Phil: Ladies and gentlemen, he's the emperor of escrow. He puts the toot in tooter. Let's put your hands together for Phil Dunphy! [runs out on stage] Thanks for the kind introduction, me. Now, unlike past years I'm not gonna stand up here and talk your ears off. No, ladies and gentlemen. You deserve more. This year, I'm gonna sing them off. [to the tune of Styx's "Sailing"] I'm selling away Set an open house for Saturday... A gathering of agents Appeared in caravan... I'm a new divorce Now I need a house That's cat-friendly.

Gloria: So, you have ways of making him walk? Lily, just admit that you did it.
Lily: Come here, Joe. Come here like you did before.
Jay: Honey, you're embarrassing yourself.
Lily: Come here, Joe.
Jay: He can't walk.
Gloria: He's walking! The candles that I lit worked!
Jay: Look at the stride on him. He's as surefooted as a mountain goat.
Lily: Told you.
Gloria: I'm so sorry that we doubted you.
[aside to camera:]
Lily: Boy, did I get lucky. I'm going to blame everything on him until he learns how to talk.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I have accepted a job at the C.F.J., the Center For Justice.
Cameron: Not, it turns out, a secret headquarters for superheroes.
Mitchell: No, it- It kind of is. It's a legal-aid society founded by a law-school friend of mine. I will be an advocate for the people, a voice for the voiceless. And just as important-
Cameron: Oh, thank you. Tonight, I am chaperoning the Spring-A-Ding-Fling, a fundraiser, a dance, which, under my stewardship, has shattered school records. And I added the "A-ding." It used to just be called the Spring Fling. I should have said my thing first.

Gloria: She lies.
Jay: How could Joe pull a bag off a table? He can't even walk. I'll talk to her.
Gloria: Why you? Because you're such a businessman that knows how to talk to people?
Jay: Trust me. When I get done talking to her, not only will she have confessed to the crime, I might even sell her a closet.

Gloria: Watch and learn.
Jay: I don't think that cleavage thing is gonna work with this one.
Gloria: That's not my only trick. Hola, Lily.
Lily: Where did Grandpa go?
Gloria: Don't worry about Jay. It's only you and me here now. So, tell me. Which one of these is your favorite? Fine. One by one, they will disappear. Sooner or later, we'll get to the one that you love.

Phil: [aside to camera] They say the greats never let anything affect their performance. Well, maybe the greats never had a daughter who checked out during the third of five planned real-time, mid-performance wardrobe changes. I'm not gonna lie. It knocked me off my game.

Jay: She's been stewing in there for an hour.
Gloria: I say let's lock the door, cut the power. Let's show her that we mean business.
Jay: Let's try the joint approach first "Gitmo."

Senor Kaplan: Mind if I join you, coach? While on sabbatical, I learned a thing or two from Sri Lanka's own Chitrasena.
Cameron: I don't know who that is, and it's annoying when you say things like people are supposed to know!

Wendy: You weren't wrong about everything. I mean, look, I do joke about it, but you're right. I'm alone. And that is not the first time that someone has called me cold. Okay, those eggs those eggs came out of me frozen. And I'm impossibly tall. And even if I could find somebody to love me, they- They wouldn't be able to reach.
Mitchell: No. Hey, hey. Come on. You're- You're an amazing woman. She's an amazing woman. And you- You're a-a role model. You're a hero.
Wendy: I'm a 6-foot hero.
Mitchell: No. Come on. You're surrounded by people who love you. Here's Dan and Rex. Me. Come here. All the way up to Samuel L. Jackson there. That's your mother in a Kangol hat, isn't it?
Wendy: Yeah.

Haley: I'm, uh, I'm Haley, Phil's daughter. Dad, you won the ROY! You all know him as an amazing realtor, but I know him as the world's greatest dad. As far as I'm concerned, he's the dad of the year, the "DOY." It really is a shame that you didn't hear the rest of his act tonight. I-I heard him rehearsing it. Which one of you is J.J. McCubbin? Oh. Hey, quick question, J.J. Why is a great mortgage rate like your wife in bed? Once a month and low interest. [laughter] What are you laughing at, Skip Woosnum? You haven't seen a commission since you joined the navy. [laughter
Ted: She is killing it.
Phil: That's my girl. I would have hit the word "Navy" harder.
Haley: What else? What else? Oh! Margaret Furman's here. Little heads-up to her date,. she's been upside-down in more houses than Fannie Mae. Or, in her case, Fannie definitely will. [laughter]