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‘Do You Believe In Magic’ Quotes

Modern Family: Do You Believe In Magic

812. Do You Believe In Magic

Aired February 8, 2017

Phil worries that the romance between him and Claire is fizzling out, so he calls upon his alter ego, Clive Bixby. Gloria is unhappy that Jay seems proud of Joe's inappropriate Valentine's Day gift-giving. Cameron and Mitchell try to support the women in their lives to stand up for themselves, but their advice to Lily, Haley and Sal just lands them in trouble.

Quote from Sal

Sal: Fausta here can babysit Sammy and General Tsour over there. Sammy, tell your guncles hello like I taught you.
Sammy: Enchante.
Mitchell: What am I looking at here?
Sal: I'm raising him gay. Tell Uncle Mitchell what you think about those pants.
Sammy: Tragic.
Sal: Oh, it's sticking! [laughs]

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Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I've got a crazy-good poker face, but I didn't love the watch. I'd been dropping these big hints about a pair of genuine Houdini handcuffs on sale at a local magic shop. They're from his famous Coffin of Cobras Escape of 1923. The trick was so shocking that women went into spontaneous labor and the men paired off in violent fighting.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay, this is not funny. I come from a very long line of overly sexy men. My cousin Ricardo, he had a sex addition.
Jay: You mean "addiction."
Gloria: Uh, yeah, sorry. He built an addiction onto his house for making love to his many girlfriends.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] It's fun when your kids get your best qualities, but it's a kick in the gut when they pick up stuff you hate about yourself. I saw that ugly, impatient part of me coming out of my adorable son. In fairness, that adorable part also came from me. We both got my mom's crab-apple cheeks and pillow lips.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Crap. Crap. Crappacino. Charlie Craplin.
Gloria: In Colombia, when the old man starts yelling at the mail, we put them on a sandbar and wait for the tide to come in.

Quote from Phil

Alex: What happened to your arm?
Phil: Oh, I am winding an old watch that your mother gave me for Valentine's Day.
Alex: Oh. That's pretty uneven. You gave her this awesome swing. Man, where did Mom find a guy as sweet as you?
Phil: Actually, she hit me with her car when I was break-dancing in a KFC parking lot.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Well, Delgado's got a doozy of a Valentine's dilemma. I texted out feelers for two dates. Vicky Noh is top choice, but Alexa Potts has been doing this bad-girl thing lately I'm into. So, while I wait for a yes from Noh, I've got to keep Potts on the back burner.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Happy - Valentine's Day, my love!
Claire: [gasps] Oh, thank you. I love this. What is it?
Phil: It's the actual porch swing where we had our first kiss.
Claire: No.
Phil: Check it out. The carvings are still on the back from 25 years ago.
Claire: Oh, my gosh. "Phil hearts Claire." Oh, honey, this is gonna look so great out on our porch. I can't believe you did this. Wow.
Phil: It was nothing. I made a few calls, drove half a day, had Campari and haggled with a handsy gay landlord, took the swing apart, loaded it in a van, ran out of gas in the desert, got harassed by a shady state trooper, and drove back with a blinding migraine. But easy-peasy.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Wow. Those are nice.
Alex: Yeah, they were on the front porch. They're from a mystery admirer. The card says, "You don't know your power."
Phil: Oh, that's my bad. I was power-washing the flagstones in my old cheer shorts.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Oh, and Lily gets to stay up a little later tonight because she had a big-girl moment at school.
Mitchell: Yes, this boy Jagger - 'cause that's a name now - teased her and she told him off in front of everybody.
Cameron: And we're proud of you because you used your words.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: She used our words. We wrote her a little speech. She really told that kid off good.
Mitchell: Our society encourages women to be unassertive, so we need to do everything we can to to really empower Lily. We may not get women, but that allows us to really get women.
Cameron: We may not hook up with women, but we really understand women.
Mitchell: I think it was clear when I said it.

Quote from Sal

Sal: All right, you old bags, put your teeth in, you're taking me out.
Cameron: Sal, what are you doing here?
Sal: It's Valentine's Day and my new German boyfriend, Werner, is out of town, and I don't like to drink alone.
[all laugh] The first part's true.

