[asides to camera:]
Alex: What's the most irritating thing my parents say to me?
Manny: "That's too much cologne."
Haley: "That's how girls end up dead."
Luke: "Don't talk black to me."
Manny: "It's inappropriate because she's your teacher."
Luke: How do you even talk black? End words with 'izzle'?
Alex: [o.s.] It's "talk back," you idiot.
Luke: Oh.

Phil: Luke, buddy, hold back a sec. This is not gonna happen, okay, but there is a scenario where you could be the man of the house and you need to know all the PIN numbers and passwords.
Luke: I don't wanna be the man of the house.
Phil: Now, don't talk black to me.

Phil: Okay, kids, gather around. Like you're hugging me, but don't touch me, okay? Now look, I'm gonna be fine.
Alex: We know, Dad.
Phil: We don't know that. It's a miracle I'm standing up. But look, in case anything happens- [groans, exhales] I want you to know that if I'd had time, I would have fixed that step.

Phil: [aside to camera] I was already fine with it. Here's the deal: Claire messed up. She owed me. This never happens. Old Phil has a golden ticket. Now, I could have cashed that in right away for something small- get out of cleaning the garage, a week at circus camp. But the longer you hold on to it, the more the guilt builds, the more you get. Five years: Trip to Paris with my buddies. Ten years: Sweet little convertible. Twenty years: Hello, fully articulating, five-function robot that can read my mind and has feelings.

Jay: [aside to camera] I don't like the guy. Do I have reasons? Yeah. Good reasons? Yeah. How many reasons do I need? None. I don't like the guy.

Javier: Now, listen to me. You bring that with you when you come visit me this summer. We'll go in a race car with my friend, and after that, maybe a bullfight. I know all these guys. The matadors, they're like artists.
Jay: You're quite the bullfight artist yourself.

Javier: Hey, Jay. Listen, I'm sorry. Did I wake you up?
Jay: No. No, I'm a light sleeper. That's what happens when you get older.
Javier: Oh, you're not old.
Jay: I didn't say I was old.
Javier: I never sleep much anyway. Life is just more interesting after 2:00 a.m. You know, the liquor tastes better, the, uh, women are more beautiful. What is it they say? That the night belongs to the poets and the madmen.
Jay: Which are you?
Javier: Perhaps both.

Claire: Sweetie, you okay?
Phil: Little twinge.
Haley: I'll call 911.
Alex: Maybe the firemen will come.
Phil: No, no! No, no!
Alex: Give me it!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: The firemen in our town have a reputation for being hot. Do I resent that? Of course not. These guys are my friends. I play basketball with them. I bake for 'em. My question is: What's hot?

Mitchell: No, no. You got up to comfort her, which only teaches her that every time she cries, her daddy will come in and cuddle her and put on her favorite-
Cameron: What are we watching? Brian De Palma's controversial masterpiece Scarface.
Mitchell: For the baby?
Cameron: She happens to like it. I don't know if it's the colors or the sounds- Oh, here comes the nightclub massacre. She loves it. Watch her little eyelids. It's so cute. They get so heavy.

Claire: I bet it's just a kidney stone.
Phil: "Just" again. Someone get your mom a glass of water and a piece of gravel from the driveway and see how she likes it.