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50Quotes from ‘Hit and Run’

Modern Family: Hit and Run

305. Hit and Run

Aired October 12, 2011

When Claire decides to run for town council, Phil takes on more parenting duties with disastrous results. Mitch and Cameron disagree over what to do following a minor hit-and-run incident. Meanwhile, Jay struggles to bring the "wow factor" when he pitches his closets to a young property developer.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Uh, this stupid kid's been in the business about ten minutes. He barely looks at my proposal, and he says he wants more "Wow."
Gloria: What does he mean by more "Wow"?
Manny: It's the "Bieber-ization" of America.
Jay: What do beavers have to do with anything?
Gloria: The beavers, they build the dams all over the country so there's no floods, is the "Beaver-ization" of the Americas.
Manny: I'm finding there's less and less we can talk about.

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Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I'll admit it. I'm turned on by powerful women: Michelle Obama, Oprah, Condoleezza Rice, Serena Williams... Wait a minute.

Quote from Luke

Cameron: Okay, let me ask you something. Today, at a stoplight, a guy ran into our car, and then just took off. I wanted to chase after him. Mitchell-
Mitchell: Kept a level head and called the police.
Luke: Pfft. Police. Aren't they too busy winning the war on drugs?

Quote from Luke

Haley: Please. It's really important.
Luke: Look, I'd love to help you out, but I'm not very liquid right now.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: It's in a block of ice. I got the idea when I heard about rich guys with frozen assets. [chuckles] Assets.

Quote from Phil

Claire: How would this work? I mean, who would be here for the kids after school? Who would take them to practice and recitals and keep them from burning the house down?
Phil: It must be so hard being a single mom. Claire, I will. If you wanna fly, I'm not gonna hold your feet to the ground. I wanna be the one to push you off the cliff.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Okay. I'm gonna tell you a story about a little girl who entered a beauty pageant, even though she was very, very scared that she was going to lose.
Claire: Let me guess. You won.
Gloria: Of course I won, but I was talking about my cousin Maria Conchita. She had a nose like a toucan, she stuffed her body in this bikini, and at the end, she finished dead last.
Claire: How is that a good story?
Gloria: Because she faced her fears, and it didn't kill her. What killed her two weeks later was a bus.
Claire: Are you serious?
Gloria: Yes, because she couldn't see anything coming with that big nose.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: We never needed fake I.D.s on the farm. We figured if a 16-year-old could drive a tractor, he could drink a beer. Not at the same time, of course. It's Missouri, not Texas.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I used a fake I.D. to get into an "R"-rated movie, "The Fabulous Baker Boys." I found the title to be misleading. Lot of Michelle Pfeiffer, that's all I'm saying.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [on the phone] I'm running late. This knucklehead's kept me waiting for over an hour. I never had to wait like this when his dad was running things.
Gloria: Yeah. And soda was a nickel. Just tell them that your family is coming over.
Jay: This guy fired his own father. He's not gonna care about my family.
Gloria: Okay, then just leave. You don't need his money.
Jay: Once a week, I have eight family members coming to my house for free food. I'm not going anywhere.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Are you okay? What is wrong?
Manny: I want to be homeschooled.
Gloria: Really, Manny? Do you want me to learn you English?

Quote from Manny

Manny: I have a big report due, and the teachers don't seem to care about the substance. All they care about is the flash.
Gloria: Manny, sometimes you can be a little bit old-fashioned. Remember the first time you saw the kids with the backpacks with wheels and you thought they were too flashy?
Manny: You're going to school, not boarding a flight to Denver. It's getting absurd. Reuben freestyle-rapped his report on Irish immigrants. That doesn't even make sense. Maybe you do a Riverdance. Maybe.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: What is your report on?
Manny: The mafia.
Gloria: Perfect. We do a papier-mache Tommy gun.
Manny: Oh, no. We shouldn't have to jazz it up.
Gloria: Okay, then we go upstairs and we get your old rocking horse and we chop the head off.
Manny: No, that's a terrible idea. I love Brownie!
Gloria: Do you want to send a message or not?

Quote from Jay

Josh: So I flipped through your proposal, and here's the thing. We're about to build our largest luxury condo complex yet. And I have an important question for you. What is it you want to build?
Jay: Closets.
Josh: See, I was kinda hoping you'd say "dreams."
Jay: I thought that was implied.
Josh: Jay, I'm looking for closets nobody's ever seen before, you know, a big "wow!" You know what I'm saying?
Jay: You want a nice closet with sharp design, quality materials, and expert craftsmanship.
Josh: Uh, I mean, I want it to be like, bam! You know, people are gonna walk in there and go, "whoa! What do I hang first?"
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I wanted to hang myself.

Quote from Luke

Haley: Do you have any money saved up?
Luke: I'm comfortable.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: I've saved $1,217. It wasn't even that hard.
[flashback:]
Claire: Don't forget your lunch.
Luke: Thanks, mom.
Phil: Don't forget your lunch money, buddy.
Luke: Thanks, dad.

Quote from Gloria

Phil: We can't afford a scandal right now. Claire's running for town council.
Claire: That was before, when I thought you could take care of the children. I take my eye off the ball for one minute, and I've got one in a coma, one with a black eye, and one running a crime ring.
Gloria: Well, to be fair, Haley started her crime ring when your eye was still on the ball.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: In my country, it is tradition, when the men are out seeking vengeance, the women, they stay home, and they drink.
Claire: Sometimes I think you just make this stuff up.
Gloria: Do you want a drink or not?
Claire: Oh, yeah.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Okay, we have big news. Claire has decided to run for mayor after all.
Claire: Thank you, but it's town council.
Gloria: It doesn't matter. You're not going to win anyways. But she's going to be okay. You see? I help the people. Why don't you two let me help you?
Manny: Well, I can't speak for Jay, but I guess I'm just too proud to ask for help.
Jay: Are you serious? She cuts your steak.


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