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46Quotes from ‘The Wedding (Part 1)’

Modern Family: The Wedding (Part 1)

523. The Wedding (Part 1)

Aired May 14, 2014

When Mitchell and Cameron's big day finally arrives, wedding planner Pepper Saltzman is put to the test by an unexpected series of events. Jay and Gloria play host to Cameron's parents, Barb and Merle. Meanwhile, Alex shepherds Phil around after an eye exam, and Claire picks Luke up from camp.

Quote from Sal

Sal: Surprise! Guess who's on time.
Mitchell: Oh, my God! Sal, wow, you're pregnant.
Cameron: Congratulations!
Sal: Thank you. We're really excited.
Lily: You're huge.
Sal: Nice teeth.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [aside to camera] My dad would never admit this, but when he wants fun he goes straight to Luke. They have a weird connection. They're like Batman and Robin. Dad and I are more like Batman and Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell! Mitchell! Look at this. Do you think you could fit in there?
Mitchell: I'm not doing that.
Cameron: Then what am I gonna wear to our wedding? My black funeral suit? Is that the tone you want to set?
Mitchell: You wore it to one funeral. And you didn't even know Bea Arthur.
Cameron: I felt like I did.
Mitchell: I know.

Quote from Sal

Sal: Cam, Mitch, Peps, this guy. This is Eddie, my baby daddy.
Cameron: So, why didn't you tell us?
Sal: Oh, you know, we just wanted to get through that first trimester before we let the cat out of the bag.
Pepper: When was that last summer?
Mitchell: So, y-you're you're how far along now?
Eddie: About four months. Right, honey?
Sal: Four months. Yep. Yeah. Just about the exact amount of time Eddie and I have been together.
Ronaldo: I don't understand. Four is this many, yes?
Pepper: Si.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Mrs. P. My darn taxi never came. I'm gonna miss my flight.
Gloria: No.
Andy: I just I don't want to deal with this right now. 'Cause I'm already so scared of flying. I just hate everything about it. Except for the food. I don't understand how they get such bold flavors out of that tiny kitchen.

Quote from Pepper

Cameron: Good morning, almost husband.
MI:Good morning, almost- Oh, no! No!
Cameron: Oh! Oh!
Pepper: Oh, calm down. This can't be the first time you've woken up with other men in your bedroom.

Quote from Ronaldo

Ronaldo: Happy wedding day!
Mitchell: What are you doing here?
Ronaldo: You pay for a full-service wedding, you get our full packages.
Pepper: Ohh. Close, honey. So close.

Quote from Pepper

Ronaldo: The car will pick you up at 4:00 to whisk you away to your beautiful hilltop wedding.
Cameron: How's the weather? I had a dream it rained on everyone.
Pepper: Dry as a bone. The only thing it will be raining tonight is men.

Quote from Sal

Mitchell: Has anyone heard from Sal?
Pepper: No. And I will never understand why you asked that boozy us-hag to officiate your wedding.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: We didn't exactly ask Sal.
[flashback:]
Cameron: Sal. We have something very important to talk to you about.
Mitchell: Yeah, we hope that maybe you would be open to the idea-
Sal: Yes! I will totally officiate your wedding! Oh, my drinks!
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: It was supposed to be an intervention.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] My mother can't come to the wedding. She was at a yoga retreat, and she fell out of a warrior pose, and she broke her hip.
Cameron: Should we consider the possibility that someone pushed her?
Mitchell: Cam, please. They were a bunch of peace-loving hippies who spent two weeks in the rainforest with my mother. Of course someone pushed her.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [on the phone] I'm actually relieved she's not coming. She has given me the gift of a crazy-free wedding.
Claire: I know. I was just a little sad for you. Mom's a no-show, and you and dad are hardly even speaking.
Mitchell: Enough about dad. He doesn't get gay weddings, and I don't get track suits as casualwear.

Quote from Jay

Merle Tucker: Damn, this is the best cup of coffee I ever had.
Gloria: Manny roasts his own beans every Friday night.
Jay: That kid's gonna be roasting his own beans for a long time, if you know what I mean.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I can't handle this. We're getting married in five hours. I don't have my perfectly tailored tux. I can't just go buy something off the rack. I'm not Cindy Crawford.
Mitchell: Why a woman? I'm just wondering.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Can you see better in here?
Phil: A little, but those drops are really hanging on. I'm like Han Solo right when he came out of the carbonite. Really? Nothing?
Alex: I get it. It's "Star Trek."
Phil: You're breaking my heart.
Alex: Save it for Luke. He'll love that.

