Cameron: [aside to camera] It was adorable. Lily was clearly smitten with that little Canadian Monte. Just heard that. Delightful. It was a rite of passage that I had been looking forward to - my daughter's first crush. And I wanted to be there for her in a way that no one was there for me. Of course, my first crush was on a statue of a confederate general in front of a courthouse. That's the same year they put up the "do not climb the statue" signs.

Gloria: What did you miss?
Marty: It's Fred and Ginger week on TCM. They're showing "Swing Time," and I forgot to record it.
Jay: Let me tell you about a little innovation called Netflix. You'll never miss another movie again.
Marty: Really?
Jay: Hand to god. You pick a film on your computer. Three days later, there's a disk in your mailbox. You got to stay up with technology, Marty.
Marty: Wow. Thanks. [to Vicki] Can you believe he doesn't know about streaming? If I ever get that out of touch, kill me.

Lily: If you're going to keep giggling, I'll do my own nails.
Cameron: I'm sorry. It's just funny, the juxtaposition.
Lily: I get it, I'm Asian. Ha ha ha. It's racist, daddy.

Mitchell: Pepper, can you hear me? Pepper, can you see me? Pepper, I am standing in the driveway...

Gloria: What is wrong with you today?
Jay: I'm sick of Marty lumping me into the same age category as him. "Guys like us," "back in our day." I'm a baby boomer, for god's sake. I know all the words to "Light My Fire."

Alex: Why would he just show up? Shouldn't he have given us some notice?
Haley: I kind of remember him calling about it, but I would've put it in my phone- Oh, there it is.
Alex: Of course.
Haley: Oh, my god. I'm supposed to be cat-sitting.
Alex: We have to figure out something good. He's the first to call us on our birthdays, and he always gets us amazing presents. Are you even listening to me?
Haley: How long can a cat go without eating?

Manny: My mustache. I've been growing it for weeks, and the two of you have been conspicuously silent.
Gloria: It's very dashing.
Jay: What mustache?
Manny: Right, Jay. Like I'm supposed to believe you didn't see it.
Jay: You got me. Check you later, Serpico.
Joe: Serpico!
Manny: You don't even know who that is.

Vicky: And France was just beautiful.
Marty: I hadn't been there since D-day. Took me the same amount of time to get across that beach, though. You were in the service?
Jay: Yeah, but different war.
Marty: Oh, Korea. Me too.
Jay: No, next war. Keep going.

Vicky: Jay, Gloria tells me you have kids from your first marriage. So does Marty.
Marty: Yeah. My oldest is, uh, 66. Was. She passed last year.
Gloria: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Jay: Well, that's young. What was it?
Marty: Natural causes. I blame most of it on stress. So much more pressure than there was years ago. Back in our day-
Jay: Different day. Not the same day. Actually more your dead daughter's day. May she rest in peace.

Manny: Mom, we need to talk.
Gloria: What are you doing here? You're supposed to be watching the kids.
Manny: Wesley is a bad influence on Joe. He's rude and disrespectful, and I think you should nip this friendship in the bud.
Gloria: He made fun of your mustache, didn't he?
Manny: What kind of 4-year-old knows the word "wispy"?