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34Quotes from ‘Benched’

Modern Family: Benched

120. Benched

Aired April 14, 2010

After Luke and Manny's basketball coach quits, Phil and Jay tussle over who should take the job. Jay arranges a job interview for Mitchell. Meanwhile, Claire and Gloria bond after Alex and Manny make it clear they're embarrassed by their mothers.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Father-in-laws are tough, because you can't let 'em push you around and you also have to show them respect. It's like walking a tightrope. Which, by the way, I can do, because I went to trapeze school. Did Jay? I doubt it.

Quote from Claire

Alex: Mom, I am so, so sorry. I know it's no excuse, but I've been feeling a lot of pressure at school. You know, with friends. And I love you so much, and I appreciate everything you do for me. I'm still your little girl.
Claire: Oh, honey! That was so sweet.
Alex: Can I get $20? A bunch of us are going to a movie, and we're gonna get something to eat afterwards. Jenna's brother's gonna take us home.
Claire: Okay. Of course. Sweetie, you know what? Take 40.
Alex: Oh, my gosh.
Claire: Yeah. That's right.
Alex: Thanks, Mom.
Claire: Go on. Have a great time. [loudly] Oh, Alex, honey? When you're out shopping, you might wanna pick yourself up a training bra. I know you don't need one now, but your little boobies are gonna come in soon. Mommy loves you, kitten! Mwah! Mwah! [to herself] Teach her to screw with me.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [v.o.] What's my coaching philosophy? Give a kid a bird and he becomes one of those weird dudes who walks around with a bird on his shoulder. But give him a pair of wings, he can fly. Unless he has absolutely no hand-eye coordination.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: So, you gonna- you gonna call him?
Mitchell: I don't know. I mean, you know, I sort of promised myself and you that I'd take a little time off, and-
Cameron: And you are loving your time off.
Mitchell: Totally.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: I am losing my mind. As much as I love Lily- which is, you know, more than life itself- I am- whoo- not cut out to be a stay-at-home dad. No, but it's Cameron's turn. It's Cameron's turn to be out in the world interacting with other grown-ups while I get to stay at home and-and plot the death of Dora the Explorer. Like to fill her backpack with bricks and throw her into Candy Cane River.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Ay, Dios mio, that coach.
Claire: Oh, I hate that guy.
Jay: He seems to have the kids motivated.
Claire: Oh, Dad, you haven't seen him. He taunts the kids. He's abusive.
Gloria: Listen, if this was a Colombian soccer league, long time ago, one of the kids would have taken that guy out and- [cutting sound]

Quote from Phil

Jay: Those steaks have been done for five minutes. I'm taking 'em off the grill.
Mitchell: I'm sorry. I know how it feels to have him stick his nose where it doesn't belong.
Phil: No biggie. It's just Jay being Jay. But one day I'm gonna be a grandfather, and then everybody better hide their meat.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Maybe just to get your dad off your back.
Mitchell: Yeah. Yeah.
Cameron: I mean, because the last thing I want for you is to take a job right now. Mmm. I am loving our life.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I am in a really dark space. Being away from my Lily is literally torture. [weeping] And I can't pressure Mitchell, but I really, really, really just want him to get a job so I can go back to being a stay-at-home dad/trophy wife!

Quote from Phil

Alex: Why do I always have to come to these things?
Phil: Because you love your brother.
Alex: Why don't you make him come to my orchestra concerts?
Phil: Because we love your brother.

Quote from Phil

Claire: How come you're not coaching?
Phil: 'Cause your dad coached football.
Claire: I'm sorry. And I am going to make it up to you tonight.
Phil: And I'll be thinking of your dad while you do.
Claire: Mmm. Disturbing.

Quote from Cameron

Charlie: Okay. Everybody, Mitchell Pritchett and his partner, Cameron.
Cameron: Business partners. Mergers and acquisitions. [chuckles] I'm kidding. We're gay.
Mitchell: Stop talking.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: When things are relaxed, I'm great in social situations. I would have fit in at the Algonquin Round Table. But when the stakes are high, I get a little tense. I'd be the guy that would knock over the round table. Then Dorothy Parker would make a quip, James Thurber would laugh, and then I would end up leaving, crying.

