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42Quotes from ‘Playdates’

Modern Family: Playdates

710. Playdates

Aired January 6, 2016

Claire and Phil have dinner plans with a wealthy couple they met on vacation, but Claire is annoyed that they never seem to pick up the bill. Gloria organizes a play date for Joe with a boy in his class, but she is particularly interested in her and Jay bonding with Wesley's parents. Jay is offended by the suggestion he's in the same age group as Wesley's eighty-something father. Meanwhile, Haley, Alex and Luke struggle to put together a fun day for Mitchell when he redeems his birthday coupon.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] It was adorable. Lily was clearly smitten with that little Canadian Monte. Just heard that. Delightful. It was a rite of passage that I had been looking forward to - my daughter's first crush. And I wanted to be there for her in a way that no one was there for me. Of course, my first crush was on a statue of a confederate general in front of a courthouse. That's the same year they put up the "do not climb the statue" signs.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: What did you miss?
Marty: It's Fred and Ginger week on TCM. They're showing "Swing Time," and I forgot to record it.
Jay: Let me tell you about a little innovation called Netflix. You'll never miss another movie again.
Marty: Really?
Jay: Hand to god. You pick a film on your computer. Three days later, there's a disk in your mailbox. You got to stay up with technology, Marty.
Marty: Wow. Thanks. [to Vicki] Can you believe he doesn't know about streaming? If I ever get that out of touch, kill me.

Quote from Lily

Lily: If you're going to keep giggling, I'll do my own nails.
Cameron: I'm sorry. It's just funny, the juxtaposition.
Lily: I get it, I'm Asian. Ha ha ha. It's racist, daddy.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Pepper, can you hear me? Pepper, can you see me? Pepper, I am standing in the driveway...

Quote from Jay

Gloria: What is wrong with you today?
Jay: I'm sick of Marty lumping me into the same age category as him. "Guys like us," "back in our day." I'm a baby boomer, for god's sake. I know all the words to "Light My Fire."

Quote from Haley

Alex: Why would he just show up? Shouldn't he have given us some notice?
Haley: I kind of remember him calling about it, but I would've put it in my phone- Oh, there it is.
Alex: Of course.
Haley: Oh, my god. I'm supposed to be cat-sitting.
Alex: We have to figure out something good. He's the first to call us on our birthdays, and he always gets us amazing presents. Are you even listening to me?
Haley: How long can a cat go without eating?

Quote from Manny

Manny: My mustache. I've been growing it for weeks, and the two of you have been conspicuously silent.
Gloria: It's very dashing.
Jay: What mustache?
Manny: Right, Jay. Like I'm supposed to believe you didn't see it.
Jay: You got me. Check you later, Serpico.
Joe: Serpico!
Manny: You don't even know who that is.

Quote from Jay

Vicky: And France was just beautiful.
Marty: I hadn't been there since D-day. Took me the same amount of time to get across that beach, though. You were in the service?
Jay: Yeah, but different war.
Marty: Oh, Korea. Me too.
Jay: No, next war. Keep going.

Quote from Jay

Vicky: Jay, Gloria tells me you have kids from your first marriage. So does Marty.
Marty: Yeah. My oldest is, uh, 66. Was. She passed last year.
Gloria: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Jay: Well, that's young. What was it?
Marty: Natural causes. I blame most of it on stress. So much more pressure than there was years ago. Back in our day-
Jay: Different day. Not the same day. Actually more your dead daughter's day. May she rest in peace.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Mom, we need to talk.
Gloria: What are you doing here? You're supposed to be watching the kids.
Manny: Wesley is a bad influence on Joe. He's rude and disrespectful, and I think you should nip this friendship in the bud.
Gloria: He made fun of your mustache, didn't he?
Manny: What kind of 4-year-old knows the word "wispy"?

Quote from Jay

Marty: How many times a night do you have to get up to pee? I'm up to four or five.
Jay: Not me, old-timer. Twice tops. Once last month, I even slept through the night. Now, I'm gonna refresh this 'cause I got nothing to worry about. [to Gloria] I'm literally in a pissing contest with the son of a bitch.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Look, I want you to be able to talk to me about this kind of stuff. It's completely natural and healthy to have feelings for someone. And you know what? I think he likes you, too. You just have to draw him out, you know? Flirt a little.
Lily: How?
Cameron: Uh, well, you just sit down in front of him, look him straight in the eye, put a big smile on your face, and ask him some questions, like, "So, do you have any hobbies? Is Canada really as beautiful as they say it is? Are you a fan of the bacon?"
Lily: Why are you blinking like that?
Cameron: Well, because I'm sending him signals. Okay, what else? Oh. Definitely compliment him on his outfit, laugh at his jokes.
Lily: What if they aren't funny?
Cameron: Oh, honey, the cute ones rarely are. God doesn't give with both hands.

Quote from Mitchell

Luke: Dude, look. Her gate is open. We should get a picture of you in her driveway. How awesome of a birthday fun day gift would that be?
Mitchell: Okay. You know what? Pepper would die. He loved "Yentl" so much, he had a second Bar Mitzvah.

