TV Quotes

Claire: So what do you think? Can we turn this into a baseball field?
Cameron: Oh, yeah. No problem. You know, back on the farm, I once turned an acre of corn into a snowflake-shaped maze. It'd still be there if our neighbor Billy Bob Sheinberg hadn't seen it from his crop duster and said it looked like a swastika.

Cameron: So how good's Luke's team anyway?
Claire: Well, you may have seen them on Youtube under "Boy stuck in batting helmet" or "Pitcher beans self." But a few of them went through puberty early this year, so...
Luke: They say it's because of hormones in our milk. But whatever it is, they really jacked up.

Gloria: Come on, Jay. Say something to the baby.
Jay: Darlene's an idiot.
Gloria: Oh, yeah, beautiful. Your first words to our baby, "Darlene is an idiot."
Jay: This is stupid. The baby's only 2 inches away. He doesn't need speakers blasting at him. Like in restaurants nowadays where you can't even hear yourself think. Ah, you're gonna do whatever you want. Why do I bother?
Manny: Get used to that. Sometimes you just gotta let him go. Then he eats some sherbet and falls asleep.

Manny: [aside to camera] I had a perfect record. A single inning. Then the McCoy twins' grandma dies, and suddenly I'm starting at right field. What does that even mean? Is it the same as stage right?

Claire: It's such a shame because I know we would do a great job on that house.
Phil: Totally.
Claire: If Gil Thorpe can do it, I can do it, right?
Phil: Please!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Please. Gil Thorpe has decades of experience and infallible instincts. As much as we'd all like to believe otherwise, I did not marry Gil Thorpe. Can you imagine that? God, we'd sell a lot of houses.

Manny: Jay, do you know a good dry cleaner? And I don't mean the "Must be in by 10:00, only on weekdays, you need a coupon" kind. I mean a hard 1-hour.
Jay: This conversation feels like a hard one hour. And what do you need it cleaned for? It's spotless.
Manny: There's mustard here from Reuben's reuben. That's what happens when you put a narcissist in charge of snack day.

Phil: [aside to camera] I'm not proud of what I did, but I'm not comfortable squashing people's dreams. I am a cheerleader. I'm the guy on top of the pyramid shouting, "Go, dreams, go!" You know what's not a cheer? "Two, four, six, eight, you are going to fail at this and lose everything we've worked for, Claire!"

Cameron: Claire and I bring you this great opportunity, and you stop it cold. I guess that's what brakes do.
Mitchell: You know what brakes also do? They keep you from driving off cliffs.
Cameron: Maybe they're not cliffs. Maybe they're ramps, ready to launch us into new, exciting vistas.
Mitchell: I am not the only one against this whole house thing. Phil doesn't want it either.
Cameron: You keep saying that, but I find that very, very hard to believe. Phil supports Claire. Phil is a cheerleader. Why can't you be more like Phil?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: And then it hit me. I could be exactly like Phil. I could pretend to be on board, forcing the cheerleader to be the bad guy. I know it's underhanded, but that's the way I throw.

Phil: Honey, you excited about your first day?
Haley: You know what? I really am. There's something about going to work that makes you feel like you're I don't know, worth something. No offense, Mom.

Phil: Work hard. Keep your eye on the ball. Stay focused. Never- Check it out! Cam in overalls!
Claire: Mitchell sent me the same text.
Phil: Why "Look what you've done"?
Claire: Oh, because Cam is helping me out with that baseball field, and Mitchell hates it when he gets all farmed up. His turn-offs are farm, Fizbo, And, worst of all, Farmbo.
[cut to Cameron in Fizbo hair and make-up wearing farm overall and holding a pitchfork:]
Cameron: Howdy, life pardner! [guffaws]

Claire: [aside to camera] Luke and Manny's team tied for the final spot in the playoffs, but since nobody was expecting it, all the fields were booked.
Luke: The other team wanted to settle with a coin flip. We said "Rock Paper Scissors." That's when talks broke down.
Claire: So what do you do when you can't find a field? You build one.
Luke: And we got the last laugh, 'cause guess what I found there? Rocks, paper, and scissors.

