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42Quotes from ‘Door to Door’

Modern Family: Door to Door

304. Door to Door

Aired October 5, 2011

When Claire decides to petition town council to add a stop sign at an intersection, she asks her family to go door-to-door collecting signatures. Meanwhile, Jay gives Manny advice on being a salesman, Phil and Luke attempt to create a viral video, and Gloria loses Stella.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] Jay is always telling me to "Write this down." I don't always catch everything he says. "Something, something, firm handshake." "Never take the first room they show you." Not sure who "they" is. And this one just says "Pancakes."

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: Ay, Cam, thank you for helping me.
Cameron: Oh, it's my pleasure. [calling] Stella! Stella! Oh, my god.
Gloria: What? Do you see her?
Cameron: No. But I see myself in the role I was born to play. [shouting] Stella! Stella! [answering phone] Hello? Oh, Mitchell, you are not gonna believe this. I'm out helping Gloria look for her dog. I'm wearing an undershirt and I'm screaming "Stella," just like in "Streetcar."
Mitchell: You didn't clean the kitchen.
Cameron: Mitchell, I am an inadvertent Stanley Kowalski. How can you not be delighted by this?

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I've always said that if my son thinks of me as one of his idiot friends, then I've succeeded as a dad. If he wants to go the wrong way on the escalator, I'm on board. If he wants to go into a restaurant and pretend we're Australian, then "G'day mate, toss a few shrimps on the barbie for me and my Joey. Yeah? Right? Nicole Kidman? Men at Work?"

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay. Huddle up, everybody. Your mother's right. She's the quarterback of this family, and we need to protect her like Blind Side did.
Luke: She just said the mom was Blind Side.
Phil: Well, she's confused. Blind Side was the black kid who played tight end.
Alex: Offensive line.
Phil: Sorry. African-American kid.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] For the record, I am not a neat freak. I-in fact, in my first long-term relationship, I was the messy one, which is why she broke up with me. Well...

Quote from Manny

Manny: Hello, ma'am. Do you love Christmas?
Neighbor: Actually, I'm Jewish.
Manny: Oh, well, then you must appreciate a good value.
Jay: Oh, jeez.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Focus, people.
Gloria: Manny, we will buy all your wrapping paper.
Jay: No. No, we won't. No, he's got to learn to sell. This is the best business training there is. Hell, the best life training. Manny, write this down. "A good salesman goes after Moby Dick in a rowboat and brings the tartar sauce with him."

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Gloria, how many times do I have to tell you to pull your car all the way in? The gate was open all night.
Gloria: We live in a nice neighborhood. What are you afraid of? That some money's gonna fly in and then your gardener is gonna have to rake it up?

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Jay, I'm going to need you to cut me a check.
Jay: What now?
Manny: Drama club trip. "Les Miserables." We're selling wrapping paper to raise money for the tickets.
Jay: No, no. Wait, wait. Slow down. What's the story exactly?
Manny: Well, Jean Valjean spent 19 years in prison for stealing a loaf of bread-
Jay: The wrapping paper.
Gloria: Nineteen years for a loaf of bread? How good was this bread?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam, what's this scribble on the "Vanity Fair" about an adoption agency?
Cameron: Oh, uh, yeah, they called to say they wanted to reschedule our home visit.
Mitchell: When? Why didn't you tell me? Th-this is kind of important.
Cameron: Well, when does it say?
Mitchell: Uh, well, who knows? It disappears into Jennifer Aniston's hair. You gotta get a better system.
Cameron: There is nothing wrong with my system. Ask me anything about any upcoming event. I can tell you when and where it is.
Mitchell: When is the adoption agency visit?
Cameron: Okay. Is that a "5" or a curl? Oh, I hope Jen's finally found love.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Just say what's on your mind.
Mitchell: You never clean up. [Cameron gasps] Save the gasp. Cam, whenever you get creative in the kitchen, I'm the one who ends up cleaning it up, okay? The homemade pizza, fondue, molecular gastronomy. I'm still cleaning shrimp foam out of the curtains.
Cameron: Okay, you know, Mitchell? Just go to work, okay? I'm gonna take Lily to school, and then when I get home, I'm gonna scrub this place like a crime scene, which it is, because you've murdered joy.

