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37Quotes from ‘I Love a Parade’

Modern Family: I Love a Parade

1001. I Love a Parade

Aired September 26, 2018

Jay and Gloria are excited for the Fourth of July parade, where Jay will be acting as the grand marshal. Phil and Luke prepare for a hot dog eating contest. After relaxing all summer with Alex, Claire worries she's not as sharp as she used to be. Meanwhile, Haley reconsiders her relationship with Arvin as he heads off to Switzerland.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Joe, you should be thankful that you live in this country. I spent half of my childhood in a Banana Republic. It was the only store in my village that had air-conditioner.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Haley? What are you doing here?
Haley: Well, you tweeted you were working, the water tower's in the back of your Instagram story, and you just left a Yelp rating for that falafel place around the corner, so I figured out where you were. Could you please stop being so obsessed with me?
Dylan: Wait... what?
Haley: That thing that you said at the hospital? How if a person felt lucky to be in a relationship, that means that they couldn't really be happy? Obviously, you did that to try and ruin what I have with Arvin, because you're not over me.
Dylan: I seriously don't know whether to laugh or check you for a spider bite. I'm sorry that you're questioning your relationship, but it's not my fault.
Haley: Just admit it! You said that to try and get back with me.
Dylan: Look, in my heart of hearts - which does not exist, by the way - yeah, I still think about us. We were great.
Haley: Aha!
Dylan: Nuh-ha! You're the one who drove across town, paid $12 for parking and then an additional $2 for the yellow wristband for beer and medical tent access. It sounds like you're the one who's into me.
Haley: You're crazy.
Dylan: There's no crime in wondering if we might still be good together. I still see us together in my mind's eye... Which, by the way, doesn't exist.
Haley: I can't hear it again. [kisses Dylan] Diagnosis, nothing.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] Things were going great on my cross-country drive until I fell behind schedule after I developed a perfectly rational, fact-based fear of driving over bridges. I called Cam for support since he taught driver's ed, but he wasn't around. Turns out a strong verbal lashing was exactly what I needed to get me across that bridge and the many others that cover this country like a cancer.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I wasn't talking about Luke. The clicking was in my jaw. My old TMJ injury was back, thanks to all the training. I got it in college when I bet my roommate I could out-Frisbee-catch his golden retriever. And guess who wo... Aah!

Quote from Jay

Joe: Oh, no. Has it been a year already?
Gloria: ♪ You're a grand old flag, you're a high-flying flag ♪ ♪ And forever in peace may you wave ♪
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: We love the Fourth of July.
Jay: It's the perfect holiday. You get to cook outside, blow stuff up, wear shorts. Easter should be taking notes.
[back:]
Both: ♪ Keep your eyes on the grand old flag ♪
Joe: That was longer than I remember.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [on the phone] Yes, Mr. President. Yes, sir, I'd be honored to, sir. Thank you. [hangs up] Amazing news. The grand marshal for today's parade just got #MeToo'd, and they need me to fill in.
Gloria: [gasps] Oh, Jay, I'm so happy for you! So, now the only thing left on your bucket list is to bare-knuckle fight a Russian!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] We have been watching my big-for-his-age nephew Cal while my sister Pameron is... is back in Missouri paying off a little debt.
Mitchell: To society. She's in prison.
Cameron: For a tiny parole violation. She tried something on in a store and accidentally walked out.
Mitchell: It was another woman's purse.
Cameron: The silver lining is, Cal is benefiting from our parenting experience. Mitchell is molding young Cal's brain while I handle the young boy's body.
Mitchell: It's a miracle we're not in prison.
Cameron: Yeah.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, here's the thing. Football camp started when Cal came. Then I was laid up because of that dinner at Absolutely Crabulous.
Mitchell: Well, don't worry. I've been slacking on my end, too.
Cameron: Yeah, but I've been telling Pam that Cal is thriving here. We can't send her a video of him reciting his AB6s!

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] For the first time ever, Luke and I are taking part in the sport of kings, the savory science. We're teamed in a parent/child hot-dog-eating contest. We've been training for weeks, and I'm proud to say that Luke, like his old man, is blessed with a dogger's mouth.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: All right. There we go, Cal. hew the peanut butter. See? Now, with editing, we can make it look like he's saying anything we want: numbers, the alphabet, a joke about Jewish people. Pam loves those.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Movie tricks come easy to me. You know, clowns being naturals at deception.
Mitchell: It's true. A couple months into dating, Cam told me he was a clown, did a little performance for me, and I... I did feel deceived.

