TV Quotes

Michael Scott: It's just, we need to get her out of here because no one is going to want to go in there with a woman writhing around on the floor. Wait, wait, wait. But most importantly we need to get her some medical attention. ASAP. Stat.

Michael Scott: I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.

Michael Scott: My life! Oh, my life!
Dwight K. Schrute: [through a megaphone] Michael, what's wrong?
Michael Scott: Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office has caused me to go into a depression!
Dwight K. Schrute: Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael Scott: Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year according to a 2004 study.
Dwight K. Schrute: Is that the last year the data was available?
Michael Scott: Yes. My head is in such pain and turmoil.

Robert: [answering phone] Yeah, hello?
Andy: [in cell phone] You once put me on a list of the losers in the office. Well, this loser just got your biggest client to give him all their business. So hire me back, that business is yours. Don't, and I will find another buyer.
Robert: You're blackmailing me.
Andy: It's just business.
Robert: Ah. [chuckles] Well, I will not be blackmailed by some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-penised debutante. You wanna start a street fight with me, bring it on, but you're gonna be surprised by how ugly it gets. You don't even know my real name. I'm the [bleep] lizard king.

[After Robert vomits in the trash can by Jim's desk]
Jim: Robert?
Oscar: Why did Binghamton close?
Robert: Can everyone just, please... I had a one-man saturnalia last night, in celebration of the finalization of my divorce. I got into a case of Australian reds, and – how should I say this – Colombian whites. What- What is this about, uh, Binghamton?
Kevin: The branch closed. Forever.
[aside to camera:]
Robert: Closing the Binghamton branch never occurred to me before today. Or, I guess, last night. But, in vino veritas, as they say. I'm not gonna start doubting my drunken self now.

Fred: No, I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I will be the new boss of... [looks back to glance at lobby directory] Vance Refrigeration.
[also to camera:]
Merv: Honestly, I think I- I sabotaged myself. It's like I'm afraid of being happy. Case in point, I was supposed to start another job today.
[also to camera:]
Robert: [chuckles] I will get offered the job. That's a call I've received many times. The slight hopefulness in their voice, the pregnant pause while they wait to hear my response, and then... my response.

Dwight K. Schrute: Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jonas.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Warf.
Angela: No Star Trek names.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Fine.
Angela: What if it's a girl?
Dwight K. Schrute: Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.
Angela: Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes you can.
Angela: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.
Angela: Absolutely not.