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41Quotes from ‘Chirp’

Modern Family: Chirp

207. Chirp

Aired November 3, 2010

With Claire and Haley sick in bed, Phil scours the house looking for a malfunctioning smoke detector. Manny is upset when Jay fires an employee following an accident. Meanwhile, Mitchell is unhappy when Cameron gets Lily a role in a TV commercial.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Hey, Dad, I think I found a place online where I can sell this organ. Can you drive me to the black market?
Phil: I think they mean a different kind of organ, buddy.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Dunphy. Is Haley ready for school?
Phil: She's on her way down. Don't get too close to my wife.
Dylan: Haley told you about that? It was just a dream.
Claire: Oh, God.
Phil: Okay, that came from the kitchen.
Dylan: I thought it was in here. Really?
Phil: Okay, you wait in here and listen for it. I'm gonna wait in there.
Dylan: I mean, it's the least I can do after... Well, you know.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Boy, I wish Haley would date some other boys.
Phil: What's that you say, Mrs. Robinson?
Claire: Don't.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: [on the phone] I'm sorry, but I gotta have lunch with my wife today. I know, baby, but I had to marry her so she could stay in the country.
Gloria: Oh, no. Where am I gonna find another husband that wears sweatpants to work?
Jay: Resort wear.
Gloria: Mm-hmm. Maybe last resort.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I'm glad you guys stopped by for lunch, 'cause you know what? I gotta work a little late tonight.
Gloria: Oh, not tonight. Did you forget our date?
Jay: No. No. I was kidding.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I had no idea what she was talking about. Gloria, God love her likes to celebrate every possible milestone in our relationship: the day we met; our first date, which I forgot so we got in a big fight. Now we commemorate the big fight.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Ay, my poor papi. Two doctors in one day.
Manny: Mom, I'm fine. The hospital said I could go back to school.
Gloria: No. You suffered a traumatic experience.
Manny: I barely remember it. I remember crashing through the wall and the ambulance ride to the hospital.
Jay: That wasn't an ambulance. I drove you.
Manny: Then what was that siren?
Jay: That was your mother.
Gloria: I was not that loud.
Jay: Cars pulled over, honey.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Jay, I'm sorry about your wall.
Jay: Wasn't your fault. It was Jack's, and I've already taken care of him.
Gloria: You kill him?
Jay: Can't kill people here. I fired him.

Quote from Haley

Claire: You know what this reminds me of?
Haley: Huh?
Claire: When you were little and we used to snuggle and watch soap operas together. Remember that? Nothing's changed. Sonya's still married to that guy with the-
Haley: Wait a second.
Claire: Bad hairline.
Haley: [answering phone] Dylan? Okay. God, I miss you too. Oh, it's just a cold, silly. You don't have to conceive of a world without me. Oh, nothing. I'm just in bed with my mom. Stop freaking out. It is not coming true.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Changing the battery in a smoke detector is what they teach you in Man 101 so, of course, every time I hear that noise, all I hear is "Beep, beep. You're not a man. Beep, beep. You're not-" [alarm beeps] Really?

Quote from Mitchell

Manny: Mitchell, I'd like to engage your legal services in representing my friend Jack in a wrongful termination suit.
Jay: Forget it. He's not coming back. Don't take the case, Mitchell.
Mitchell: I don't think I was gonna take the case.

Quote from Haley

Claire: You know something else you might find interesting Sonya is drinking because she married a buffoon when she was young and now she realizes she's wasted her entire life. Can you imagine making a mistake like that?
Haley: Yeah, that must be horrible.
Claire: Yeah, now she's just a bitter ghost of a woman filled with resentment. But that's what happens when you commit to someone before you see what else is out there. [alarm beeps]
Phil: [o.s.] Seriously?
[aside to camera:]
Haley: She couldn't have laid it on thicker. "Ghost of a woman"? "Total buffoon"? I'm not an idiot. She was talking about her and my dad.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I can't believe you went behind my back. We agreed-
Cameron: We didn't agree on anything. You agreed. We don't have to agree on everything. I didn't like the book you bought her last week but I didn't stop you from reading it to her.
Mitchell: What was wrong with it?
Cameron: How was it a big day for Biscuit, Mitchell? How?
Mitchell: Okay, this isn't about Biscuit.

