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‘Weathering Heights’ Quotes

Modern Family: Weathering Heights

804. Weathering Heights

Aired October 12, 2016

Phil asks Haley to do his make-up when he is invited to be a real estate expert on the local news broadcast, but he can't cover up his excitement when he meets weatherman Rainer Shine. Elsewhere, Jay is determined to add a little more grit to Manny's video interview for his college application, and Lily is upset at the imposition of their new house guest.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: You're probably right to nip that speech problem in the bud. Mitchell had a lisp we let slide. Now we got a lifetime of "What if?"
Gloria: That is so offensive. A lisp doesn't make you gay. Being gay makes you lisp.

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Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Hey, I have an idea. Let's think of something we can all do together, okay? Just the four of us.
Cameron: Anything you want.
Mitchell: Absolutely anything.
[aside to camera:]
Lily: Three years ago, they gave me an "absolutely anything," and I wasted it on a Popsicle. That was not gonna happen again.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Oh, thank God. I smell coffee. This morning has gotten off to a bit of a... Rocky Horror Picture Show. What did you do to your face?
Phil: Just a little color to make my eyes pop. Like yours are now.
Haley: Is this how we find out you're transitioning? Oh, please don't pick a young name. The world doesn't need a 50-year-old Jasmine.
Phil: Trust me, this'll look completely normal on camera.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: This just in. I'm gonna be on the news. They're doing a segment on the real-estate market, and I'm their local expert. Back to you, Claire.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] My star player Dwight has been living with us ever since his father was transferred to an army base in Florida. He's doing his part for our country, so I thought I could do my part for our team. Who's to say who the bigger hero is.
Mitchell: I will. He is.
Cameron: I've had to wake up a half hour earlier to use the bathroom-
Mitchell: The soldier is the hero.

Quote from Phil

Haley: Okay, hold still. You have very deep-set eyes.
Phil: In college, they called my "The Raccoon." Although, that could've been because I climbed in through the doggy door at Zeta house and stole a pie.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I'm confused. You want me to see that?
Phil: Well, someone there said I was a real natural. I can't remember who it was. Oh, that's right, Rainer Shine.
Claire: The cheesy weatherman?
Phil: No, the award-winning meteorologist. He's the recipient of back-to-back Golden Showers.
Claire: That cannot be the actual name-
Phil: It's their Oscars.

Quote from Manny

Jay: They're not all lies. I hear you the stories you two tell about the neighborhoods you lived in, growing up on the passenger seat of a cab. Sure, I put in what we professionals call "sizzle," but this is a part of who you are. And it's a lot easier to root for than a kid who insists that 72% of his chocolate is cocoa.
Manny: It's "cacao."
Gloria: [stilted accent] I believe that that is his point.

Quote from Luke

Alex: Ugh. Why can't I get this? Archimedes' exclamation.
Luke: Eureka.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: We may never know the answer to that clue, but it made me realize this was my chance to finally beat Alex at Scrabble. I have never beaten her. She's not the nicest winner.

Quote from Gloria

Joe: Thank you for bweakfast.
Gloria: You're welcome, sweetie.
Gloria: [sighs] Did you hear that? "Bweakfast." It's a good thing that we're taking him to speech therapy. I want everybody to understand every single thing he says. [thick accent] Do you want marmalade on your brioche toast?
Jay: Not a clue.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Well, I finished the video for my Juilliard application. I think they're going to be blown away.
Jay: Art school, huh? Well, you can always sell oranges by the side of the road.

Quote from Jay

Manny: [rapping on video] How does an artsy, well-read, child of divorce A Columbian dropped In the middle of a forgotten plot In suburbia with confidence and-
Jay: You copied that from that play "Hamilton," right?
Manny: I'm not sure "copied" is the word. It's more of an homage.
Jay: Well, I homaged it about two weeks on "Jay Talking." You saw that episode, right?
Gloria: Okay.
Jay: I rhymed "rice pudding" with "Cuba Gooding." Both delicious, by the way.

Quote from Jay

Manny: The deadline for early admission is tomorrow. I'll never come up with something great by then.
Jay: Yes, you will, and I'll help.
Manny: You'd do that for me?
Jay: Anything for you, kid.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I got to get this kid out of the house. All his crazy quirks. The farther away, the better. I keep leaving brochures around for schools at sea.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Okay. How about this? We open on a blank sheet of paper. Under a Mozart fugue, we suddenly see a drop of blood.
Jay: Is it the admissions committee slitting their wrists?
Manny: [sighs] Fine. The year is 18-
Jay: No! You're on the wrong track here. They're gonna get a million applications from artsy little snots. You've got to stand out. When everybody else zigs, you've got to zoink.
Manny: Isn't it "zag"?
Jay: Exactly.

Quote from Gloria

Dr. Gable: Okay, Joe, repeat after me. Red rover, red rover, red rover.
Joe: Wed wovah, wed wovah, wed wovah.
Dr. Gable: Okay, now I want you to try it with a big smile on your face.
Together: Red rover, red rover, red rover.
Dr. Gable: Oh. [chuckles]
Gloria: I am sorry. It's just sometimes I feel like my accent gets a little [mumbles unintelligibly] and it's gonna rub off on Fulgencio Joseph.
Dr. Gable: Well, you shouldn't blame yourself, if that's what you just said.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Walk along that wall, read from your script. Go.
Manny: [clears throat] Hola! "Welcome to the streets I call home. It's tough out here, so I've had to be tougher.
Because in a place where violence is currency and pain is your best friend" Okay, this is embarrassing. Please don't shoot this.
Jay: You're doing good! Hey, pretend like you're climbing over the wall, in case we want to say this is Mexico.
Manny: Not gonna happen.
Jay: Fine. Here's some spray-paint. Bubble letter me something about gringos.

Quote from Lily

Police Officer: Okay. Dwight Bullock. I have to arrest you. You've been a bad boy.
Dwight: But I didn't do it! I'm innocent! I don't know how that bottle got under the bed!
Mitchell: Now we're gonna take it down a notch.
Police Officer: Hold out your wrists. I've got to take you downtown.
Cameron: Dwight, I am very disappointed in you. There's no more football. No more school. Lily, is there anything you'd like to say to Dwight before he's taken to jail.
Lily: I guess. Martha Stewart said she used the prison time to work on herself.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [enunciating] Fred fed Ted bread. Ted fed Fred bread.
Jay: What am I looking at?
Gloria: [stilted accent] Joe's doctor gave me some sp-heech exer-cises to help me speak more clear-ely. The problem is I fee-ear I have forgotten how I used to talk.
Jay: Well, if it's any consolation, this isn't any worse.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [recording] My name is Manny Delgado, and I'm two people. I'm the child of an immigrant single mother, who taught me to believe in myself and dream big. I'm also the step-son of a businessman who opened his home and his heart to me and showed me, by example, how to make those dreams come true. Whatever I am, whatever I have to give, is a product of these two very different worlds.


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