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‘Door to Door’ Quotes

Modern Family: Door to Door

304. Door to Door

Aired October 5, 2011

When Claire decides to petition town council to add a stop sign at an intersection, she asks her family to go door-to-door collecting signatures. Meanwhile, Jay gives Manny advice on being a salesman, Phil and Luke attempt to create a viral video, and Gloria loses Stella.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] Jay is always telling me to "Write this down." I don't always catch everything he says. "Something, something, firm handshake." "Never take the first room they show you." Not sure who "they" is. And this one just says "Pancakes."

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Quote from Cameron

Gloria: Ay, Cam, thank you for helping me.
Cameron: Oh, it's my pleasure. [calling] Stella! Stella! Oh, my god.
Gloria: What? Do you see her?
Cameron: No. But I see myself in the role I was born to play. [shouting] Stella! Stella! [answering phone] Hello? Oh, Mitchell, you are not gonna believe this. I'm out helping Gloria look for her dog. I'm wearing an undershirt and I'm screaming "Stella," just like in "Streetcar."
Mitchell: You didn't clean the kitchen.
Cameron: Mitchell, I am an inadvertent Stanley Kowalski. How can you not be delighted by this?

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I've always said that if my son thinks of me as one of his idiot friends, then I've succeeded as a dad. If he wants to go the wrong way on the escalator, I'm on board. If he wants to go into a restaurant and pretend we're Australian, then "G'day mate, toss a few shrimps on the barbie for me and my Joey. Yeah? Right? Nicole Kidman? Men at Work?"

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay. Huddle up, everybody. Your mother's right. She's the quarterback of this family, and we need to protect her like Blind Side did.
Luke: She just said the mom was Blind Side.
Phil: Well, she's confused. Blind Side was the black kid who played tight end.
Alex: Offensive line.
Phil: Sorry. African-American kid.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] For the record, I am not a neat freak. I-in fact, in my first long-term relationship, I was the messy one, which is why she broke up with me. Well...

Quote from Manny

Manny: Hello, ma'am. Do you love Christmas?
Neighbor: Actually, I'm Jewish.
Manny: Oh, well, then you must appreciate a good value.
Jay: Oh, jeez.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Focus, people.
Gloria: Manny, we will buy all your wrapping paper.
Jay: No. No, we won't. No, he's got to learn to sell. This is the best business training there is. Hell, the best life training. Manny, write this down. "A good salesman goes after Moby Dick in a rowboat and brings the tartar sauce with him."

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Gloria, how many times do I have to tell you to pull your car all the way in? The gate was open all night.
Gloria: We live in a nice neighborhood. What are you afraid of? That some money's gonna fly in and then your gardener is gonna have to rake it up?

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Jay, I'm going to need you to cut me a check.
Jay: What now?
Manny: Drama club trip. "Les Miserables." We're selling wrapping paper to raise money for the tickets.
Jay: No, no. Wait, wait. Slow down. What's the story exactly?
Manny: Well, Jean Valjean spent 19 years in prison for stealing a loaf of bread-
Jay: The wrapping paper.
Gloria: Nineteen years for a loaf of bread? How good was this bread?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam, what's this scribble on the "Vanity Fair" about an adoption agency?
Cameron: Oh, uh, yeah, they called to say they wanted to reschedule our home visit.
Mitchell: When? Why didn't you tell me? Th-this is kind of important.
Cameron: Well, when does it say?
Mitchell: Uh, well, who knows? It disappears into Jennifer Aniston's hair. You gotta get a better system.
Cameron: There is nothing wrong with my system. Ask me anything about any upcoming event. I can tell you when and where it is.
Mitchell: When is the adoption agency visit?
Cameron: Okay. Is that a "5" or a curl? Oh, I hope Jen's finally found love.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Just say what's on your mind.
Mitchell: You never clean up. [Cameron gasps] Save the gasp. Cam, whenever you get creative in the kitchen, I'm the one who ends up cleaning it up, okay? The homemade pizza, fondue, molecular gastronomy. I'm still cleaning shrimp foam out of the curtains.
Cameron: Okay, you know, Mitchell? Just go to work, okay? I'm gonna take Lily to school, and then when I get home, I'm gonna scrub this place like a crime scene, which it is, because you've murdered joy.

Quote from Phil

Claire: You know that really dangerous intersection?
Phil: Where desire meets jealousy, and the result is murder?
Claire: The one where I almost killed you this morning.
Phil: Oh, yeah. Sorry. That was my bad. I got lost in my jams. Dangerous comb: speed walking and Speedwagon. Oh. I wasn't even trying for that.
Luke: Nice.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What are you selling?
Manny: Wrapping paper.
Jay: Wrong. You're selling Christmas. The excitement of opening presents, the taste of eggnog.
Manny: I do love eggnog.
Jay: Look, write this down. "What's the difference between 'try' and 'triumph'?"
Manny: A little oomph?
Jay: A little oomph. Get it?
Manny: Of course I get it. I just said it.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Jay, can we stop now? I'm getting hungry.
Jay: You know what the problem is? You're not hungry.
Manny: I had a carrot at 3:00.
Jay: What if you couldn't feed your family unless you made this next sale? What if you were gonna lose your house?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I know I was pushing the kid hard, but here's the thing, I'm an older dad. I'm not gonna be around forever. And I'll sleep better knowing he's got something to fall back on.

Quote from Manny

Jay: You know, I-I actually need some wrapping paper. You know where I can find some?
Manny: You don't have to do that.
Jay: I want to do it.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: You'll never go broke playing to a rich guy's ego. Write that down.

Quote from Phil

Duane: Okay, thank you very much. We will, uh, take these under advisement. Just leave 'em here, and thank you-
Phil: Wait a minute. I know what that means.
Duane: Oh, here we go.
Phil: That's Washington-speak for "Get lost."
Claire: Well, um, wow, Phil. What are you doing here?
Phil: I'm your husband. I'm blindsiding you.


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