TV Quotes

Jay: [v.o.] A lot can happen to a family over the years. New additions... New struggles. You don't always mark the moments, because you're too busy taking care of life. Best you can do sometimes is remind yourself to cherish every single...

Gloria: And don't forget that Joe and I are leaving to Colombia for the whole summer.
Phil: How's that gonna be for Jay?
Jay: Rough. If you drive past my house and see me sock-sliding past the window with a scotch in my hand, that's just how I deal with grief.

Cameron: Well, don't stress out too much. The... The car is here.
Mitchell: Okay.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: So... this is goodbye again.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Phil: It's gonna take a minute to ramp back up to all the emotion... [voice breaking] I'm there.

Cameron: Is it alive?
Jay: No.
Mitchell: Is it scissors?
Jay: Sure.
Cameron: No, but you said it was heavier than a piano!
Jay: I just want this to be over. Can we be done with games?

Mitchell: Oh, our car's a minute away.
Cameron: Okay. Goodbyes Part 3. And please, no hugs. Lay off my linen suit. It's already as wrinkled as my favorite pig when she lost all that weight.

Mitchell: You're taking a family picture without us?!
Cameron: Okay, well, you have made leaving a lot easier because, clearly, what this family needs is some time apart.
Mitchell: Uh-huh. Let's... [cellphone chimes] Uh-oh.
Jay: Did any of us really not think that was gonna happen?

Claire: Mitchell, we skated our little hearts out to "Hungry Like the Wolf" for this thing. I'm taking it. Damn it, it's locked.

Mitchell: You brought me here to steal?! I can't go to jail. I am a gay prosecutor. There's no prison gangs for that.

Mitchell: W-What are you doing? You... You know how to pick a lock?
Claire: Luke's always getting locked into something. Between that and trying to break into Haley's diary, I'm kind of a pro. By the way, thanks for getting her on birth control.
Mitchell: Oh, yeah, what are uncles for?

Alex: How about when Luke would have nightmares and drag his sleeping bag in here?
Haley: Oh.
Alex: We'd wait till he fell asleep, light candles, put on devil masks, and wake him up.
Haley: [laughs] He still can't form long-term attachments. [laughs]

[aside to camera:]
Haley: It was 2005, and we desperately wanted a dog. So we made a video to convince our parents that we could be responsible dog owners.
Alex: The dog, of course, was played by a 6-year-old Luke. He'd already had ringworm that summer, so he had an entryway into the role.

Luke: Wait a minute. The Woofie ears just happen to be here? I must be the luckiest bastard alive. Let's do this.

Mitchell: Oh, my God. That was so fun! Oh, I never do stuff like this with anybody but you. Well, also because I'm an adult with ethics.
Claire: We make a great team.
Mitchell: Oh, my God. It just hit me. This might be the last time that we...
Claire: No, no, no. No, no. We already said goodbye twice. Keep it light.
Mitchell: It's just that some of my best memories are of you and me here. That... There, that's it. I'm done.
Claire: Would you say... you're hungry for more?
Mitchell: Hungry like...

Gloria: Jay, are you hungry? [no response] Jay? What's wrong with him?
Joe: Is everything gonna be okay, Mommy? [hugs Manny] You're scaring us.
Manny: Oh, it's okay, buddy. Jay is just going through something right...
Joe: [holding Manny's wallet] Idiot! I hope you like dancing for coins on the streets of Calcutta.

Jay: Table for two, please. Are you my waiter?
Phil: Hey, Jay. How you doing?
Jay: This isn't what I wanted.
Phil: I know you might be feeling a little down with everybody leaving, but it's not the end of the world, right?
Jay: I'm finished here.
Phil: Hey, don't you talk like that.
Jay: Could I please have a spoon?
Phil: Wh... Whatever you need... buddy. [spoons Jay]

Cameron: Okay, alright, I... I know what you're doing. You're putting up walls around your... your feelings, because you're not emotionally prepared to let go of someone you love so dearly.
Gloria: Manny.
Cameron: Oh, yeah. He's leaving, too.
Gloria: 21 years. Five careers. Two husbands. He was the only constant. I can't start crying to him about this now, because I might never stop.

Cameron: Yes, I know, but those feelings have to go somewhere, Gloria. Why don't you do what I did... put them in writing?
Gloria: That might work. Thank you, Cam.
Cameron: No. No, Gloria. [sniffles] Thank you. Thank you for allowing me to be your guide to spiritual awakening the last 12 years. It has been... a true privilege.
Gloria: What are you talking about? We've been alone maybe like eight times.
Cameron: Shh. Soar.

Manny: Joe!
Joe: Too late. I just sold your kidney on the black market in Zanzibar.

Gloria: Joe, your brother's trying to take a bath. Privacy, please. [closes door]
Manny: Oh, Mom! Mom, no. [Gloria uncuffs Manny] Thank you.
Gloria: I know that you're the poet in the family, but I wrote you a little something.
Manny: Oh, Mom. I'm the lucky one.
Gloria: I'm gonna miss you so much, but I am so excited that you're going to have adventures on your own. Have the best year, Manny.
Manny: I will. And I'm gonna miss you, too.
Gloria: Come back in one piece.
Manny: I promise. [Gloria cuffs Manny] What?
Gloria: Talk is cheap.
Manny: Mom! What... How am I supposed to get out?!
Gloria: You have everything you need to figure it out. Slow down your heartbeat, look at your surroundings.

Haley: [on the phone] Wah, wah, wah. You carried two boxes, Dylan. I carried two humans. Yes, Poppy and George. Who else?

Claire: So, that's pretty much... 25 years of uninterrupted crazy. Then, when it ends... it ends.
Phil: Until our next chapter. I'm just brainstorming here, but, uh... maybe we take a long-delayed RV trip across the United States, get selfies with all the Major League baseball mascots.
Claire: I must really love you, 'cause that sounds fun. [voice breaking] They're really leaving. What do we do?
Phil: What people have always done. Leave the porch light on. They come back.

Luke: Hey. I know people tend to get mushy in moments like this, but with you headed around the world and me headed off to college...
Manny: [voice breaking] We'll stay close.
Luke: How come you never wrote a poem for me?
Manny: Don't you get it? They were all for you.

Jay: Life is full of change... some big, some small. I learned a long time ago, you can fight it... ...or you can try to make the best of it. And that's all a lot easier if you've got people who love you... ...helping you face whatever life throws at you. At least, that's what helps me sleep at night.

Haley: Hi, Mommy and Daddy. We know you don't think that we can take care of a dog, but you haven't met our dog, Woofie.
Luke: Woof!
Haley: No barking, Woofie.
Luke: But you just said to...
Alex: Bad dog! Bad dog!
Luke: Ow!

Alex: And don't worry, we'll always remember to feed him and keep him healthy.
Luke: Is there a pill in here?
Haley: So, you don't want a shiny coat?

Haley: So, as you can see, we can do this.
Alex: We know a dog's a lot of work, but we'll never have to do it alone.
Haley: Yeah, it will always be the three of us. Always. The end.

Haley: You guys know you can call me anytime, right?
Alex: And it's easy to visit Switzerland, so...
Luke: And I can still count on you for relationship advice, right? I don't want to become one of those pathetic guys that lets women manipulate them. We're gonna be fine.
Haley: Sit.
Alex: Stay.