Quote from Phil

Claire: What are you doing?
Phil: Shush. Shush. One of the smoke alarms is chirping. I'm trying to figure out which one it is so I can change the battery.
Claire: [congested] Well, if anybody can find it, it's you.
Phil: You sound horrible. Why don't, uh- Why don't you go back to bed?
Claire: 'Cause I've got too much to do. I've gotta make the ladyfingers for the bake sale and I've gotta go by the gym. I left my phone there yesterday.
Phil: I'll do all of that. We're a team. When one of us is weak, we lean on the other.
Claire: Honey, you don't have to do that stuff.
Phil: Honey, with all you do for me including going to the gym four times a week to keep me interested I got this.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [on the phone] Honey, Haley and Dylan are not us. No, I think that amount will be fine. I'm just happy you want Lily. I think you're going to be very happy with her. Okay. [hangs up]
Mitchell: Cam, did you just sell our baby?
Cameron: No, but do you remember that agent we met that represents child actors the one who said Lily might have what it takes and gave us his card?
Mitchell: That I threw away.
Cameron: That I fished out of the trash. That was him on the phone. They're shooting a children's furniture store commercial today and they want Lily.
Mitchell: Look, I threw away that card for a reason.
Cameron: Come on. It'll be fun. And Lily'll be on TV. And we can put the money in her college account.
Mitchell: No. Let's just let our daughter have a normal childhood, huh?
Cameron: I think that gay cruise has sailed.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: I wouldn't expect you to understand us. You're not theater folk.
Mitchell: And neither are you. You did Godspell one summer in a barn. You're barn folk.
Cameron: Get used to that jealousy, Lily. Ordinary people just don't understand us.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Good day, Jackson.
Jackson: Good day, Manuel.
Manny: I see you're still forklifting.
Jackson: More like lifting the fork.
Manny: Man. I was gonna say that joke.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Honey, I was thinking. With what happened to Manny maybe we'd better postpone our special day until next weekend.
Gloria: No, next weekend is the anniversary of the first time that I cooked for you.

Quote from Phil

Phil: How you doin', Typhoid Clairey?
Claire: Hey, what are you doing home?
Phil: She caught your cold and had to come home. I thought we should contain you two and keep it from spreading through the house.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Hey, did you finish my ladyfingers?
Phil: Not yet.
Claire: Did you pick up my phone?
Phil: Not yet.
Claire: Is that the smoke detector? I thought you fixed that.
Phil: Boy, you're really starting to sound like your old self.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Hey, buddy. How are you? What are you doing?
Luke: Keeping the germs off me.
Phil: You care about germs? I've seen you kiss a pigeon on the mouth.
Luke: My class is going to Disneyland in two days. I can't get Mom's cold.
Phil: Oh. Good plan. I remember this. My dad bought it during the Cuban Missile Crisis. I never got a turn in that. You think later I could-
Luke: Yeah, maybe.

Quote from Luke

Luke: What are you doing home in the afternoon?
Phil: Oh, no big deal. I just had a couple of showings fall through.
Luke: Again?
Phil: You know what I always say.
Luke: Sure do. "Can't get back on that horse unless you fall off."

Quote from Manny

Manny: Fine. Then under the circumstances, we have nothing further to talk about. These will be my last words to you.
Jay: Knock, knock.
Manny: Who's there? Okay, you got me. I hope you feel clever tricking a kid.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Did you hear that, Lily? You're the talent. Isn't that magical? Ooh. Grapes. Mmm. And that is a prop.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Yeah, well, maybe Sonya and her husband just need to work a little harder.
Claire: Can he give her those years back? She could have been something. She could have traveled the world, been with fascinating men. She could have accomplished things. That's all she thinks about now every time she looks at him.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Is that Mom's apron?
Phil: It's an apron. It's unisex. Some of the world's greatest chefs are men.
Luke: But it's bumped out where the boobs go.

Quote from Luke

Luke: So what happens if people stop buying houses? Are we all gonna have to get jobs?

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay, I'll see you later. I think you know where.
Jay: Honey? You know what I was just thinking? You know how when people are in love sometimes they finish each ether's sentences? Like, um tonight we're going to-
Gloria: Have fun.
Jay: Yes. When we get to-
Gloria: -gether later.

Quote from Manny

Manny: You have no idea where you're going, do you?
Jay: Tell me.
Manny: Hire Jack back.
Jay: Forget it.
Manny: Your funeral.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, Lily, Daddy's going to be right over here. Okay. Oh, and, um, by the way, if it helps I have a list of things Lily can do. She can blow a kiss, flap her arms like a bird-
Director: Thank you. I'll keep that in mind.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam. Cam.
Cameron: How did you get on the set?
Mitchell: I walked on. It's not MGM. It's a warehouse behind a mattress store.

Quote from Mitchell

Director: And action.
Male Voice Artist: [exaggerated Asian accent] Oh, no! We are lost in a city of high furniture prices.
Female Voice Artist: [exaggerated Asian accent] Oh! Can no one protect us from these high prices?
Director: Cut. Lighting problem. One sec.
Cameron: You can apologize to me any time you're ready.
Mitchell: Are you kidding me?
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: This commercial It's-it's a big stereotype.

