Claire: Oh, you always do this. You cram stuff in the freezer without thinking about it. I opened the door, and a frozen turkey almost fell on my foot.
Phil: I keep pulling it to the left. Are we sure the house is level?
Claire: Are you not the least bit sorry? I could have broken a toe.
Phil: Honey, I'm sorry for dozens of things every day that actually happen. If I start apologizing for things that don't happen, how productive of a person would I be?

Gloria: No, it's not just me. Three mothers are giving the party, and we need all our names in the card: Gloria Pritchett, Sara Leonard, Dee Cho. What do you mean that there's no more room? Dee Cho must go on.
Alex: Okay, come on. That one had to be on purpose.

Pepper: Don't listen to him. He's "Cat's in the Cradling" you.
Mitchell: What?
Pepper: He's playing on your emotions so you lose your edge. I do it to my son all the time.
Jay: Did he say "son"?
Pepper: Yes. He's a Navy S.E.A.L. Oh, I've said too much.
Phil: What's "Cats in the cradle"?
Pepper: You know, that song about the dad who misses all the important moments in his kid's life? Stay strong, just like Kyle did in Yemen. Oh, my God, I'm a sieve.

Jay: What the hell?
Pepper: Hello, boys.
Phil: What a sweet ride, Pepper.
Jay: What are you guys doing here?
Mitchell: I've been golfing for a few weeks. Pepper's been teaching me.
Pepper: I grew up golfing with my father, the great Chaim Saltzman. Or as he was known around the clubhouse, Chad Treadwell.

Jay: [aside to camera] I decided to go gentle with Phil, which didn't come easy to me, because I've always been a bit of a drill sergeant when it comes to sports. And with the new baby, Gloria's been buggin' me to have more patience. But come on. He's been alive a month. How hard is it to support your own head?

Pepper: Ohh! I was the same way with my father. It's always complicated.
Phil: Not for mine. My dad was just supportive. Never missed a tumbling meet or a break-dance brawl. Heck, I'd set up the sound system for our school assembly, he'd be the loudest voice in the crowd. "Hey, everybody! Check out my son's equipment!"

Phil: [aside to camera] I'm not the strongest golfer, and I think it's holding me back in business. Too bad deals aren't closed in a trampoline park. I'd just lazy-back into a Rudolph into a quadriffus right up the corporate ladder.

Luke: Hey, dad, you coming to my play tonight?
Alex: "Your" play? You only painted the sets.
Luke: Yeah, and Michelangelo "only" painted the sixteenth chapel.
Alex: Maybe don't keep your face so close to the paint cans.

Phil: Thanks so much for the quick lesson, Jay. Just think of me as a blob of Clay, waiting for your experienced hands to caress and coax me-
Jay: First rule of golf: shh.

Gloria: Ay, thank you so much for taking care of the baby. Cam has me running all kinds of errands for the play.
Claire: Yeah, well, you gotta keep your eye on the caller I.D.
Gloria: I have to go to the dry cleaners to pick up the costumes.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Gloria: Then I have to go get the dry ice for the fog machine.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Gloria: And maybe I'll go get Cam some flowers.
Claire: Oh, Alex can help you with all that.
Gloria: Oh, perfect. Okay, let's go. We can't be late, or there won't be any dry ice in the house.
Alex: [laughs] Good one.
Gloria: What?