Quote from Mitchell

Ray Liotta: "Goodfellas"? "Something Wild"? "Field of Dreams"?
Mitchell: "Field of Dreams."
Luke: Never seen it.
Alex: We're really not that old.
Mitchell: Look, Ray Liotta is a very fine actor, and we have taken up enough of his time.
Ray Liotta: Stop saying my full name like you have to keep telling them who I am.

Quote from Mitchell

Haley: So, wait, you live with Barbra Streisand?
Ray Liotta: Y-y-you got the map.
Haley: Yeah.
Ray Liotta: She lived here for about two months, fifteen years ago. You think the bastards would update these things to reflect the current movie-star owners.
Mitchell: Thank you. Come on, kids. We're very sorry to have bothered you.
Ray Liotta: No, no, no. I don't want you to leave empty-handed. Come on in for a selfie.
Mitchell: Oh. All right.
Ray Liotta: Um, here. When you see my movies later, you're gonna realize that this is a special moment. Come on. And cheese. See? That's an old actor's trick for a perfect smile. Except you and I are smiling. You guys aren't smiling.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Can I tell you a little secret?
Lily: No!
Cameron: Well, when I made a move on my first crush, it went way worse. It was New Year's Eve, and I went to give him a kiss, and my tongue froze to his cheek.
Lily: Why did it freeze?
Cameron: It was cold, and he was made out of bronze, and I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Do you know that Vicky and I are the oldest moms in the class by a lot?
Jay: So?
Gloria: This might surprise you, but aging is also a big deal for women. I need Vicky to be my friend. I feel out of place around all those young moms. And if you don't like her husband, maybe she'll stop liking me.
Jay: Gloria, I'm trying, but it's-
Gloria: At least you're not the oldest dad. Can't you enjoy that? When was the last time that you were the young stud in the room?
Jay: When I put mom in that nursing home. That was quite a rush.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: So, are you going to be nice?
Jay: Yes. He's not a bad guy. And really, how much longer am I gonna have to put up with him?
Gloria: Ay, no, Jay. Don't say that. You're going to live a long life.
Jay: Not me! Grandpa out there!
Gloria: Shh! He can hear you.

Quote from Luke

Ray Liotta: [to intercom] Hello? Is Barbra home? It's Ray Liotta.
Luke: You know, from "Goodfellas."
Haley: "Something Wild."
Alex: "Field of Dreams."
Barbra Streisand: [over intercom] Oh, I know who he is.

Quote from Mitchell

Barbra Streisand: [over intercom] You sound very sweet, Mitchell.
Ray Liotta: I-I was thinking maybe as a special treat, you could-
Barbra Streisand: I'm not singing into my gate, Ray.
Mitchell: Well, it was very nice to talk to you. I did have a quick question about-
Barbra Streisand: Goodbye.
Mitchell: It's fine.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: When I tell the story, it ends with her singing "Happy Birthday."

Quote from Haley

Luke: I'm starving. Any chance that's for me?
Haley: Oh, no. It is for mom. I'm planning on making some bad choices tonight, and I'm gonna need her on my side.
Alex: I never realized the forethought that went into being a disappointment.

Quote from Haley

Alex: [aside to camera] We forgot to get Uncle Mitchell a present for his last birthday.
Luke: So, we came up with this great idea: a coupon for a fun day with the three of us.
Haley: It was perfect because it was so sweet and we'd never have to do it.

Quote from Luke

Alex: Haley, he is the best uncle there is. This cannot be our present.
Luke: [singing] It's your birthday I'm an omelet, it's your birthday
Mitchell: I don't know what's happening, but I love it.
Luke: It's your birthday
Mitchell: It's my birthday
Luke: I'm an omelet
Mitchell: You're an omelet

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Last summer, Phil and I went to Cabo for five days, and we met Tom and Lisa Delaney, and we had so much fun, we make sure to see them every time they're in town.
Phil: Tom's a hugely successful investment banker.
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: He does tons of charity work, he runs a marathon in 3:24, and he flies his own helicopter.
Claire: Yeah, and Lisa-
Phil: Yeah, she is one lucky lady.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Okay, that's it. If you hate it so much, just tell me.
Jay: Fine. Your cologne is horrible. You smell like a stripper died in a cabin.
Manny: I'm not talking about my cologne.
Gloria: That's why I hang back and wait for him to get specific.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay. Where are you going with your golf clubs?
Jay: Take a shot in the dark.
Gloria: But we have a playdate.
Jay: Really? We just had one last night. Not that I'm saying no. Just quicker turnaround than usual.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: A playdate for Joe. And both parents are coming, so you have to be here.
Jay: You've got to be kidding me. I mean, it's bad enough that these kids today have to make a date to play with each other. They can't go in the street and kick a can or drool over a friend's centerfold of Kim Novak.
Gloria: Say something I understand.

Quote from Luke

Luke: We can't just keep driving around. We need to go somewhere.
Alex: Focus, people. What does uncle Mitchell like?
Haley: I don't know. Gay things, right? What's the gayest thing you can think of?
Luke: He's married to it.