Quote from Dylan

[flashback:]
Haley: Well, I'm sorry it didn't work out.
Dylan: It's okay. I don't think we ever really got each other. Like, you know how when you and I used to go to concerts, we used to just look at each other and know...
Haley: It was time for me to get on your shoulders and throw my bra at the drummer. [both laugh]
Dylan: Like, you probably have that with Arvin, right?
Haley: Definitely.
Dylan: That's awesome. With my wife, she's pretty and smart and a doctor. But if you're always telling yourself how lucky you are, it's probably because you're afraid to ask yourself how happy you are. Right?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Exciting to be in the competition, huh? Instead of sitting up in the bleachers, like the last three years?
Luke: I guess.
Phil: Scary, sure, but it does feel good putting our butts on the line. You lose 100% of the hot-dog-eating contests you don't enter.
Luke: Dad, I know what your bumper sticker is, and I know what you're trying to do here.

Quote from Jay

Jay: "Thomas Jefferson, who was sort of the grand marshal of his time, believed this country should be a place where people are free to pursue happiness and a better life, where we can set our sights on the stars and, with hard work and determination make the impossible a reality. Because Americans don't run from challenges. We embrace them. God bless America. Hold for applause." That would've killed, right?
Joe: Bravo!
Jay: You know, I gave up a lot today. You could mean it.

Quote from Lily

Lily: [on the phone] Yeah. I've got time to help you.
Mitchell: Oh, look at your cousin being so sweet and helping out a friend.
Lily: Ugh! Such a weak little coward. Are we done yet?
Manny: No. It's a really big bridge.
Lily: Or maybe you're just a really tiny man.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I wonder...
Cameron: Go on. I'm in.
Mitchell: Is it possible to shoot him in a way that makes him look better than he is?
Cameron: Oh, honey, are you kidding? Vin Diesel's a movie star. Anything's possible with editing.

Quote from Luke

Phil: What do you got there?
Luke: Oh, just choosing some classes for college. This one looks interesting. "In this intensive"... Nope.

Quote from Phil

Luke: I felt something tear inside.
Phil: Push through it. You'll thank me when you start to feel the gorger's high.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Aah! What the hell?!
Phil: Oh, is the hot dog making you angry? An angry stomach is 12% larger. Boo!

Quote from Phil

Phil: I think we've got a real shot to take down Rhonda and Thandie Hodak.
Luke: But they're undefeated.
Phil: I guess that makes us "under-dogs."

Quote from Claire

Alex: Can I get in on that floor bagel?
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Alex decided to take off some time earlier this summer, and, like everything else she does, she did it a little too well.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Hey, gals, things haven't been going that great between me and Arvin, and he's stopping by to say goodbye before leaving for Switzerland. Could you take off the onesies and make it look like we don't live in an insane asylum?
Phil: You suck! You eat like a moron!
Haley: [doorbell rings] Oh, my God! It's like you want Arvin to throw his return ticket off an Alp!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, now, when I say "action," Cal's gonna throw me the ball. You're gonna walk backwards, and then in editing, I'll reverse it to make it look like Cal's catching the ball and you're walking normally.
Mitchell: Why am I even in it at all?
Cameron: Remind me of something, Mitchell, is the best art made by a million voices chiming in or one man with a single vision?

Quote from Lily

Lily: Why the giant bottle of wine?
Cameron: It's for perspective, and nobody's asking that question.
Lily: Didn't I just ask it?

Quote from Phil

Luke: What's that?
Phil: Oh. Um... Listen. No dad wants to have this talk with his son, but... you're just not eating enough hot dogs.

Quote from Phil

Luke: I'm sorry. For some reason, I just... I can't focus.
Claire: I think what Luke is trying to say is, he's too old for this contest and he doesn't have the heart to tell you.
Phil: That's impossible. I'm an adult. I'm still super into it.
Luke: Yeah. My 20s should be my prime hot-dog-eating years.
Claire: That was just my first attempt. I'm gonna figure this out. Hang on. Despite what Alex says, I have not lost my edge.
Phil: Something just clicked.
Luke: Fine. You're right. It's college.
Claire: It is?
Luke: Yeah. I'm distracted because I'm feeling some pressure on which classes to take. But don't worry. I'm gonna figure it out.
Claire: Wow. How could you tell?
Phil: Just a perceptive guy.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Arvin and I had the worst goodbye. It's been such a weird past couple months.
Claire: That long?
Haley: It feels like it all started in the hospital, after I told him I loved him.
Claire: There you go.
Claire: That's it. You pressured him. Too much, too soon.
Haley: Maybe.
Phil: Something's not lining up.
Haley: Okay, you're right.
Claire: Seriously?!