Cameron: Okay, I'll chalk the field with this bad boy.
Claire: And while you're doing that, I will get the bases.
Cameron: We make such a good team.
Claire: Why does your friend have a chalker?
Cameron: Oh, he used it to propose to a skywriter.

Luke: You gotta keep your eyes open.
Manny: It's not natural when a ball is hurtling at your face.
Luke: Will you choke up a little?
Manny: Probably when they play the national anthem.
Luke: No, move your hands up the bat. "When they play the national anthem."

Claire: What do you think, Phil?
Phil: Well, I have to admit, it's a steal.
Claire: Yes! Yes! I told you! And you said Gil Thorpe makes a killing flipping houses.
Phil: Yeah, he brags about it all the time. Every time he makes a sale, he calls himself "Flipper" and walks around making this dolphin sound. Like [imitates dolphin] How does he do it? I hate him so much.

Claire: Mitchell, I am serious. I have overseen lots of projects in our home. I oversaw the remodel of our bathroom. Under budget. Right, Phil?
Phil: Yeah. I was a little disappointed we didn't go for the butt-washing toilet, but otherwise...
Claire: You can wash your own butt for free.
Phil: Well, that's not the same, is it?

Gloria: [singing] Hush, little baby, don't say a word. Papa's going to buy you a mockingbird. And if that mockingbird won't sing, papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Papa'd buy ten diamond rings to get that mockingbird to shut the hell up. But I wasn't gonna tell Gloria she was a terrible singer. That's just taking a bath with a toaster. Still, the thought of that poor little thing stuck in there like a hostage, listening to that racket days on end, I just couldn't take it.
[back:]
Gloria: And if that billy goat won't push, papa's gonna get every le-
Jay: I'll tell you what papa's gonna do. He's gonna take a turn on that mic.
Gloria: Oh! Really?
Jay: Yeah, I've been thinking, if it's a chance to bond, I should take it.
Gloria: Ay, Jay, that's great. I think that the sound of my voice shouldn't be the only thing that the baby should hear.
Jay: Same page.

Cameron: What's really going on?
Claire: Okay. You know, over the last couple of months, I've applied for, like, five different jobs.
Cameron: I didn't know that.
Claire: No. I didn't tell anyone, because I didn't get them, Cam. I went to college, you know? And I just wanna be able to contribute to my kids' education. And I wanna be able to buy my husband a present with my own money.
Cameron: Hey, you're preaching to the choir director. It's actually why I became a choir director.
Claire: You became a part-time teacher in a public school for money?
Cameron: I make more than you do. I mean, before parking. But...

Mitchell: [answers phone while stroking a cat] Well, hello, Phil. To what do I owe this pleasure?
Phil: Cut the crap. You wanna play chicken? Chicken's my middle name.
Mitchell: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just being supportive of my partner and my sister, both of whom I love very much.
Phil: How do you sleep at night?
Mitchell: Soundly, knowing you'll do the right thing. So how about it, Phil? You gonna stop this train? 'Cause these brakes are out. Oh. And I suggest you lose this number.

Manny: What are you doing? Do you really want your unborn baby to hear you fighting like this? Studies show it's unhealthy for a fetus to be exposed to a stressful environment.
Jay: Studies? You're 13. Read a comic book.

Gloria: How dare do you tell me that I am-
Jay: Ah, no, no, no, no. No fighting in front of the baby. We just made a deal.
Gloria: Yeah, but that's not fair because I am always in front of the baby!
Jay: Gloria, you're as close to perfect as woman gets. Nothing wrong with one tiny, little flaw. Yours is when you start to sing, is sounds like something got stuck in the vacuum cleaner.
Gloria: That's- You're just--
Jay: Ah, no, no, no.
Gloria: [happily] That is just your stupid, stupid opinion, Jay. But I am very angry at you, and I am gonna make a list of all the things that I am going to scream at you as soon as this baby's out of me.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I didn't think it all the way through.

Claire: Haley, hurry up! You don't have much time, and I made chocolate chip pancakes.
Haley: Mom, I'm not 12.
Phil: Dibs on hers.

Cameron: I see home plate up here. I see pitcher's mound in here, and I see little boys' dreams coming true everywhere.
Luke: I found a dead snake!
Claire: It's perfect.
Luke: Not dead! Not dead!
Claire: I'm gonna be mother of the year.