Quote from Cameron

Director: Action.
Male Voice Artist: [exaggerated Asian accent] Oh, no! We are trapped in a city of high furniture prices.
Female Voice Artist: [exaggerated Asian accent] Oh! Can no one protect us from these high prices?
Male Voice Artist: Look. Over there.
Female Voice Artist: Oh!
Male Voice Artist: It's Save-zilla.
Female Voice Artist: He's knocking down prices on everything from bibs to cribs.
Male Voice Artist: Half off on playpens.
Female Voice Artist: Ah!
Male Voice Artist: High chairs are low chairs.
Cameron: Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Director: Cut. What's the problem?
Cameron: Well, don't you think this commercial just might be the teeniest bit racist? I mean, "Save-zilla"?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I just - I can't let my daughter do this.
Director: We had an agreement.
Cameron: Well, I also have the best attorney in town, so do your worst. And by the way, Lily is Vietnamese, not Japanese. There's a big difference, but you wouldn't know that because you're only interested in seeing these children as interchangeable stereotypes, not human beings. Come on, Lily. Let's go. [picks up boy]
Mitchell: Cam? Cam. That's not-
Cameron: Hi, buddy. [puts boy down, picks up Lily]
Mitchell: There we go.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Goin' to meet your mother. Figured it out all by myself. Two years ago, we got our marriage license. We went to a little hot dog stand. She said it was the most romantic meal she ever had in her life. That's it, isn't it? Yeah, that's it. Get this through your head: You can give me the cold shoulder the rest of your life Jack's not coming back. See, I could overlook the goofing off but you could have been seriously hurt today. Anybody puts my kid in danger doesn't get a second chance. Ever. I'll see you later.
Manny: Did you just call me your kid?
Jay: Oh, geez.
Manny: You've never said that before.
Jay: Sure, I have.
Manny: Uh-uh.
Jay: Well, of course you're my kid. I mean, what do you think?

Quote from Manny

Manny: You're going to the wrong place.
Jay: What?
Manny: It's not your wedding license.
Jay: What is it?
Manny: First kiss.
Jay: No. Just tell me.
Manny: I mean your first kiss with my mom.
Jay: My God, you're right. Thanks. [hesitates]
Manny: The pier.
Jay: Thanks.

Quote from Claire

Haley: But maybe Sonya didn't make a mistake. Maybe she just met her soul mate when she was young.
Claire: No. No, no, no. That never happens. See, she threw her life away, and now she wants out.
Haley: Okay, let's cut the crap. We're not talking about some character on a soap opera here, are we?
Claire: No. No, we're not. Honey, I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt your feelings but I've been feeling this way for a really long time, and- Can we be honest with each other? He's kind of a doofus.
Haley: I guess, but I thought you liked that about him.
Claire: Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. No, I never did. Believe me, honey, there are many better options out there.
Haley: Like who?
Claire: I don't know. Off the top of my head how about that cute guy who delivers the pizzas?
Haley: He's, like, 18!
Claire: So?

Quote from Phil

Phil: We're not calling anyone. I can handle this. Just need the ol' burglar basher.
Luke: Is that your college cheerleading baton?
Phil: Not when you're on the business end of it.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Mom, like it or not, you made a commitment. And maybe that doesn't mean anything to you anymore but you owe it to this family to save your marriage and give it one more try.
Claire: What?
Phil: [o.s.] End o' the line, Smoky Joe.
Haley: Look, Dad may be a doofus, but he is 10 times better than any pizza delivery boy. Go to him.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Phil, no. Stop.
Phil: I gotta stop the damn chirping.
Claire: This isn't about the noise. Sweetie, you're having a bad day.
Phil: At the end of a bad month.
Claire: I know.
Phil: You know how scary that is, Claire?
Claire: No. No, I don't because you never tell me the bad stuff. You only share all the good stuff. Honey, what happened to us being a team? Right? We're supposed to lean on each other. Honey I have faith in you.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Let's just get new smoke detectors.
Phil: We already changed 'em out last year. Remember, buddy? You helped me.
Luke: Sure did.
Phil: Wait a minute. What'd you do with the old ones?
Luke: You told me to throw them in the garbage so I put them in the attic to make a robot.
Phil: It's the old ones. The batteries are dying and we can hear 'em through the vents. You did it, buddy.

Quote from Haley

Haley: I'll get the pizza. Don't worry.
Claire: Get the change.
Haley: Here. And I think it's best you don't come around here anymore.


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