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‘Up All Night’ Quotes

Modern Family: Up All Night

111. Up All Night

Aired January 6, 2010

When Manny's father comes to town, Jay falls for Javier's charm despite his initial misgivings. When Phil needs to go to the hospital because of a case of kidney stones, Claire dresses up to impress the firemen. Meanwhile, Cameron and Mitchel disagree over how to respond to Lily's crying.

Quote from Luke

[asides to camera:]
Alex: What's the most irritating thing my parents say to me?
Manny: "That's too much cologne."
Haley: "That's how girls end up dead."
Luke: "Don't talk black to me."
Manny: "It's inappropriate because she's your teacher."
Luke: "How do you even talk black? End words with 'izzle'"?
Alex: [o.s.] It's "talk back," you idiot.
Luke: Oh.

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Quote from Phil

Phil: Luke, buddy, hold back a sec. This is not gonna happen, okay, but there is a scenario where you could be the man of the house and you need to know all the PIN numbers and passwords.
Luke: I don't wanna be the man of the house.
Phil: Now, don't talk black to me.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay, kids, gather around. Like you're hugging me, but don't touch me, okay? Now look, I'm gonna be fine.
Alex: We know, Dad.
Phil: We don't know that. It's a miracle I'm standing up. But look, in case anything happens- [groans, exhales] I want you to know that if I'd had time, I would have fixed that step.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I was already fine with it. Here's the deal: Claire messed up. She owed me. This never happens. Old Phil has a golden ticket. Now, I could have cashed that in right away for something small- get out of cleaning the garage, a week at circus camp. But the longer you hold on to it, the more the guilt builds, the more you get. Five years: Trip to Paris with my buddies. Ten years: Sweet little convertible. Twenty years: Hello, fully articulating, five-function robot that can read my mind and has feelings.

Quote from Jay

Javier: Now, listen to me. You bring that with you when you come visit me this summer. We'll go in a race car with my friend, and after that, maybe a bullfight. I know all these guys. The matadors, they're like artists.
Jay: You're quite the bullfight artist yourself.

Quote from Javier

Javier: Hey, Jay. Listen, I'm sorry. Did I wake you up?
Jay: No. No, I'm a light sleeper. That's what happens when you get older.
Javier: Oh, you're not old.
Jay: I didn't say I was old.
Javier: I never sleep much anyway. Life is just more interesting after 2:00 a.m. You know, the liquor tastes better, the, uh, women are more beautiful. What is it they say? That the night belongs to the poets and the madmen.
Jay: Which are you?
Javier: Perhaps both.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Sweetie, you okay?
Phil: Little twinge.
Haley: I'll call 911.
Alex: Maybe the firemen will come.
Phil: No, no! No, no!
Alex: Give me it!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: The firemen in our town have a reputation for being hot. Do I resent that? Of course not. These guys are my friends. I play basketball with them. I bake for 'em. My question is: What's hot?

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I don't like the guy. Do I have reasons? Yeah. Good reasons? Yeah. How many reasons do I need? None. I don't like the guy.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: No, no. You got up to comfort her, which only teaches her that every time she cries, her daddy will come in and cuddle her and put on her favorite-
Cameron: What are we watching? Brian De Palma's controversial masterpiece Scarface.
Mitchell: For the baby?
Cameron: She happens to like it. I don't know if it's the colors or the sounds- Oh, here comes the nightclub massacre. She loves it. Watch her little eyelids. It's so cute. They get so heavy.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I bet it's just a kidney stone.
Phil: "Just" again. Someone get your mom a glass of water and a piece of gravel from the driveway and see how she likes it.

Quote from Phil

Luke: What are they doing to you, Dad?
Phil: I have a little scratchy rock inside of me and they're sliding in a tube and sucking it out.
Luke: You're not scared, are you?
Phil: When was the last time you saw your old man scared?
Luke: When you walked through the spiderweb. When we were playing with the Ouija board and the wind blew the door shut.
Phil: There was no wind, buddy. We brought something forth. Oh. This stuff's really hitting me. My insides feel like velvet.

Quote from Gloria

Javier: Well, listen, you said you used to like riding motorcycles, right? So I brought you one.
Jay: I know. But I kind of got work-
Javier: [scoffs] Work.
Manny: Go, Jay.
Javier: Yeah, go.
Gloria: Yes, go, Jay, and take Manny with you too!
Manny: Okay.
Gloria: No, Manuel Alberto! In the car or I put you in the trunk!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Raccoons slipped into the Lawsons' home and stole a loaf of bread.
Mitchell: Your point?
Cameron: That we left Lily's window open a crack, and those raccoons need something to put between that bread, and that is Lily's "help me" cry. I'm coming for you, Lily!


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