Jay: You're probably right to nip that speech problem in the bud. Mitchell had a lisp we let slide. Now we got a lifetime of "What if?"
Gloria: That is so offensive. A lisp doesn't make you gay. Being gay makes you lisp.

Mitchell: Hey, I have an idea. Let's think of something we can all do together, okay? Just the four of us.
Cameron: Anything you want.
Mitchell: Absolutely anything.
[aside to camera:]
Lily: Three years ago, they gave me an "absolutely anything," and I wasted it on a Popsicle. That was not gonna happen again.

Claire: Oh, thank God. I smell coffee. This morning has gotten off to a bit of a... Rocky Horror Picture Show. What did you do to your face?
Phil: Just a little color to make my eyes pop. Like yours are now.
Haley: Is this how we find out you're transitioning? Oh, please don't pick a young name. The world doesn't need a 50-year-old Jasmine.
Phil: Trust me, this'll look completely normal on camera.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: This just in. I'm gonna be on the news. They're doing a segment on the real-estate market, and I'm their local expert. Back to you, Claire.

Cameron: [aside to camera] My star player Dwight has been living with us ever since his father was transferred to an army base in Florida. He's doing his part for our country, so I thought I could do my part for our team. Who's to say who the bigger hero is.
Mitchell: I will. He is.
Cameron: I've had to wake up a half hour earlier to use the bathroom-
Mitchell: The soldier is the hero.

Haley: Okay, hold still. You have very deep-set eyes.
Phil: In college, they called my "The Raccoon." Although, that could've been because I climbed in through the doggy door at Zeta house and stole a pie.

Claire: I'm confused. You want me to see that?
Phil: Well, someone there said I was a real natural. I can't remember who it was. Oh, that's right, Rainer Shine.
Claire: The cheesy weatherman?
Phil: No, the award-winning meteorologist. He's the recipient of back-to-back Golden Showers.
Claire: That cannot be the actual name-
Phil: It's their Oscars.

Jay: They're not all lies. I hear you the stories you two tell about the neighborhoods you lived in, growing up on the passenger seat of a cab. Sure, I put in what we professionals call "sizzle," but this is a part of who you are. And it's a lot easier to root for than a kid who insists that 72% of his chocolate is cocoa.
Manny: It's "cacao."
Gloria: [stilted accent] I believe that that is his point.

Manny: [recording] My name is Manny Delgado, and I'm two people. I'm the child of an immigrant single mother, who taught me to believe in myself and dream big. I'm also the step-son of a businessman who opened his home and his heart to me and showed me, by example, how to make those dreams come true. Whatever I am, whatever I have to give, is a product of these two very different worlds.

Alex: Ugh. Why can't I get this? Archimedes' exclamation.
Luke: Eureka.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: We may never know the answer to that clue, but it made me realize this was my chance to finally beat Alex at Scrabble. I have never beaten her. She's not the nicest winner.

Manny: Well, I finished the video for my Juilliard application. I think they're going to be blown away.
Jay: Art school, huh? Well, you can always sell oranges by the side of the road.