Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Spuds’ Quotes

Modern Family: Spuds

1114. Spuds

Aired February 19, 2020

Phil and Claire take Haley and Dylan to dinner to reassure them they are not bad parents. While out to dinner, they run into Mitch and Cam who are chaperoning Lily’s first date, as well as Jay and Gloria after attending Joe’s school play.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: It still haunts her. Not to be weird, but she still won't let me mention your names while we're making love.

Rate

Quote from Jay

Jay: I hate it when they get cute with the bathroom signs. Why would French fries mean ladies and baked potato gents? Just throw one of them into a skirt.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [on the phone] Gloria, we are so sorry, but we're not gonna be able to make it to Joe's play. No, no, Ronaldo's mom, she had... well, she had emergency surgery, and, uh, he and Pepper dropped off their Great Danes to our place with no warning. [barks] No! No, stay away from that! Not the vase! [smashes vase] Sorry, Gloria. I gotta go. [hangs up]
Mitchell: You couldn't just say you had a cold?
Cameron: Oh, yeah, and Abe Lincoln, he could've said, "87 years ago," and Hamlet could've said, "Maybe I'll kill myself." No, it's the finishing touches that separate the merely good from great, Mitchell!

Quote from Haley

Claire: Are you still talking about that crazy movie?
Haley: Well, it messed them up! We took them to the park. Swing set... bored. Cute squirrels... snore. Then an old lady walking her poodle trips and gets dragged through a rosebush, and these two burst out laughing like two stoners in a tickle fight.
Claire: I'm sure you're both overreacting the way all new parents do.
Haley: No, Mom, we're screwing this up. At the very least, we need help, like... like an au pair or something. That's two nannies, right?
Dylan: Correct.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, God. Lily needs my help. [brays]
Cameron: What the hell are you doing?
Mitchell: I'm... I'm trying to get her to tell that funny donkey story.
Cameron: By making an Eeyore sound? You know what? Not all donkeys are depressed. That's an offensive stereotype perpetuated by a bunch of ignorant Iowans.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I'd been following Cam's competitor for the coaching spot on Instagram, and... ...he beat Cam out for the job, which meant, any minute, Cam would be getting the devastating news himself. And I-I-I couldn't rely on the joyful environment of Spuds to cushion the blow. Although, it is famously where Larry King broke up with four of his wives.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam. Cam. I-I-I just got some bad news, and I think it's best that you hear it from me.
Cameron: Oh, I heard. They're out of the Impossible Potato. Now, I'm sorry, you advertise the first potato made entirely of meat, ya better have enough for everyone.

Quote from Dylan

Cameron: Sounds like somebody's nervous about a possible move to Missouri.
Mitchell: No, I'm... I'm just pointing out that there are a lot of really great things here. Like... Like, wouldn't it be a shame to cut that blossoming relationship short? [points to Lily and her date]
Dylan: Actually, I'm not so sure how much I trust that Randy guy. I mean, what kind of sicko is attracted to a 12-year-old?

Quote from Haley

Haley: I wonder if his parents messed him up, too. You know, I read on a mommy blog that bad parenting is a direct link to future criminality... and deejaying.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Sorry. I forgot how that story ended.
Mitchell: It ended with us in the ER of one of the best hospitals in the world. Nice having that only a mile away.
Cameron: I'll have you know that the life expectancy in Missouri just climbed above Arkansas and Guam.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I see your cold is better.
Claire: Turns out it was, like, an allergy... thing.
Gloria: And Pepper's Great Danes?
Cameron: Oh, uh, well, you know, they're big dogs. They... um, and they don't, uh, uh, live long. So they're... they're dead.
Gloria: I must look like Frederick Seward during the Alaska Purchase, because, apparently, you think that I'll buy anything.
Mitchell: Gloria, okay, okay. We're s... We're sorry... We're sorry we lied to you, but if it makes you feel any better, Longinus took this really great photo of you at the Shakira concert the night that you missed Lily's clarinet recital because of pink eye.
Gloria: Ohh! I see that you've been waiting to spring that attack on me, just like Andrew Jackson in the Battle of New Orleans.
Jay: Is this my life now?

Quote from Jay

Jay: You know, Randy, you remind me of a young me, prowling Saigon with a Vietnamese beauty. There was this one bar I used to...
Gloria: Let's go. Let's get you some black coffee.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Well, what happened? Did he come back?
Phil: That... That was you, buddy.
Jay: I love this kid. I remember when he was a baby. [laughs]
Dylan: We met my senior year of high school. Who does everyone think I am?

Quote from Jay

Jay: You know, it's... Thing about babies, you... you fall in love with a baby with the cutest little fat folds, and then... bam... they're gone. But it's okay, because in its place is this... toddler with the greatest laugh on Earth. And then one day, the toddler's gone, and in its place, a little kid that asks the most interesting questions you've ever heard. And this keeps going on like that, but you never get the chance to miss any of them, 'cause there's always a new kid to take the place of the old. Until they grow up. And then... in a moment, all those kids you fell in love with walk out the door at the same time.
Waitress: Jesus.
Jay: Oh, I don't mean to be a bummer. I'm just saying it goes fast. Like the expression... "You never know the last time you pick up your kid."

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Well, now, there's a small victory at least, right? First date was a success, and we get an assist. S... Uh, sorry... football term.
Cameron: Eh, except it isn't.

Quote from Jay

Jay: It's probably good to be emotional every now and then. I should probably practice letting it out without a pill. [to Joe] Hey, I was proud of you in that show you did. I love you!
Joe: I know. We had this conversation four times last night.
Jay: Really?
Gloria: Um, maybe you should check your call history.
Jay: Oh, no.
[elsewhere, Phil plays a message on his answer phone:]
Jay: [on Phil's phone] You inspire me. And I think I'm rude to you sometimes because I'm scared of that, Phil. This is a long way of saying... [voice breaking] I think I finally have a best friend. You inspire me. And I think I'm rude to you somet...


 Episode 1113 Episode 1115 
  Select another episode