Quote from Mitchell

Charlie: Look, I've made a fortune. I want to use it for some good. I need a lawyer to help me navigate. I like you.
You get me. So, in or out?
Mitchell: Wow. I just-
Cameron: [clattering] I'm very sorry.
Charlie: It's okay.
Mitchell: Um, that's a very big question. You know, I'm obviously gonna have to go talk to my- [clattering] Bull in a china shop. I'll be right back.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Listen. I don't blame you for being angry. All right? I'm used to taking charge. That's all. I should have let you coach from the get-go.
Phil: And?
Jay: I love you.
Phil: No. The barbecue.
Jay: Oh, for God's sake. I'm sure your steaks would have been delicious and not chewy.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: I set a pick and then rolled towards the basket. Luke passed to me. I shot the ball and almost made it.
Gloria: Ay. I bought Lily the cutest little dress today.
Manny: And then I stole the ball from the other team, did a 360 and almost dunked it.
Gloria: That's nice. Ay. I just had the best day today with Lily. That girl's so sweet.
Manny: I have a game next Saturday. You could come.
Gloria: No, it's okay. I wouldn't want to embarrass you. I'll probably take Lily out for cupcakes. Mm-hmm.
Manny: Okay. [to Jay] Any suggestions?
Jay: I usually go with earrings.

Quote from Jay

Phil: Steaks will be ready in five minutes.
Jay: You're destroying those things.
Gloria: Ay, Jay, leave him alone.
Jay: No, I'm sorry, but that cow has suffered long enough.
Phil: Fun.

Quote from Manny

Luke: Coach wants us to practice layups.
Manny: They are deceptively hard- a curious mix of dance and strength.
Luke: You're making it lame again.
Manny: Sorry.

Quote from Phil

Jay: A coach is supposed to ride the kids hard. Phil, help me out here.
Phil: He's a mean man.
Jay: Oh, you're such a woman.
Phil: Come to the game. You'll see. This guy's a real motherscratcher. Pardon the language, Gloria.
Claire: "Gloria"?
Phil: He better cool it, or I'm gonna introduce him to [holding his fists up] the Captain and Tennille.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Since Mitchell is between jobs, I've taken a part-time job at a greeting card store, which I love. Plus, with my discount, we're saving a fortune.
Mitchell: How is spending a ton of money on greeting cards saving us a fortune?
Cameron: It's math.
Mitchell: It's really not.
Cameron: Look it up.
Mitchell: $2.95. $2.95. $4.95.
Cameron: Forty percent off. Forty percent off. Forty percent off.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Mitchell, I got this golf buddy of mine. Great guy. Super successful. You two should talk. It could mean a job for you.
Mitchell: Oh, thanks, Dad, but I'm- I'm not really looking for anything right now.
Cameron: But- Yeah, that's right. With me bringing home the bacon, Mitchell doesn't have to rush into anything.
Jay: Yeah, I know you have all that greeting card "screw you" money, but, uh, talk to the guy? He's expecting your call in the morning.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Ooh. Who's she?
Mitchell: I hate it when you do that.
Cameron: Who's he?
Mitchell: It's Charlie Bingham. He's the guy that my dad wanted me to call. I googled him. Look.
Cameron: Oh, he owns Earthgear Apparel. I have their ski pants.
Mitchell: Really? You don't- You don't ski.
Cameron: I have cargo pants and I don't work at the docks.

Quote from Gloria

Coach: Delgado, you're killing me, man!
Gloria: I love you, Manny, no matter what!

Quote from Jay

Jay: What you need to start doing is a little more coaching and a little less yelling. 'Cause if I hear you call one of these kids stupid again, I swear to God, I'll throw a shoe at your head.