Quote from Jay

Ms. Clarke: I asked you guys to come in today because Joe has given me a very, um, inappropriate Valentine's Day gift. [holds up red lingerie] I assume that he got this from home?
Gloria: Ms. Clarke, I am so sorry. I'm sure that Joe doesn't even know what he was doing.
Jay: Oh. [laughs] Looks like I'm finally gonna get to fight with one son over the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

Quote from Joe

Joe: Did I do something wrong?
Jay: You did take something out of your mom's drawer without asking. But I'm gonna give you a pass on that one. The thing is, the gift was inappropriate.
Joe: Well, you give underpants to Mom.
Jay: True.
Joe: You do it every year.
Jay: Look, you can give that kind of thing to your wife or your girlfriend. But it's a little bit different when it's your teacher, okay?
Joe: Fine. Can I go back to the quiet room now? I already missed half of my nap. You know how I get.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Oops. I seem to have dropped my spare hotel key.
Claire: Phil.
Phil: Shh. No need to call whoever this Phil is. You're in no danger. This key is to room 422 at the Ramada down the street. Slip out when you can. I'll pre-disable the smoke detectors so you don't set it off when you shimmy out of those sensible wide-leg trousers.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: For the past several Valentine's, we've adopted sexy alter egos Juliana, wild and spontaneous, and Clive, passionate collector of beautiful women and antique sailing maps.

Quote from Sal

Sal: Werner is great. You know, he's a rich musician, tours a lot, no strings.
Mitchell: Well, um... [Mitchell and Cameron yawn] This has been fun, but we should, uh...
Sal: You're not going anywhere, Carrot Bottom.

Quote from Sal

Sal: Finally. I was beginning to think she was weaker than Mitchell's jawline. Everyone knows why you grew that thing.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Okay, this coming from the woman who who won't admit that she's upset that her boyfriend abandoned her on Valentine's Day.
Cameron: Oh, and didn't you just get back from learning how to plant corn with the Indians?
Mitchell: Because you look, to us, like an early settler.
Cameron: Settler.
Both: We're saying that you settle.
Sal: You practice this at home, don't you?
Both: We do not.

Quote from Haley

Haley: What are you guys doing here? Need a sailor to cross off number four on that Valentine's Day list of yours? Was that mean? I've been around Sal, I've lost my filter.

Quote from Cameron

Sal: Werner's precious Tony Award. He keeps in at sea as the ultimate aphrodisiac.
Mitchell: For women?
Sal: Auf Wiedersehen, Award for Best Orchestration.
Mitchell: Oh, my God.
Cameron: No. Sal, Sal. No.
Mitchell: Haley, help.
Cameron: I will not tell your gay son that you threw a Tony into the ocean.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Ben, why do you have this photo of me in your desk drawer?
Ben: I think someone's pranking me, probably.
Alex: I'm gonna go.
Ben: Okay. Wait, look. I sent the flowers, okay? When you temped here last summer, I became tempted [chuckles] by your charms.
Alex: Well, thank you, but aren't you like 40?
Ben: What? I'm 26. I I had a SweeTAR addiction when I was a kid and I permanently damaged my collagen.
Alex: Wow. I've been in a series of bizarre, shame-filled relationships. You work for my mother. You still live at home. Look at all those medications. Kiss me.
Ben: What? Whoa. Okay, that was very cool, but you should know that I have dedicated my life to closets, I am obsessed with your grandfather, and I sleep with a body pillow that I put a nightgown on.
Alex: Stop, you're making it better.

Quote from Joe

Jay: What'd I miss?
Joe: This overpaid bum missed a putt.
Jay: I'm supposed to not like this.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Hi, honey. I'm sorry I'm late. We had a whole incident [kiss] at the warehouse, a paint mixer blew up. Luckily I had these overalls in my office I could- Oh, you're mad, aren't you?
Phil: Mad? [chuckles] I mean, was this the best Valentine's Day we've ever had? No. Was it the worst? Yes. I gave you a great gift. I tried to surprise you at the office. You repaid the effort by making a reservation at a truck stop and dressing up like Tom Sawyer. But hey, maybe this happens to everyone, Claire. Romance fizzles. Magic dies. At least we can mark the exact time it happened to us, thanks to my new watch, which only a switchboard operator from the 1950s could keep wound.


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