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‘The Wedding (Part 1)’ Quotes

Modern Family: The Wedding (Part 1)

523. The Wedding (Part 1)

Aired May 14, 2014

When Mitchell and Cameron's big day finally arrives, wedding planner Pepper Saltzman is put to the test by an unexpected series of events. Jay and Gloria play host to Cameron's parents, Barb and Merle. Meanwhile, Alex shepherds Phil around after an eye exam, and Claire picks Luke up from camp.

Quote from Sal

Sal: Surprise! Guess who's on time.
Mitchell: Oh, my God! Sal, wow, you're pregnant.
Cameron: Congratulations!
Sal: Thank you. We're really excited.
Lily: You're huge.
Sal: Nice teeth.

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Quote from Alex

Alex: [aside to camera] My dad would never admit this, but when he wants fun he goes straight to Luke. They have a weird connection. They're like Batman and Robin. Dad and I are more like Batman and Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell! Mitchell! Look at this. Do you think you could fit in there?
Mitchell: I'm not doing that.
Cameron: Then what am I gonna wear to our wedding? My black funeral suit? Is that the tone you want to set?
Mitchell: You wore it to one funeral. And you didn't even know Bea Arthur.
Cameron: I felt like I did.
Mitchell: I know.

Quote from Sal

Sal: Cam, Mitch, Peps, this guy. This is Eddie, my baby daddy.
Cameron: So, why didn't you tell us?
Sal: Oh, you know, we just wanted to get through that first trimester before we let the cat out of the bag.
Pepper: When was that last summer?
Mitchell: So, y-you're you're how far along now?
Eddie: About four months. Right, honey?
Sal: Four months. Yep. Yeah. Just about the exact amount of time Eddie and I have been together.
Ronaldo: I don't understand. Four is this many, yes?
Pepper: Si.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Mrs. P. My darn taxi never came. I'm gonna miss my flight.
Gloria: No.
Andy: I just I don't want to deal with this right now. 'Cause I'm already so scared of flying. I just hate everything about it. Except for the food. I don't understand how they get such bold flavors out of that tiny kitchen.

Quote from Pepper

Cameron: Good morning, almost husband.
MI:Good morning, almost- Oh, no! No!
Cameron: Oh! Oh!
Pepper: Oh, calm down. This can't be the first time you've woken up with other men in your bedroom.

Quote from Ronaldo

Ronaldo: Happy wedding day!
Mitchell: What are you doing here?
Ronaldo: You pay for a full-service wedding, you get our full packages.
Pepper: Ohh. Close, honey. So close.

Quote from Pepper

Ronaldo: The car will pick you up at 4:00 to whisk you away to your beautiful hilltop wedding.
Cameron: How's the weather? I had a dream it rained on everyone.
Pepper: Dry as a bone. The only thing it will be raining tonight is men.

Quote from Sal

Mitchell: Has anyone heard from Sal?
Pepper: No. And I will never understand why you asked that boozy us-hag to officiate your wedding.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: We didn't exactly ask Sal.
[flashback:]
Cameron: Sal. We have something very important to talk to you about.
Mitchell: Yeah, we hope that maybe you would be open to the idea-
Sal: Yes! I will totally officiate your wedding! Oh, my drinks!
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: It was supposed to be an intervention.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] My mother can't come to the wedding. She was at a yoga retreat, and she fell out of a warrior pose, and she broke her hip.
Cameron: Should we consider the possibility that someone pushed her?
Mitchell: Cam, please. They were a bunch of peace-loving hippies who spent two weeks in the rainforest with my mother. Of course someone pushed her.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [on the phone] I'm actually relieved she's not coming. She has given me the gift of a crazy-free wedding.
Claire: I know. I was just a little sad for you. Mom's a no-show, and you and dad are hardly even speaking.
Mitchell: Enough about dad. He doesn't get gay weddings, and I don't get track suits as casualwear.

