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47Quotes from ‘Weathering Heights’

Modern Family: Weathering Heights

804. Weathering Heights

Aired October 12, 2016

Phil asks Haley to do his make-up when he is invited to be a real estate expert on the local news broadcast, but he can't cover up his excitement when he meets weatherman Rainer Shine. Elsewhere, Jay is determined to add a little more grit to Manny's video interview for his college application, and Lily is upset at the imposition of their new house guest.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: You're probably right to nip that speech problem in the bud. Mitchell had a lisp we let slide. Now we got a lifetime of "What if?"
Gloria: That is so offensive. A lisp doesn't make you gay. Being gay makes you lisp.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Hey, I have an idea. Let's think of something we can all do together, okay? Just the four of us.
Cameron: Anything you want.
Mitchell: Absolutely anything.
[aside to camera:]
Lily: Three years ago, they gave me an "absolutely anything," and I wasted it on a Popsicle. That was not gonna happen again.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Oh, thank God. I smell coffee. This morning has gotten off to a bit of a... Rocky Horror Picture Show. What did you do to your face?
Phil: Just a little color to make my eyes pop. Like yours are now.
Haley: Is this how we find out you're transitioning? Oh, please don't pick a young name. The world doesn't need a 50-year-old Jasmine.
Phil: Trust me, this'll look completely normal on camera.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: This just in. I'm gonna be on the news. They're doing a segment on the real-estate market, and I'm their local expert. Back to you, Claire.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] My star player Dwight has been living with us ever since his father was transferred to an army base in Florida. He's doing his part for our country, so I thought I could do my part for our team. Who's to say who the bigger hero is.
Mitchell: I will. He is.
Cameron: I've had to wake up a half hour earlier to use the bathroom-
Mitchell: The soldier is the hero.

Quote from Phil

Haley: Okay, hold still. You have very deep-set eyes.
Phil: In college, they called my "The Raccoon." Although, that could've been because I climbed in through the doggy door at Zeta house and stole a pie.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I'm confused. You want me to see that?
Phil: Well, someone there said I was a real natural. I can't remember who it was. Oh, that's right, Rainer Shine.
Claire: The cheesy weatherman?
Phil: No, the award-winning meteorologist. He's the recipient of back-to-back Golden Showers.
Claire: That cannot be the actual name-
Phil: It's their Oscars.

Quote from Manny

Jay: They're not all lies. I hear you the stories you two tell about the neighborhoods you lived in, growing up on the passenger seat of a cab. Sure, I put in what we professionals call "sizzle," but this is a part of who you are. And it's a lot easier to root for than a kid who insists that 72% of his chocolate is cocoa.
Manny: It's "cacao."
Gloria: [stilted accent] I believe that that is his point.

Quote from Luke

Alex: Ugh. Why can't I get this? Archimedes' exclamation.
Luke: Eureka.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: We may never know the answer to that clue, but it made me realize this was my chance to finally beat Alex at Scrabble. I have never beaten her. She's not the nicest winner.

Quote from Gloria

Joe: Thank you for bweakfast.
Gloria: You're welcome, sweetie.
Gloria: [sighs] Did you hear that? "Bweakfast." It's a good thing that we're taking him to speech therapy. I want everybody to understand every single thing he says. [thick accent] Do you want marmalade on your brioche toast?
Jay: Not a clue.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Well, I finished the video for my Juilliard application. I think they're going to be blown away.
Jay: Art school, huh? Well, you can always sell oranges by the side of the road.

Quote from Jay

Manny: [rapping on video] How does an artsy, well-read, child of divorce A Columbian dropped In the middle of a forgotten plot In suburbia with confidence and-
Jay: You copied that from that play "Hamilton," right?
Manny: I'm not sure "copied" is the word. It's more of an homage.
Jay: Well, I homaged it about two weeks on "Jay Talking." You saw that episode, right?
Gloria: Okay.
Jay: I rhymed "rice pudding" with "Cuba Gooding." Both delicious, by the way.

