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‘Tree's A Crowd’ Quotes

Modern Family: Tree's A Crowd

1108. Tree's A Crowd

Aired December 4, 2019

The Dunphy house is bursting at the seams when Dylan’s hippie mom moves in and Claire’s lonely stepdad, Jerry, wants to pay them a visit. Meanwhile, Jay and Gloria attempt to help Manny get over his big breakup with Sherry.

Quote from Cameron

[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Eh, there comes a point in every gay man's life when a lesbian couple asks him for his sperm.
Cameron: Unless you're Mitchell and me.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: All of our friends have been asked, while we have been cruelly overlooked.
Mitchell: It's painful. It's like not getting picked to play kickball.
Cameron: Well, that never happened to me. I was my kickball team's captain. Well, only after our star broke his leg and had to be put down. He was a...
Mitchell: A mule. From a mile away.

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Quote from Jay

Jay: It wasn't gonna work out with Sherry anyway. She's Canadian. They have ducks on their money. They sell milk in a bag.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, what are you doing?
Phil: I just saw this incredible telekinesis video. I'm trying to make a piece of bacon levitate.
Claire: Don't you have to, I don't know, work?
Phil: Are you saying it'll never happen? Is there perhaps a more colorful way of saying that?
Claire: I know you're trying to get me to say "It'll happen when pigs fly."
Phil: That counts. [gasps; lifts bacon] What? Oh, my gosh!

Quote from Claire

Phil: Jerry is following the butterfly migration to Mexico and wants to stop by tomorrow to say hi.
Claire: No way. Make up an excuse.
Phil: I'm a terrible liar.
Claire: Tough. The last thing we need around here is another hippie kook. Oh, it finally happened. I'm my father.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, breaking out the good stuff, huh?
Cameron: Well, you know what? We're finally close friends with a lesbian couple, and... and I... I want them to feel as special to us as if they were real gays.
Mitchell: Cam, they're just as gay as we are.
Cameron: Okay, hold on. One moment. Bink!
Mitchell: Okay, well, as I am.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Yeah, you want someone that... you know, with a little distance, that you know and... and trust.
Mitchell: Who's attractive and healthy.
Cameron: And who hasn't had mental illness in their family in at least a generation and a half.
Molly: Well, that's the dream. [chuckles]
Mitchell: Well, dreams can come true.
Campbell: Oh, my God. Thank you, guys.
Cameron: No, thank you.
Campbell: If you think of someone, will you let us know?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell & Cameron: Lesbians.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Here's your cappuccino.
Jay: Ah.
Manny: None for me. I don't need to be sharp to experience the empty void that is life without Sherry Shaker.
Jay: What are these little drawings in the milk?
Manny: That's me staring out a window. I made the stars with my tears.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Ay, papi, if you can survive me driving three blocks with you on the roof of my car, you can survive this.
Manny: When did that happen?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Luke! [wakes him up]
Luke: Again? I thought we were even.
Gloria: I need you to do something for Manny. It'll mean the world to him.
Luke: Okay, I guess.
Gloria: I want you to go to Sherry's improv show, talk him up to her. I want her to regret breaking up with him.
Luke: No. Not that. Anything but improv.
Gloria: Improv is no different than getting waterboarded. Just stay calm, go to a pleasant place in your mind, and remember that you're not actually dying.
Luke: Fine. I'll do it.
Gloria: Good boy. [tucks him in] Go back to sleep.
Luke: Why'd you bring a crowbar?
Gloria: No reason.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Okay, here we go. Some apricot jam from an old family recipe. Not that you would be interested in any of my family recipes.
Campbell: Is everything okay?
Mitchell: Uh... Uh...
Cameron: Why don't you want us to be your donor?
Molly: Oh.
Mitchell: Uh... D... It's okay. Just say it. You're put off by my red hair.
Cameron: Or is it his freckles?
Mitchell: Or my tendency to burn.
Cameron: Or is it his...
Mitchell: Can this one please be about you?

Quote from Cameron

Campbell: Molly, I think we just found our daddy.
Cameron: Oh, my God. Okay.
Mitchell: Okay, so, which one of us do you want?
Molly: I don't know. We haven't even had a chance to think about it.
Cameron: Well, would it be helpful if we, you know, walked around so you could take us in from shoulder to shank?
Mitchell: It's not the county fair.
Cameron: Alright, well, maybe we'll just go outside and, I don't know, kick something?
Mitchell: Or... Or we could do a puzzle? Or we could spell Connecticut?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Okay, uh... you know what? You... You be the donor. I don't think that I can have a kid in the world and not be a part of their life.
Cameron: Oh, Mitchell, I don't think I can, either. It would kill me to have a little button-nose beauty out there kicking up a storm as the first female punter or the first male Rockette.
Mitchell: We begged them. We're gonna look like such flakes. They're gonna be heartbroken.
Cameron: How do we tell them?
Mitchell: We're just gonna have to be completely honest.
Cameron: We could tell them the microwave's been on the fritz and we're both sterile.
Mitchell: Great. That.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Listen, um... what just happened? Because we just cratered your entire family planning, and all we get is a "Have a good one"?
Mitchell: You don't seem too broken up about it.
Molly: Uh... No, no, we're super-sad. We're just lesbians.
Cameron: Oh. Oh, of course.
Mitchell: Okay. That's on us.

Quote from Luke

Luke: I couldn't talk to Sherry before the show, so I had to sit through it. The first sketch was so bad, I tried to bail, but they locked the doors. Then she walked on the stage... or should I say, the first octopus President
walked on stage.
[flashback:]
Luke: [laughs] Look. She's signing eight bills at once. [laughs]
Sherry: And I'll never run out of ink.
[back:]
Luke: Her performance was a Tour de France. She was like a hot, girl version of my dad.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Manny, violence is never the answer.
Jay: Kid, you don't know what you're doing.
Manny: Uh, yes, I do. I got a "satisfactory" in Beginning Stage Combat. And action!

Quote from Jay

Gloria: I'm so sorry that I told you that you didn't care about other people.
Jay: I care about other people. I'm really very sensitive.
Gloria: That's great. So, maybe tomorrow, you can take Joe to that little boy's princess party.
Jay: Little boy's princess party? Eh... I think it's nice that he has the freedom to express himself that way. Pretty good, huh?
Gloria: They want the parents to go dress up, too.
Jay: Okay, I'm out.


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