Quote from Alex

Haley: Charlize Theron, Harrison Ford, Halle Berry.
Alex: None of these seem very Uncle Mitchell.
Map Seller: What does Uncle Mitchell like?
Luke: Gay things.
Map Seller: Then here's the mother lode.
Haley: Barbra Streisand! Perfect!
Alex: Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. How do we know these maps are real?
Map Seller: You think I built this whole business on fake maps?
Alex: What business? You got a sign and a lawn chair.

Quote from Jay

Vicky: Hi! Gloria, this is my husband, Marty.
Marty: Look at you. Pretty as a pinup. And where's the lucky husband I've been hearing about?
Gloria: Marty, that's Jay.
Marty: Oh, good. You are old. I was scared they were exaggerating.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Anybody want some cheese?
Marty: Not me. Gums up the old ticker. Jay knows about that.
Jay: No idea. Love the stuff.
Gloria: Just be careful with the almonds. You may break the denture.
Jay: Uh, it's not a denture. It's an implant. How many times have we been over this?
Marty: You forget stuff, too, huh?
Jay: I never forget anything.
Gloria: When we park at the mall, we have to take a picture.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Okay, do not have a heart attack, but when you take off your blindfold, you will be standing in front of none other than the legendary superstar-
Mitchell: Who?
Haley: The one and only-
Mitchell: Who?
Haley: Ms. Barbra Streisand-
Mitchell: Oh, my!
Haley: -'s house.

Quote from Luke

Ray Liotta: Excuse me. Can I help you?
Mitchell: I'm so sorry. We were just- Oh, my god. You're Ray Liotta.
Luke: Wow. He really is a big fan. He even knows the name of her gardener.

Quote from Luke

Alex: It's not you, Mr. Liotta. We just really feel like we let our uncle down. We were supposed to plan a special day for his birthday, and we totally flaked.
Haley: We're so sorry. We tried to figure out where to take you, and we know how much you love Barbra Streisand.
Luke: You always give us the most awesome gifts. We suck.
Mitchell: Don't say that. I kind of figured you didn't have anything by the second verse of the omelet dance.
Luke: Hey, I've had no training.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: But then I saw how hard you were trying to make me happy, and I just love hanging out with you guys. Plus, I did get to meet Ray Lio- Ray.
Ray Liotta: You're also gonna meet Barbra.
Mitchell: What? No.
Ray Liotta: I've been meaning to go by her house anyway. I've got a bunch of her mail.
Mitchell: Oh, you don't have to do that.
Ray Liotta: No, no, no, no. You remind me of- Of someone that I loved when I was a kid. I had a funny uncle, too.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Do you have any hobbies?
Rob: Well, I like rock climbing.
Monte: I collect Pokemon.
Lily: [to Rob] I hear Canada's nice. Do you like bacon?

Quote from Lily

Lily: I love your shirt. Is it new?
Rob: Oh, I think this shirt's older than you are.
Lily: Oh! Ha ha ha ha!
Cameron: Okay, Lily, can I see you in the bedroom, please?
Lily: Older than I am. Oh, Rob, you're killing me!

Quote from Jay

Gloria: What are you doing?
Jay: Marty said guys our age can't do 10 sit-ups.
Marty: I don't remember saying it, but it sounds like me.

Quote from Phil

Phil: They're going to figure it out, Tom. We were drunk on margaritas, and we wanted to find out whose wife would eat the most crickets.
Claire and Lisa: What?!
Tom: Doesn't seem like they were circling that, Phil.
Claire: You were just g-grabbing crickets and sneaking them into our food?
Phil: Not live ones. They were roasted.

Quote from Claire

Claire: I'd like to give you two a little something to think about. Most of the food you eat is prepared by us.
Lisa: Or by our private chef. But I-I like where you're going.
Claire: Next time you take a bite of a big, juicy burger or dig into a bowl of spaghetti, there's gonna be an extra special ingredient in there, and it won't be love.

Quote from Mitchell

Barbra Streisand: [over intercom] What's up, Ray?
Ray Liotta: Barbra, I have some of your mail from when you used to live over at Cedarhurst. And I have a friend here that would like-
Barbra Streisand: Just leave the mail by the gate. I'll send someone down.
Ray Liotta: O-okay, but-
Barbra Streisand: Oy. There's more?
Mitchell: Uh, Ms. Streisand, hi. My- My name is Mitchell Pritchett, and I have been a fan of yours since I can't even remember, and- Oh, your artistry and integrity has inspired me my whole life, and I just- Aaaah! I can't even believe I'm talking to you right now.
Barbra Streisand: Please. I'm just a regular person, like you. I have people put on my pants one leg at a time.
Mitchell: [laughs] That's so funny.
Ray Liotta: Barbra, today is his birthday!
Mitchell: Well, technically, it was three weeks ago.
Ray Liotta: All right, you're blowing it.

Quote from Jay

Marty: Oh, shoot. It's past 3:00.
Jay: What's wrong? You late for dinner?
Gloria: Jay.


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