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29Quotes from ‘Spring-A-Ding-Fling’

Modern Family: Spring-A-Ding-Fling

516. Spring-A-Ding-Fling

Aired March 5, 2014

Cameron is looking forward to the school's big spring dance, until a popular teacher returns from a sabbatical. Phil is hoping to impress Haley when she accompanies him to a realtor's banquet. Mitchell starts a new job and can't seem to get a good handle on his new boss's personality. Meanwhile, Jay and Gloria think Lily is lying to them about Joe's involvement in an accident involving Gloria's phone.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Ladies and gentlemen, he's the emperor of escrow. He puts the toot in tooter. Let's put your hands together for Phil Dunphy! [runs out on stage] Thanks for the kind introduction, me. Now, unlike past years I'm not gonna stand up here and talk your ears off. No, ladies and gentlemen. You deserve more. This year, I'm gonna sing them off. [to the tune of Styx's "Sailing"] I'm selling away Set an open house for Saturday... A gathering of agents Appeared in caravan... I'm a new divorce Now I need a house That's cat-friendly.

Quote from Lily

Gloria: So, you have ways of making him walk? Lily, just admit that you did it.
Lily: Come here, Joe. Come here like you did before.
Jay: Honey, you're embarrassing yourself.
Lily: Come here, Joe.
Jay: He can't walk.
Gloria: He's walking! The candles that I lit worked!
Jay: Look at the stride on him. He's as surefooted as a mountain goat.
Lily: Told you.
Gloria: I'm so sorry that we doubted you.
[aside to camera:]
Lily: Boy, did I get lucky. I'm going to blame everything on him until he learns how to talk.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I have accepted a job at the C.F.J., the Center For Justice.
Cameron: Not, it turns out, a secret headquarters for superheroes.
Mitchell: No, it- It kind of is. It's a legal-aid society founded by a law-school friend of mine. I will be an advocate for the people, a voice for the voiceless. And just as important-
Cameron: Oh, thank you. Tonight, I am chaperoning the Spring-A-Ding-Fling, a fundraiser, a dance, which, under my stewardship, has shattered school records. And I added the "A-ding." It used to just be called the Spring Fling. I should have said my thing first.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: She lies.
Jay: How could Joe pull a bag off a table? He can't even walk. I'll talk to her.
Gloria: Why you? Because you're such a businessman that knows how to talk to people?
Jay: Trust me. When I get done talking to her, not only will she have confessed to the crime, I might even sell her a closet.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Watch and learn.
Jay: I don't think that cleavage thing is gonna work with this one.
Gloria: That's not my only trick. Hola, Lily.
Lily: Where did Grandpa go?
Gloria: Don't worry about Jay. It's only you and me here now. So, tell me. Which one of these is your favorite? Fine. One by one, they will disappear. Sooner or later, we'll get to the one that you love.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] They say the greats never let anything affect their performance. Well, maybe the greats never had a daughter who checked out during the third of five planned real-time, mid-performance wardrobe changes. I'm not gonna lie. It knocked me off my game.

Quote from Jay

Jay: She's been stewing in there for an hour.
Gloria: I say let's lock the door, cut the power. Let's show her that we mean business.
Jay: Let's try the joint approach first "Gitmo."

Quote from Cameron

Senor Kaplan: Mind if I join you, coach? While on sabbatical, I learned a thing or two from Sri Lanka's own Chitrasena.
Cameron: I don't know who that is, and it's annoying when you say things like people are supposed to know!

Quote from Mitchell

Wendy: You weren't wrong about everything. I mean, look, I do joke about it, but you're right. I'm alone. And that is not the first time that someone has called me cold. Okay, those eggs those eggs came out of me frozen. And I'm impossibly tall. And even if I could find somebody to love me, they- They wouldn't be able to reach.
Mitchell: No. Hey, hey. Come on. You're- You're an amazing woman. She's an amazing woman. And you- You're a-a role model. You're a hero.
Wendy: I'm a 6-foot hero.
Mitchell: No. Come on. You're surrounded by people who love you. Here's Dan and Rex. Me. Come here. All the way up to Samuel L. Jackson there. That's your mother in a Kangol hat, isn't it?
Wendy: Yeah.

