Previous Episode Next Episode 

41Quotes from ‘Dear Beloved Family’

Modern Family: Dear Beloved Family

912. Dear Beloved Family

Aired January 10, 2018

When Gloria takes Phil to the hospital after he is struck down by stomach pains, the entire family races to be by his side on the 200th episode of Modern Family.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Look, kid, that's a deep question, "Will I die some day?" And I'm gonna be straight with you about it... no.
Joe: Never?
Jay: A few years back, people would live to be around 12. Nowadays, what with all the science they're doing, sky's the limit. You play your cards right, and someday you'll be 200, and if you learn anything from your old man, you'll have a gorgeous 100-year-old bride on your arm. Uh, there will be some squawking from women in their 180s, but, uh, you're a successful man and you've earned your happiness.

Quote from Phil

Luke: [aside to camera] So we discovered our dad made a series of videos through the years.
Alex: Every time he was in danger, he made a goodbye video for us.
Haley: It turns out he's had the same haircut for a really long time.
[porta-potty video:]
Phil: Hey, kids, um, I've been trapped in this porta-potty for some time now, and as you can see by the the curling edges of my mustache, the, uh, the chemical fumes are strong.
[airplane video:]
Phil: I didn't plan to be on an airplane for Y2K, but here I am.
[outdoors video:]
Phil: A quick, loving goodbye as I am surrounded by a swarm of bears.
[hospital video:]
Phil: If anything happens to me today, I have faith knowing that the three of you will always have each other.
[porta-potty video:]
Phil: My fingers are numb, to the point at which it's hard to even keep a grip on the phone. No!
[airplan video:]
Phil: Oh, no! It's happening! It's hap Oh, they're they're just starting the movie. Oh. It's It's "A Bug's Life."
[back:]
Luke: They're goofy. But it's sweet that he wanted his last words on Earth to be something for his family.
Alex: Yeah. Also, we've reached a point in world history where it's become much too easy to film yourself.
Haley: [applying make-up] Totally. Wait, what?

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Phil, thank you so much for helping, especially after Jay was so rude to you last night.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I wanted to start a new family tradition. In a way, I succeeded. We now have Phil Un-appreciation Day.
[flashback:]
Phil: Hear ye, hear ye!
Jay: Nope.
Phil: I hereby declare the opening of the first annual Dunphy Games.
Jay: Hard pass.
Phil: Tests of strength, games of chance with the champion receiving the coveted Dunphy chalice and this gift card to Yogurtland.
Jay: Phil, it's not going to happen.
Phil: Your dissent has been noted, town elder, but perhaps those who've seen fewer winters should cast a vote. [chatter]
Frank: Who dares accept the challenge of a noodle-joust?
Phil: No sale, Dad.
Frank: Oh, well. Nice try, Son. I'll probably just drive back to Florida, then. Great to see you guys.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I just thought with everyone growing up, a new tradition might give us another excuse to get together every year.
Gloria: Oh, maybe, we can get together today for Joe's soccer-team party. We have superheroes coming. We have the Superman, the X-Men.
Phil: That's what Jay called my dad and me. Ex-men.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Okay, it's good, but is it wow?
Mitchell: We're inviting eight people over for brunch with an invitation that reads, "Friends, Romans, Hungreymen" they're gonna say wow.

Quote from Gloria

Cameron: [answering phone] Hey, Gloria.
Gloria: I am taking Phil to the hospital!
Cameron: What? [to Mitchell] They're taking Phil to the hospital.
Phil: It's just a stomach issue.
Gloria: Please pick up Joe at soccer and meet us over there.
Cameron: Of course. Oh, but what about Lily? [lyre twangs]
Phil: What is that? A harp?
Gloria: No! Dios mí­o, no! The angels are coming down. You cannot have him yet!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Comin' in hot! Comin' in hot! [tires screech]
Alex: You're just gonna park that right there?
Jay: I did the closets for head of surgery here. I'm untouchable.