Quote from Phil

Claire: You know that really dangerous intersection?
Phil: Where desire meets jealousy, and the result is murder?
Claire: The one where I almost killed you this morning.
Phil: Oh, yeah. Sorry. That was my bad. I got lost in my jams. Dangerous comb: speed walking and Speedwagon. Oh. I wasn't even trying for that.
Luke: Nice.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What are you selling?
Manny: Wrapping paper.
Jay: Wrong. You're selling Christmas. The excitement of opening presents, the taste of eggnog.
Manny: I do love eggnog.
Jay: Look, write this down. "What's the difference between 'try' and 'triumph'?"
Manny: A little oomph?
Jay: A little oomph. Get it?
Manny: Of course I get it. I just said it.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Jay, can we stop now? I'm getting hungry.
Jay: You know what the problem is? You're not hungry.
Manny: I had a carrot at 3:00.
Jay: What if you couldn't feed your family unless you made this next sale? What if you were gonna lose your house?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I know I was pushing the kid hard, but here's the thing, I'm an older dad. I'm not gonna be around forever. And I'll sleep better knowing he's got something to fall back on.

Quote from Manny

Jay: You know, I-I actually need some wrapping paper. You know where I can find some?
Manny: You don't have to do that.
Jay: I want to do it.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: You'll never go broke playing to a rich guy's ego. Write that down.

Quote from Phil

Duane: Okay, thank you very much. We will, uh, take these under advisement. Just leave 'em here, and thank you-
Phil: Wait a minute. I know what that means.
Duane: Oh, here we go.
Phil: That's Washington-speak for "Get lost."
Claire: Well, um, wow, Phil. What are you doing here?
Phil: I'm your husband. I'm blindsiding you.

Quote from Claire

Alex: So then what happened?
Haley: Well, she didn't show up at school the next day, and I heard that she slept over at his dorm.
Alex: No way!
Haley: Mm-hmm. Seriously? Are you surprised? Do you not know Carly? Have you seen what she wears at school?
Claire: Girls, llLet's cool it on the gossip, okay? It's not right. I mean, Carly's got enough problems.
Alex: What do you mean?
Claire: Well, her mom can't get through soccer practice without a thermos of chardonnay and don't get me started on the dad.

Quote from Claire

Claire: This is such a dangerous intersection!
Haley: Did I get lipstick on my face?
Alex: No, you're fine. And consider yourself lucky you didn't just get, like, felt up by your mom.
Claire: They need to get a stop sign.
Alex: What is your obsession with traffic?
Claire: It's an obsession with safety.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: What happened here?
Cameron: Well, Lily and I woke up in a french mood, so we decided to whip up some crepes.
Mitchell: When are you gonna be in the mood to wipe up some crepes?

Quote from Luke

Luke: We need to do it again.
Phil: Oh, I would, buddy, but, uh, your mom's all over me to change a bunch of lightbulbs.
Luke: How many moms does it take to screw on a lightbulb?
Phil: I don't know.
Luke: None, 'cause they get you to do it, sucker.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I laughed, but it hurt a little.

Quote from Phil

Haley: [aside to camera] We love when mom gets on a project.
Alex: Because usually the minute any of us walks in the door, she gives us something to do.
Haley: "Do your homework. Clean your room."
Luke: "Put on pants."
Phil: Like the queen's coming over. Am I right? So when she's not around or gets busy, Luke and I capitalize on the situation.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Haley?
Haley: I need to get started on my college essay. You know what? Maybe I'll write it about you. You're just so inspirational. Girl power! You rock.
Claire: Thanks, honey. I do rock.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Hey there, Mr. Salesman.
Manny: Can we not talk about business?
Jay: That bad, huh?
Manny: I gave it everything I got. Working the dimples, going big eyes. It got me two things: diddly and squat.
Jay: How many houses you hit?
Manny: I don't know. Must've been at least three.
Jay: Three? And that's your idea of the best you got?
Manny: It was very hard on me. I'm not used to rejection. Or hills.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Hey! I'm gonna kill you when I find you, silly dog! Why don't you come back? Stella!
Cameron: I have a theory.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Where are you, dumb dog? I hope in a big, black hole.