Quote from Haley

Haley: I'm, uh, I'm Haley, Phil's daughter. Dad, you won the ROY! You all know him as an amazing realtor, but I know him as the world's greatest dad. As far as I'm concerned, he's the dad of the year, the "DOY." It really is a shame that you didn't hear the rest of his act tonight. I-I heard him rehearsing it. Which one of you is J.J. McCubbin? Oh. Hey, quick question, J.J. Why is a great mortgage rate like your wife in bed? Once a month and low interest. [laughter] What are you laughing at, Skip Woosnum? You haven't seen a commission since you joined the navy. [laughter
Ted: She is killing it.
Phil: That's my girl. I would have hit the word "Navy" harder.
Haley: What else? What else? Oh! Margaret Furman's here. Little heads-up to her date,. she's been upside-down in more houses than Fannie Mae. Or, in her case, Fannie definitely will. [laughter]

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: [v.o.] We all want people to think the best of us
Cameron: So sometimes we cover things up to protect ourselves
Jay: But we don't have to be afraid
Gloria: Because the truth is always a good thing.
Mitchell: The truth sets us free
Cameron: Brings us closer.
[cut to:]
Cameron: So, do you want to tell us how Joe's shoes ended up on the wrong feet?
Lily: I guess the little guy knows how to put on his own shoes.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Tonight is the SCARB. Southern California Annual Realtors' Banquet. It is the banquet for southern California realtors. Literally, it's the only one.
Claire: And this guy is the only two-time host-
Phil: Three-time.
Claire: Three-time host in the history of the event. Unfortunately, I have to miss it this year.
Phil: It's for the best. She's invisible at these things. It's tough being married to the rock star.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, my gosh. That's you and Michelle Obama.
Wendy: That's my aunt.
Mitchell: I am so sorry. I don't know why I thought that-
Wendy: Calm down, white guilt. It's Michelle Obama.
Mitchell: Oh, good, yeah.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Yeah, you've accomplished a lot in 15 years.
Wendy: Professionally, yeah. I haven't had a date in six months. Some sundays, I drive out to visit my frozen eggs. But, on the plus side, I have gotten really close with my mom.
Mitchell: Oh, look at that. I see the resemblance.
Wendy: That's Maya Angelou.
Mitchell: Damn it.
Wendy: It's signed, Mitch.
Mitchell: Yeah. I see that.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: I do love it in leather.
Gloria: Well, learn to love it in silk. It's too hot outside to be wearing leather.
Jay: I'm talking about this car. Oh, by the way, I do the negotiating at the dealership today.
Gloria: Why?
Jay: Honey, I'm a businessman. When it comes to people, I know how to get what I want out of them.
Gloria: This watch, the man sold it to me for half of what he was asking. These, a third. These, for free. So, who's better at working people, Mr. Businessman? Fine.
Jay: We have different approaches, but we're both pretty good.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, buddy. You look like you want to get up and walk. Late bloomer -- fine. Who cares if the other kids call you "Slo-Joe"? And they do, you know.

Quote from Alex

Drew: And my dad has three tattoos. Like, "Why? You're a dad."
Alex: Ew! It's so sad when parents try. My mom double-pierced one of her ears, and I'm like, "Hello! You're 50." It's so old, like, ancient to have an ear piercing.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] "Ironic"? My ass. Alex likes Drew. She's just playing it safe. Now, there are the pushy, obnoxious moms who try and get involved, nudge them towards one another. We mean well.

Quote from Cameron

Angela: Fancy shirt, coach Tucker.
Cameron: Oh, thank you. You know what I like to say. I might be coach, but I travel first class.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Senor Kaplan, legendary Spanish teacher. You know, my heart went out to him a little because he left as everyone's favorite, and I'm sure word got out about, you know... me. I just didn't want him to feel displaced.