Quote from Mitchell

Nurse: Well, glad you got to wish him well. We have to get this guy prepped for his gallbladder surgery.
Phil: [singsong] That means they're gonna shave me.
Mitchell: Should we be worried that those could be his last words?
Cameron: I got this. Phil, we love you.
Phil: [normal voice] I love you, too. They're gonna shave me.
Mitchell: Well, we tried.

Quote from Luke

Luke: It's not so bad. I'm never gonna die. Science is gonna find a cure for everything. Grandpa told me that.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Um, let me tell you about the happiest guy I know. He stretched a tightrope across his front yard. Didn't worry about the neighbors. He pogo-sticked to work, and [sighs]... The point is, he doesn't care what anybody thinks, and if he did, he wouldn't have had half the fun he's had. Let me ask you again. How do you feel about the hair?
Manny: Kinda like it.
Claire: Yeah. How do you feel about the fact that Jay's gonna hate it?
Manny: I love that. Thanks, Claire. [Claire hugs Manny]
Claire: Yeah, I'm gonna hold on just a little longer. I need it today.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [on the phone] Hi, I ordered your Ultra-Soft Gel-Heel Socks, and they are both marked "L." And "L" is for "L" is for large. Hilarious. I'm thinking I've been wearing two left socks. I am adorable.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: [answering phone] Hello?
Gloria: Claire, everything is okay, but I am taking Phil to the hospital. [glancing at Phil] He's dead!
Phil: I was just resting my eyes!

Quote from Jay

Jay: [cell phone rings] Really, Schwartzy? Calling me while I'm putting? It's bush-league moves like that why your wife left you, why we still play poker and never invite you, why we- Oh, it's Gloria.
Gloria: Jay, pick up Joe and meet me at the hospital!
Jay: What happened? Is it Stella?!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Sorry, guys. Emergency, I gotta take the cart.
Marv: What?!
Jay: The clubhouse is 50 yards away. Walk the first 25, make camp, and then tackle the rest in the morning.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [on the phone] Phil, how's the pain? On a scale of one to-
Phil: Bo Derek!
Jay: 10. Got it. Boy, they did not get that score wrong, huh?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Oh, crap. We don't have time for this valet stuff. I'm going rogue. Luke, this thing's not fast enough. Grab a nine-iron, try to hook a bumper.

Quote from Mitchell

Joe: If Phil dies, would Claire get a new husband?
Cameron: Okay, he's not gonna die, bud.
Mitchell: But to answer your question, yes, probably. You have to move on with life.
Cameron: Wow.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Phil, honey, how are you?
Phil: Oh, back in the hospital.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: But better because of Elsie and her friend IV.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: If it's okay, I invited IV to come live with us.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Well, I brought you something that's gonna make you feel so much better.
Phil: Oh, Surgery Bear. Our first year dating, we went to a carnival. At the milk-can toss, there was a bear that Claire really liked. I spent all night trying to win it, but I just couldn't. Came back the next night and the carnival had left town. So, I drove to Fresno, failed again. Sacramento, no dice. Six weeks later, in Carson City, Nevada, it happened.
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: When I handed it to her and saw the smile on her face, I proposed to her on the spot.

Quote from Phil

Mitchell: Hey, Phil.
Phil: Hi.
Mitchell: How you feeling?
Gloria: Did you tell them about the long pants?
Phil: Oh, yeah, they had to cut me out of them when th- [laughing] When they got tangled up in the spokes of the wheelchair!
Jay: Well, they gave him the good stuff.

