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Crazy Train

‘Crazy Train’

Season 7, Episode 21 - Aired May 11, 2016

Manny convinces the whole family to take the train as they head off to Dede's wedding. Jay is delighted that his ex-wife is moving on and his alimony payments will cease, but his enthusiasm could cost him. As Claire and Mitchell work on their toast, Phil and Cameron geek out over their favorite mystery author, who just happens to be working on his new book on the train. Meanwhile, Luke and Manny are hopeful they will be able to hook up with girls on the train, Alex falls for the romanticism of the train, Gloria gets stuck in coach, and Haley is oblivious to the carnage she's causing.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Manny, it was a great idea to come on the train.
Manny: Rail is a last bastion of respectable travel now that every airport has become a sweat-pant convention.


Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, thank you. Here's an Andrew Jackson. Make a clean set of sheets happen, I'll introduce you to his twin brother. [chuckles] You don't have to do the banter, but what's it cost me?

Quote from Cameron

[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Phil sent me his Silverton fan fiction, "Open House, Closed Casket."
[separetly to camera:]
Phil: "He looked up at the pristine crown molding in the great room and felt the breeze of the recently updated central air. 'Mrs. Coruthers, just as this desirable corner lot was split in half, so, too, is Mr. Coruthers.' The widow gasped and steadied herself on the granite kitchen island, a fitting metaphor for how alone she felt, despite being walking distance to a vibrant shopping district and wonderful schools."
Cameron: I've been avoiding him for the last two weeks.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Simon Hastings is the genius behind the Silverton mystery novels.
Cameron: "Dismembers Only."
Phil: "A Death of Fresh Air."
Cameron: The world has been waiting for the final book of the trilogy for almost, what, 10 years?
Phil: I missed it so much, I took a stab at writing fan fiction.
Cameron: What?
Phil: I put Silverton in the harrowing world of real estate with "Open House, Closed Casket."
Cameron: [gasps] Goose bumps.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Rest assured. Your treasure is in good hands. We are also members of the artistic community.
Cameron: Clown.
Phil: Magician.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Ugh, I forgot my magazines when I was buying gum.
Alex: Oh, it's hard to do two things at once.
Haley: You got an extra book?
Alex: Well, I'm re-reading "Jane Eyre," but I've got "Anna Karenina" on deck.
Haley: What you got?
Lily: "Hurricane Harriet." It's mostly pictures.
Haley: Sold. Move over. So, what's Harriet's deal?
Lily: She's a ditzy girl who causes problems for everyone, but never realizes it.
Haley: Doesn't sound very realistic.

Quote from Claire

Mitchell: "Mom has always been a free spirit."
Claire: "She has also helped to free a lot of spirits from bottles 'cause the woman's a boozehound!" Hello!
Mitchell: Yeah, I'm not gonna put that in. Uh, how about this one? "The secret to her chocolate chip cookies was a dash of salt-"
Claire: "And two scoops of crazy because the lady's imbalanced." Hello!
Mitchell: Claire, this is toast, not a roast.
Claire: Are you uncomfortable because, for the first time in your life, you have to be the straight man? Hello!
Mitchell: Saying "hello" doesn't make mean things funny.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Well, we are just dying to know how the conductor got all the way from the front to the back, kill the ambassador, and not be seen?
Simon Hastings: There's an escape hatch in the control room. He climbs up, crawls his way across the top of the train to the caboose. There, his feet firmly planted, thanks to magnetic shoes, he hangs down, shoots the ambassador, then crawls back the way he came.
Phil: That is so ingenious. How does he avoid the video cameras?
Cameron: Yeah.
Simon Hastings: I beg your pardon.
Phil: On top of the train.
Simon Hastings: He's on a train that doesn't have any cameras.
Cameron: Oh, no, they all have cameras now. Big Brother. I just read an article about it in Rail World, the magazine in your seat pocket. Also a great interview with amateur conductor Valerie Bertinelli.

Quote from Cameron

Simon Hastings: Well, if that's true, then the murder isn't possible. And if the ambassador is still alive, then there's no reason for Silverton to be in Nigeria. And if that's the case, he's not at the coup, which means the whole thing doesn't work. Dear God, I have no book.
Phil: Oh.
Simon Hastings: I have no book!
Cameron: Now I wish I hadn't circled the typos.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. I've always sensed a little heat from Alex.
A woman doesn't compliment a man on his hat unless she wants to get into his blazer.

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