Quote from Jay

Merle Tucker: So, Cam tells me you and Mitch had a little dust-up.
Jay: Yeah. A couple of weeks ago. That kid can hold a grudge.
Merle Tucker: A little uncomfortable about that wedding, are you?
Jay: Well, you know what I'm feeling, right?
Merle Tucker: I'd like to think I've evolved on the subject. We got a couple of lesbo swans in the pond. They seem pretty happy.

Quote from Andy

Haley: So, what are you gonna do in Utah?
Andy: Well, me and my girlfriend haven't seen each other in a while, so we're gonna be like a couple of bunny rabbits.
Haley: Wow.
Andy: Just hopping all over town.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey, my phone just buzzed. Can you read it? I don't want to put our lives at risk.
Haley: It's, uh, it's from the airline. Your flight's delayed three hours.
Andy: Three hours?!
Haley: Yeah.
Andy: Ohh! Jinkies! I guess we can just drop me off at a coffee shop, and I can take a cab from there.
Haley: Okay. Actually, I really need to wake up. Maybe I'll grab a coffee with you, if you don't mind.
Andy: Please. The more I talk to people, the less I imagine plummeting to my death in a fiery spiral of screaming and crying.
Haley: Pretty dark for someone who just said "jinkies."

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [on the phone] Well, I guess we have different definitions of "emergency," then. You know, I'm just gonna say it little bit of attitude.
Mitchell: Well, you requested a S.W.A.T. team.

Quote from Claire

Luke: It's not working!
Claire: And there's no oar? We are literally up a creek without a paddle?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Yes, picking up for Dunphy. It's on hold, I believe. Beautiful day, huh? I was told.
Sales Clerk: Here we go. Credit card?
Phil: Uh, just to be sure, that is turquoise, right? Because my wife said it also comes in emerald.
Sales Clerk: Yes. Sir, it's a very long line.
Phil: Mm. Okay. Um, can I have it for one second? Thank you. Yep, that doesn't feel like turquoise.
Sales Clerk: You can feel color? You gotta be kidding me.
Phil: When you lose one sense, all your other senses become heightened. That's why you sound so loud and judge-y to me.
Sales Clerk: My mistake, sir. I'll be right back. [fakes footsteps] Here it is.
Woman: Hey, he's messing with the blind guy.
Phil: Thank you wherever you are.
Sales Clerk: I don't think he's really blind.
Alex: Excuse me. My father suffered methanol poisoning on a humanitarian mission in Honduras, resulting in permanent neurological dysfunction and irreversible blindness. It's been hard enough on our family without people like you making it worse. If he feels it's not the bowl, it's not the bowl.
Sales Clerk: I'm so sorry. I'll check on the turquoise.

Quote from Luke

Claire: Come on. Then what has been going on with you recently? You've been so moody.
Luke: I'm sorry, but I'm sick of going to school and hearing teachers say, "You're Alex Dunphy's brother? Really?" Like I'm an idiot.
Claire: Oh, honey, you're not an idiot.
Luke: I forgot the paddle even though we just learned the boating checklist yesterday. Alex would never do that. And if she did, she'd probably, like I don't know use this fishing rod to cast out and hook us on the shore because "I'm so smart." And then she'd pull us in because everything she does always works.
Claire: Oh, my God. It's working. It's working!
Luke: Figures. Alex.

Quote from Claire

Mitchell: [on the phone] Hey, best man.
Claire: Hello, blushing bride.
Mitchell: I feel like I should hate that more.
Claire: Yeah, I think I might go with "best person."

Quote from Phil

Phil: Wait. I-I thought you were taking me to the eye doctor. They said I'm not supposed to drive myself home.
Claire: No, no, no, no. I'm picking up Luke from his wilderness trip. Alex can take you.
Phil: That's a bummer.
Alex: Aww, Dad, I'm touched.
Phil: No, not because of you. I'd just rather pick up Luke. Than go to the eye doctor. I-I love spending time with you. Don't worry you're fun.
Alex: Wow.

