TV Quotes

Andy: So Michael had a little chat with corporate and they decided to send me to management training. Anger management, technically, but still, management material. This whole thing's supposed to take ten weeks. I expect to be done in five. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring and positive reinforcement through nods and smiles. So don't worry about old Andy Bernard. I'll be back. Just like Rambo.

Michael Scott: I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.

Michael Scott: My life! Oh, my life!
Dwight K. Schrute: [through a megaphone] Michael, what's wrong?
Michael Scott: Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office has caused me to go into a depression!
Dwight K. Schrute: Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael Scott: Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year according to a 2004 study.
Dwight K. Schrute: Is that the last year the data was available?
Michael Scott: Yes. My head is in such pain and turmoil.

[Jim arrives for work wearing glasses, a side-parting hair cut, and a pale yellow shirt:]
Jim: It's kind of blurry. That's better. Question, what kind of bear is best?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim: False. Black bear.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.
Jim: Fact, bears eat beets. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.
Dwight K. Schrute: Bears do not- What is going on? What are you doing?
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Four dollars. And it only cost me $7 to recreate the rest of the ensemble and that's a grand total of $11.
[back:]
Dwight K. Schrute: You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. So I thank you. Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
Jim: Michael!
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, that's funny. Michael!

Michael Scott: Okay, I have an announcement.
Oscar: You pushed Darryl out the window?
Phyllis: You shot Dwight?
Michael Scott: No. No, that is not funny. I love my employees. Even though I hit one of you with my car. For which I take full responsibility. Look, I'm just trying to take everybody's mind off of this unavoidable tragedy and on to more positive things. So I thought we should plant a tree.
Jim: Oh, good, so we don't have to work.
Pam: We're leaving for the hospital at 1:00.
Michael Scott: So, like, a freedom tree.
Pam: I can take 3 people.
Jim: I can also take 3 people.
Oscar: [to Kevin] Separate cars.
Michael Scott: Pam?
Pam: Alright, I will get a card at the hospital and we'll sign it outside her room.
Michael Scott: Pam.
Pam: Sales people can go later in the day. Hourly workers can go at lunch.
Michael Scott: Okay, good, good. So we'll just all go down there together at lunch. Excellent.
Pam: I was thinking-
Michael Scott: Good work, Pam.
Pam: But if you-
Michael Scott: Yaay, Pam!

Michael Scott: Body image. We are here because there is something wrong with society.
Jim: See, you're always saying there's something wrong with society, but maybe there's something's wrong with you.
Michael Scott: If it's me, then society made me that way. Now, I know a lot of you are probably asking yourself, "Why are you dressed in a plus-size suit?"
Kevin: Because you're kind of doing Michael Klump.
Michael Scott: How do you know Michael Klump?
Oscar: Because it's your "making fun of fat people" character.
Michael Scott: How dare you! Michael Klump is a celebration of fat people.
Oscar: I think of him as more like a monster. What about, "I say, I say, I say, I sit on you"?
Dwight K. Schrute: No. It goes "I say, I say, I say, I sit on you!"
Michael Scott: No, no! You know what? Fat people, are not monsters. Why don't you guys have a little more sensitivity to the subject? Bang! Boom! Case in point. Look at the outside of this building. It is ugly. But you come inside, and it is beautiful. Just like this unappealing fat suit. Inside is a rather handsome, sexy, man.

Michael Scott: And I also built this table.
Jim: What is that, chestnut?
Michael Scott: No, it's either pine of Nordic cherry.
Jan: It's pine.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Jim: I'm just terrible at this stuff, so that's cool.
Jan: Really?
Pam: Yeah. Yeah, he tried to set up my Tivo for me, but then I didn't have audio for a week.
Michael Scott: If you ever need any help, I'm just a phone call away.
Jan: I bet you are.