Quote from Jay

Joe: So you're sure Phil's gonna be okay?
Gloria: Absolutely, Papi, Phil is not gonna die in a long, long time.
Joe: Am I going to die? Well, Joe, it's a natural thing that we-
Jay: Bup, bup, bup. This is not a topic you tend to handle gently. It's not your fault, but many people in your orbit met with ugly ends. I'll handle this.
Gloria: Fine. I have to pick up the party cake. It's shaped like a soccer ball.
Jay: You sure that won't scare them? 'Cause the only thing I've seen them do with a soccer ball is run from it.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: What is a gallbladder?
Mitchell: Yeah, and what's up with these organs you don't even need? You can lose a gallbladder, an appendix, and everything's fine.
Cameron: Yeah, kind of like husbands. You lose one, you just get another. [chuckles] That is what you said earlier.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I didn't bring it up to attack you. I just wondered have you ever thought about who you'd end up with if, you know, my show closes early?
Mitchell: I would give my right gallbladder not to answer this question.
Cameron: Come on, it'll be a fun game. Don't you want to know who I'm thinking about?
Mitchell: I guess.
Cameron: Okay, well, then, let's just say a name on three.
Mitchell: Cam.
Cameron: No, come on. I think you'll be surprised by my choice. You ready? One, two, three
Mitchell: Caleb.
Cameron: You're my everything.
Mitchell: Y-You You tricked me.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, who's Caleb?
Mitchell: You- You met him. At- At Jotham's party. The- The massage therapist.
Cameron: Well, I guess he rubbed you the right way.
Mitchell: Cam, oh, come on. I only said a name because you pressured me to. I've had like two conversations with him. Look, I-I only picked him because he reminds me of you. So sweet and open and such a good balance for me. I-I thought he might be, too.
Cameron: Well, then, that's lovely.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Oh, thank God. I cut the right wire.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Okay, what is a gallbladder? The gallbladder is "a 4-inch pear-shaped organ that stores bile."
Mitchell: Like- Like a little bile cabinet.
Cameron: [giggles] That's why people want us around.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: What's going on?
Cameron: Uh, would you stop being so suspicious? You said you neck hurt from posing for our photograph so I invited Caleb over to ply his trade.
Mitchell: I do not think he's here to ply. I think he's here so you can pry.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Dad's gonna be fine.
Haley: Since we're on the subject, at my funeral, make sure the pallbearers say things like, "Wow, she's so light," and things like, "Is she even in here?"
Alex: I don't want to be buried. I'm donating my body to science.
Haley: Haven't you already?
Alex: I'm putting kettle bells in your coffin. And make sure my cadaver goes to an Ivy League. I don't want some hungover freshman from Swarthmore getting his hands all over me.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Quick, kids, hey, listen, Surgery Bear is not upstairs. Any ideas?
Haley: Oh, right, Dad gave it to Joe when he got his tonsils taken out.
Claire: You could've told me that before I looked through Luke's drawers.
Luke: Which drawer?!
Claire: We'll get into that later.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [on the phone] Hey, honey, did you find Surgery Bear?
Claire: Uh yeah, sure did. He's- He's right here with his beautiful blue eyes.
Phil: I always considered them hazel, but who could tell underneath those sunglasses?
Claire: Sunglasses. Right. Um... Why don't you tell me what your favorite thing is about Surgery Bear?
Phil: Well, as you know, he's the polar [yawns] opposite of me. I mean, I hate surfing. But it makes sense that a fireman would love it.
Claire: Yes, of course.
Phil: [laughs] In my mind, he's a volunteer fireman during the summer because professors have those off.
Claire: Professors have- Yes.
Phil: Oh, gotta run, honey. Elsie's here to give me another shot for the pain. Don't be stingy, Elsie. Last time, it took forever to fee... [snores]

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Joe, I know what your father said, but forget it. You can die from that.
Joe: Really?
Gloria: Yes. People die all the time. That's why you have to be careful. Everyone dies. You can choke or something very heavy can fall on top of your head. One time, I heard there was a little kid that exploded. The nuns said that it was because of unclean thoughts. Do you get all this?
Joe: Yes, mommy.
Gloria: [doorbell rings] Those are your friends. Go welcome them.
Joe's friend: Hi, Joe. I brought cupcakes.
Joe: What's the point?

Quote from Mitchell

Caleb: You okay with the pressure?
Mitchell: If you looked under this table, you'll see I'm drooling like a trumpeter.

