Phil: [aside to camera] I'll admit it. I'm turned on by powerful women: Michelle Obama, Oprah, Condoleezza Rice, Serena Williams... Wait a minute.

Jay: Uh, this stupid kid's been in the business about ten minutes. He barely looks at my proposal, and he says he wants more "Wow."
Gloria: What does he mean by more "Wow"?
Manny: It's the "Bieber-ization" of America.
Jay: What do beavers have to do with anything?
Gloria: The beavers, they build the dams all over the country so there's no floods, is the "Beaver-ization" of the Americas.
Manny: I'm finding there's less and less we can talk about.

Cameron: Okay, let me ask you something. Today, at a stoplight, a guy ran into our car, and then just took off. I wanted to chase after him. Mitchell-
Mitchell: Kept a level head and called the police.
Luke: Pfft. Police. Aren't they too busy winning the war on drugs?

Haley: Please. It's really important.
Luke: Look, I'd love to help you out, but I'm not very liquid right now.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: It's in a block of ice. I got the idea when I heard about rich guys with frozen assets. [chuckles] Assets.

Claire: How would this work? I mean, who would be here for the kids after school? Who would take them to practice and recitals and keep them from burning the house down?
Phil: It must be so hard being a single mom. Claire, I will. If you wanna fly, I'm not gonna hold your feet to the ground. I wanna be the one to push you off the cliff.

Gloria: Okay. I'm gonna tell you a story about a little girl who entered a beauty pageant, even though she was very, very scared that she was going to lose.
Claire: Let me guess. You won.
Gloria: Of course I won, but I was talking about my cousin Maria Conchita. She had a nose like a toucan, she stuffed her body in this bikini, and at the end, she finished dead last.
Claire: How is that a good story?
Gloria: Because she faced her fears, and it didn't kill her. What killed her two weeks later was a bus.
Claire: Are you serious?
Gloria: Yes, because she couldn't see anything coming with that big nose.

Cameron: We never needed fake I.D.s on the farm. We figured if a 16-year-old could drive a tractor, he could drink a beer. Not at the same time, of course. It's Missouri, not Texas.

Mitchell: I used a fake I.D. to get into an "R"-rated movie, "The Fabulous Baker Boys." I found the title to be misleading. Lot of Michelle Pfeiffer, that's all I'm saying.

Jay: [on the phone] I'm running late. This knucklehead's kept me waiting for over an hour. I never had to wait like this when his dad was running things.
Gloria: Yeah. And soda was a nickel. Just tell them that your family is coming over.
Jay: This guy fired his own father. He's not gonna care about my family.
Gloria: Okay, then just leave. You don't need his money.
Jay: Once a week, I have eight family members coming to my house for free food. I'm not going anywhere.

Gloria: Are you okay? What is wrong?
Manny: I want to be homeschooled.
Gloria: Really, Manny? Do you want me to learn you English?