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54Quotes from ‘Crazy Train’

Modern Family: Crazy Train

721. Crazy Train

Aired May 11, 2016

Manny convinces the whole family to take the train as they head off to Dede's wedding. Jay is delighted that his ex-wife is moving on and his alimony payments will cease, but his enthusiasm could cost him. As Claire and Mitchell work on their toast, Phil and Cameron geek out over their favorite mystery author, who just happens to be working on his new book on the train. Meanwhile, Luke and Manny are hopeful they will be able to hook up with girls on the train, Alex falls for the romanticism of the train, Gloria gets stuck in coach, and Haley is oblivious to the carnage she's causing.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Manny, it was a great idea to come on the train.
Manny: Rail is a last bastion of respectable travel now that every airport has become a sweat-pant convention.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, thank you. Here's an Andrew Jackson. Make a clean set of sheets happen, I'll introduce you to his twin brother. [chuckles] You don't have to do the banter, but what's it cost me?

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Simon Hastings is the genius behind the Silverton mystery novels.
Cameron: "Dismembers Only."
Phil: "A Death of Fresh Air."
Cameron: The world has been waiting for the final book of the trilogy for almost, what, 10 years?
Phil: I missed it so much, I took a stab at writing fan fiction.
Cameron: What?
Phil: I put Silverton in the harrowing world of real estate with "Open House, Closed Casket."
Cameron: [gasps] Goose bumps.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Rest assured. Your treasure is in good hands. We are also members of the artistic community.
Cameron: Clown.
Phil: Magician.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Ugh, I forgot my magazines when I was buying gum.
Alex: Oh, it's hard to do two things at once.
Haley: You got an extra book?
Alex: Well, I'm re-reading "Jane Eyre," but I've got "Anna Karenina" on deck.
Haley: What you got?
Lily: "Hurricane Harriet." It's mostly pictures.
Haley: Sold. Move over. So, what's Harriet's deal?
Lily: She's a ditzy girl who causes problems for everyone, but never realizes it.
Haley: Doesn't sound very realistic.

Quote from Claire

Mitchell: "Mom has always been a free spirit."
Claire: "She has also helped to free a lot of spirits from bottles 'cause the woman's a boozehound!" Hello!
Mitchell: Yeah, I'm not gonna put that in. Uh, how about this one? "The secret to her chocolate chip cookies was a dash of salt-"
Claire: "And two scoops of crazy because the lady's imbalanced." Hello!
Mitchell: Claire, this is toast, not a roast.
Claire: Are you uncomfortable because, for the first time in your life, you have to be the straight man? Hello!
Mitchell: Saying "hello" doesn't make mean things funny.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Well, we are just dying to know how the conductor got all the way from the front to the back, kill the ambassador, and not be seen?
Simon Hastings: There's an escape hatch in the control room. He climbs up, crawls his way across the top of the train to the caboose. There, his feet firmly planted, thanks to magnetic shoes, he hangs down, shoots the ambassador, then crawls back the way he came.
Phil: That is so ingenious. How does he avoid the video cameras?
Cameron: Yeah.
Simon Hastings: I beg your pardon.
Phil: On top of the train.
Simon Hastings: He's on a train that doesn't have any cameras.
Cameron: Oh, no, they all have cameras now. Big Brother. I just read an article about it in Rail World, the magazine in your seat pocket. Also a great interview with amateur conductor Valerie Bertinelli.

Quote from Cameron

Simon Hastings: Well, if that's true, then the murder isn't possible. And if the ambassador is still alive, then there's no reason for Silverton to be in Nigeria. And if that's the case, he's not at the coup, which means the whole thing doesn't work. Dear God, I have no book.
Phil: Oh.
Simon Hastings: I have no book!
Cameron: Now I wish I hadn't circled the typos.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. I've always sensed a little heat from Alex.
A woman doesn't compliment a man on his hat unless she wants to get into his blazer.

Quote from Claire

Mitchell: Look, I'm sorry I told you that Mom picked me for the toast and not you. It's just that I've always had a special relationship with her.
Claire: Sure, like the one between a witch and her flying monkey.
Mitchell: Don't do that. Don't use "The Wizard of Oz" against me.

Quote from Luke

Cindy: Look how beautiful California is.
Luke: The best part about taking the train, as I often do for my work with, uh, the children, has got to be the scenery.
Cindy: Yeah? What's your favorite spot?
Luke: Well, I'd have to say the spot where, uh the Rio Grande pours into Lake Superior.
Cindy: Huh. I don't think I've seen that.

