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43Quotes from ‘Do You Believe In Magic’

Modern Family: Do You Believe In Magic

812. Do You Believe In Magic

Aired February 8, 2017

Phil worries that the romance between him and Claire is fizzling out, so he calls upon his alter ego, Clive Bixby. Gloria is unhappy that Jay seems proud of Joe's inappropriate Valentine's Day gift-giving. Cameron and Mitchell try to support the women in their lives to stand up for themselves, but their advice to Lily, Haley and Sal just lands them in trouble.

Quote from Sal

Sal: Fausta here can babysit Sammy and General Tsour over there. Sammy, tell your guncles hello like I taught you.
Sammy: Enchante.
Mitchell: What am I looking at here?
Sal: I'm raising him gay. Tell Uncle Mitchell what you think about those pants.
Sammy: Tragic.
Sal: Oh, it's sticking! [laughs]

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I've got a crazy-good poker face, but I didn't love the watch. I'd been dropping these big hints about a pair of genuine Houdini handcuffs on sale at a local magic shop. They're from his famous Coffin of Cobras Escape of 1923. The trick was so shocking that women went into spontaneous labor and the men paired off in violent fighting.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay, this is not funny. I come from a very long line of overly sexy men. My cousin Ricardo, he had a sex addition.
Jay: You mean "addiction."
Gloria: Uh, yeah, sorry. He built an addiction onto his house for making love to his many girlfriends.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] It's fun when your kids get your best qualities, but it's a kick in the gut when they pick up stuff you hate about yourself. I saw that ugly, impatient part of me coming out of my adorable son. In fairness, that adorable part also came from me. We both got my mom's crab-apple cheeks and pillow lips.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Crap. Crap. Crappacino. Charlie Craplin.
Gloria: In Colombia, when the old man starts yelling at the mail, we put them on a sandbar and wait for the tide to come in.

Quote from Phil

Alex: What happened to your arm?
Phil: Oh, I am winding an old watch that your mother gave me for Valentine's Day.
Alex: Oh. That's pretty uneven. You gave her this awesome swing. Man, where did Mom find a guy as sweet as you?
Phil: Actually, she hit me with her car when I was break-dancing in a KFC parking lot.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Well, Delgado's got a doozy of a Valentine's dilemma. I texted out feelers for two dates. Vicky Noh is top choice, but Alexa Potts has been doing this bad-girl thing lately I'm into. So, while I wait for a yes from Noh, I've got to keep Potts on the back burner.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Happy - Valentine's Day, my love!
Claire: [gasps] Oh, thank you. I love this. What is it?
Phil: It's the actual porch swing where we had our first kiss.
Claire: No.
Phil: Check it out. The carvings are still on the back from 25 years ago.
Claire: Oh, my gosh. "Phil hearts Claire." Oh, honey, this is gonna look so great out on our porch. I can't believe you did this. Wow.
Phil: It was nothing. I made a few calls, drove half a day, had Campari and haggled with a handsy gay landlord, took the swing apart, loaded it in a van, ran out of gas in the desert, got harassed by a shady state trooper, and drove back with a blinding migraine. But easy-peasy.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Wow. Those are nice.
Alex: Yeah, they were on the front porch. They're from a mystery admirer. The card says, "You don't know your power."
Phil: Oh, that's my bad. I was power-washing the flagstones in my old cheer shorts.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Oh, and Lily gets to stay up a little later tonight because she had a big-girl moment at school.
Mitchell: Yes, this boy Jagger - 'cause that's a name now - teased her and she told him off in front of everybody.
Cameron: And we're proud of you because you used your words.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: She used our words. We wrote her a little speech. She really told that kid off good.
Mitchell: Our society encourages women to be unassertive, so we need to do everything we can to to really empower Lily. We may not get women, but that allows us to really get women.
Cameron: We may not hook up with women, but we really understand women.
Mitchell: I think it was clear when I said it.

Quote from Sal

Sal: All right, you old bags, put your teeth in, you're taking me out.
Cameron: Sal, what are you doing here?
Sal: It's Valentine's Day and my new German boyfriend, Werner, is out of town, and I don't like to drink alone.
[all laugh] The first part's true.

