Jay: Look, kid, that's a deep question, "Will I die some day?" And I'm gonna be straight with you about it... no.
Joe: Never?
Jay: A few years back, people would live to be around 12. Nowadays, what with all the science they're doing, sky's the limit. You play your cards right, and someday you'll be 200, and if you learn anything from your old man, you'll have a gorgeous 100-year-old bride on your arm. Uh, there will be some squawking from women in their 180s, but, uh, you're a successful man and you've earned your happiness.

Luke: [aside to camera] So we discovered our dad made a series of videos through the years.
Alex: Every time he was in danger, he made a goodbye video for us.
Haley: It turns out he's had the same haircut for a really long time.
[porta-potty video:]
Phil: Hey, kids, um, I've been trapped in this porta-potty for some time now, and as you can see by the the curling edges of my mustache, the, uh, the chemical fumes are strong.
[airplane video:]
Phil: I didn't plan to be on an airplane for Y2K, but here I am.
[outdoors video:]
Phil: A quick, loving goodbye as I am surrounded by a swarm of bears.
[hospital video:]
Phil: If anything happens to me today, I have faith knowing that the three of you will always have each other.
[porta-potty video:]
Phil: My fingers are numb, to the point at which it's hard to even keep a grip on the phone. No!
[airplan video:]
Phil: Oh, no! It's happening! It's hap Oh, they're they're just starting the movie. Oh. It's It's "A Bug's Life."
[back:]
Luke: They're goofy. But it's sweet that he wanted his last words on Earth to be something for his family.
Alex: Yeah. Also, we've reached a point in world history where it's become much too easy to film yourself.
Haley: [applying make-up] Totally. Wait, what?

Gloria: Phil, thank you so much for helping, especially after Jay was so rude to you last night.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I wanted to start a new family tradition. In a way, I succeeded. We now have Phil Un-appreciation Day.
[flashback:]
Phil: Hear ye, hear ye!
Jay: Nope.
Phil: I hereby declare the opening of the first annual Dunphy Games.
Jay: Hard pass.
Phil: Tests of strength, games of chance with the champion receiving the coveted Dunphy chalice and this gift card to Yogurtland.
Jay: Phil, it's not going to happen.
Phil: Your dissent has been noted, town elder, but perhaps those who've seen fewer winters should cast a vote. [chatter]
Frank: Who dares accept the challenge of a noodle-joust?
Phil: No sale, Dad.
Frank: Oh, well. Nice try, Son. I'll probably just drive back to Florida, then. Great to see you guys.

Phil: I just thought with everyone growing up, a new tradition might give us another excuse to get together every year.
Gloria: Oh, maybe, we can get together today for Joe's soccer-team party. We have superheroes coming. We have the Superman, the X-Men.
Phil: That's what Jay called my dad and me. Ex-men.

Cameron: Okay, it's good, but is it wow?
Mitchell: We're inviting eight people over for brunch with an invitation that reads, "Friends, Romans, Hungreymen" they're gonna say wow.

Cameron: [answering phone] Hey, Gloria.
Gloria: I am taking Phil to the hospital!
Cameron: What? [to Mitchell] They're taking Phil to the hospital.
Phil: It's just a stomach issue.
Gloria: Please pick up Joe at soccer and meet us over there.
Cameron: Of course. Oh, but what about Lily? [lyre twangs]
Phil: What is that? A harp?
Gloria: No! Dios mí­o, no! The angels are coming down. You cannot have him yet!

Jay: Comin' in hot! Comin' in hot! [tires screech]
Alex: You're just gonna park that right there?
Jay: I did the closets for head of surgery here. I'm untouchable.

Nurse: Well, glad you got to wish him well. We have to get this guy prepped for his gallbladder surgery.
Phil: [singsong] That means they're gonna shave me.
Mitchell: Should we be worried that those could be his last words?
Cameron: I got this. Phil, we love you.
Phil: [normal voice] I love you, too. They're gonna shave me.
Mitchell: Well, we tried.

Luke: It's not so bad. I'm never gonna die. Science is gonna find a cure for everything. Grandpa told me that.

Claire: Um, let me tell you about the happiest guy I know. He stretched a tightrope across his front yard. Didn't worry about the neighbors. He pogo-sticked to work, and [sighs]... The point is, he doesn't care what anybody thinks, and if he did, he wouldn't have had half the fun he's had. Let me ask you again. How do you feel about the hair?
Manny: Kinda like it.
Claire: Yeah. How do you feel about the fact that Jay's gonna hate it?
Manny: I love that. Thanks, Claire. [Claire hugs Manny]
Claire: Yeah, I'm gonna hold on just a little longer. I need it today.