Phil: [aside to camera] Father-in-laws are tough, because you can't let 'em push you around and you also have to show them respect. It's like walking a tightrope. Which, by the way, I can do, because I went to trapeze school. Did Jay? I doubt it.

Alex: Mom, I am so, so sorry. I know it's no excuse, but I've been feeling a lot of pressure at school. You know, with friends. And I love you so much, and I appreciate everything you do for me. I'm still your little girl.
Claire: Oh, honey! That was so sweet.
Alex: Can I get $20? A bunch of us are going to a movie, and we're gonna get something to eat afterwards. Jenna's brother's gonna take us home.
Claire: Okay. Of course. Sweetie, you know what? Take 40.
Alex: Oh, my gosh.
Claire: Yeah. That's right.
Alex: Thanks, Mom.
Claire: Go on. Have a great time. [loudly] Oh, Alex, honey? When you're out shopping, you might wanna pick yourself up a training bra. I know you don't need one now, but your little boobies are gonna come in soon. Mommy loves you, kitten! Mwah! Mwah! [to herself] Teach her to screw with me.

Phil: [v.o.] What's my coaching philosophy? Give a kid a bird and he becomes one of those weird dudes who walks around with a bird on his shoulder. But give him a pair of wings, he can fly. Unless he has absolutely no hand-eye coordination.

Cameron: So, you gonna- you gonna call him?
Mitchell: I don't know. I mean, you know, I sort of promised myself and you that I'd take a little time off, and-
Cameron: And you are loving your time off.
Mitchell: Totally.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: I am losing my mind. As much as I love Lily- which is, you know, more than life itself- I am- whoo- not cut out to be a stay-at-home dad. No, but it's Cameron's turn. It's Cameron's turn to be out in the world interacting with other grown-ups while I get to stay at home and-and plot the death of Dora the Explorer. Like to fill her backpack with bricks and throw her into Candy Cane River.

Gloria: Ay, Dios mio, that coach.
Claire: Oh, I hate that guy.
Jay: He seems to have the kids motivated.
Claire: Oh, Dad, you haven't seen him. He taunts the kids. He's abusive.
Gloria: Listen, if this was a Colombian soccer league, long time ago, one of the kids would have taken that guy out and- [cutting sound]

Jay: Those steaks have been done for five minutes. I'm taking 'em off the grill.
Mitchell: I'm sorry. I know how it feels to have him stick his nose where it doesn't belong.
Phil: No biggie. It's just Jay being Jay. But one day I'm gonna be a grandfather, and then everybody better hide their meat.

Cameron: Maybe just to get your dad off your back.
Mitchell: Yeah. Yeah.
Cameron: I mean, because the last thing I want for you is to take a job right now. Mmm. I am loving our life.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I am in a really dark space. Being away from my Lily is literally torture. [weeping] And I can't pressure Mitchell, but I really, really, really just want him to get a job so I can go back to being a stay-at-home dad/trophy wife!

Alex: Why do I always have to come to these things?
Phil: Because you love your brother.
Alex: Why don't you make him come to my orchestra concerts?
Phil: Because we love your brother.

Claire: How come you're not coaching?
Phil: 'Cause your dad coached football.
Claire: I'm sorry. And I am going to make it up to you tonight.
Phil: And I'll be thinking of your dad while you do.
Claire: Mmm. Disturbing.

Charlie: Okay. Everybody, Mitchell Pritchett and his partner, Cameron.
Cameron: Business partners. Mergers and acquisitions. [chuckles] I'm kidding. We're gay.
Mitchell: Stop talking.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: When things are relaxed, I'm great in social situations. I would have fit in at the Algonquin Round Table. But when the stakes are high, I get a little tense. I'd be the guy that would knock over the round table. Then Dorothy Parker would make a quip, James Thurber would laugh, and then I would end up leaving, crying.