TV Quotes

Claire: So what do you think? Can we turn this into a baseball field?
Cameron: Oh, yeah. No problem. You know, back on the farm, I once turned an acre of corn into a snowflake-shaped maze. It'd still be there if our neighbor Billy Bob Sheinberg hadn't seen it from his crop duster and said it looked like a swastika.

Cameron: So how good's Luke's team anyway?
Claire: Well, you may have seen them on Youtube under "Boy stuck in batting helmet" or "Pitcher beans self." But a few of them went through puberty early this year, so...
Luke: They say it's because of hormones in our milk. But whatever it is, they really jacked up.

Gloria: Come on, Jay. Say something to the baby.
Jay: Darlene's an idiot.
Gloria: Oh, yeah, beautiful. Your first words to our baby, "Darlene is an idiot."
Jay: This is stupid. The baby's only 2 inches away. He doesn't need speakers blasting at him. Like in restaurants nowadays where you can't even hear yourself think. Ah, you're gonna do whatever you want. Why do I bother?
Manny: Get used to that. Sometimes you just gotta let him go. Then he eats some sherbet and falls asleep.

Manny: [aside to camera] I had a perfect record. A single inning. Then the McCoy twins' grandma dies, and suddenly I'm starting at right field. What does that even mean? Is it the same as stage right?

Claire: It's such a shame because I know we would do a great job on that house.
Phil: Totally.
Claire: If Gil Thorpe can do it, I can do it, right?
Phil: Please!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Please. Gil Thorpe has decades of experience and infallible instincts. As much as we'd all like to believe otherwise, I did not marry Gil Thorpe. Can you imagine that? God, we'd sell a lot of houses.

Manny: Jay, do you know a good dry cleaner? And I don't mean the "Must be in by 10:00, only on weekdays, you need a coupon" kind. I mean a hard 1-hour.
Jay: This conversation feels like a hard one hour. And what do you need it cleaned for? It's spotless.
Manny: There's mustard here from Reuben's reuben. That's what happens when you put a narcissist in charge of snack day.

Phil: [aside to camera] I'm not proud of what I did, but I'm not comfortable squashing people's dreams. I am a cheerleader. I'm the guy on top of the pyramid shouting, "Go, dreams, go!" You know what's not a cheer? "Two, four, six, eight, you are going to fail at this and lose everything we've worked for, Claire!"

Cameron: Claire and I bring you this great opportunity, and you stop it cold. I guess that's what brakes do.
Mitchell: You know what brakes also do? They keep you from driving off cliffs.
Cameron: Maybe they're not cliffs. Maybe they're ramps, ready to launch us into new, exciting vistas.
Mitchell: I am not the only one against this whole house thing. Phil doesn't want it either.
Cameron: You keep saying that, but I find that very, very hard to believe. Phil supports Claire. Phil is a cheerleader. Why can't you be more like Phil?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: And then it hit me. I could be exactly like Phil. I could pretend to be on board, forcing the cheerleader to be the bad guy. I know it's underhanded, but that's the way I throw.

Phil: Honey, you excited about your first day?
Haley: You know what? I really am. There's something about going to work that makes you feel like you're I don't know, worth something. No offense, Mom.

Phil: Work hard. Keep your eye on the ball. Stay focused. Never- Check it out! Cam in overalls!
Claire: Mitchell sent me the same text.
Phil: Why "Look what you've done"?
Claire: Oh, because Cam is helping me out with that baseball field, and Mitchell hates it when he gets all farmed up. His turn-offs are farm, Fizbo, And, worst of all, Farmbo.
[cut to Cameron in Fizbo hair and make-up wearing farm overall and holding a pitchfork:]
Cameron: Howdy, life pardner! [guffaws]

Claire: [aside to camera] Luke and Manny's team tied for the final spot in the playoffs, but since nobody was expecting it, all the fields were booked.
Luke: The other team wanted to settle with a coin flip. We said "Rock Paper Scissors." That's when talks broke down.
Claire: So what do you do when you can't find a field? You build one.
Luke: And we got the last laugh, 'cause guess what I found there? Rocks, paper, and scissors.

Cameron: Okay, I'll chalk the field with this bad boy.
Claire: And while you're doing that, I will get the bases.
Cameron: We make such a good team.
Claire: Why does your friend have a chalker?
Cameron: Oh, he used it to propose to a skywriter.

Luke: You gotta keep your eyes open.
Manny: It's not natural when a ball is hurtling at your face.
Luke: Will you choke up a little?
Manny: Probably when they play the national anthem.
Luke: No, move your hands up the bat. "When they play the national anthem."

Claire: What do you think, Phil?
Phil: Well, I have to admit, it's a steal.
Claire: Yes! Yes! I told you! And you said Gil Thorpe makes a killing flipping houses.
Phil: Yeah, he brags about it all the time. Every time he makes a sale, he calls himself "Flipper" and walks around making this dolphin sound. Like [imitates dolphin] How does he do it? I hate him so much.

Claire: Mitchell, I am serious. I have overseen lots of projects in our home. I oversaw the remodel of our bathroom. Under budget. Right, Phil?
Phil: Yeah. I was a little disappointed we didn't go for the butt-washing toilet, but otherwise...
Claire: You can wash your own butt for free.
Phil: Well, that's not the same, is it?