Gloria: And this is our dining room, where we eat. And this is our kitchen, where we also eat.
Manny: Who are you talking to? It looks like you lost your tour.
Jay: Or your mind.
Gloria: The baby. Shorty's girlfriend Darlene send it to me. She said it's for prenatal bonding. I love it. We took a tour of the house. We took a look at all my shoes.

Claire: Is this your house?
Mrs. Brooks: I'm moving in with my son. He's rich. Phone by the toilet rich.
Cameron: Oh.
Claire: All right, so have you lived here a long time?
Mrs. Brooks: I moved here in '62 to be an actress. I had one line in a "Rockford Files." "He went out the back."
Cameron: Who went out the back?
Claire: Oh, that was you.

Cameron: Okay, look, if the four of us go in on this together, we can minimize the risk.
Mitchell: Or if none of us do it, we can eliminate the risk altogether because none of you know anything about flipping houses.
Cameron: Okay, well, we already have it figured out. I'm gonna be the designer because I know about colors and shapes.
Mitchell: Yeah, so does Lily.
Claire: I'm gonna be the contractor.
Mitchell: And I'm gonna be the astronaut. Oh, this is fun. Phil, you go.

Phil: Listen there's no way we're letting them do this.
Mitchell: I know, right? They are not equipped to take this on.
Phil: We might as well flush all our savings down my boring old toilet.
Mitchell: Oh, you are really bitter about that.
Phil: It's the one thing I asked for.

Phil: Oh, you know what, Claire? You gotta cool down or you're just gonna make this worse. Why don't you go get the coffees? And I'll deal with him.
Claire: Well, okay, what are you gonna say to him?
Phil: I'm just gonna talk to him man-to-man.
Claire: Right. Okay.
Phil: [answering phone in a high-pitched voice] Hello?
Mitchell: Claire, Phil doesn't want the house either, all right? He's letting me take the fall. He's a liar.
Phil: And a clever one.
Mitchell: Ugh! How long do you think you can keep this from her? I'm gonna talk to her eventually.
Phil: Well, as long as we're swapping stories, Maybe I'll tell Cam what happened to the sweater he knit for you.

Jay: Breaker, breaker, big Jay. Baby, what's your 20? Over.
Gloria: Ay, that's so cute. You sound like Smokey and the Bandito. Go on. Go on.
Jay: Hi, kid. This is your dad Jay Pritchett. Uh, we're all pretty excited to meet you. Just a heads-up, I might be a few years older than you're expecting. But on the plus side, we're very comfortable. What's that? Nothin'? Tough womb. What are you doing in there? You sleepin'?
Gloria: [singing] Are you sleeping?
Jay: Ah! Ah! Ah! Still daddy's turn.

Claire: Dumb! Dumb rock!
Cameron: Are you cryin'?
Claire: No. No. I just can't get this rock to budge.
Cameron: Okay, what did we learn from "A League of Their Own"?
Claire: No crying in baseball.
Cameron: No. That Madonna's a lousy actress, and so are you.

Cameron: Look, I'm sorry Mitchell killed our house dream. You know, now especially that I know you wanted to use the money for such noble reasons.
Claire: Yeah. And also there was this pair of boots.
Cameron: There's always a pair of boots.

Cameron: Mitchell, do you know what I've realized?
Claire: That some thoughts are better left unexpressed?
Cameron: No. That in this relationship, I'm the gas pedal, and you're the brakes.
Mitchell: Okay, wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Last week, you said that you were the painting and I was the frame.
Cameron: That's if we were artwork. This is if we were a car.
Mitchell: I know what part you'd be if we were a horse.

[asides to camera, separately:]
Phil: Yeah, I was pretty ticked off that Mitchell double-crossed my double-cross. And then he stopped taking my calls, and so I sent him the following carefully worded text "U suck."
Mitchell: I could tell Phil felt pretty hurt and betrayed, so I responded. "How r u gonna cheerlead your way out of this one, Buffy?"
Phil: "We both know this house thing is a disaster."
Mitchell: "Then say something, or I will. I don't care if you tell Cam-"
[cut to:]
Cameron: "I threw out that hideous sweater?!" I spent months knitting that hideous sweater.
Claire: Yeah.
Cameron: W- How are we seeing this?
Claire: They're using the group text from yesterday. They have no idea these are even coming to me.