Quote from Jay

Ms. Clarke: I asked you guys to come in today because Joe has given me a very, um, inappropriate Valentine's Day gift. [holds up red lingerie] I assume that he got this from home?
Gloria: Ms. Clarke, I am so sorry. I'm sure that Joe doesn't even know what he was doing.
Jay: Oh. [laughs] Looks like I'm finally gonna get to fight with one son over the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

Quote from Joe

Joe: Did I do something wrong?
Jay: You did take something out of your mom's drawer without asking. But I'm gonna give you a pass on that one. The thing is, the gift was inappropriate.
Joe: Well, you give underpants to Mom.
Jay: True.
Joe: You do it every year.
Jay: Look, you can give that kind of thing to your wife or your girlfriend. But it's a little bit different when it's your teacher, okay?
Joe: Fine. Can I go back to the quiet room now? I already missed half of my nap. You know how I get.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Oops. I seem to have dropped my spare hotel key.
Claire: Phil.
Phil: Shh. No need to call whoever this Phil is. You're in no danger. This key is to room 422 at the Ramada down the street. Slip out when you can. I'll pre-disable the smoke detectors so you don't set it off when you shimmy out of those sensible wide-leg trousers.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: For the past several Valentine's, we've adopted sexy alter egos Juliana, wild and spontaneous, and Clive, passionate collector of beautiful women and antique sailing maps.

Quote from Sal

Sal: Werner is great. You know, he's a rich musician, tours a lot, no strings.
Mitchell: Well, um... [Mitchell and Cameron yawn] This has been fun, but we should, uh...
Sal: You're not going anywhere, Carrot Bottom.

Quote from Sal

Sal: Finally. I was beginning to think she was weaker than Mitchell's jawline. Everyone knows why you grew that thing.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Okay, this coming from the woman who who won't admit that she's upset that her boyfriend abandoned her on Valentine's Day.
Cameron: Oh, and didn't you just get back from learning how to plant corn with the Indians?
Mitchell: Because you look, to us, like an early settler.
Cameron: Settler.
Both: We're saying that you settle.
Sal: You practice this at home, don't you?
Both: We do not.

Quote from Haley

Haley: What are you guys doing here? Need a sailor to cross off number four on that Valentine's Day list of yours? Was that mean? I've been around Sal, I've lost my filter.

Quote from Cameron

Sal: Werner's precious Tony Award. He keeps in at sea as the ultimate aphrodisiac.
Mitchell: For women?
Sal: Auf Wiedersehen, Award for Best Orchestration.
Mitchell: Oh, my God.
Cameron: No. Sal, Sal. No.
Mitchell: Haley, help.
Cameron: I will not tell your gay son that you threw a Tony into the ocean.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Ben, why do you have this photo of me in your desk drawer?
Ben: I think someone's pranking me, probably.
Alex: I'm gonna go.
Ben: Okay. Wait, look. I sent the flowers, okay? When you temped here last summer, I became tempted [chuckles] by your charms.
Alex: Well, thank you, but aren't you like 40?
Ben: What? I'm 26. I I had a SweeTAR addiction when I was a kid and I permanently damaged my collagen.
Alex: Wow. I've been in a series of bizarre, shame-filled relationships. You work for my mother. You still live at home. Look at all those medications. Kiss me.
Ben: What? Whoa. Okay, that was very cool, but you should know that I have dedicated my life to closets, I am obsessed with your grandfather, and I sleep with a body pillow that I put a nightgown on.
Alex: Stop, you're making it better.

Quote from Joe

Jay: What'd I miss?
Joe: This overpaid bum missed a putt.
Jay: I'm supposed to not like this.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Hi, honey. I'm sorry I'm late. We had a whole incident [kiss] at the warehouse, a paint mixer blew up. Luckily I had these overalls in my office I could- Oh, you're mad, aren't you?
Phil: Mad? [chuckles] I mean, was this the best Valentine's Day we've ever had? No. Was it the worst? Yes. I gave you a great gift. I tried to surprise you at the office. You repaid the effort by making a reservation at a truck stop and dressing up like Tom Sawyer. But hey, maybe this happens to everyone, Claire. Romance fizzles. Magic dies. At least we can mark the exact time it happened to us, thanks to my new watch, which only a switchboard operator from the 1950s could keep wound.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: That was Joe's school. He's in trouble. We need to go meet with the teacher.
Jay: What the hell did he do?
Gloria: He robbed a bank and took 18 hostages. How would I know? Let's go.

