Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Chirp’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Modern Family: Chirp

207. Chirp

Aired November 3, 2010

With Claire and Haley sick in bed, Phil scours the house looking for a malfunctioning smoke detector. Manny is upset when Jay fires an employee following an accident. Meanwhile, Mitchell is unhappy when Cameron gets Lily a role in a TV commercial.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Hey, Dad, I think I found a place online where I can sell this organ. Can you drive me to the black market?
Phil: I think they mean a different kind of organ, buddy.

Rate

Quote from Phil

Claire: Boy, I wish Haley would date some other boys.
Phil: What's that you say, Mrs. Robinson?
Claire: Don't.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: [on the phone] I'm sorry, but I gotta have lunch with my wife today. I know, baby, but I had to marry her so she could stay in the country.
Gloria: Oh, no. Where am I gonna find another husband that wears sweatpants to work?
Jay: Resort wear.
Gloria: Mm-hmm. Maybe last resort.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I'm glad you guys stopped by for lunch, 'cause you know what? I gotta work a little late tonight.
Gloria: Oh, not tonight. Did you forget our date?
Jay: No. No. I was kidding.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I had no idea what she was talking about. Gloria, God love her likes to celebrate every possible milestone in our relationship: the day we met; our first date, which I forgot so we got in a big fight. Now we commemorate the big fight.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Ay, my poor papi. Two doctors in one day.
Manny: Mom, I'm fine. The hospital said I could go back to school.
Gloria: No. You suffered a traumatic experience.
Manny: I barely remember it. I remember crashing through the wall and the ambulance ride to the hospital.
Jay: That wasn't an ambulance. I drove you.
Manny: Then what was that siren?
Jay: That was your mother.
Gloria: I was not that loud.
Jay: Cars pulled over, honey.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Jay, I'm sorry about your wall.
Jay: Wasn't your fault. It was Jack's, and I've already taken care of him.
Gloria: You kill him?
Jay: Can't kill people here. I fired him.

Quote from Haley

Claire: You know what this reminds me of?
Haley: Huh?
Claire: When you were little and we used to snuggle and watch soap operas together. Remember that? Nothing's changed. Sonya's still married to that guy with the-
Haley: Wait a second.
Claire: Bad hairline.
Haley: [answering phone] Dylan? Okay. God, I miss you too. Oh, it's just a cold, silly. You don't have to conceive of a world without me. Oh, nothing. I'm just in bed with my mom. Stop freaking out. It is not coming true.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Changing the battery in a smoke detector is what they teach you in Man 101 so, of course, every time I hear that noise, all I hear is "Beep, beep. You're not a man. Beep, beep. You're not-" [alarm beeps] Really?

Quote from Mitchell

Manny: Mitchell, I'd like to engage your legal services in representing my friend Jack in a wrongful termination suit.
Jay: Forget it. He's not coming back. Don't take the case, Mitchell.
Mitchell: I don't think I was gonna take the case.

Quote from Haley

Claire: You know something else you might find interesting Sonya is drinking because she married a buffoon when she was young and now she realizes she's wasted her entire life. Can you imagine making a mistake like that?
Haley: Yeah, that must be horrible.
Claire: Yeah, now she's just a bitter ghost of a woman filled with resentment. But that's what happens when you commit to someone before you see what else is out there. [alarm beeps]
Phil: [o.s.] Seriously?
[aside to camera:]
Haley: She couldn't have laid it on thicker. "Ghost of a woman"? "Total buffoon"? I'm not an idiot. She was talking about her and my dad.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I can't believe you went behind my back. We agreed-
Cameron: We didn't agree on anything. You agreed. We don't have to agree on everything. I didn't like the book you bought her last week but I didn't stop you from reading it to her.
Mitchell: What was wrong with it?
Cameron: How was it a big day for Biscuit, Mitchell? How?
Mitchell: Okay, this isn't about Biscuit.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Dunphy. Is Haley ready for school?
Phil: She's on her way down. Don't get too close to my wife.
Dylan: Haley told you about that? It was just a dream.
Claire: Oh, God.
Phil: Okay, that came from the kitchen.
Dylan: I thought it was in here.
Phil: Okay, you wait in here and listen for it. I'm gonna wait in there.
Dylan: I mean, it's the least I can do after... Well, you know.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Is that Mom's apron?
Phil: It's an apron. It's unisex. Some of the world's greatest chefs are men.
Luke: But it's bumped out where the boobs go.

Quote from Phil

Claire: What are you doing?
Phil: Shush. Shush. One of the smoke alarms is chirping. I'm trying to figure out which one it is so I can change the battery.
Claire: [congested] Well, if anybody can find it, it's you.
Phil: You sound horrible. Why don't, uh- Why don't you go back to bed?
Claire: 'Cause I've got too much to do. I've gotta make the ladyfingers for the bake sale and I've gotta go by the gym. I left my phone there yesterday.
Phil: I'll do all of that. We're a team. When one of us is weak, we lean on the other.
Claire: Honey, you don't have to do that stuff.
Phil: Honey, with all you do for me including going to the gym four times a week to keep me interested I got this.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [on the phone] Honey, Haley and Dylan are not us. No, I think that amount will be fine. I'm just happy you want Lily. I think you're going to be very happy with her. Okay. [hangs up]
Mitchell: Cam, did you just sell our baby?
Cameron: No, but do you remember that agent we met that represents child actors the one who said Lily might have what it takes and gave us his card?
Mitchell: That I threw away.
Cameron: That I fished out of the trash. That was him on the phone. They're shooting a children's furniture store commercial today and they want Lily.
Mitchell: Look, I threw away that card for a reason.
Cameron: Come on. It'll be fun. And Lily'll be on TV. And we can put the money in her college account.
Mitchell: No. Let's just let our daughter have a normal childhood, huh?
Cameron: I think that gay cruise has sailed.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: I wouldn't expect you to understand us. You're not theater folk.
Mitchell: And neither are you. You did Godspell one summer in a barn. You're barn folk.
Cameron: Get used to that jealousy, Lily. Ordinary people just don't understand us.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Good day, Jackson.
Jackson: Good day, Manuel.
Manny: I see you're still forklifting.
Jackson: More like lifting the fork.
Manny: Man. I was gonna say that joke.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Honey, I was thinking. With what happened to Manny maybe we'd better postpone our special day until next weekend.
Gloria: No, next weekend is the anniversary of the first time that I cooked for you.

Quote from Phil

Phil: How you doin', Typhoid Clairey?
Claire: Hey, what are you doing home?
Phil: She caught your cold and had to come home. I thought we should contain you two and keep it from spreading through the house.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Hey, did you finish my ladyfingers?
Phil: Not yet.
Claire: Did you pick up my phone?
Phil: Not yet.
Claire: Is that the smoke detector? I thought you fixed that.
Phil: Boy, you're really starting to sound like your old self.

Next Page 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode