campbell: If you think of someone, will you let us know?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell & Cameron: Lesbians.

Manny: Here's your cappuccino.
Jay: Ah.
Manny: None for me. I don't need to be sharp to experience the empty void that is life without Sherry Shaker.
Jay: What are these little drawings in the milk?
Manny: That's me staring out a window. I made the stars with my tears.

Gloria: Ay, papi, if you can survive me driving three blocks with you on the roof of my car, you can survive this.
Manny: When did that happen?

Gloria: Luke! [wakes him up]
Luke: Again? I thought we were even.
Gloria: I need you to do something for Manny. It'll mean the world to him.
Luke: Okay, I guess.
Gloria: I want you to go to Sherry's improv show, talk him up to her. I want her to regret breaking up with him.
Luke: No. Not that. Anything but improv.
Gloria: Improv is no different than getting waterboarded. Just stay calm, go to a pleasant place in your mind, and remember that you're not actually dying.
Luke: Fine. I'll do it.
Gloria: Good boy. [tucks him in] Go back to sleep.
Luke: Why'd you bring a crowbar?
Gloria: No reason.

Cameron: Okay, here we go. Some apricot jam from an old family recipe. Not that you would be interested in any of my family recipes.
Campbell: Is everything okay?
Mitchell: Uh... Uh...
Cameron: Why don't you want us to be your donor?
Molly: Oh.
Mitchell: Uh... D... It's okay. Just say it. You're put off by my red hair.
Cameron: Or is it his freckles?
Mitchell: Or my tendency to burn.
Cameron: Or is it his...
Mitchell: Can this one please be about you?