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‘Spuds’ Quotes Page 1 of 5    

Modern Family: Spuds

1114. Spuds

Aired February 19, 2020

Phil and Claire take Haley and Dylan to dinner to reassure them they are not bad parents. While out to dinner, they run into Mitch and Cam who are chaperoning Lily’s first date, as well as Jay and Gloria after attending Joe’s school play.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: It still haunts her. Not to be weird, but she still won't let me mention your names while we're making love.

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Quote from Jay

Jay: I hate it when they get cute with the bathroom signs. Why would French fries mean ladies and baked potato gents? Just throw one of them into a skirt.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: So, uh, Dad, Gloria says that you won't take pills for your back?
Jay: I got to get this from all sides now? I don't like what they do to me, alright? They make me feel super...
Dylan: Horny? Constipated?
Jay: Emotional. You know, sometimes you can just ride out a pause, buddy. Anyway, the pain got so bad, I broke down. I took a couple in the men's room, which is the maximum dose, so strap in. You know, I'm gonna miss this place. Look, Spuddy Holly! He just about said it all, didn't he? "Scalloped, fried, lyonnaise. [voice breaking] Spuds' potatoes do amaze."

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [on the phone] Gloria, we are so sorry, but we're not gonna be able to make it to Joe's play. No, no, Ronaldo's mom, she had... well, she had emergency surgery, and, uh, he and Pepper dropped off their Great Danes to our place with no warning. [barks] No! No, stay away from that! Not the vase! [smashes vase] Sorry, Gloria. I gotta go. [hangs up]
Mitchell: You couldn't just say you had a cold?
Cameron: Oh, yeah, and Abe Lincoln, he could've said, "87 years ago," and Hamlet could've said, "Maybe I'll kill myself." No, it's the finishing touches that separate the merely good from great, Mitchell!

Quote from Haley

Claire: Are you still talking about that crazy movie?
Haley: Well, it messed them up! We took them to the park. Swing set... bored. Cute squirrels... snore. Then an old lady walking her poodle trips and gets dragged through a rosebush, and these two burst out laughing like two stoners in a tickle fight.
Claire: I'm sure you're both overreacting the way all new parents do.
Haley: No, Mom, we're screwing this up. At the very least, we need help, like... like an au pair or something. That's two nannies, right?
Dylan: Correct.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, God. Lily needs my help. [brays]
Cameron: What the hell are you doing?
Mitchell: I'm... I'm trying to get her to tell that funny donkey story.
Cameron: By making an Eeyore sound? You know what? Not all donkeys are depressed. That's an offensive stereotype perpetuated by a bunch of ignorant Iowans.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I'd been following Cam's competitor for the coaching spot on Instagram, and... ...he beat Cam out for the job, which meant, any minute, Cam would be getting the devastating news himself. And I-I-I couldn't rely on the joyful environment of Spuds to cushion the blow. Although, it is famously where Larry King broke up with four of his wives.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam. Cam. I-I-I just got some bad news, and I think it's best that you hear it from me.
Cameron: Oh, I heard. They're out of the Impossible Potato. Now, I'm sorry, you advertise the first potato made entirely of meat, ya better have enough for everyone.

Quote from Dylan

Cameron: Sounds like somebody's nervous about a possible move to Missouri.
Mitchell: No, I'm... I'm just pointing out that there are a lot of really great things here. Like... Like, wouldn't it be a shame to cut that blossoming relationship short? [points to Lily and her date]
Dylan: Actually, I'm not so sure how much I trust that Randy guy. I mean, what kind of sicko is attracted to a 12-year-old?

Quote from Haley

Haley: I wonder if his parents messed him up, too. You know, I read on a mommy blog that bad parenting is a direct link to future criminality... and deejaying.

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