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49Quotes from ‘A Slight at the Opera’

Modern Family: A Slight at the Opera

414. A Slight at the Opera

Aired February 6, 2013

When the lead actor in Cameron's school production of "Phantom of the Opera" is taken ill, Manny is desperate to replace him. Phil joins Jay on the golf course, where they compete against Mitchell and Pepper. Meanwhile, Alex can barely contain her skepticism when Gloria takes her to a psychic, and Claire gets distracted as she looks after Lily and baby Joe.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Oh, you always do this. You cram stuff in the freezer without thinking about it. I opened the door, and a frozen turkey almost fell on my foot.
Phil: I keep pulling it to the left. Are we sure the house is level?
Claire: Are you not the least bit sorry? I could have broken a toe.
Phil: Honey, I'm sorry for dozens of things every day that actually happen. If I start apologizing for things that don't happen, how productive of a person would I be?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: No, it's not just me. Three mothers are giving the party, and we need all our names in the card: Gloria Pritchett, Sara Leonard, Dee Cho. What do you mean that there's no more room? Dee Cho must go on.
Alex: Okay, come on. That one had to be on purpose.

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: Don't listen to him. He's "Cat's in the Cradling" you.
Mitchell: What?
Pepper: He's playing on your emotions so you lose your edge. I do it to my son all the time.
Jay: Did he say "son"?
Pepper: Yes. He's a Navy S.E.A.L. Oh, I've said too much.
Phil: What's "Cats in the cradle"?
Pepper: You know, that song about the dad who misses all the important moments in his kid's life? Stay strong, just like Kyle did in Yemen. Oh, my God, I'm a sieve.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I decided to go gentle with Phil, which didn't come easy to me, because I've always been a bit of a drill sergeant when it comes to sports. And with the new baby, Gloria's been buggin' me to have more patience. But come on. He's been alive a month. How hard is it to support your own head?

Quote from Pepper

Jay: What the hell?
Pepper: Hello, boys.
Phil: What a sweet ride, Pepper.
Jay: What are you guys doing here?
Mitchell: I've been golfing for a few weeks. Pepper's been teaching me.
Pepper: I grew up golfing with my father, the great Chaim Saltzman. Or as he was known around the clubhouse, Chad Treadwell.

Quote from Phil

Pepper: Ohh! I was the same way with my father. It's always complicated.
Phil: Not for mine. My dad was just supportive. Never missed a tumbling meet or a break-dance brawl. Heck, I'd set up the sound system for our school assembly, he'd be the loudest voice in the crowd. "Hey, everybody! Check out my son's equipment!"

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I'm not the strongest golfer, and I think it's holding me back in business. Too bad deals aren't closed in a trampoline park. I'd just lazy-back into a Rudolph into a quadriffus right up the corporate ladder.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Hey, dad, you coming to my play tonight?
Alex: "Your" play? You only painted the sets.
Luke: Yeah, and Michelangelo "only" painted the sixteenth chapel.
Alex: Maybe don't keep your face so close to the paint cans.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Thanks so much for the quick lesson, Jay. Just think of me as a blob of Clay, waiting for your experienced hands to caress and coax me-
Jay: First rule of golf: shh.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Ay, thank you so much for taking care of the baby. Cam has me running all kinds of errands for the play.
Claire: Yeah, well, you gotta keep your eye on the caller I.D.
Gloria: I have to go to the dry cleaners to pick up the costumes.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Gloria: Then I have to go get the dry ice for the fog machine.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Gloria: And maybe I'll go get Cam some flowers.
Claire: Oh, Alex can help you with all that.
Gloria: Oh, perfect. Okay, let's go. We can't be late, or there won't be any dry ice in the house.
Alex: [laughs] Good one.
Gloria: What?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, can I have everyone's attention, please? Reuben? Hit me with a spot. That's a little harsh. Throw a pink gel on that. That's great. Perfect. All right, I will be recording today's rehearsal, but don't let that make you self-conscious. I'm only using it to pinpoint your mistakes. Secondly, I have granted full set access to Maureen Schick, who will be reviewing your show tonight.
Manny: Oh-oh, she's vicious. Our last music teacher, Mr. Namagachi, never recovered from her article, "Anything blows."
Cameron: But in fairness, I saw that production, and the lead soprano was an absolute disaster. No offense, Sophie. You've blossomed since then, sweetie, okay? No batteries in her mic, okay?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Running into my dad was no accident. I wasn't the best athlete growing up, and my dad never missed an opportunity to point that out. "Nice throw, Nancy!" Nancy was our neighbor. I could never throw as well as she could. I'd pretty much given up on beating my dad at anything until Pepper dragged me to a golf course one day. Turns out I wasn't half bad. Six months' practice later, I was ready to kick my dad's ass. I knew just how I was gonna do it, too. I'd walk up to the tee all nervous, do a few clumsy practice swings, and then I'd hit that ball dead center, watch it arc through the sky, land on the green, and totally wow my dad.
[cut to Mitchell missing the ball completely:]
Jay: Wow.