Quote from Gloria

Barb Tucker: Can I just say thank you again for letting us stay here?
Gloria: You have thanked us enough with that big bag of deer meat.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Hey, Mom. Can you see this?
Gloria: What pimple?
Manny: I knew it. I can't go looking like this. Weddings are where you meet girls.
Merle Tucker: Not at this one.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Have a great spa day.
Jay: Men don't have spa days. We're just going to the club, taking a steam, having a couple of rubdowns.
Merle Tucker: Hey. Do they serve cucumber water at that place?
Jay: Sometimes they do a strawberry-basil mix.

Quote from Gloria

Barb Tucker: Merle?
Merle Tucker: Yes, ma'am?
Barb Tucker: Be back in time for me to do your tie.
Merle Tucker: Uh, yes, ma'am. [exits]
Barb Tucker: [to Gloria] I'm so sorry you had to see that.
Gloria: See what?
Barb Tucker: The way we just snapped at each other.
Gloria: Are you joking?
Barb Tucker: Obviously, Merle and I are going through a heck of a rough patch.
Gloria: If I talked to Jay that nice, he would think I'm cheating on him.

Quote from Lily

Lily: I just thought of something. What's going on with my hair today?
Mitchell: Daddy's going to do it up really pretty with flowers.
Lily: Not you, right?
Mitchell: No, other daddy.
Lily: Oh, thank God.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: We just need to get in touch with the owner. Y-you, uh, you know his name, right? It's Aziz something? Cameron: Oh, oh. It's it's uh, no, it's a-Amir.
Mitchell: It's it's not Amir, no.
Cameron: Oh, no, it's, uh, Ahmad.
Mitchell: It's Achmed.
Cameron: No. Oh, it's on the ticket.
Mitchell: Now I'm just feeling racist. What is it?
Cameron: Here it is. It's Jerry.
Mitchell: J- Oh, Jerry.
Cameron: Amari.
Mitchell: Jerry Amari. There you go.

Quote from Phil

Alex: Can we just get the gift and get out of here?
Phil: Right, but first things first. Let's put on some funny hats, act like they're not there, and then walk around all serious.
Alex: What's the point of this?
Phil: That's good. You're nailing it.

Quote from Luke

Claire: So, did you have fun?
Luke: Yeah.
Claire: What was your favorite thing?
Luke: I don't remember.
Claire: It was yesterday.
Luke: Hot dogs. Can we go now?
Claire: Honey, I feel bad that you have to leave early. What are you missing today?
Luke: Boating.
Claire: Well, I mean, we have a little time.
Luke: You don't mind waiting in the car?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, Howard, Larry. This is my, uh... This is my friend Merle and he's visiting from Missouri.
Howard: Ooh, the "show me" state.
Jay: Don't say that in here!

Quote from Jay

Larry: So, what brings you to town, Merle?
Merle Tucker: Well, uh... My... Our... Jay's and my kids are getting married today.
Howard: Congratulations.
Larry: Isn't that nice? Father of the bride, father of the groom taking a steam together the day of the wedding.
Jay: Yeah, something like that.
Larry: The day my son got married piece of cake. But the day I lost my little girl, oh, that wrecked me. So, which one of you has to suffer through that today?
Merle Tucker: You know what? It's too hot in here.
Jay: Yeah.
Merle Tucker: Let's go.
Jay: Mm-hmm. Real evolved. Your swans would be ashamed.

Quote from Gloria

Barb Tucker: Well, I guess I first noticed it after Pameron moved out, and Merle and I just started sniping at each other.
Gloria: Yeah, like that bloodbath this morning?
Barb Tucker: Oh, again, I am so sorry. But Merle is not the type you can talk to about things. I mean, the man's had a toothpick in his mouth our whole marriage, and I can't say a word.
Gloria: No, you can't sit on your feelings. You will explode! I have, like, 10 little explosions every day, so I don't have the big one. The women in my family, sometimes, they shoot their husbands.
Barb Tucker: Well, we've had 48 good years. I guess we're just gonna run out the clock.
Gloria: No! You're still... You have... That is bad attitude!

Quote from Jay

Gloria: You have to tell Merle what is bothering you.
Barb Tucker: Oh, he doesn't want to hear all that. He gets all closed off and macho.
[cut to:]
Merle Tucker: [giggling] You're ticklin' my piggies.
Jay: You get used to that.

