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45Quotes from ‘Strangers in the Night’

Modern Family: Strangers in the Night

609. Strangers in the Night

Aired December 3, 2014

After Alex tells her parents she has a boyfriend, who they never seem to catch, they start to believe she has made him up. Gloria agrees to attend a dog birthday party after Jay agrees a picnic for a group of Colombians who are receiving their green cards, but Jay has a plan to get out of his side of the bargain. Mitchell and Cameron take great care to keep their luxury white couch in pristine condition, but they didn't plan on playing host to Mitchell's distressed co-worker.

Quote from Lily

Lily: So, Larry's allowed to sit on the couch and I'm not?
Cameron: Well, Larry is white.
Lily: Hey, you chose me!
Cameron: Oh, uh, that's not what I meant.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, okay, go around the back.
Mitchell: What am I doing? What am I doing?
Cameron: We'll get this underneath her. Once, I helped a sow give birth to nine baby piglets on our living room floor. Didn't get a drop of nothin' on the linoleum.
Mitchell: We're gonna get back to why the sow was in the living room.
Cameron: Lady Di's wedding. It was beautiful.

Quote from Phil

Alex: So they can only be for Haley?
Phil: Of course not. Haley isn't the only hottie living here. I washed the car in my cheer shorts the other day. I definitely felt eyes on me.

Quote from Cameron

Brenda: God, where were you when I was looking for the perfect man?
Cameron: Well, probably in Missouri at a bar called Kansas City Meats doing the same thing.
Brenda: Funny!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Manny, we won't be late. I left dinner for you and Joe, but don't eat the deviled eggs that are in the refrigerator because they're for tomorrow's picnic.
Manny: What picnic? Somebody's cat going to college?
Jay: No, some of Gloria's friends are getting their green cards. It's actually a nice group.
Gloria: Yes, they're very decent, hardworking people. Jay met them at Mirabelle's fake wedding.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Makes me wonder what else she's making up. I have never met that girl she tutors in math.
Phil: Esther Choi? Me neither.
Claire: Because she doesn't exist! There is not an Esther Choi on earth who needs math tutoring.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Maybe it's not a guy who's in love with Haley.
Alex: Oh, thank you.
Luke: Maybe it's a guy who's obsessed with Haley and is getting plastic surgery to look like her so he can replace her and live her life.
Claire: Luke.

Quote from Haley

Phil: This is sad. Alex has great news and her own mother and sister don't believe her?
Claire: I want to.
Phil: Well, I do believe her. I'm gonna tell her to invite this boyfriend over for dinner, and I'll be serving a big, old platter of "I told you so."
Haley: Oh, great. Maybe you could also serve unicorn burgers and magic beans, and I'll invite my boyfriend, Bigfoot!
Claire: Still better than Dylan.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Okay. I got a surprise for you.
Lily: It better not be another baby.

Quote from Manny

Jay: But now that I got you here, what do you think?
Manny: That you wore cargo shorts to my middle-school graduation, but you're putting on a bow tie for some dog's birthday party.
Jay: It's all good fun. The Birnbaums can't have kids. They like to do it up big for Buster.
Manny: I had my fifth birthday in a break room of a Der Wienerschnitzel, but good for Buster.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Why are you so cranky?
Manny: This kid at school ripped me off for 40 bucks in a pyramid scheme.
Jay: Did this have something to do with that broken plastic pyramid on your dresser?
Manny: It looked like marble in the picture.
Jay: Oh, man. Where were you when I was growing up? I'd have had your dice and cigarettes before you got to homeroom.
Manny: Where'd you go to school, "Guys and Dolls"?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Bark Mitzvah. What a concept. Beagles and lox, dog briskets. Whoever's in charge of the wordplay, bravo.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Alec.
[aside to camera:]
Alex: His dumb dad got transferred to dumb Africa to operate on some dumb babies. So fixing their hearts is worth breaking mine?
[back:]
Alec: It's kind of worth it. He can do like six operations a day.
Alex: Yeah. I-I-I understand. I'm sorry I'm lashing out. I-I just really like you.
Alec: I still like you.
Alex: You're making this worse.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Why are you home?
Gloria: Buster's party was a Bark Mitzvah. I don't know why Jay would take me to this place.
Manny: I don't know. Maybe this dog stuff is his way of trying to find a common interest with you. It's hard. You don't like golf or scotch or Eisenhower documentaries.
Gloria: It's true. I don't like Ike. But the people in this party, they are so obsessed with dogs. Even the punch bowl was in the shape of a toilet.
Manny: Well, it's not like Jay doesn't get out of his comfort zone for you. He's going to your green-card picnic tomorrow.
Gloria: You're right. He even bought star-spangled sombreros for everybody. It's the wrong country. He never listens, but... But he's sweet.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam, are we terrible people?
Cameron: For protecting a Vanderkoff? He hanged himself last year. It's not like they're making more of those.
Mitchell: We just rolled a bipolar divorcee face-first onto a hardwood floor. All to protect a couch.
Cameron: It's not just a couch. Our one nice thing. The last seven years have been about sticky countertops and horsy shower curtains and childproof locks. Do you know what's in this drawer? I don't know what's in this drawer.