Quote from Jay

Manny: The deadline for early admission is tomorrow. I'll never come up with something great by then.
Jay: Yes, you will, and I'll help.
Manny: You'd do that for me?
Jay: Anything for you, kid.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I got to get this kid out of the house. All his crazy quirks. The farther away, the better. I keep leaving brochures around for schools at sea.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Okay. How about this? We open on a blank sheet of paper. Under a Mozart fugue, we suddenly see a drop of blood.
Jay: Is it the admissions committee slitting their wrists?
Manny: [sighs] Fine. The year is 18-
Jay: No! You're on the wrong track here. They're gonna get a million applications from artsy little snots. You've got to stand out. When everybody else zigs, you've got to zoink.
Manny: Isn't it "zag"?
Jay: Exactly.

Quote from Gloria

Dr. Gable: Okay, Joe, repeat after me. Red rover, red rover, red rover.
Joe: Wed wovah, wed wovah, wed wovah.
Dr. Gable: Okay, now I want you to try it with a big smile on your face.
Together: Red rover, red rover, red rover.
Dr. Gable: Oh. [chuckles]
Gloria: I am sorry. It's just sometimes I feel like my accent gets a little [mumbles unintelligibly] and it's gonna rub off on Fulgencio Joseph.
Dr. Gable: Well, you shouldn't blame yourself, if that's what you just said.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Walk along that wall, read from your script. Go.
Manny: [clears throat] Hola! "Welcome to the streets I call home. It's tough out here, so I've had to be tougher.
Because in a place where violence is currency and pain is your best friend" Okay, this is embarrassing. Please don't shoot this.
Jay: You're doing good! Hey, pretend like you're climbing over the wall, in case we want to say this is Mexico.
Manny: Not gonna happen.
Jay: Fine. Here's some spray-paint. Bubble letter me something about gringos.

Quote from Lily

Police Officer: Okay. Dwight Bullock. I have to arrest you. You've been a bad boy.
Dwight: But I didn't do it! I'm innocent! I don't know how that bottle got under the bed!
Mitchell: Now we're gonna take it down a notch.
Police Officer: Hold out your wrists. I've got to take you downtown.
Cameron: Dwight, I am very disappointed in you. There's no more football. No more school. Lily, is there anything you'd like to say to Dwight before he's taken to jail.
Lily: I guess. Martha Stewart said she used the prison time to work on herself.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [enunciating] Fred fed Ted bread. Ted fed Fred bread.
Jay: What am I looking at?
Gloria: [stilted accent] Joe's doctor gave me some sp-heech exer-cises to help me speak more clear-ely. The problem is I fee-ear I have forgotten how I used to talk.
Jay: Well, if it's any consolation, this isn't any worse.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [recording] My name is Manny Delgado, and I'm two people. I'm the child of an immigrant single mother, who taught me to believe in myself and dream big. I'm also the step-son of a businessman who opened his home and his heart to me and showed me, by example, how to make those dreams come true. Whatever I am, whatever I have to give, is a product of these two very different worlds.

Quote from Haley

Alex: What is wrong with me? I feel so fuzzy.
Haley: Oh, stop being so hard on yourself. It's just arm hair.

Quote from Claire

Alex: I can't figure out this crossword puzzle. I- I think mono turned my mind to mush.
Claire: What's the clue? Maybe I can help.
Alex: [laughs] Thanks, Mom. Feels good to laugh.
Claire: What is so funny? I am a well-read college graduate. I think I'm capable of doing a crossword puzzle.
Alex: Okay, professor. Six-letter word, Archimedes' exclamation.
Claire: I don't like you right now.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Oh, good God. There are thousands of "Hamilton" parodies, and half of them are college applications.
Gloria: It's okay, Papi. Maybe the people in New York haven't heard about "Hamilton."

Quote from Lily

Lily: Pancakes, yay!
Cameron: Oh, uh, we're actually out of those.
Dwight: [muffled] You can have the rest.
Cameron: No, no! We put some performance supplements in there that could mess with you as a lady.
Lily: What else is there?
Cameron: Well, I'm going to the store later. In the meantime, you can have some fruit.
Lily: That's real? I thought it was just for show.