Quote from Cameron

Senor Kaplan: And this is for, um...
Cameron: It's Marcia.
Senor Kaplan: Marcia! Right, of course. I knew that. I must have been having a "Senor" moment.
Cameron: Somebody's always on.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I remember my buddies and I were playing rock war once. That's a game where you chuck rocks at each other's heads. What could go wrong, right? I put one through the window of my old man's Rambler, and he thought my baby brother did it. I couldn't take it, and I told him I did it. It felt so good to confess, and my old man was so proud of me, I didn't even get in any trouble. Y-you know?
Lily: Joe did it.
Jay: She's good.

Quote from Alex

Alex: "The house will be empty"? You are pimping me out!
Claire: It is clear that the two of you like one another. Sometimes, you need a little nudge.
Alex: Well, you're a chaperone! Just disappear! This dance is not for you!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: This guy waltzes in here like he's king of the dance after doing god knows what in Sri Lanka, building schools in underdeveloped areas. What does that even mean?
Claire: Is it possible that you're being a little hard on the man?
Cameron: I turned his two-bit dance into the event of the year. Look. Burnouts and dweebs hanging out together in harmony. That is me.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] That pathetic peacock of a man was not going down without a fight. I had a choice to make -- be the better dancer or the bigger man. So, I stepped off the dance floor and made the obvious call. You want to win over a crowd? Invite a lonely mom to dance. She never saw it coming, and neither did he. Hey Senor. You just got out-coached.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I try and look on the bright side of things. I'm a doggy-bath-is-half-full kind of guy. But it was time for me to open my eyes. I was working for a monster. I came to this job to be the voice of the downtrodden. Turns out those downtrodden were my co-workers, and they were desperate for a hero to slay their dragon.

Quote from Mitchell

Wendy: Hey, has anybody seen my dog? Pixie! Oh, there she is.
Mitchell: Okay, Wendy, I'm sorry. I-I have something to say to you, something that everybody else here is afraid to say. Now, I know you're fighting the good fight, but that is no excuse for the way you treat people. T- That actually might be one of the reasons that you have no personal life because who wants to come home to a-a cold, emotionless thug?
Wendy: W-what are you talking about?
Mitchell: I am an experienced, respected attorney, and on my first day, you asked me to bathe Rex.
Rex: I'm not comfortable with that.
Mitchell: And I'm not comfortable with that, but I did it.
Wendy: Okay, that's Pixie. This is Rex, the intern I asked you to groom.
Mitchell: And that is my mistake, and I own that. But that is still no excuse for the way that you tore into him for the outfit he wore yesterday.
Wendy: I was talking about the outfit he picked out for me. Apparently, I have the one gay intern in the world with absolutely no fashion sense.
Mitchell: I was unaware of- of this dynamic.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: But I-I-I'm not alone here, all right? There are people in this room who feel that you are- How did we say it? You are a tyrant with no regard for human life.
Elliot: That sounds like my summation for the slum-lord case.
Wendy: Oh, hey, you finished it?
Helen: It's wonderful. But he's nervous to show you.
Wendy: Why are you so hard on yourself?
Mitchell: Okay, but w-w-what- What about you making us work on Sundays? That-
Dan: The night of my barbecue?
Wendy: Dan? What are you still doing here? It's your anniversary! Go home!
Mitchell: Oh, God. This isn't happening. No, no. She's- She's crazy. I mean, I saw her attack the vending machine.
Helen: That's the only way it works since Dennis broke it.
Mitchell: Dennis is the guy whose office I took?
Elliot: Yeah, he was the machine's best customer until he started running. One day, he said he's got to get out or-
Mitchell: He would die. Okay. Okay. Wendy, um I-I might owe you a little bit of an apology, so I'm sorry. Um, clearly, everybody here loves you, and I-I was wrong about everything. So I'm sorry.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Um, are you sure you know what you're doing, Tad? I know you're the Mortgage Doctor, but-
Ted: Someone said, "Is there a doctor in the house?" Was I supposed to not get up?


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