Quote from Manny

Jay: So, today, instead of watching the game, I'll be playing lawn darts with Colombians, thanks to you not using your brain.
Manny: Here we go, "The Sting."
Jay: Well, someone's getting what they want today. You finally get to watch your precious movie, huh?
Manny: "A classic tale about a long con."
Jay: Well, you're welcome. Wait a minute.
Manny: "Rogues and double-crossers abound. Who will outsmart whom?"
Jay: Son of a bitch. You knew I was using the Bark Mitzvah as a bargaining chip. That's why you talked Gloria into coming back, so I couldn't weasel my way out of this stupid picnic and you'd get the big TV. Well, I'm onto you now.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: I was just reading off the DVD box.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Look what someone left in our mailbox, again.
Claire: Wait, that's like our fifth one, isn't it? It's getting kind of creepy.
Haley: Oh, relax. It's probably just from Victor, that flower-delivery guy I dated.
Claire: Who's Victor? We never heard about him.
Haley: Oh, because I knew you'd never let me go out with an ex-con.
Phil: Hey, maybe it's Dylan trying to win you back.
Claire: So, Victor, it's a closed door?

Quote from Luke

Alex: Has it ever occurred to you that those flowers could be for me?
Phil: What do you mean?
Alex: I mean, like, from my boyfriend.
Phil: What?
Claire: You have a boyfriend?
Luke: And you thought my thing was crazy.

Quote from Phil

Alex: Okay, I'll show you a photo. Well, I would, but now my phone's not working. Oh, here he is.
Phil: In the supermarket flyer?
Claire: That's him pondering the pork chops?
Phil: What's to ponder? They're $4.59 a pound.

Quote from Haley

Phil: Why would she do that?
Claire: Maybe she's upset that none of us thought those roses could be for her.
Haley: Oh, and remember when she couldn't get a date for homecoming? She said she didn't care, but I caught her crying in her room.
Claire: Oh, honey, what did you say to her?
Haley: Oh, I-I was super late, so I didn't really...

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] An Edgar Vanderkoff hand-crafted blanc de blanc sofa. It was a wedding gift to ourselves.
Mitchell: Plus, we're showing Lily that we trust her enough to let us have one nice thing.
Cameron: When you think about it like that, it's really a gift for Lily.
Mitchell: That's why we got her the couch.
Cameron: To teach her about respect.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, whoa. We only get on this couch when we know we're not dirty. Legs a little wider please. Is that a cookie in your back pocket?
Lily: Yep.
Cameron: Okay. Bup-up-up! Hey, nice and slow.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: How is this for the party? It's my first time meeting your dog-park friends.
Jay: Fantastic, but be careful, some of these guys are single in the group.
Gloria: What a surprise.

Quote from Gloria

Joe: Zooboo!
Manny: No, you've already watched "Zooboo" six times today. We're gonna watch a classic movie right here on the big screen.
Gloria: You better let him watch his show. If not, he's gonna freak out. Yesterday I turned it off, and he bit through one of the pool balls.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [on the phone] Hey, Cam. So, listen, you remember my- my new friend at work Brenda, right?
Cameron: Who?
Mitchell: That's right, the pretty one. Uh, so, she and her husband are- are going through some problems at home, and she was wondering if she might be able to stay at our house.
Cameron: Oh, my gosh. Yes, of course.
Mitchell: Oh, shoot and darn it! I thought we had something.
Cameron: Mitchell, I know what you're doing.
Mitchell: Ahh, there's no way we can reschedule, huh?
Cameron: Fight your instincts. This is a chance for you to show some real compassion.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [on the phone] I am being nice! Okay? I-I-I I talked to her. I- I asked her if there was anything I could do to help. But I- I didn't mean it. Nobody ever means it.
Cameron: Mitchell, you want this growth in your life. That's why you asked her. You're just scared.
Mitchell: No, no, it was a completely hollow offer and- Yeah, that- That's right. Okay, George and Wendy Hollowoffer. Dinner at 7:30. Okay, bye-bye.
Cameron: You need this, and I need something nice to write about you in our Christmas letter.
Mitchell: I love you, too. Goodbye.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Is this for dogs or for people?
Jay: I hope it's for people. I've had four of them. Are you having fun?
Gloria: Ay, yes. Before today, I had never seen a gravy fountain.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Listen. I-I know you're not a dog person.
Gloria: No, I'm okay with the dogs. I'm just not a dog-person person. You said that this party was going to be normal.
Jay: It's just fun.
Gloria: There's a buffet and an open bar for dogs. My cousin got married on a raft. I tried to play along, Jay, but-- but this is crazy. I have to go home.

Quote from Mitchell

Brenda: Who loves a thing more than a person?
Mitchell: A monster.
Cameron: Have we shown you our shed?
Mitchell: There's a shed.
Brenda: He knew what he was getting into when he married me. I'm a little messy. Well, guess what, Doug! Life's a little messy. Okay, my sinuses leak, my- my ears run, and I have hyperactive sweat glands, but... You know what? I do need a refill.
Mitchell: Yeah. Well, I'm not surprised. She's losing a lot of fluids.