Quote from Jay

Jay: He overthinks everything. If you have a shot at the bad girl, jump.
Manny: I don't know. She has a stepdad who only pays attention to her hot older sister.
Jay: I will dial the phone for you.

Quote from Jay

Manny: [sighs] It's a no-go. Alexa wanted to use the hot tub tonight, but apparently can't find her bathing suit.
Jay: If you don't come home smelling of light beer and chlorine, do not come home at all.

Quote from Claire

Ben: Knock, knock. Happy Valentine's Day or, as I call it, "the best night to go to the grocery store."
Claire: And here is your Valentine's gift. I wrapped it myself in the office, and then, like a dingdong, I left it there, so...
Phil: Whoa, sparkly.
Claire: Just like you.
Phil: That's why I picked the wrapping.
Ben: She sure did.

Quote from Phil

Phil: And your mother's not unromantic. She's just been busy with work lately.
Alex: Well, you've been married for like 25 years.
Phil: What's that supposed to mean?
Alex: You guys are overdue for the romance to fizzle out a little bit.
Phil: Oh, well, it's nice to know that some dime-store posies from an unnamed stalker have made you an expert on matters of the heart. It so happens that your mother is still very romantic, which I will prove with a surprise visit to her office this afternoon. [thud]
Alex: Let me guess you built this inside and didn't measure the door?
Phil: Card was right. You don't know your own power to be mean.

Quote from Haley

Haley: So, what's with this whole "going out early" thing.
Cameron: Well, it's been forever since we've had a date-night out, and so we made a little list of the six things that we love to do, but never get to do.
Haley: [cellphone chimes] Ugh, pathetic.
Mitchell: Okay, we get to say that, not you.
Haley: No, no, no, it's Dylan. He texts me every Valentine's Day begging to hook up.
Cameron: Oh, that is sad.
Haley: I know. It almost never works.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Hey, so what about our plans?
Mitchell: Look, you know Sal. She's not gonna leave until we agree to this. So, look, we'll just get the two of them drinking. They won't even notice when we slip away and, you know, get back to our list.
Cameron: That's a good plan.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: You know what? I didn't even want to do number one anyway. It makes me feel dirty and ashamed.
Mitchell: Okay, well, bye-bye, Cheesecake Factory.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Clive, I love this id-
Phil: Shh. Save that energy, my dear. This hotel has a very short memory and a very long outdoor staircase.
Ben: Claire, you have to finish signing these contracts. Hey, Phil.
Phil: [chuckles] Phil? No. Name's Clive, friend. Say, maybe you could take over here for a bit. [clears throat] I'll make sure the boss lady's back in one piece no later than... [check watch] Oh, come on.
Margaret: Hi, Phil.
Ben: It's Clive, actually. Apparently they have a thing like how you and your sister go to those conventions dressed like stuffed animals.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Do I know that guy in the cloak?
Claire: Ah, hinge specialist. You might've seen him around. He's the guy for offbeat swivels and rare-beveled hook joints.
Phil: I find everything you just said very titila-
Claire: Shh.
Phil: [gasps]

Quote from Mitchell

Haley: We need to leave.
Mitchell: No, you got to go confront him.
Haley: I'm upset. I've had a couple drinks.
Mitchell: Okay. So, what's it like touring the world with other Canadian acrobats?
Haley: What?
Cameron: We just assumed you were a member of Cirque du Soleil.
Mitchell: Yup, because you're bending over backwards to avoid standing up for yourself.
Cameron: And setting a good example [together] for other women.
Haley: You both were thinking that?
Both: Mm-hmm.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [answering phone] It's Lily. Hey, honey. Is everything okay? [to Cameron] Jagger was very hurt by our speech. She didn't answer his texts 'cause we told her not to.
Cameron: Good.
Mitchell: He ran away.
Cameron: He did?
Mitchell: People are forming a human chain to search for him in the woods. Okay, honey, well, we'll be home soon, all right?
Cameron: Do you think we have some responsibility in this Jagger situation?
Mitchell: Ah... No. No. They they chose to build near the woods.

Quote from Mitchell

Rainer Shine: You guys, where's Haley?
Mitchell: Um, she is on a boat in the marina, putting you in her rearview mirror. Boats have those, don't they?
Cameron: I think so.