Quote from Lily

Dwight: Ready to go?
Mitchell: Yes! Yes! Dwight and I are going shopping. He's gonna help me pick out some cool new kicks.
Dwight: Like Richard Gere taking Julia Roberts to the store.
Mitchell: That is right. We watched "Pretty Woman" last night.
Lily: I guess that would've been my window to eat something.

Quote from Haley

Phil: Mo-o-o-o-ther nature. You're not gonna believe who's behind you. Rainer Shine!
Haley: Who?
Phil: The weatherman. Don't you watch the news?
Haley: Yeah, at the gas station.

Quote from Phil

Rainer Shine: Whoa, careful now. There's a stipulation in my contract,. I have to be the best-looking guy here.
Phil: [laughs] Stop it. Rainer Shine. It's, just, s-so nice to meet you.
Haley: That isn't your real name, is it?
Rainer Shine: Ow, I'm not letting you behind that curtain. That's my name, and these are my teeth.
Phil: My name's Phil Dunphy. I'm doing a little real-estate segment. Could become a regular thing. This is my make-up artist/daughter, Haley Dunphy.
Rainer Shine: It is a pleasure. You know, I think you sold my neighbor's house, Doris Jacobs.
Phil: Uh, white, mid-century, big back porch?
Rainer Shine: That's her.

Quote from Phil

Haley: I need to wash my hands. Where's the restroom?
Rainer Shine: Oh, of course. You're gonna want to go down that hallway, push through the big double doors. You're gonna see some air vents on the way there. It's just past that cold-air system. Bring a sweater. It tends to get a little chilly in that neck of the woods.
Phil: Wow.
Haley: Wow.
Rainer Shine: Nice shooting the breeze with you, Phil.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm kidding. Just call me once. Tonight. If you're around.
Rainer Shine: I'll see if I can squeeze you into my 10-day outlook.
Phil: [laughing] Okay. [to himself] Do meet your heroes.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What have you got? What says to Juilliard, "I'm your guy"?
Manny: I look straight into the camera and say, "Moliere, Beckett, Delgado." Yes, it's bold to include my own name, but so is the sheer act of putting pen to paper.
Jay: You're kidding, right?
Manny: Why? What's wrong?
Jay: It's smug and privileged and precious. No art school's gonna want that.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Hi. We're back.
Cameron: I don't know what this is, but I love it.
Mitchell: There's mud out front, so Dwight insisted. Apparently, they're not cool after you get them dirty.
Cameron: Oh!
Dwight: Last night, we also watch "An Officer and a Gentleman."
Mitchell: Yeah, he lift me up where I belong.

Quote from Alex

[as Luke and Alex play Scrabble:]
Luke: I have, like, three D's.
Alex: Well, it's better than any report card you ever brought home.
Claire: What are you guys doing?
Alex: Skydiving. Ugh. I see where he gets it from. Wake me when it's my turn.

Quote from Luke

Luke: I thought I could finally beat her because she's sick. I just want her to lose so bad.
Claire: Yeah. So do I. [Scrabble pieces rattling]
Luke: Cheating? Are we really doing this?
Claire: That smug sister of yours needs to be taken down a peg.
Luke: Ooh! Peg.
Claire: Think bigger.
Luke: Pegs.

Quote from Gloria

Dr. Gable: I actually have some exercises that can help you. Like [stressing consonants] Betty bought a bit of butter, but found the butter bitter.
Gloria: [heavy accent] Betty bought a bit 'a bootie, but da bootie bittah.
[Joe facepalms]

Quote from Manny

Jay: Here. Try on this hair net.
Manny: Isn't this a little over the top?
Jay: Was "Stand and Deliver" over the top?
Manny: Yes, it was.
Jay: Fine, then act angry, like you're sick of taking orders from the white man.
Manny: [sighs] Yeah, that I can do.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] We wanted to give Lily a chance to come clean on her own.
Cameron: Luckily, we have a friend of a friend who dresses as a cop for work.
Mitchell: He also undresses as a cop for work.