Quote from Luke

Luke: So, where were we?
Cindy: Is this your first time seeing the Central Coast, Big Sur?
Luke: No, it's not, little miss. [chuckles] I can't wait to watch the sunset over the Andes tonight. Not like my view right now isn't fantastic.

Quote from Cameron

Phil: [aside to camera] We needed to prove that the crime was feasible, so I would play the role of engineer/murderer.
Cameron: And I would play the role of everyone else. When my hometown theater's production of "Robin Hood" was lacking a leading lady, I stepped into the role of Maid Marian in addition to playing the Friar.
Phil: Tuck?
Cameron: Didn't have to. The costume hid it quite nicely.

Quote from Dede

Mitchell: Hey, Mom! Hi!
Claire: Hi, Mom!
Dede: [on video chat] Well, hello, original family.
Jay: Dede, we have something we have to tell you. Now, I know there's a delicate way to say this. Just can't think of it. Your fiancee's a pyro. He burnt down his ex-wife's house.
Dede: It's just like you three to try to ruin my big day.
Claire: Mom, we just thought you should know.
Dede: Jerry told me everything. Trust me. She had it coming. The woman's "cah-razy."
Jay: So, you're okay he's a firebug?
Dede: He's passionate, Jay. He knows how to express his feelings, unlike you. Maybe if you had burned our house down, we'd still be together.
Jay: My mistake. You're right, Dede.

Quote from Dede

Dede: [on video chat] Claire, you're not mad at me about your seating arrangements?
Claire: Why? Where am I sitting?
Dede: Mitchell, tell her. Got to run.
Mitchell: You're not sitting at the family table. Hello!

Quote from Cameron

[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Phil sent me his Silverton fan fiction, "Open House, Closed Casket."
[separetly to camera:]
Phil: "He looked up at the pristine crown molding in the great room and felt the breeze of the recently updated central air. 'Mrs. Coruthers, just as this desirable corner lot was split in half, so, too, is Mr. Coruthers.' The widow gasped and steadied herself on the granite kitchen island, a fitting metaphor for how alone she felt, despite being walking distance to a vibrant shopping district and wonderful schools."
[back:]
Cameron: I've been avoiding him for the last two weeks.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: [aside to camera] We are all traveling to Portland because Jay's ex-wife, Dede, is getting remarried. We're so happy.
Jay: For us. It means the end of those damn alimony payments, so I'm gonna make sure Dede goes through with it. It'll be, "I do," "I do," "I'm done."

Quote from Luke

Luke: Dude, how much choice action are we gonna get on this trip?
Manny: I'm managing my expectations.
Luke: Don't you know anything about trains? Chicks go crazy. The vibrations get them all worked up. Also, they're trapped, which is nice.

Quote from Cameron

Phil: Oh, my God, it can't be.
Cameron: What? No, it's not a bald spot. I slept on it funny last night.

Quote from Phil

Phil: We hate to bother you, but you are our favorite author.
Simon Hastings: Gentlemen, the words are all out there. I just arrange them in a financially rewarding way.
Phil: [laughs] Classic Hastings.
Cameron: Droll. Droll is what it is.

Quote from Phil

Cameron: That by any chance isn't the -- the next Silverton novel, is it?
Simon Hastings: You mean "Locomotive for Murder"?
Phil: Crackerjack.
Cameron: It's not even out yet, and I'm sad about finishing it.
Simon Hastings: Well, I hope you won't be disappointed. Lovely to meet you.
Phil: What's your process?
Cameron: Are the characters just speaking through you?
Phil: How important is plot?
Simon Hastings: Here's an idea. How would you two like to sit quietly and read the first chapter?

Quote from Haley

Haley: Nope.
Alex: What? We're on a train, and I'm embracing a romantic style of travel.
Manny: I get it, and I love it. Wonderful Victorian tea hat.
Alex: Thank you. Top-notch travel derby.
Manny: Ma'am. See you at high tea.
Haley: He acts like someone with low "T."

Quote from Haley

Haley: So, Harriet just sent those people right into a bear cave?
Lily: She never knows what she's doing.
Haley: [laughs] What an idiot.

Quote from Alex

James: Excuse me. You mind if I sit here?
Alex: Uh, no.
James: [chuckles] You have a beautiful smile.
Alex: Thanks. [chuckles] They make fun of you for wearing your headgear, but, hey, look at me now. [laughs]
Ticket Taker: Tickets?
Alex: Oh, yeah.
James: Uh, honey, do you have my ticket?
Alex: No.
James: I'm pretty sure I gave you my ticket, babe.
Ticket Taker: Sorry, babe. Back to coach.
James: I forgive you. [chuckles] Come find me!