Quote from Jay

Phil: Jay, you know, I was handling it.
Jay: Yeah, I saw how you broke out Peaches and Herb.
Phil: It's the Captain and- [buzzer sounds]

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay. So, your old coach had to leave for a little while.
Luke: Why? Is he sick?
Phil: Yes. He's very, very sick.
Boy: Is he going to die?
Phil: Everybody dies, boys. Let's focus on what's important.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Mwah! I'm so proud of you.
Manny: We need to talk.
Gloria: Okay. What happened?
Manny: Mom, I love you, but your words of encouragement encourage the other kids to make fun of me.
Gloria: Ay. Okay. I won't say anything else on the next game. Promise.
Manny: We both know that your Latin blood makes that impossible. I think it would be better if you didn't come to the next game.
Gloria: [whimpers]

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: So, we just went ahead and parked on that round thingy in the driveway. Is that- That's fine, right?
Charlie: No problem. It's a turntable, so you don't have to back out.
Cameron: Oh. [chuckles] You have a car turntable and you're wearing rubber. You're like Batman.
Charlie: [laughs] I really am. Come on in.

Quote from Cameron

Charlie: Pardon the get-up. Killer waves today. You guys surf?
Cameron: Um, only for bargains on the Web.

Quote from Alex

Claire: How long you been on the lam?
Alex: What?
Claire: Honey, you are looking around like the feds are after you.
Alex: No, I'm not. Let's just get this over with.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] And just like that- my baby girl became a teenager. [snaps fingers] She entered that dreaded phase where my very existence embarrasses her.
Phil: I-I think I can help. You're not your mom. [off Claire's look] Wow. That's your mom. Oh, I just got chills.

Quote from Mitchell

Charlie: You are a good lawyer.
Mitchell: I don't know.
Charlie: If you'd handled my divorce, this house would be twice as big.
Cameron: Oh, he's better than good. Try winning an argument with him. Last night I wanted to have Indian food-
Mitchell: And we're talking again.

Quote from Mitchell

Charlie: Top of your class at Cornell and Columbia Law. Had your pick ofjobs, but instead chose to work in environmental law- until last month.
Cameron: Well- And he used to be a really great figure skater.
Charlie: Why'd you quit?
Cameron: His sister lost interest, and then there was-
Mitchell: He means my job.
Charlie: Could tell me about figure skating too.
Mitchell: Um, well, it was- She did lose interest.
Charlie: That's enough.
Mitchell: Okay.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: [to Lily] Come here, sweetie. Oh, sweet thing. You love me and you want me to buy you a dress.
Gloria: Ay. But I'm gonna buy her some shoes first.
Claire: Mmm. What's that, Lily? Do you want me to buy you a dress? She said "yes."
Gloria: "Yes"? She did not say "yes."

Quote from Gloria

Claire: Still wish you had a daughter?
Gloria: Manny didn't want me at the game today.
Claire: Oh, I'm sorry.
Gloria: It's okay.
Claire: No, it's not okay. It sucks.
Gloria: I miss babies. They never tell you to go away.
Claire: Yeah. Or wait in the car. I don't know about you, but I'm not gonna stand here and feel sorry for myself. You know what we should do?
Gloria: Get pregnant.
Claire: I was gonna say go for ice cream.
Gloria: Okay. We'll do yours first.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam, you have got to relax. I told you I wouldn't take a job without-
Cameron: Take the job.
Mitchell: What?
Cameron: I want you to take the job.
Mitchell: I thought you liked having me home with Lily.
Cameron: I- I don't. I mean, I do. I just- I miss my time with Lily, and I know it's selfish of me, but-
Mitchell: No, I want the job.
Cameron: You do?
Mitchell: Oh, my God, yes. I- I love Lily, but I hate baby talk.
Cameron: I wuv baby talk.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam, we- Did we do that?
Cameron: What are we gonna say?
Charlie: Oh.
Mitchell: I will take the job.
Charlie: Kinda think you have to now.
Mitchell: Yeah.


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