Quote from Mitchell

Rainer Shine: You guys, I was only letting that woman think we were on a date because she runs a celebrity site that buys photos from paparazzi, okay? I was trying to get one of me back because Haley is in it and this is the photo.
Mitchell: No. God, no.
Cameron: Oh, my gosh. Bedhead, sneeze face, and UGG slippers?
Rainer Shine: And now Haley's not answering my calls and somehow I'm supposed to smile through a weather report in 15 minutes? Pull yourself together, Rainer. You're a weatherman. [exits]
Cameron: Do you think our advice-
Mitchell: Sucked? Yes. Yes. We need to get to that boat before Haley hooks up with Dylan.
Cameron: She wouldn't do something that stupid.
Mitchell: Did you see the UGGs?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Is that Bailey? 'Cause I think Joe has a little thing for her.
Gloria: Yeah, he did have a little thing for her. It's here. He did it again. I knew I shouldn't have trusted you talking to him, because you will let him get away with murder because he's a mini you and you like it. And you know what's worse? That you're so mean to Manny because he's different than you.
Jay: First off, Joe is not a mini me.
Joe: Crap. Crapola. Crapinski.
Jay: Well, maybe a little, and maybe I kind of like it. But why would you want to knock the Jay out of Joe? Instead of one trophy, you get two.

Quote from Sal

Sal: Cameron, Mitchell, what a pleasant surprise.
Mitchell: Sal, you okay? You seem not yourself.
Cameron: Yeah, I feel like you used to blink.
Sal: I took your advice. Called Werner. Told him I wasn't going to settle.
Mitchell: How did that- [glass shatters] How how did that go?
Sal: He was thinking that we might be something special, and then I gave him the ultimatum, and he said, "Maybe we're not actually meant to be."
Mitchell: I don't know what's happening. S-Sal, w-what are you doing? Straightening up.
Sal: You know, a place for everything-
Mitchell: No.
Sal: Everything in its place.
Haley: Hey, what about this?
Sal: This was actually salvaged from the Bismarck. [kicks it into the sea]

Quote from Cameron

Sal: Give it to me!
Cameron: No!
Sal: Aah! [water splashes]
Mitchell: Oh, my God. Did she fall in?
Cameron: [holding the Tony award] No. I've got her right here.

Quote from Sal

Sal: That cold water woke me up to the hard truth I'm smart, I'm beautiful, I'm legendary in bed,
Cameron: Okay.
Sal: Yet I do settle. I mean, Werner is not good enough for me. I mean, I get why you two idiots settled. This is the best you're gonna do, right here. You're perfectly matched.
Both: Aww.
Cameron: Well, it's kind of sweet when you look at it that way.
Mitchell: Yeah. We are very lucky.
Cameron: Happy Valentine's Day.
Mitchell: Yeah, happy Valentine's Day.
Sal: Shut up. Read a room, poofs.

Quote from Phil

Waitress: So, just yourself?
Phil: Uh, no, I'll be meeting my wife tonight.
Waitress: [laughs] That's the spirit.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Well, call me an idiot, Jay. Sure enough, Alexa and I did end up in a hot tub together. But around her third beer, I suggested she have some water to stay hydrated. She tried to shut me up by kissing me, which I liked, but she kept calling me Travis.
Joe: Oh, my God! Is it still talking?!
Jay: Joe, you don't ever disrespect your brother like that. And no more giving underwear to little girls, or anyone else, 'cause it's creepy and European. Now go to your room.

Quote from Claire

Claire: You mean this watch?
Phil: The Houdini handcuffs.
Claire: I've been taking magic lessons as a Valentine's surprise.
Phil: Wait a minute. The supposed hinge salesman at your office.
Claire: The Great Majesto.
Phil: Of course. I didn't recognize him without his floor-length robe covered in question marks.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Honey, you gave me a V.D. I will carry with me always.
Claire: Let's say "Valentine's Day."
Phil: You know, I never thought you'd beat my gift, but you did. Oh, honey. I'm beginning to think that mine was a swing and a miss.
Claire: Hardly. Yours was fantastic. But how about a swing with a miss?
Phil: You are killing it today!
Claire: I know!
Phil: Did you cover that again?
Claire: I didn't. That's weird. [gasps]
Phil: What the hell?
The Great Majesto: I transported it to the porch. You're welcome.
Claire: I didn't ask him to do that. Or tell him where we live.


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