Quote from Alex

Phil: So, honey, we've been talking, and we want to meet your boyfriend.
Alex: You just missed him.
Claire: He was here?
Alex: He just left. This is his cup.
Claire: Oh, look at that. Oh, it looks like "Alex."
Alex: His name is Alec. The "C" just got smudged.
Claire: Honey, his name is Alec. But the "C" got smudged.

Quote from Haley

Phil: Yeah, um, well, why don't you just text him and then invite him back for dinner?
Alex: I can't. He broke up with me.
Phil: Oh, no.
Alex: He's moving to Africa.
Claire: Because they need grocery models in Africa.
Phil: Honey, I'm so sorry. [to Haley] They broke up.
Alex: I miss him.
Haley: Oh, don't worry. Soon it will be like he never existed.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: What's going on with Joe?
Manny: He's a drug addict. After two hours of mind-liquefying "Zooboo," I briefly put on a classic movie, and he freaked out. If he could walk better, I'd seriously suggest a 12-step program.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: You know what? I should go back to that party. You guys want to come?
Manny: Might as well. They had a pretty good spread at Buster's bris.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, let's get this woman into bed and, in the morning, out of the house as fast as we can. Honestly, I don't know how straight guys do it.
Mitchell: Probably without those hand gestures.

Quote from Mitchell

Brenda: Hey, guys. Here's an idea. What if I just slept on your couch in the living room?
Cameron & Mitchell: Eh...
[cut to Brenda snoring in their bed:]
Mitchell: I'm shaking.
Cameron: Why? Problem solved.
Mitchell: No, she's making the whole house shake.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Hey, guys. You're back? What's going on?
Gloria: I'm sorry. I love you, and you love dog parties. So that means that I love dog parties.
Jay: You don't think it's crazy anymore?
Gloria: I didn't say that. But Manny's right. We should get more involved in each other's activities.
Jay: So, this was your idea?
Manny: Well, it's sort of the foundation of any healthy marriage, but I did bring it up.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I wanted her to leave!
Manny: What?
Jay: She was supposed to storm out of here. And after, I go home and say, "Maybe we should do some things separately." I was gonna use her bailing out of this as a chip to get out of that stupid picnic tomorrow. But now I've got no chip.
Manny: Hey, how about next time you devise a plan to avoid expressing a feeling, clue me in.
Jay: You can't be clued in. You're a patsy.
Manny: Hey, um, there was talk of an ice-cream bone?
Jay: I made that up, too. Use your head!

Quote from Phil

Claire: Hey, honey, you alone?
Alex: Do you see anyone else in here?
Phil: Do you?

Quote from Phil

Alex: Oh, my God. You guys don't think Alec is real?
Claire: Sweetheart, I remember the pressure there was to fit in in high school.
Phil: So do I. And whether you try to fit in by saying you fought a baby bear or by making up a boyfriend...

Quote from Alex

Alex: F.Y.I., I changed my Facebook status to "single" about an hour ago, and guess what. I already have a date. You don't believe me, do you?
Claire: Sweetheart, you've had two boyfriends in 30 seconds. That practically Haley's record.
Alex: Well, he's real. His name is Teddy.
Claire: [holding the teddy bear on Alex's bed] His name is... Teddy?
Alex: Yeah. Teddy Keyes. [Phil grabs the keys on Alex's dresser]
Claire: Oh. And what do we know about this young man?
Alex: He's new to our school. He works at some mattress store. Uh, Mattress King. And he's a bit of a bad boy. He had a little problem with shoplifting. He spent some time in juvie. But, you know, he's not really my type. He's just a rebound. So I guess it doesn't really matter. Why am I even talking to you guys? Leave! [Phil picks up a leaf from Alex's bedside table] Get out!

Quote from Phil

Claire: Did you see the look in her eyes? Like she believed everything she was saying.
Phil: That's terrifying. Like this guy I knew in college. He was always telling me about these "crazy parties" that were "full of women." But when I'd ask him where they were, he'd give me a fake address.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Yes! Our little girl isn't crazy! Teddy's real!
Claire: Real freaky!
Phil: I'm going!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: What do we do? Should we wake her up?
Cameron: And say what? "Would you mind terribly getting off our couch? You seem to be glazing it."

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Let's go, Jay! We're supposed to be at the picnic in 20 minutes!
Jay: They've been living in a van for six years. They can wait a little longer.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: I mean, can you believe all the stuff Brenda brought for one night?
Mitchell: I know. Look at all this stuff over here. Super replenishing balm? Uh, pore-reducing booster serum?
Cameron: Anti-aging buffing beads? It must be so hard to be a girl.
Mitchell: I know. I know. It really makes you worry about the world we're sending Lily out into.
Cameron: Well, there's so much pressure on girls to be perfect. You ready?
Mitchell: Yep. The thing is, Cam, all we can do is instill our beliefs in her and hope that she makes good choices.Calming mister?
Cameron: It does feel nice to talk about it.
Mitchell: No, this is a calming mister.


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