Cameron: [on the phone] You know, I knew that sweater wasn't stolen. And here I pick blue yarn to match your eyes, but I should've picked black to match your heart. Although you look amazing in black. Damn you.

Jay: "Leaving 17 dead and thousands without power."
Gloria: Ay, Jay, please! It's bad that the baby listens to such terrible things.
Jay: He's heard worse.

Gloria: Jay, I don't want our baby to think that it's coming into an unhappy home. Let's promise that we're never ever going to fight in front of him.
Jay: No fighting in front of the baby.
Gloria: Okay, good. [singing] Twinkle, twinkle little lamb-
Jay: Gloria, stop it! Stop it. No more singing.
Gloria: Why?
Jay: Because you stink. You're a terrible singer. Come on. Let's get some lunch.

Mitchell: Claire and Cam did all this?
Phil: A week ago, that was all junk.
Mitchell: It's amazing. I mean, there's that little bump in the middle. But other than that...

Phil: [aside to camera] Even if one of those boys had hit five home runs, the biggest star on that field was Claire. That's the funny thing about marriage. You fall in love with this extraordinary person, and over time, they begin to seem ordinary. I think it's all the nagging.

Phil: Wow. This this is incredible. You literally saw a diamond in the rough.
Claire: Yeah, but I take on a lot of projects no one else is willing to.
Phil: I deserve that. I was an idiot for doubting you. Please, honey, forgive me.
Claire: How could I not, when you give me this bouquet of crumpled flowers?
Phil: Mitchell did that!
Claire: Mitchell again?
Phil: Ask Lily!

Mitchell: Hey, Cam.
Cameron: Hey.
Mitchell: Here you-
Cameron: Okay. Well... Oh, wow. Broken and mangled, just like my heart.
Mitchell: Cam, I'm sorry for not supporting you.
Cameron: What about the sweater?
Mitchell: That's unforgivable. I mean, you put all that time and work into it, and I just toss it out the car window.
Cameron: Tossed it out the car window?!
Mitchell: I'm forgetting how much you knew.

Phil: No, I do mean it. I think you two will do a fantastic job.
Mitchell: You know, I do, too. I'm on board.
Jay: On board for what?
Cameron: Oh, well, the four of us, uh, might go in on a house. Claire and I fix it up and flip it.
Jay: That's the worst idea I ever heard. You guys know nothing about construction. You'll make all sorts of mistakes, you'll turn on each other, you'll stop talking, and suddenly I'm doing two dinners a week instead of one because you can't be in the same room. Family and business doesn't mix. Ah, you're gonna do whatever you want. Why do I bother?

Jay: Sometimes I don't understand people. They do crazy things for the dumbest reasons. They convince themselves it'll all work out. Despite all the evidence to the contrary. Which I guess isn't so bad.

Manny: I'm going to march out there and swing as hard as I can. And if every sports movie is correct, I'm going to smack that ball, and everyone will chant my name as I round the bases. By the way, it is always counterclockwise, or do I get to choose?
Luke: I don't think it's gonna matter.

Gloria: [singing, off-key] Oh say can you see? By the dawn's early light? And the rocket's red glare!

Jay: All I'm saying is, I hope to god you don't have your mother's singing voice. But, man, I hope you get her self-confidence. [Gloria loudly snores] Try to get some sleep. I'll talk to you in the morning.

Phil: Two outs, bottom of the sixth, tied at 4. This is it, folks. The whole game comes down to this. Manny Delgado 0 for 3 on the day. Gloria, your thoughts?
Gloria: I think he's going to hit the home run.
Jay: Please, God, give me one.
Gloria: Manny, stand up straight!
Jay: But bend your knees.
Claire: Widen your stance!
Manny: Would you please let me just-
Umpire: Take your base!
Luke: You did it! Run, Manny!
Manny: I did it?
Jay: No, no, no, no! Not that way!
Luke: Wrong way!
Jay: Oh, why do I bother? He's gonna do what he wants.