Quote from Jay

Merle Tucker: Damn, this is the best cup of coffee I ever had.
Gloria: Manny roasts his own beans every Friday night.
Jay: That kid's gonna be roasting his own beans for a long time, if you know what I mean.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I can't handle this. We're getting married in five hours. I don't have my perfectly tailored tux. I can't just go buy something off the rack. I'm not Cindy Crawford.
Mitchell: Why a woman? I'm just wondering.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Can you see better in here?
Phil: A little, but those drops are really hanging on. I'm like Han Solo right when he came out of the carbonite. Really? Nothing?
Alex: I get it. It's "Star Trek."
Phil: You're breaking my heart.
Alex: Save it for Luke. He'll love that.

Quote from Jay

Merle Tucker: So, Cam tells me you and Mitch had a little dust-up.
Jay: Yeah. A couple of weeks ago. That kid can hold a grudge.
Merle Tucker: A little uncomfortable about that wedding, are you?
Jay: Well, you know what I'm feeling, right?
Merle Tucker: I'd like to think I've evolved on the subject. We got a couple of lesbo swans in the pond. They seem pretty happy.

Quote from Andy

Haley: So, what are you gonna do in Utah?
Andy: Well, me and my girlfriend haven't seen each other in a while, so we're gonna be like a couple of bunny rabbits.
Haley: Wow.
Andy: Just hopping all over town.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey, my phone just buzzed. Can you read it? I don't want to put our lives at risk.
Haley: It's, uh, it's from the airline. Your flight's delayed three hours.
Andy: Three hours?!
Haley: Yeah.
Andy: Ohh! Jinkies! I guess we can just drop me off at a coffee shop, and I can take a cab from there.
Haley: Okay. Actually, I really need to wake up. Maybe I'll grab a coffee with you, if you don't mind.
Andy: Please. The more I talk to people, the less I imagine plummeting to my death in a fiery spiral of screaming and crying.
Haley: Pretty dark for someone who just said "jinkies."

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [on the phone] Well, I guess we have different definitions of "emergency," then. You know, I'm just gonna say it little bit of attitude.
Mitchell: Well, you requested a S.W.A.T. team.

Quote from Claire

Luke: It's not working!
Claire: And there's no oar? We are literally up a creek without a paddle?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Yes, picking up for Dunphy. It's on hold, I believe. Beautiful day, huh? I was told.
Sales Clerk: Here we go. Credit card?
Phil: Uh, just to be sure, that is turquoise, right? Because my wife said it also comes in emerald.
Sales Clerk: Yes. Sir, it's a very long line.
Phil: Mm. Okay. Um, can I have it for one second? Thank you. Yep, that doesn't feel like turquoise.
Sales Clerk: You can feel color? You gotta be kidding me.
Phil: When you lose one sense, all your other senses become heightened. That's why you sound so loud and judge-y to me.
Sales Clerk: My mistake, sir. I'll be right back. [fakes footsteps] Here it is.
Woman: Hey, he's messing with the blind guy.
Phil: Thank you wherever you are.
Sales Clerk: I don't think he's really blind.
Alex: Excuse me. My father suffered methanol poisoning on a humanitarian mission in Honduras, resulting in permanent neurological dysfunction and irreversible blindness. It's been hard enough on our family without people like you making it worse. If he feels it's not the bowl, it's not the bowl.
Sales Clerk: I'm so sorry. I'll check on the turquoise.

Quote from Luke

Claire: Come on. Then what has been going on with you recently? You've been so moody.
Luke: I'm sorry, but I'm sick of going to school and hearing teachers say, "You're Alex Dunphy's brother? Really?" Like I'm an idiot.
Claire: Oh, honey, you're not an idiot.
Luke: I forgot the paddle even though we just learned the boating checklist yesterday. Alex would never do that. And if she did, she'd probably, like I don't know use this fishing rod to cast out and hook us on the shore because "I'm so smart." And then she'd pull us in because everything she does always works.
Claire: Oh, my God. It's working. It's working!
Luke: Figures. Alex.


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