TV Quotes

Jay: I found more hot sauce in the garage. Muy caliente.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Oof! I almost gave it away, there. I got a big surprise for Gloria in the works. I'm learning Spanish. Every chance I get, I pop my earbuds in, learn a few lessons. Program's even got a cool feature. Any phrase I want to learn, I just say it in English, and it spits it right back at me in Español. I'm sorry, I mean "Spanish." Loco!

Cameron: Okay, well, now our only option is the 9:00 p.m. Fortunately, it's a direct flight into Kansas City and then just a short hop on HamTrak, so...
Alex: Did you just say "Ham"...

Haley: Oh, we love our new place, by the way. Thanks again for putting in a good word for us with the owner.
Mitchell: Yeah, he just needed some reassurance, considering most of Dylan's money is tied up in Dave & Buster's gift cards.
Dylan: Safer than banks.

Mitchell: Huh. Flood warnings this time. Oh, and a swarm of locusts has been spotted in the flight path. What part of the Old Testament are we moving to?

Haley: How many nights did we spend in these exact same positions?
Alex: Me doing homework by flashlight, and you inventing new illnesses to get out of P.E.
Haley: Oh, yeah! Remember when I had frumbles?

Mitchell: Oh! Uh, Cam, our car's here.
Claire: [voice breaking] Oh. So, this is really it?
Cameron: We are gonna miss you all so much. And, here, I want you to read this, but not until after I leave.
Gloria: It's gonna make me cry, isn't it, you beautiful, corn-fed son of a bitch?

Phil: You guys are gonna visit, right?
Cameron: Of course. And you all are gonna visit us. It's just a couple quick flights and a short Goober ride from the airport.
Alex: Did he just say...

Phil: It's nice we have this extra time together, thanks to that lucky tornado.
Claire: It hit an elementary school, Phil.
Cameron: Well, no kids were there. It's opening day of squirrel-hunting season.

Gloria: Jay, do you want to come and join your family? Jay! [no response] He's been like this a lot lately... in his own world.
Phil: Well, it's a tough time. Mitch and Cam leaving, Manny heading out next week, plus I'm missing his birthday for a tumbling congress in the desert. You've probably heard of it. Turning Man?

Joe: Your Earl Grey.
Manny: Oh, thank you. [slurps] Ugh! Is there vinegar in here?
Joe: Congratulations. You're dead! Never take a drink if you haven't watched it be made.
Manny: Uh, he saw this special called "You Cruise, You Lose," and he's convinced something bad is going to happen to me on my trip.
Joe: If this had been the real thing, you'd be on a container ship halfway to the slave markets in Tripoli.