Quote from Dylan

[flashback:]
Haley: Lost again?
Dylan: No. This time, I meant to come back. I have some pretty big news. You should probably be sitting for this.
Haley: O... kay. [raises bed]
Dylan: I lied. I'm not married anymore. My wife left me for her ex-husband. I'm a divorcé.
Haley: Why are you telling me this?
Dylan: Because I'm back in town, I'm going to nursing school, and we might run into each other. I don't want to spend the rest of my life pretending my wife is in the bathroom.
Haley: Yeah, I would start to worry about her after a while

Quote from Claire

Haley: I can't believe Dylan got into my head.
Claire: I can't believe he got into nursing school.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Have you seen Manny? I've been looking all over for him. I don't see him.
Jay: I've been here, busy inspecting the troops. Young lady, could you straighten that hat? Sir, that... that horn could use a shine. Haircut. Gloria, if this goes well, in a couple of months, I'll be lighting the town Christmas tree. Take that, Dad!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: You know what is weird? After so many years at Carnaval, to be at a parade with people fully dressed.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Damn it, Gloria! It's not cutting! These aren't lefties!

Quote from Jay

Claire: Grand-marshal. Take that, Grandpa! You must be on top of the world.
Jay: Well, I'm putting on a brave face for the good of the country, but the truth is, we did not get off to a great start. Gloria is not on her game today, and I'm afraid she's gonna forget to lead the standing ovation after my speech.
Claire: Hm.
Jay: In fact, I'm tagging you in. Your cue is "pursuit of happiness." And if you could sell it, a "bravo" would be nice.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Okay. I-I know what's wrong with Gloria. This is a big day for you, and she's feeling left out.
Jay: No, that's not it.
Claire: Damn it.
Lily: [on the phone] You're not getting here till tomorrow? How does your name even have the word "man" in it?
Claire: Something just clicked.
Jay: Jaw trouble?
Claire: No! She was just on with Manny, who's not coming. Don't Gloria and Manny have some Fourth of July tradition?
Jay: Come to think of it, they share a slice of apple pie and watch the fireworks. They've been doing that every year since he was born!
Claire: Until this year, which is why Gloria is upset. Yes!
Jay: You're right!

Quote from Phil

Luke: But college is different. I mean, you screw up at community college, you're out of options.
Phil: You're not gonna screw it up.
Luke: I've messed up a lot of things in my life. I'm scared I'll do it again.
Phil: Good.
Luke: What?
Phil: Being scared means you care. Maybe... Maybe that's what's been missing in the past.
Luke: It's the biggest thing I've ever tried to do.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, my gosh. Pam is gonna be so excited. He's already busting at a first-grade level.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: How was the parade?
Jay: I had something more important to do.
Gloria: Apple pie?
Jay: I got a few weird looks at the drive-through, but it was worth it to help keep your tradition alive.
Gloria: You mean Manny and me? It's not gonna happen, because... I've got that covered, too.
Claire: ♪ Ta-da! ♪
Manny: [on video chat] Hi, Mom! I miss you!
Gloria: Oh, Jay! That's perfect!
Jay: Oh, it's not perfect yet. [whistles, firework starts]
Claire: Should we really give the dangerous job to my only smart one?

Quote from Lily

Phil: Never too late to start training for next year! Let's loosen up first with some exercises. Lamalick. Dizzy Gillespie. Tiffy pop it. Hold it. And out. Tiffy...
Luke: Dad, I don't think I can ever eat another hot dog again.
Phil: Yeah, I thought you might feel this way. [on the phone] Hey, you there?
Lily: What?
Phil: We're having some trouble getting these bad boys down.
Lily: I'm not surprised, you pathetic losers. You two disgust me more than what's in those hot dogs. What's the hold up? Are we saving our bodies for bikini season, ladies?
Luke: She's good.
Phil: She better be. She's expensive.


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