TV Quotes

Jay: I found more hot sauce in the garage. Muy caliente.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Oof! I almost gave it away, there. I got a big surprise for Gloria in the works. I'm learning Spanish. Every chance I get, I pop my earbuds in, learn a few lessons. Program's even got a cool feature. Any phrase I want to learn, I just say it in English, and it spits it right back at me in Español. I'm sorry, I mean "Spanish." Loco!

Cameron: Okay, well, now our only option is the 9:00 p.m. Fortunately, it's a direct flight into Kansas City and then just a short hop on HamTrak, so...
Alex: Did you just say "Ham"...

Haley: Oh, we love our new place, by the way. Thanks again for putting in a good word for us with the owner.
Mitchell: Yeah, he just needed some reassurance, considering most of Dylan's money is tied up in Dave & Buster's gift cards.
Dylan: Safer than banks.

Mitchell: Huh. Flood warnings this time. Oh, and a swarm of locusts has been spotted in the flight path. What part of the Old Testament are we moving to?

Haley: How many nights did we spend in these exact same positions?
Alex: Me doing homework by flashlight, and you inventing new illnesses to get out of P.E.
Haley: Oh, yeah! Remember when I had frumbles?

Mitchell: Oh! Uh, Cam, our car's here.
Claire: [voice breaking] Oh. So, this is really it?
Cameron: We are gonna miss you all so much. And, here, I want you to read this, but not until after I leave.
Gloria: It's gonna make me cry, isn't it, you beautiful, corn-fed son of a bitch?

Phil: You guys are gonna visit, right?
Cameron: Of course. And you all are gonna visit us. It's just a couple quick flights and a short Goober ride from the airport.
Alex: Did he just say...

Lily: I said I wasn't gonna cry.
Manny: And you're not.
Lily: Yeah. It's called strength.

Phil: It's nice we have this extra time together, thanks to that lucky tornado.
Claire: It hit an elementary school, Phil.
Cameron: Well, no kids were there. It's opening day of squirrel-hunting season.

Gloria: Jay, do you want to come and join your family? Jay! [no response] He's been like this a lot lately... in his own world.
Phil: Well, it's a tough time. Mitch and Cam leaving, Manny heading out next week, plus I'm missing his birthday for a tumbling congress in the desert. You've probably heard of it. Turning Man?

Joe: Your Earl Grey.
Manny: Oh, thank you. [slurps] Ugh! Is there vinegar in here?
Joe: Congratulations. You're dead! Never take a drink if you haven't watched it be made.
Manny: Uh, he saw this special called "You Cruise, You Lose," and he's convinced something bad is going to happen to me on my trip.
Joe: If this had been the real thing, you'd be on a container ship halfway to the slave markets in Tripoli.

Alex: So, just because I'm curious...
Cameron: Yeah, it's a livestock train, but people ride it, too. But don't worry, we're in first class with the show hogs.

Cameron: Hey, you're sure now's not a bad time to borrow your garment steamer?
Manny: Of course not. And this thing's a marvel. Who knew George Foreman had one more in him after his grill?

Gloria: I'm so glad that you're here. Do you remember that little problem that I told you I had?
Phil: Everyone has dreams like that. The Japanese have a whole genre of comic books about it.
Gloria: No, no, no. It's about Jay. I don't know if he's losing his hearing or he's depressed or what. Probably he's ashamed to talk to me, but...
Phil: But not to his best friend. Say no more. I just need you to fill a spaghetti pot with water and boil it.
Gloria: How is that gonna help?
Phil: Oh, it's a backup for Cam's suit. I lost all confidence in George Foreman after his teeth-whitening system burned my gums.

Gloria: So nice.
Cameron: What? Nice? It was the perfect goodbye letter. It's "The Notebook" meets the first 10 minutes of "Up." It was enough to make you curse God for giving you the ability to love.
Gloria: It was a poem where every line started with a letter of my name.

Jay: Chaqueta. Sombrero. What are you? I know you're masculine.
Gloria: What is wrong with you?
Jay: What are you talking about?
Gloria: You're acting crazy, and it's scaring me. You're too young to be acting like an old man.
Jay: [Spanish: "Who are you calling an old man?"]
Gloria: [Spanish: "I'm not mad at you, I--"]
Jay: [Spanish: "I'm learning Spanish for you. Surprise, my love."] I've been using this app, you know, so I'll know what's going on when I go with you to Colombia this summer.
Gloria: [gasps] You're coming?!
Jay: You've been staring at my family for 12 years. Least I can do is stare at yours for one summer.
Gloria: You're wonderful. But no staring, and never, ever take the same route twice. Ay, Jay, you're gonna love it.

Jay: [v.o.] A lot can happen to a family over the years. New additions... New struggles. You don't always mark the moments, because you're too busy taking care of life. Best you can do sometimes is remind yourself to cherish every single...

Gloria: And don't forget that Joe and I are leaving to Colombia for the whole summer.
Phil: How's that gonna be for Jay?
Jay: Rough. If you drive past my house and see me sock-sliding past the window with a scotch in my hand, that's just how I deal with grief.

Cameron: Well, don't stress out too much. The... The car is here.
Mitchell: Okay.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: So... this is goodbye again.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Phil: It's gonna take a minute to ramp back up to all the emotion... [voice breaking] I'm there.

Cameron: Is it alive?
Jay: No.
Mitchell: Is it scissors?
Jay: Sure.
Cameron: No, but you said it was heavier than a piano!
Jay: I just want this to be over. Can we be done with games?