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‘Diamond in the Rough’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Modern Family: Diamond in the Rough

410. Diamond in the Rough

Aired December 12, 2012

As Claire and Cameron work together to make a baseball field for Manny and Luke's team, they have the idea of teaming up to try and flip a house. Mitchell and Phil want to put a stop to that idea, although Phil is reluctant to be seen as the bad guy. Meanwhile, Gloria uses a microphone to talk to her unborn child.

Quote from Cameron

Claire: So what do you think? Can we turn this into a baseball field?
Cameron: Oh, yeah. No problem. You know, back on the farm, I once turned an acre of corn into a snowflake-shaped maze. It'd still be there if our neighbor Billy Bob Sheinberg hadn't seen it from his crop duster and said it looked like a swastika.

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Quote from Luke

Cameron: So how good's Luke's team anyway?
Claire: Well, you may have seen them on Youtube under "Boy stuck in batting helmet" or "Pitcher beans self." But a few of them went through puberty early this year, so...
Luke: They say it's because of hormones in our milk. But whatever it is, they really jacked up.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Come on, Jay. Say something to the baby.
Jay: Darlene's an idiot.
Gloria: Oh, yeah, beautiful. Your first words to our baby, "Darlene is an idiot."
Jay: This is stupid. The baby's only 2 inches away. He doesn't need speakers blasting at him. Like in restaurants nowadays where you can't even hear yourself think. Ah, you're gonna do whatever you want. Why do I bother?
Manny: Get used to that. Sometimes you just gotta let him go. Then he eats some sherbet and falls asleep.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] I had a perfect record. A single inning. Then the McCoy twins' grandma dies, and suddenly I'm starting at right field. What does that even mean? Is it the same as stage right?

Quote from Phil

Claire: It's such a shame because I know we would do a great job on that house.
Phil: Totally.
Claire: If Gil Thorpe can do it, I can do it, right?
Phil: Please!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Please. Gil Thorpe has decades of experience and infallible instincts. As much as we'd all like to believe otherwise, I did not marry Gil Thorpe. Can you imagine that? God, we'd sell a lot of houses.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Jay, do you know a good dry cleaner? And I don't mean the "Must be in by 10:00, only on weekdays, you need a coupon" kind. I mean a hard 1-hour.
Jay: This conversation feels like a hard one hour. And what do you need it cleaned for? It's spotless.
Manny: There's mustard here from Reuben's reuben. That's what happens when you put a narcissist in charge of snack day.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I'm not proud of what I did, but I'm not comfortable squashing people's dreams. I am a cheerleader. I'm the guy on top of the pyramid shouting, "Go, dreams, go!" You know what's not a cheer? "Two, four, six, eight, you are going to fail at this and lose everything we've worked for, Claire!"

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Claire and I bring you this great opportunity, and you stop it cold. I guess that's what brakes do.
Mitchell: You know what brakes also do? They keep you from driving off cliffs.
Cameron: Maybe they're not cliffs. Maybe they're ramps, ready to launch us into new, exciting vistas.
Mitchell: I am not the only one against this whole house thing. Phil doesn't want it either.
Cameron: You keep saying that, but I find that very, very hard to believe. Phil supports Claire. Phil is a cheerleader. Why can't you be more like Phil?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: And then it hit me. I could be exactly like Phil. I could pretend to be on board, forcing the cheerleader to be the bad guy. I know it's underhanded, but that's the way I throw.

Quote from Haley

Phil: Honey, you excited about your first day?
Haley: You know what? I really am. There's something about going to work that makes you feel like you're I don't know, worth something. No offense, Mom.

Quote from Cameron

Phil: Work hard. Keep your eye on the ball. Stay focused. Never- Check it out! Cam in overalls!
Claire: Mitchell sent me the same text.
Phil: Why "Look what you've done"?
Claire: Oh, because Cam is helping me out with that baseball field, and Mitchell hates it when he gets all farmed up. His turn-offs are farm, Fizbo, And, worst of all, Farmbo.
[cut to Cameron in Fizbo hair and make-up wearing farm overall and holding a pitchfork:]
Cameron: Howdy, life pardner! [guffaws]

Quote from Luke

Claire: [aside to camera] Luke and Manny's team tied for the final spot in the playoffs, but since nobody was expecting it, all the fields were booked.
Luke: The other team wanted to settle with a coin flip. We said "Rock Paper Scissors." That's when talks broke down.
Claire: So what do you do when you can't find a field? You build one.
Luke: And we got the last laugh, 'cause guess what I found there? Rocks, paper, and scissors.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, I'll chalk the field with this bad boy.
Claire: And while you're doing that, I will get the bases.
Cameron: We make such a good team.
Claire: Why does your friend have a chalker?
Cameron: Oh, he used it to propose to a skywriter.

Quote from Manny

Luke: You gotta keep your eyes open.
Manny: It's not natural when a ball is hurtling at your face.
Luke: Will you choke up a little?
Manny: Probably when they play the national anthem.
Luke: No, move your hands up the bat. "When they play the national anthem."

Quote from Phil

Claire: What do you think, Phil?
Phil: Well, I have to admit, it's a steal.
Claire: Yes! Yes! I told you! And you said Gil Thorpe makes a killing flipping houses.
Phil: Yeah, he brags about it all the time. Every time he makes a sale, he calls himself "Flipper" and walks around making this dolphin sound. Like [imitates dolphin] How does he do it? I hate him so much.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Mitchell, I am serious. I have overseen lots of projects in our home. I oversaw the remodel of our bathroom. Under budget. Right, Phil?
Phil: Yeah. I was a little disappointed we didn't go for the butt-washing toilet, but otherwise...
Claire: You can wash your own butt for free.
Phil: Well, that's not the same, is it?

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