Quote from Manny

Cameron: Well, Marcus is out. But luckily, I found an even better phantom right here.
Manny: I wouldn't say better, but since you did...
Cameron: Luke. I was just about to ask him.
Manny: Luke?
Cameron: He knows the show, he sings like a nightingale, and he has a certain theatrical madness in his eyes you cannot teach.
Manny: That's just from all the paint.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: [playing guitar and singing] Vermont is snowy Las Vegas is showy And those are the capitals I remember.

Quote from Alex

Alex: You maybe wanna take a shift carrying this dry ice?
Gloria: No, I just had a baby.
Alex: I've watched you carry Manny to bed.
Gloria: I know what we can do to kill time. My psychic is around the corner.
Alex: Please tell me you just said "sidekick."
Gloria: I used to think that I knew everything, too. We're going for a reading. I'll let her know that we're coming. [holding her fingers to her temple] Um...
Alex: You have got to be kidding me.
Gloria: I'm trying to remember the telephone number.

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: Did you hear that? And he wasn't just talking to Phil. He was talking to 10-year-old you and 12-year-old you and...
Mitchell: Suck it, Nancy!
Pepper: [gasps] I was just trying to help.

Quote from Alex

Gloria: I see that you're smiling. You're enjoying yourself.
Alex: I know it sounds crazy, but could you please tell me what happened to my bunny buttons, who ran away when I was 5?
[aside to camera:]
Alex: Never had a bunny. Hate bunnies.
[back:]
Psychic: I see a farm with a red barn.
Gloria: I know who's in the barn!
[aside to camera:]
Alex: It's like Scrabble with Haley. After a while, you're just playing against yourself.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Wait. Ice cream might ruin Lily's dinner.
Dylan: So?
Haley: So I spent all afternoon cooking.
Dylan: I thought ice cream would be fun.
Haley: All you've done today is have fun while I did all the work.
Dylan: I'm just trying to make the most of it with these kids. I don't have as much time with them as you do.
Haley: What, by spoiling them? Who's that? Who's texting you?
Dylan: It's just about work.
Haley: Typical. Even when you're here, you're not here.
Dylan: Why are you this upset about ice cream?
Haley: If that's what you think this is about, then you haven't heard a word I've said!
Dylan: I-I'm confused. Why do we even have these kids?
Haley: I don't know!
Dylan: I'm going home!
Haley: Good!

Quote from Pepper

[As Harry Chapin's "Cats in the Cradle plays":]
Mitchell: I should have golfed with you sooner, dad.
Jay: I never made the time.
Phil: Luke!
Pepper: I need to call my son. What time is it in Damascus? Ugh. Why don't I just draw them a map?

Quote from Jay

Gloria: If you're going to be a grump all day, why did you even say that you were going to teach him?
Jay: Because he's how my grandkids get food.

Quote from Manny

Cameron: And lastly, Marcus Talbot. Guys, he's feeling a little under the weather. Fear not. He's home resting his instrument, and he will be ready for the show tonight. But I will need a phantom for this rehearsal.
Manny: So, anyone I guess I could help.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: I don't know how Marcus ever got the lead. But I know how he got sick, from chewing all that scenery. This was my chance to earn it back from that insincere phony.
[back:]
Manny: But first, a silent prayer for our fallen Captain Marcus. Godspeed, old friend.

Quote from Dylan

Lily: This is boring. Is he dead?
Claire: No, he's not dead. He's just sleeping. Babies need to sleep a lot so they grow bigger and stronger and smarter.
Dylan: Hey, Mrs. D. Hey, Lucy.
Lily: Every time.

