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Do You Believe In Magic

‘Do You Believe In Magic’

Season 8, Episode 12 -  Aired February 8, 2017

Phil worries that the romance between him and Claire is fizzling out, so he calls upon his alter ego, Clive Bixby. Gloria is unhappy that Jay seems proud of Joe's inappropriate Valentine's Day gift-giving. Cameron and Mitchell try to support the women in their lives to stand up for themselves, but their advice to Lily, Haley and Sal just lands them in trouble.

Quote from Sal

Sal: Fausta here can babysit Sammy and General Tsour over there. Sammy, tell your guncles hello like I taught you.
Sammy: Enchante.
Mitchell: What am I looking at here?
Sal: I'm raising him gay. Tell Uncle Mitchell what you think about those pants.
Sammy: Tragic.
Sal: Oh, it's sticking! [laughs]


Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I've got a crazy-good poker face, but I didn't love the watch. I'd been dropping these big hints about a pair of genuine Houdini handcuffs on sale at a local magic shop. They're from his famous Coffin of Cobras Escape of 1923. The trick was so shocking that women went into spontaneous labor and the men paired off in violent fighting.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay, this is not funny. I come from a very long line of overly sexy men. My cousin Ricardo, he had a sex addition.
Jay: You mean "addiction."
Gloria: Uh, yeah, sorry. He built an addiction onto his house for making love to his many girlfriends.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] It's fun when your kids get your best qualities, but it's a kick in the gut when they pick up stuff you hate about yourself. I saw that ugly, impatient part of me coming out of my adorable son. In fairness, that adorable part also came from me. We both got my mom's crab-apple cheeks and pillow lips.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Oops. I seem to have dropped my spare hotel key.
Claire: Phil.
Phil: Shh. No need to call whoever this Phil is. You're in no danger. This key is to room 422 at the Ramada down the street. Slip out when you can. I'll pre-disable the smoke detectors so you don't set it off when you shimmy out of those sensible wide-leg trousers.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: For the past several Valentine's, we've adopted sexy alter egos Juliana, wild and spontaneous, and Clive, passionate collector of beautiful women and antique sailing maps.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Crap. Crap. Crappacino. Charlie Craplin.
Gloria: In Colombia, when the old man starts yelling at the mail, we put them on a sandbar and wait for the tide to come in.

Quote from Phil

Alex: What happened to your arm?
Phil: Oh, I am winding an old watch that your mother gave me for Valentine's Day.
Alex: Oh. That's pretty uneven. You gave her this awesome swing. Man, where did Mom find a guy as sweet as you?
Phil: Actually, she hit me with her car when I was break-dancing in a KFC parking lot.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Well, Delgado's got a doozy of a Valentine's dilemma. I texted out feelers for two dates. Vicky Noh is top choice, but Alexa Potts has been doing this bad-girl thing lately I'm into. So, while I wait for a yes from Noh, I've got to keep Potts on the back burner.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Happy - Valentine's Day, my love!
Claire: [gasps] Oh, thank you. I love this. What is it?
Phil: It's the actual porch swing where we had our first kiss.
Claire: No.
Phil: Check it out. The carvings are still on the back from 25 years ago.
Claire: Oh, my gosh. "Phil hearts Claire." Oh, honey, this is gonna look so great out on our porch. I can't believe you did this. Wow.
Phil: It was nothing. I made a few calls, drove half a day, had Campari and haggled with a handsy gay landlord, took the swing apart, loaded it in a van, ran out of gas in the desert, got harassed by a shady state trooper, and drove back with a blinding migraine. But easy-peasy.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Wow. Those are nice.
Alex: Yeah, they were on the front porch. They're from a mystery admirer. The card says, "You don't know your power."
Phil: Oh, that's my bad. I was power-washing the flagstones in my old cheer shorts.

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