Jay: You know, it's... Thing about babies, you... you fall in love with a baby with the cutest little fat folds, and then... bam... they're gone. But it's okay, because in its place is this... toddler with the greatest laugh on Earth. And then one day, the toddler's gone, and in its place, a little kid that asks the most interesting questions you've ever heard. And this keeps going on like that, but you never get the chance to miss any of them, 'cause there's always a new kid to take the place of the old. Until they grow up. And then... in a moment, all those kids you fell in love with walk out the door at the same time.
Waitress: Jesus.
Jay: Oh, I don't mean to be a bummer. I'm just saying it goes fast. Like the expression... "You never know the last time you pick up your kid."

Dylan: It still haunts her. Not to be weird, but she still won't let me mention your names while we're making love.

Jay: I hate it when they get cute with the bathroom signs. Why would French fries mean ladies and baked potato gents? Just throw one of them into a skirt.

Mitchell: So, uh, Dad, Gloria says that you won't take pills for your back?
Jay: I got to get this from all sides now? I don't like what they do to me, alright? They make me feel super...
Dylan: Horny? Constipated?
Jay: Emotional. You know, sometimes you can just ride out a pause, buddy. Anyway, the pain got so bad, I broke down. I took a couple in the men's room, which is the maximum dose, so strap in. You know, I'm gonna miss this place. Look, Spuddy Holly! He just about said it all, didn't he? "Scalloped, fried, lyonnaise. [voice breaking] Spuds' potatoes do amaze."

Cameron: [on the phone] Gloria, we are so sorry, but we're not gonna be able to make it to Joe's play. No, no, Ronaldo's mom, she had... well, she had emergency surgery, and, uh, he and Pepper dropped off their Great Danes to our place with no warning. [barks] No! No, stay away from that! Not the vase! [smashes vase] Sorry, Gloria. I gotta go. [hangs up]
Mitchell: You couldn't just say you had a cold?
Cameron: Oh, yeah, and Abe Lincoln, he could've said, "87 years ago," and Hamlet could've said, "Maybe I'll kill myself." No, it's the finishing touches that separate the merely good from great, Mitchell!

Claire: Are you still talking about that crazy movie?
Haley: Well, it messed them up! We took them to the park. Swing set... bored. Cute squirrels... snore. Then an old lady walking her poodle trips and gets dragged through a rosebush, and these two burst out laughing like two stoners in a tickle fight.
Claire: I'm sure you're both overreacting the way all new parents do.
Haley: No, Mom, we're screwing this up. At the very least, we need help, like... like an au pair or something. That's two nannies, right?
Dylan: Correct.

Mitchell: Oh, God. Lily needs my help. [brays]
Cameron: What the hell are you doing?
Mitchell: I'm... I'm trying to get her to tell that funny donkey story.
Cameron: By making an Eeyore sound? You know what? Not all donkeys are depressed. That's an offensive stereotype perpetuated by a bunch of ignorant Iowans.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I'd been following Cam's competitor for the coaching spot on Instagram, and... ...he beat Cam out for the job, which meant, any minute, Cam would be getting the devastating news himself. And I-I-I couldn't rely on the joyful environment of Spuds to cushion the blow. Although, it is famously where Larry King broke up with four of his wives.

Mitchell: Cam. Cam. I-I-I just got some bad news, and I think it's best that you hear it from me.
Cameron: Oh, I heard. They're out of the Impossible Potato. Now, I'm sorry, you advertise the first potato made entirely of meat, ya better have enough for everyone.

Cameron: Sounds like somebody's nervous about a possible move to Missouri.
Mitchell: No, I'm... I'm just pointing out that there are a lot of really great things here. Like... Like, wouldn't it be a shame to cut that blossoming relationship short? [points to Lily and her date]
Dylan: Actually, I'm not so sure how much I trust that Randy guy. I mean, what kind of sicko is attracted to a 12-year-old?