Quote from Mitchell

Dylan: Do you have the keys to these?
Police Officer: I usually let the person who hired me find it in my pants.
Mitchell: Well, if that is the custom, I...
Cameron: Mitchell.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Something wrong?
Phil: I texted Rainer, like, three hours ago. He hasn't responded.
Claire: I'm sure he's just playing hard to get.
Phil: It's just weird. We had such a great time last night.
Claire: I bet he's busy. He's a weatherman in southern California. He has to be ready in case temperatures plunge below 70 degrees.
Phil: For your information, there is a wind advisory tonight. In fact, I'm gonna go take down my chimes.

Quote from Phil

Phil: You know what? We're not friends. Go. Get-
Rainer Shine: Phil?
Haley: You're being ridiculous.
[Phil closes the door on Haley and Rainer Shine]
Claire: You really want to leave things like that?
Phil: [opens door] From now on, we're getting our weather from Tricia Tazaki!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Manny! Check this out. I think I took a stab at finishing your video essay.
[video:]
Jay: In a world divided into the haves and have-nots, a boy was born.
Manny: It's tough out here, so I've had to be tougher.
Jay: On the streets, you can't trust anyone. Even your closest compadre could turn on you.
Manny: Please don't shoot!
Jay: Every day was a battle for your s--

Quote from Gloria

Manny: I can't send this to Juilliard. It's all lies.
Gloria: [stilted accent] That's right, Manny.Do no-t change who you are or you will lo-o-ose what makes you spe-cial. Am I still do-ing it?

Quote from Luke

Luke: Admit it, it's over. I'm ahead by 50 points, and you have two tiles left.
Alex: There's got to be something! I... Ugh, why can't I see it?! Six months ago, I was at Caltech, and now... Ugh, work!
Claire: Relax, honey. It's just a game.
Alex: What if it's more than that? What if mono permanently changed my brain? I've always defined myself by my intelligence, and if that's gone, who am I?
Luke: A loser.

Quote from Alex

Claire: We cheated.Luke and I messed with the tiles.
Alex: What?!
Claire: Yeah, it's just that, you're the smartest one in the family, and you always rub it in, and it doesn't make us feel good.
Alex: Wow. I am so sorry. I feel terrible that I've been making you guys feel this way. Thank you for opening up to me about it. Otherwise, I never would have known that you cheated, which means that I win, you lose! I win! You lose! I win! You lose! I win [panting] you lose. God, I'm so tired. [passes out]
Claire: If you want to shave off her eyebrows, I'm cool with that.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: We're very disappointed in you.
Cameron: Yes, and there's gonna be consequences. No electronics for a week.
Lily: That'll be worse for you than for me.
Cameron: No dessert.
Lily: Okay, that hurts.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Sweetie, look, I, of all people, know what it feels like to go from being the center of attention. I went through it with my parents back on the farm, when they brought home a seven-pound little pink bundle of joy and said, "You're gonna share your room-"
Mitchell: We all know it's gonna be a pig.
Cameron: Anyway, he would snore... [giggles]

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Well, now, this is a lovely party.
Cameron: It's a splendid afternoon.
Lily: More tea?
Dwight: No thanks. My cup is still full.
Lily: No, it isn't.
Dwight: But I didn't drink it all.
Cameron: Just take the tea.

Quote from Phil

Rainer Shine: Phil. What are you doing here? You're not one of those storm chasers, are you?
Phil: Not since the movie "Twister" exposed how cutthroat it is. I came here to apologize.
Rainer Shine: Oh, you don't have to do that.
Phil: Yes, I do. I was confused, and I said a bunch of stuff that you didn't deserve.
Rainer Shine: It did hit me, right around the mid-section.

Quote from Phil

Rainer Shine: Phil, I know a million people, but I really don't have a lot of real friends.
Phil: Not even the sports guy? You guys are always laughing so crazy hard out of the commercials.
Rainer Shine: Chip Fielder? No. That's all fake. Fake as Tricia Tazaki's shelter dogs.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: [aside to camera] It was so sweet that Jay cried a little bit.
Jay: He's a good kid. And it's gonna be weird around here without him, but at least I'll always have my special girl.
Gloria: Mmm!
Jay: [picks up Stella] And you'd never leave me, would you, baby?


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