Quote from Jay

Jay: This is a $20. When my wife shows up later, "iced tea" means Scotch.

Quote from Jay

Haley: Grandpa, do you think it's weird Nana invited you to her wedding?
Jay: I think it's the least-weird thing Dede's ever done.
Haley: Well, if she was so bad, why'd you ever marry her?
Jay: We were young. She was cute, but the constant nuttiness of Dede wore me down, robbed me of my will to live. One day, she pushed me off the edge. I ran out of the house. They found me shirtless in the local fire station.

Quote from Phil

Cameron: Uh, hi, Mr. Hastings. Um, do you know, have they developed a cure yet?
Simon Hastings: For what?
Phil: A blown mind. Because we have two of them.

Quote from Haley

Haley: What are you still doing here? Go find him.
Alex: [sighs] I don't know.
Haley: Come on, it's a better love story than the one you're reading. You're the beautiful, high-class, smart girl, and he's the poor boy duct-taping his shoes with a bunch of hobos in coach.
Alex: It's a $20 difference.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Manny likes hats, doesn't he?
Haley: Ooh, someone's still got a crush.
Lily: I'm not proud of it. I tried to get past it. But, you know, trains.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Hey, pervs. Let me guess, shoulders tired from striking out so hard?
Manny: It's still early.
Luke: Ooh, I see a dime piece over there.
Manny: That means she's a 10.
Haley: Yeah. I speak d-bag.

Quote from Luke

Haley: Luke, she's a little old.
Luke: Hey, Jennifer Lopez is like 90. Doesn't mean I don't pretend she's my pillow every now and then.
Manny: How does he have prospects?

Quote from Claire

Claire: Mom manipulates you. She uses you against the rest of us.
Mitchell: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Claire: Oh, God, if only I could think of an example. Oh, wait, here's one of 30. She blew off Alex's graduation, but she didn't tell us. She made you do it so we would all dump on you instead of her. And now she bans me from giving a toast, and we're fighting about it. Come on. She's using you like a human shield. Does that seem like a healthy relationship? Why don't you give that some thought while you're getting me a refill?
Mitchell: When did you even drink that? You've been talking the whole time.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, pal. Before you call your dad, what I was saying about Dede was me just covering up because I lost the greatest, most stable person I've ever known.
Carl: But you seemed so angry.
Jay: It's because I can't get over her. I've tried everything: therapy, pills, electricity. [voice breaking] I'm sorry. It's just that I miss her so much. I-I'm gonna see the luckiest man in the world marry the most wonderful woman in the world, and I have nobody.
Porter: Excuse me, sir. This woman says she's your wife.
Jay: Never seen her before.
Gloria: [shouting in Spanish]

Quote from Claire

Jay: But here's someone I do know, my son, Mitchell. Mitchell and Dede are great pals. Tell these lovely folks about your mother.
Mitchell: She's a scheming dragon woman hell-bent on destroying everyone around her.
Jay: You pick today to realize that?!
Claire: You're welcome. I finally got him to see Mom for who she really is a nasty, old nutjob. But she's someone else's problem now, huh?

Quote from Haley

Haley: Hi. I'm Haley.
Simon Hastings: Pleasure. I'm a massive fraud.
Haley: Sounds like you need a drink.
Simon Hastings: I'm not sure that's a good idea. I used to have something of a-
Haley: Oh, come on. I feel weird drinking alone.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I don't. I just wanted him to pay.

Quote from Haley

Simon Hastings: The last time I was this bladdered, I parked my fist right in Salman Rushdie's smug gob.
Haley: [chuckles] Do you know Adele?
Simon Hastings: Oh.

Quote from Phil

Cameron: Hey. Just checking in. Hi. Ooh, celebrating solving your problem?
Simon Hastings: After 10 years of paralyzing writer's block, I at last felt that I was drinking directly from the teat of the muse. But she was no muse. She was a succubus.
Phil: Such a gift for language.
Simon Hastings: At the next stop, I'm going to burn this book.
Haley: That is bad-ass.
Phil: No! What?
Simon Hastings: Yes. It will be the last act of my career. Well, not counting the panel discussion in Portland.
It would be rude to cancel. There's a wine-and-cheese reception.