Quote from Cameron

Caleb: Hey! Uh, everything okay with the recycling bins?
Cameron: What? Oh. Oh. The excuse. Y-Y-Yes, and listen, about earlier, um, Mitchell has a little crush on you and I was being weird, but we're all good now, so-
Caleb: No, it's actually really nice to hear. I just got dumped, so I'll take any validation I can get. Did he say what exactly about me he liked?
Cameron: I think how not needy you are.

Quote from Claire

Claire: That's what all the fuss is about? An earring? Ugh. Where's the bear?
Manny: Closet. I started with an earring. No one even noticed.
Claire: So, you might need to up your game, pal. Try wearing a snake around your neck and then act annoyed when people want to talk about it. Drawers?
Manny: I went a different way.
Claire: Uh-huh. Oh! Okay. Wow. Well, first of all, welcome. We do have more fun.

Quote from Manny

Claire: I'm guessing you like it, but you're worried what other people will think?
Manny: A passerby likened me to a tennis ball.
Claire: And you can't hide in here until it grows out.
Manny: I ran the numbers. Even with inside-out wearings, I'd be out of underwear in three weeks.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Apparently, Joe shared the uplifting news that his friends could die at any minute.
Superman: Hey, so, I love what I do, but I feed off the energy of my audience. And if I'm not getting a lot back, it's harder for me to forget I'm a 45-year-old classically trained actor in a body sock and a cape that doubles as a curtain in my van. So, I'm gonna go.

Quote from Joe

Gloria: Joe, come here. We need to talk again about the thing.
Joe: I think I'm just gonna go to bed.
Jay: Hold on. It's true we all die sometime. But someone like you, so young, is gonna live a long, long, long time. Yeah, and the thing is, knowing we're gonna die some day can be a good thing. Because it reminds us to appreciate every minute that we're around.
Joe: [sighs]
Gloria: It's hitting you hard, isn't it?
Joe: It feels like I'm never going to laugh again.
Jay: But that's natural. This is a pretty adult thing you're dealing with here. In fact, I'd be worried about you if you weren't walking underneath a cloud for a few days. And eventually...
Manny: Hey!
Joe: [laughs while pointing at Manny's hair]

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Hey. You, me, bedroom. I got the Syrah and I want to do something Syr-wrong.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam, you're not dying!
Cameron: We don't know that I'm not! I-I had a cousin that died at my age from a genetic condition, and it runs on my mom's side of the family. And if you have those two genes, you're at risk. That's why I've been acting crazy all day.
Mitchell: Well, then, take a test to make sure you don't have that pair of mom genes.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, honey, I'm I'm so sorry you've been going through this by yourself. Hey. Hey, let's look at the results together, okay?
Cameron: Really?
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: Okay, here goes. Oh, thank God.
Mitchell: You're okay?
Cameron: No, my Etsy order shipped.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Oh, no. I'm in heaven.
Claire: No. No, you're not. Not yet. You made it. And just so you know, Surgery Bear was here and scrubbed in for the whole procedure.
Phil: That's pretty dangerous. He's a women's studies professor. Besides, the only thing I really needed was my neck pillow.
Claire: What?
Phil: I knew if you didn't have something to keep you busy, you'd worry all day.
Claire: Aww, honey. You really do know me.

Quote from Phil

I'm glad you woke up when you did. You almost slept through the second Saturday in January.
Phil: Why would you put it like that?
Jay: [bell dings] Hear ye, hear ye! I hereby declare the opening of the first annual Dunphy Games hospital edition. Tests of strength, chance and cunning. With the winner receiving the coveted Dunphy chalice. To our champion, Mitchell! Extinguish the torch. And that concludes the first Dunphy Games.
Phil: Uh, Wi-Wi-Winter Dunphy Games. We'll see you all again July 9 for the Summer-
Jay: Take the win, Phil.


 Episode 911 Episode 913