TV Quotes

Sal: Surprise! Guess who's on time.
Mitchell: Oh, my God! Sal, wow, you're pregnant.
Cameron: Congratulations!
Sal: Thank you. We're really excited.
Lily: You're huge.
Sal: Nice teeth.

Sal: Fausta here can babysit Sammy and General Tsour over there. Sammy, tell your guncles hello like I taught you.
Sammy: Enchante.
Mitchell: What am I looking at here?
Sal: I'm raising him gay. Tell Uncle Mitchell what you think about those pants.
Sammy: Tragic.
Sal: Oh, it's sticking! [laughs]

Cameron: I'm just gonna go check on Lily real quick.
Sal: Right now?
Cameron: Yeah. It'll just take a second.
Sal: Well, I'm just- You're gonna miss me sluttin' it up with Driving Miss Daisy.
Cameron: It'll just take a second. Real fast.
Sal: You should kill that baby.
Mitchell: What?
Sal: You should call the baby. I love you guys so much.
Cameron: Did she just-
Mitchell: I'm scared.

Sal: Cam, Mitch, Peps, this guy. This is Eddie, my baby daddy.
Cameron: So, why didn't you tell us?
Sal: Oh, you know, we just wanted to get through that first trimester before we let the cat out of the bag.
Pepper: When was that last summer?
Mitchell: So, y-you're you're how far along now?
Eddie: About four months. Right, honey?
Sal: Four months. Yep. Yeah. Just about the exact amount of time Eddie and I have been together.
Ronaldo: I don't understand. Four is this many, yes?
Pepper: Si.

Eric: But we've only been together four months.
Sal: I just love you so much, I can't wait to have your baby. God! Kids ruin everything!
Claire: Yeah, they sure do.
Eric: Let's get you to the hospital and have our miracle baby.
Sal: Okay. Just so you know, sometimes when babies come this early, they're black.

Cameron: We're just happy you're happy. And we're excited that we're gonna get to see so much more of you now.
Mitchell: Yes. We'll be couple friends. We'll go to movies.
Cameron: Take classes.
Mitchell: Oh, our game nights on Saturday, they're epic, yeah. Do you play Cranium?
Sal: Well, if I'm playing board games on a Saturday night, you can shoot me in my cranium. But I love you!

Mitchell: Has anyone heard from Sal?
Pepper: No. And I will never understand why you asked that boozy us-hag to officiate your wedding.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: We didn't exactly ask Sal.
[flashback:]
Cameron: Sal. We have something very important to talk to you about.
Mitchell: Yeah, we hope that maybe you would be open to the idea-
Sal: Yes! I will totally officiate your wedding! Oh, my drinks!
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: It was supposed to be an intervention.

Sal: All right, you old bags, put your teeth in, you're taking me out.
Cameron: Sal, what are you doing here?
Sal: It's Valentine's Day and my new German boyfriend, Werner, is out of town, and I don't like to drink alone.
[all laugh] The first part's true.

Sal: Werner is great. You know, he's a rich musician, tours a lot, no strings.
Mitchell: Well, um... [Mitchell and Cameron yawn] This has been fun, but we should, uh...
Sal: You're not going anywhere, Carrot Bottom.

Sal: Finally. I was beginning to think she was weaker than Mitchell's jawline. Everyone knows why you grew that thing.