Quote from Luke

Manny: What are you doing?
Luke: Getting swollen 'cause that's how you close. [grunts] Oh, by the way, if you see a tie on our door, Luke's starting to score.
Manny: It's a little hard to root for you right now.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [v.o.] People in first class think they have it made with their early boarding and their slightly cleaner seats. But they don't know what living is. I'll take a long line for the bathroom if that bathroom is in heaven.

Quote from Jay

Jay: My kids in the back, they don't hate Dede. They're preparing a roast for the wedding. That's how our family shows love. You'll get a taste of it at the reception. What are you, Italian? We'll do a whole thing, unless you shoot the place up first. See? That kind of stuff.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay Pritchett, I am going to strangle you! I don't know why you're pretending that you don't know me, but I'm sure it's for some stupid and selfish reason!
Carl: She really is your wife?
Gloria: For now. Pretty soon, you're gonna be getting on a train to my next wedding. You're driving me insane.

Quote from Jay

Carl: Oh, I see what's going on.
Jay: Don't listen to her.
Carl: Dede's not crazy. You are.
Jay: Sure. That works.
Gloria: Who are you?
Carl: Oh, I'm Carl. Uh, my father's marrying Dede.
Jay: Yes, he is, and let's celebrate. Drinks on me.

Quote from Jay

Jay: And, again, I'm sorry to have worried you guys about Dede.
Donna: Oh, please. It's not like Carl's father is such a prize.
Carl: What?
Donna: He snapped and burned your mom's house down.
Carl: [nervous chuckle] She's kidding. Uh, we're doing a roast, too.
Donna: Yeah, right. Your mother was almost a roast.

Quote from Cameron

Phil: Sunday dinner! What?!
Cameron: The Turkish ambassador's bodyguard was instructed to neutralize anyone who looks suspicious. Ustten!
Phil: What?
Cameron: It's Turkish for "from the top." I have a lot of downtime while you're resetting.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Woof! Did you forget Count Maxim Du Vernay brought his service shar-pei?
Phil: If I'm being honest, I skimmed that part.
Cameron: Again!

Quote from Luke

Cindy: Hi. You ready for me?
Luke: I believe I've Googled everything I need to know.

Quote from Luke

Cindy: So, let's get started. This is California. Lake Superior is here, all the way across- Are you trying to take off my shoe?
Luke: I thought you wanted to show me things.
Cindy: I do. I'm a geography teacher, and, boy, do you need one.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Are you kidding me? If her new husband is an arsonist, you guys have to tell her.
Jay: Everybody, calm down. The guy burned down one house. He's not in jail, so he's got the government's A-okay.

Quote from Claire

Mitchell: I recently discovered I have some issues with Mom, but I love her. I don't want her to wake up in a burning house just so you don't have to pay alimony.
Claire: I love Mom, too usually. But if this wedding doesn't happen, you know where she's gonna end up in 10 years - su casa or my casa.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] I was going to see Alex and let her down easy. I mean, she's family. It's taboo. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be judgy, especially when, you know, trains.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [aside to camera] So, it turns out James got off right after I left him. On a possibly unrelated note, my wallet is gone. Trains.

Quote from Phil

Cameron: Mr. Hastings, we did it. We made it to the caboose and back without being seen. Your book works.
Simon Hastings: I can't believe it. Are you sure?
Both: Yes!
Phil: It's a combination of slithering, clever disguise, and not to write the book for you, but it would help if the Count had a wooden hand.
Simon Hastings: Well, I was sort of in that area anyway. A thousand thank-yous. Silverton lives!

Quote from Phil

Haley: Oh, you guys are doing that book thing, right?
Phil: Yeah.
Haley: Well, I don't know if this helps at all, but I was just talking to the engineer. It turns out he can't leave the controls because of what's called a dead man's switch. If he takes his foot off of it, the whole train stops. Anyway, you're welcome.
Cameron: If the engineer can't leave the controls, then...
Simon Hastings: He can't commit the murder. It's over.
Phil: Hastings, we are so sorry.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Wait! Is that the back of the train?
Luke: Yep. This is the famous horseshoe turn. Only two of them in the continental United States, one of which is here in California, which is in North America. Sadly, I know all of this now.
Cameron: That's it. The engineer. He never has to leave the controls.
Phil: He waits for the horseshoe turn. Then he plugs the Earl in the caboose. I heard it.
Simon Hastings: This is brilliant! I can't believe you two clowns have saved my book.
Cameron: Actually, it's just one clown.
Phil: One magician.


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