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‘I Love a Parade’ Quotes

Modern Family: I Love a Parade

1001. I Love a Parade

Aired September 26, 2018

Jay and Gloria are excited for the Fourth of July parade, where Jay will be acting as the grand marshal. Phil and Luke prepare for a hot dog eating contest. After relaxing all summer with Alex, Claire worries she's not as sharp as she used to be. Meanwhile, Haley reconsiders her relationship with Arvin as he heads off to Switzerland.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Joe, you should be thankful that you live in this country. I spent half of my childhood in a Banana Republic. It was the only store in my village that had air-conditioner.

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Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Haley? What are you doing here?
Haley: Well, you tweeted you were working, the water tower's in the back of your Instagram story, and you just left a Yelp rating for that falafel place around the corner, so I figured out where you were. Could you please stop being so obsessed with me?
Dylan: Wait... what?
Haley: That thing that you said at the hospital? How if a person felt lucky to be in a relationship, that means that they couldn't really be happy? Obviously, you did that to try and ruin what I have with Arvin, because you're not over me.
Dylan: I seriously don't know whether to laugh or check you for a spider bite. I'm sorry that you're questioning your relationship, but it's not my fault.
Haley: Just admit it! You said that to try and get back with me.
Dylan: Look, in my heart of hearts - which does not exist, by the way - yeah, I still think about us. We were great.
Haley: Aha!
Dylan: Nuh-ha! You're the one who drove across town, paid $12 for parking and then an additional $2 for the yellow wristband for beer and medical tent access. It sounds like you're the one who's into me.
Haley: You're crazy.
Dylan: There's no crime in wondering if we might still be good together. I still see us together in my mind's eye... Which, by the way, doesn't exist.
Haley: I can't hear it again. [kisses Dylan] Diagnosis, nothing.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] Things were going great on my cross-country drive until I fell behind schedule after I developed a perfectly rational, fact-based fear of driving over bridges. I called Cam for support since he taught driver's ed, but he wasn't around. Turns out a strong verbal lashing was exactly what I needed to get me across that bridge and the many others that cover this country like a cancer.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I wasn't talking about Luke. The clicking was in my jaw. My old TMJ injury was back, thanks to all the training. I got it in college when I bet my roommate I could out-Frisbee-catch his golden retriever. And guess who wo... Aah!

Quote from Jay

Joe: Oh, no. Has it been a year already?
Gloria: ♪ You're a grand old flag, you're a high-flying flag ♪ ♪ And forever in peace may you wave ♪
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: We love the Fourth of July.
Jay: It's the perfect holiday. You get to cook outside, blow stuff up, wear shorts. Easter should be taking notes.
[back:]
Both: ♪ Keep your eyes on the grand old flag ♪
Joe: That was longer than I remember.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [on the phone] Yes, Mr. President. Yes, sir, I'd be honored to, sir. Thank you. [hangs up] Amazing news. The grand marshal for today's parade just got #MeToo'd, and they need me to fill in.
Gloria: [gasps] Oh, Jay, I'm so happy for you! So, now the only thing left on your bucket list is to bare-knuckle fight a Russian!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] We have been watching my big-for-his-age nephew Cal while my sister Pameron is... is back in Missouri paying off a little debt.
Mitchell: To society. She's in prison.
Cameron: For a tiny parole violation. She tried something on in a store and accidentally walked out.
Mitchell: It was another woman's purse.
Cameron: The silver lining is, Cal is benefiting from our parenting experience. Mitchell is molding young Cal's brain while I handle the young boy's body.
Mitchell: It's a miracle we're not in prison.
Cameron: Yeah.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, here's the thing. Football camp started when Cal came. Then I was laid up because of that dinner at Absolutely Crabulous.
Mitchell: Well, don't worry. I've been slacking on my end, too.
Cameron: Yeah, but I've been telling Pam that Cal is thriving here. We can't send her a video of him reciting his AB6s!

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] For the first time ever, Luke and I are taking part in the sport of kings, the savory science. We're teamed in a parent/child hot-dog-eating contest. We've been training for weeks, and I'm proud to say that Luke, like his old man, is blessed with a dogger's mouth.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: All right. There we go, Cal. hew the peanut butter. See? Now, with editing, we can make it look like he's saying anything we want: numbers, the alphabet, a joke about Jewish people. Pam loves those.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Movie tricks come easy to me. You know, clowns being naturals at deception.
Mitchell: It's true. A couple months into dating, Cam told me he was a clown, did a little performance for me, and I... I did feel deceived.

Quote from Dylan

[flashback:]
Haley: Well, I'm sorry it didn't work out.
Dylan: It's okay. I don't think we ever really got each other. Like, you know how when you and I used to go to concerts, we used to just look at each other and know...
Haley: It was time for me to get on your shoulders and throw my bra at the drummer. [both laugh]
Dylan: Like, you probably have that with Arvin, right?
Haley: Definitely.
Dylan: That's awesome. With my wife, she's pretty and smart and a doctor. But if you're always telling yourself how lucky you are, it's probably because you're afraid to ask yourself how happy you are. Right?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Exciting to be in the competition, huh? Instead of sitting up in the bleachers, like the last three years?
Luke: I guess.
Phil: Scary, sure, but it does feel good putting our butts on the line. You lose 100% of the hot-dog-eating contests you don't enter.
Luke: Dad, I know what your bumper sticker is, and I know what you're trying to do here.

Quote from Jay

Jay: "Thomas Jefferson, who was sort of the grand marshal of his time, believed this country should be a place where people are free to pursue happiness and a better life, where we can set our sights on the stars and, with hard work and determination make the impossible a reality. Because Americans don't run from challenges. We embrace them. God bless America. Hold for applause." That would've killed, right?
Joe: Bravo!
Jay: You know, I gave up a lot today. You could mean it.


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