Quote from Jay

Merle Tucker: It's a shame Mitchell's mother couldn't make it to the wedding.
Jay: For who?
Merle Tucker: Mm, things still rough between the two of you?
Jay: Merle, things have always been rough. That woman never stopped complaining. Finding the strength to leave Dede was the hardest thing I ever did, but the best decision I ever made.
Merle Tucker: Well, you sure made a score with that Gloria. Wow.
Jay: Big-time.
Merle Tucker: I bet you landed her before she got a gander at those hooves of yours. [laughs]
Jay: You're welcome, by the way.

Quote from Haley

Andy: Yep, that's my Beth. She's pretty. Yeah. She's the most beautiful creature, inside and out. I'm just the luckiest guy ever to get to love her.
Haley: Okay, she may be real, but no way you are. Who talks like that?
Andy: You know, I hate when you say things like that because you are funny, and you are pretty, and you are smart in an original way, so why shouldn't a guy feel lucky to love you?
Haley: Shut up. Be normal.

Quote from Pepper

Cameron: [answering phone] Pepper. Disaster.
Pepper: It's not a disaster. It's just a wildfire. And it's most certainly not going to burn down your wedding.
Cameron: What?!
Mitchell: What?
Cameron: There's a wildfire near the venue.
Mitchell: No!
Pepper: Yes, but it's fine. Ronaldo is going to text-blast the guest list, tell them the wedding is being moved from 5:00 to 1:00.
Mitchell: Oh, my God!
Pepper: Don't panic. Would somebody please turn off that wretched waterfall?!
Ronaldo: [over headset] Kill the waterfall immediately!
Pepper: The fire is already 28% contained.
Cameron: That doesn't sound like a lot.
Pepper: Just get dressed and look pretty. I'm going to send the car for you in one hour.

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: Have you lost your mind?! [rotates flower arrangement by about 10 degrees] Go! You disgust me! Go!

Quote from Mitchell

Jerry: Are you breaking into my store?
Cameron: Uh, no. Why would you even say that?
Jerry: My alarm went off.
Mitchell: Oh, well, okay, that is a coincidence because his tuxedo is in there, and we're getting married in an hour.

Quote from Mitchell

[As Mitchell carries Lily out of the dry cleaner:]
Jerry: Where'd she come from?
Mitchell: Oh, oh, because she doesn't look like us? That's offensive.
Cameron: Oh, Jerry. Oh, Jerry.

Quote from Luke

Claire: We are never gonna get there on time, and I am the best person. Oh, God! Oh! I think just broke a nail on a turtle.
Luke: You're the one who wanted to come out here.
Claire: Yes, I did, because I wanted to spend some time with my son. You've- You've been pushing me away so much lately, and I don't want you to grow up to be the kind of kid who doesn't care if his mom shows up at his wedding.
Luke: What are you talking about?
Claire: Nana isn't coming today, and Mitchell's relieved.
Luke: Well, I'd be really sad if you missed my wedding.
Claire: Really? You promise?
Luke: Totally. And so would Kate.
Claire: Who's Kate?
Luke: Upton. My wife, your daughter-in-law. Get on board.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Whoa! That is honestly the best photo anyone's ever taken of me.
Haley: Thank you.
Andy: You mind if I send a copy to Beth?
Haley: Andy, um... When I read the text about your flight, I saw the text from Beth telling you not to come.
Andy: Yeah, she doesn't mean that.
Haley: She said, "it's over."
Andy: That can mean a lot of different things.

Quote from Andy

Haley: Andy, are you sure about getting on that plane?
Andy: Yeah, yeah. I-I'm fine. You know, she does this every once in a while. She just likes the drama.
Haley: But I-
Andy: Okay. Haley, I appreciate your concern I really do, but I've been in this relationship off and on for eight years, so I kind of know what I'm doing, all right? Thank you for the ride. [holds out keys] It's a tool of the trade. The car one says "Toyota."

Quote from Ronaldo

Ronaldo: I have eyes on the grooms.
Pepper: I'm three feet behind you.

Quote from Jay

Barb Tucker: Hey, Merle, it's your son's wedding, maybe lose the toothpick?
Merle Tucker: I'm getting tired of this nagging. I'm leaving you.
Jay: What?
Barb Tucker: Not if I leave you first!
Gloria: No, no, no, you don't mean this!
Barb Tucker: Oh, don't you feel bad, honey. You have helped me today.
Merle Tucker: [to Jay] Thanks for getting me over the hump.
Jay and Gloria: What did you do?


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