Quote from Dylan

Lily: Good, you woke him up.
Claire: Maybe he's hungry. I just fed him, but I don't think bottles can live up to the real thing.
Dylan: Maybe I can calm him down.
Claire: Oh, that's very sweet of you, but he's super fussy today. And when babies are fussy, they- They- Wow.
Dylan: Yeah, I'm good with babies.
Haley: You should see him play peek-a-boo. He's amazing.
Dylan: No. I'm good. I know a guy in Chicago, he's amazing.

Quote from Jay

Phil: Well, we should play together as a foursome.
Jay: First time that word's creeped me out, but okay.
Pepper: Care to make it interesting?
Jay: I think your pants have already done that. How 'bout a hundred bucks?

Quote from Luke

Doug: Why is it taking you so long? How hard is it to paint a wall?
Luke: A lot harder than your so-called singing. At least this is supposed to be flat.
Doug: I once saw a monkey paint a wall.
Luke: Yeah? Did you say, "Good job, mom"?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [on the phone] Mono? But he's my lead. My career depends upon this. The district is this close to cutting my funding. And my fingers are very close together right now.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Uh, Luke?
Manny: Stop it. Are you trying to spook him?
Cameron: What are you talking about?
Manny: He's already intimidated by you after you criticized his sets.
Cameron: Oh, please. I could not be the only person that found his unicorns distracting.
Manny: Let me talk to him first. If I can't get the job done, then you step in Kind of like the way an understudy would traditionally take over when the lead finds himself...
Cameron: Yeah. Just do it.

Quote from Luke

Manny: Hey there, Luke. Or should I say, phantom?
Luke: You wanna get to the point? 'Cause I'm kind of on a schedule, and this paint keeps making me fall down.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Marcus is out, and Cam wants you to take over.
Luke: Really? Well, I do know all the songs.
Manny: Stop trying to talk yourself out of it. You're doing it.
Luke: It's only for two nights.
Manny: You're doing it again, looking at the negatives. Look at the bright side. What if you don't screw up, humiliate yourself, and get mocked forever?
Luke: I'd get mocked?
Manny: Only by the cool kids. But who needs them? You're one of us now. The theater geeks.

Quote from Pepper

Mitchell: What is happening to me? All right, what are we three strokes down now?
Pepper: I think someone needs a Pepper talk. [slaps Mitchell across the face]
Mitchell: Aah! Ow! How is that a pepper talk?
Pepper: You need to get angry. Play aggressive. That man's been Mitch-slapping you your entire life.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Son of a bitch, you're a hopeless embarrassment. You're kickin' up more sand than a sea turtle layin' eggs.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Did you see that?!
Jay: Yeah, that wasn't half bad. Hey, listen, I'm sorry I yelled.
Phil: No, no, no. That's what I needed. My old tumbling master in college used to yell at me all the time. It just made me better.
Jay: Really?
Phil: Oh, yeah. He'd say terrible things about my manhood, he'd throw the chalk bag at me, he'd call me and taunt me over the summer to keep me sharp. So bring it, Jay!
Jay: You stink, Phil. You're the worst thing to happen to golf since they let people wear shorts. [Phil sobs] You just told me to-
Phil: [weeping] No, that's part of it.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Just listen with an open mind. She doesn't believe in psychics.
Alex: It's not just psychics. It's all unquantifiable phenomena.
Gloria: I'm going to save you some time. She doesn't have a boyfriend.

Quote from Alex

Psychic: You are going to meet someone special. I see a handsome man on a horse, like a knight.
Alex: Well, I am going to a renaissance fair this weekend.
Psychic: Yes, I know.
[aside to camera:]
Alex: There's no renaissance fair. Even if there was, I wouldn't go. I'd be the laughingstock of the young astronomer's club. But I couldn't tell Gloria her fortune-teller was a fake. Not until I had a little more fun.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, everyone, look sharp, please! The press is here! As I was saying, Maureen, I was really at an advantage having seen the Broadway production. I was able to learn from their mistakes. For example, in my production, the phantom appears in the first scene, because after all, it's not called "Christine and Raoul of the opera."
Maureen: I have two sources telling me your lead is home with chicken pox.
Cameron: Uh, mono.
Maureen: Make that three sources.
Cameron: Oh, damn, you're good. Um, permission to speak off the record?
Maureen: Denied.
Cameron: Okay, fine. Well, then see for yourself in just a moment. Tonight a star will be born.
Manny: Cam?
Cameron: Not now, Manny. I'm birthing something. Sometimes in the theater, the real drama happens before the curtain rises. Observe. Luke Dunphy, how would you like to play the starring role in Cameron Tucker's Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Phantom of the Opera"?

