TV Quotes

Claire: So what do you think? Can we turn this into a baseball field?
Cameron: Oh, yeah. No problem. You know, back on the farm, I once turned an acre of corn into a snowflake-shaped maze. It'd still be there if our neighbor Billy Bob Sheinberg hadn't seen it from his crop duster and said it looked like a swastika.

Cameron: So how good's Luke's team anyway?
Claire: Well, you may have seen them on Youtube under "Boy stuck in batting helmet" or "Pitcher beans self." But a few of them went through puberty early this year, so...
Luke: They say it's because of hormones in our milk. But whatever it is, they really jacked up.

Gloria: Come on, Jay. Say something to the baby.
Jay: Darlene's an idiot.
Gloria: Oh, yeah, beautiful. Your first words to our baby, "Darlene is an idiot."
Jay: This is stupid. The baby's only 2 inches away. He doesn't need speakers blasting at him. Like in restaurants nowadays where you can't even hear yourself think. Ah, you're gonna do whatever you want. Why do I bother?
Manny: Get used to that. Sometimes you just gotta let him go. Then he eats some sherbet and falls asleep.

Manny: [aside to camera] I had a perfect record. A single inning. Then the McCoy twins' grandma dies, and suddenly I'm starting at right field. What does that even mean? Is it the same as stage right?

Claire: It's such a shame because I know we would do a great job on that house.
Phil: Totally.
Claire: If Gil Thorpe can do it, I can do it, right?
Phil: Please!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Please. Gil Thorpe has decades of experience and infallible instincts. As much as we'd all like to believe otherwise, I did not marry Gil Thorpe. Can you imagine that? God, we'd sell a lot of houses.

Manny: Jay, do you know a good dry cleaner? And I don't mean the "Must be in by 10:00, only on weekdays, you need a coupon" kind. I mean a hard 1-hour.
Jay: This conversation feels like a hard one hour. And what do you need it cleaned for? It's spotless.
Manny: There's mustard here from Reuben's reuben. That's what happens when you put a narcissist in charge of snack day.

Phil: [aside to camera] I'm not proud of what I did, but I'm not comfortable squashing people's dreams. I am a cheerleader. I'm the guy on top of the pyramid shouting, "Go, dreams, go!" You know what's not a cheer? "Two, four, six, eight, you are going to fail at this and lose everything we've worked for, Claire!"

Cameron: Claire and I bring you this great opportunity, and you stop it cold. I guess that's what brakes do.
Mitchell: You know what brakes also do? They keep you from driving off cliffs.
Cameron: Maybe they're not cliffs. Maybe they're ramps, ready to launch us into new, exciting vistas.
Mitchell: I am not the only one against this whole house thing. Phil doesn't want it either.
Cameron: You keep saying that, but I find that very, very hard to believe. Phil supports Claire. Phil is a cheerleader. Why can't you be more like Phil?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: And then it hit me. I could be exactly like Phil. I could pretend to be on board, forcing the cheerleader to be the bad guy. I know it's underhanded, but that's the way I throw.

Phil: Honey, you excited about your first day?
Haley: You know what? I really am. There's something about going to work that makes you feel like you're I don't know, worth something. No offense, Mom.

Phil: Work hard. Keep your eye on the ball. Stay focused. Never- Check it out! Cam in overalls!
Claire: Mitchell sent me the same text.
Phil: Why "Look what you've done"?
Claire: Oh, because Cam is helping me out with that baseball field, and Mitchell hates it when he gets all farmed up. His turn-offs are farm, Fizbo, And, worst of all, Farmbo.
[cut to Cameron in Fizbo hair and make-up wearing farm overall and holding a pitchfork:]
Cameron: Howdy, life pardner! [guffaws]

Claire: [aside to camera] Luke and Manny's team tied for the final spot in the playoffs, but since nobody was expecting it, all the fields were booked.
Luke: The other team wanted to settle with a coin flip. We said "Rock Paper Scissors." That's when talks broke down.
Claire: So what do you do when you can't find a field? You build one.
Luke: And we got the last laugh, 'cause guess what I found there? Rocks, paper, and scissors.