Quote from Luke

Luke: You know, my arm's starting to hurt a little.
Phil: Really? 'Cause my face feels great.
Luke: Come on, dad. Let's not turn on each other. We could be here a while.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hi. Uh, Jay Pritchett here. Holidays are just around the corner.
Guy: I'm sorry. I don't believe in wrapping paper.
Jay: What do you mean you don't believe in wrapping paper? It's not Bigfoot. It exists.
Guy: It's not eco-friendly. It's wasteful.
Jay: No, not this stuff. This paper was made from 100% recycled materials.
Manny: I don't think so.

Quote from Gloria

Elderly Man: I can't understand what you're saying.
Gloria: She's an ugly little fresh bulldog with the tiny ears and the smushy face. What is so hard to understand?
Cameron: Maybe I should translate.

Quote from Claire

Disturbed Man: I really don't like people coming to my door unannounced while I'm working on my carving.
Claire: I understand, but a stop sign is really important. [off his look] What exactly are you carving?

Quote from Phil

Luke: See? You're not keeping your head in the right position.
Phil: I know that's me, but I'm not remembering any of this.

Quote from Claire

Claire: I have been out there, trying to do something good for our community, because let me tell you, change doesn't just happen. It is forged by empowered women like me and Norma Rae and the lady from "The Blind Side." Do you know what the difference is between me and her? Blind Side's family had her back.

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: Ay, thank god you found my dog. Thank you.
Girl: This is my dog. Her name's Pinky.
Gloria: No, it's not. Her name is Stella. It says right here on the tag.
Cameron: Look. Uh, uh, uh, excuse me. Hi, sweetie. What's your name?
Girl: Blanche.
Cameron: Shut up. Mitchell would die.

Quote from Manny

Jay: What the hell sound is that?
Manny: Coyotes must've got a cat.

Quote from Jay

Manny: I don't have what it takes.
Jay: What kind of talk is that?
Manny: It's the truth, Jay. I'm not a great salesman. I'm not a great businessman. I'm not you. Do you know what it's like to see all the amazing things you've accomplished, knowing I never will? How am I supposed to live up to you? How is anyone?
Jay: Ah, so the fish weren't biting today. So what? That's life. You tried hard, and that's what matters.

Quote from Claire

Duane: Do you have your 50 signatures?
Claire: Uh, almost. I have 34, but I-
Duane: Oh. That's the same thing.
Claire: Wow. I'm confused.
Duane: It's not the same thing.
Claire: No. No.
Duane: 34 is not the same thing as 50, just like a cake is not the same thing as an ice cream cake.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Your honor, permission to approach.
Claire: Not a judge.
Duane: I'll allow it.
Phil: I'll get straight to the point because this is important, and that appears to be an ice cream cake.
Duane: Well, it's not!
Phil: Okay. I present to you "Stop in the Name of Life." Kick it.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Clive Bixby. Can I meet you at Harry's bar in two minutes? Baby, I can do anything in two minutes. I'll just speed through the intersection of Greenleaf and Bristol. It's easy 'cause there's no stop sign.
Luke: I love being a kid. I have my whole life ahead of me.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Allow me. Ladies and gentlemen, I've lived with this woman for 20 years.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Phil: If she wants a stop sign. There's gonna be a stop sign.
Alex: Mm-hmm.
Haley: He's right.
Luke: Listen to the man.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, now that is gratuitous. That's Lily's favorite cereal.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Oh, okay. That- That is enough! No! You've proven your point. I don't like to clean up. It's smelly, it's sticky, and after I eat, I'm tired, and I just want to lay down.
Mitchell: And you put it off, knowing that I would do it?
Cameron: Yes! Are you happy?
Mitchell: Yes. I. Am.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Hey, dad. Think fast.
Phil: Sacagawea!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Wait, wait, wait I need a break. Oh! John Philip Sousa!


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