Quote from Cameron

Maureen: Luke Dunphy, is it true you passed because of creative differences with an overbearing director?
Cameron: Say nothing to that jackal!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, well, I guess we only have one option.
Manny: I'll do it.
Cameron: Hmm?
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I was gonna say play the role myself, but, you know, I guess it really should be about the kids.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] I wanted to tell Haley about the dangers of starting a family too early, but what could I say that couldn't be said better by a screaming baby?

Quote from Pepper

Mitchell: One stroke down on the final hole. It's such a big putt. Such a big, big putt.
Pepper: I like big putts, and I cannot lie.
Phil: Money.

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: A hundred bucks! Oh, we did it! Now I can afford the shirt that matches these pants.

Quote from Pepper

Jay: Hey, I was serious about we should play again sometime. It's a crazy thing that if I'd been less of a hard head when you were a kid, we could have had 20 years in this dumb game.
Mitchell: No, it was half my fault. I mean, I-I used to be pretty sensitive. So y-you really weren't "Cat's in the Cradling" me back there?
Jay: Of course not.
Phil: How have I not heard of this song you keep talking about?
Jay: You have. It's the worst.
Phil: It's the schmaltziest.
Pepper: Unbearable. I'll play it on the way back. I have it on my iPod phone.

Quote from Phil

Carl: Ready to play, Phil?
Phil: I can't, Carl! My boy's sets are in a play!

Quote from Alex

Psychic: I get the feeling that something wonderful has happened to someone you know.
Gloria: Yes, it's Manny. He got the lead role in the school play.
Psychic: Yes, that's it.
Alex: Okay, I think you might have met her halfway on that one.

Quote from Gloria

Psychic: Do you feel that? A presence has just entered the room.
Alex: Or the A.C. kicked in. Gloria, I have to say something.
Psychic: It's your abuela.
Gloria: [gasps] Which one? Is she smoking a pipe, or is she smoking a cigar?
Psychic: A cigar.
Gloria: My mother's mother. I miss her so much.
Psychic: She says she misses you, too.
Gloria: I wish that she was here now to see Fulgencio Joe.
Psychic: She has seen him, and she says he is beautiful.
Gloria: He is, isn't he? Ay. Tell her that I love her.
Psychic: She knows.
Gloria: Thank you so much for that. [to Alex] You see now?
Alex: I think I do.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, Manny, quick question. Did you forget the notes I gave you or just choose to ignore them? Where are you going with that?
Debbie: We need an extra one up front. Mr. Namagachi decided to come.
Cameron: Oh, you mean the disgraced teacher I replaced suddenly has an interest in this production?
Debbie: He's parking his Peugeot right now.
Cameron: Wow, the vultures are officially circling.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] He was glorious. Every note, every nuance I was transported, and I was furious. But my quarrel wasn't with Luke. It was with God.

Quote from Frank

Claire: Save a seat for your sister.
Frank: Excuse me. I think that's my seat.
Phil: Dad! What are you doing here?
Frank: Are you kiddin' me? My grandson paints the sets for a play, and I'm not gonna drive in from Florida, hmm?

Quote from Manny

Girl: That could have been you out there.
Manny: No, it wouldn't have been right.
Girl: I'm sure you would've gotten some of it right.
Manny: Not what I meant.

Quote from Phil

Carl: Hey, thanks for meeting me here.
Phil: No reason we can't mix business with a little pleasure. Am I right?
Carl: I'm just excited to find someone who enjoys this sport as much as I do.
Phil: Well, I'm gonna be straight with you, Carl. You got a ton of inventory to move, and you're in need of a serious realtor. [Phil and Carl jump up on the trampoline] Hup hup!
Carl: So how firm are you on your commission?
Phil: As I think you can see, I'm quite flexible.
Carl: I'll be honest, Phil, I like you. I think I'm ready to move forward with this.
Phil: Really? Well, I'm thrilled. Hey, you know, we could make this official.
Frank: Nice form, son! I'm talking about that contract, of course.
Phil: You still got it, dad. That's my dad.


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