Cameron: Okay, I'll chalk the field with this bad boy.
Claire: And while you're doing that, I will get the bases.
Cameron: We make such a good team.
Claire: Why does your friend have a chalker?
Cameron: Oh, he used it to propose to a skywriter.

Luke: You gotta keep your eyes open.
Manny: It's not natural when a ball is hurtling at your face.
Luke: Will you choke up a little?
Manny: Probably when they play the national anthem.
Luke: No, move your hands up the bat. "When they play the national anthem."

Claire: What do you think, Phil?
Phil: Well, I have to admit, it's a steal.
Claire: Yes! Yes! I told you! And you said Gil Thorpe makes a killing flipping houses.
Phil: Yeah, he brags about it all the time. Every time he makes a sale, he calls himself "Flipper" and walks around making this dolphin sound. Like [imitates dolphin] How does he do it? I hate him so much.

Claire: Mitchell, I am serious. I have overseen lots of projects in our home. I oversaw the remodel of our bathroom. Under budget. Right, Phil?
Phil: Yeah. I was a little disappointed we didn't go for the butt-washing toilet, but otherwise...
Claire: You can wash your own butt for free.
Phil: Well, that's not the same, is it?

Gloria: [singing] Hush, little baby, don't say a word. Papa's going to buy you a mockingbird. And if that mockingbird won't sing, papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Papa'd buy ten diamond rings to get that mockingbird to shut the hell up. But I wasn't gonna tell Gloria she was a terrible singer. That's just taking a bath with a toaster. Still, the thought of that poor little thing stuck in there like a hostage, listening to that racket days on end, I just couldn't take it.
[back:]
Gloria: And if that billy goat won't push, papa's gonna get every le-
Jay: I'll tell you what papa's gonna do. He's gonna take a turn on that mic.
Gloria: Oh! Really?
Jay: Yeah, I've been thinking, if it's a chance to bond, I should take it.
Gloria: Ay, Jay, that's great. I think that the sound of my voice shouldn't be the only thing that the baby should hear.
Jay: Same page.

Cameron: What's really going on?
Claire: Okay. You know, over the last couple of months, I've applied for, like, five different jobs.
Cameron: I didn't know that.
Claire: No. I didn't tell anyone, because I didn't get them, Cam. I went to college, you know? And I just wanna be able to contribute to my kids' education. And I wanna be able to buy my husband a present with my own money.
Cameron: Hey, you're preaching to the choir director. It's actually why I became a choir director.
Claire: You became a part-time teacher in a public school for money?
Cameron: I make more than you do. I mean, before parking. But...

Mitchell: [answers phone while stroking a cat] Well, hello, Phil. To what do I owe this pleasure?
Phil: Cut the crap. You wanna play chicken? Chicken's my middle name.
Mitchell: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just being supportive of my partner and my sister, both of whom I love very much.
Phil: How do you sleep at night?
Mitchell: Soundly, knowing you'll do the right thing. So how about it, Phil? You gonna stop this train? 'Cause these brakes are out. Oh. And I suggest you lose this number.

Manny: What are you doing? Do you really want your unborn baby to hear you fighting like this? Studies show it's unhealthy for a fetus to be exposed to a stressful environment.
Jay: Studies? You're 13. Read a comic book.

Gloria: How dare do you tell me that I am-
Jay: Ah, no, no, no, no. No fighting in front of the baby. We just made a deal.
Gloria: Yeah, but that's not fair because I am always in front of the baby!
Jay: Gloria, you're as close to perfect as woman gets. Nothing wrong with one tiny, little flaw. Yours is when you start to sing, is sounds like something got stuck in the vacuum cleaner.
Gloria: That's- You're just--
Jay: Ah, no, no, no.
Gloria: [happily] That is just your stupid, stupid opinion, Jay. But I am very angry at you, and I am gonna make a list of all the things that I am going to scream at you as soon as this baby's out of me.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I didn't think it all the way through.