TV Quotes

Natalie: Where are you going?
Adrian Monk: Bathroom.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Why? [Monk is silent] I'll go with you.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, let me go with you.
Natalie: We promised Dr. Kroger we wouldn't leave you alone.
Adrian Monk: I am not suicidal. I just wish I was never born. There's a difference.

Natalie: Are you afraid of frogs?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. I've never been this close to one. [A frog lands on Monk's shoe] Yes. The answer is yes. Put frogs on the list. Where's the list?
Natalie: I got it. I got it. Where does it go?
Adrian Monk: Put them between possums and, uh, soccer riots. No, no, no. Uh, after after soccer riots. And before, uh, before hailstones. Yeah, so it goes...
Natalie: I got it, I got it: Soccer riots, frogs, hailstones.
Adrian Monk: At least now we know. Information really is power.

Lieutenant Disher: So who's on your short list?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I've been at this all morning. Most of these guys are either in jail or dead.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, or both.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. Nobody is both.

Lieutenant Disher: They called him the Spider Lake Maniac because all the killings happened right here in these woods about a year ago. Actually, it was a year ago. Tonight. Now, there's a mental hospital about ten miles away from here. It's called the Lassen County Clinic. Everybody thought it was escape-proof. But somehow he escaped.
Adrian Monk: Randy, excuse me. The Lassen Clinic's been closed for 20 years.
Lieutenant Disher: That's right, yeah. It must've been another mental hospital.
Adrian Monk: Which one?
Lieutenant Disher: I don't know, I don't remember. But the point is he escaped. Now, on the first night, he killed two fishermen. Slit their throats. But he didn't need a knife. Want to know why? Because he didn't have a left hand. Instead, he had a razor-sharp hook! Argh!
Adrian Monk: Actually, they don't use hooks anymore. These days they have prosthetic hands. You know, rubber. Just like real hands.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, he had a hook.
Adrian Monk: Or a hand. It was probably a hand.
Lieutenant Disher: It was a hook.
Adrian Monk: Or a hand.

Lieutenant Disher: [sneezes]
Sharona: You okay?
Lieutenant Disher: She has a cat.
Sharona: Well, why don't you tell her to bring it upstairs?
Lieutenant Disher: No. No. It doesn't matter. If a cat's been in a house in the last year, I can't stop sneezing.
Sharona: Really? Remind me to buy a cat.
Lieutenant Disher: [sneezes] Well, at least you won't be alone on Saturday nights.

Adrian Monk: Sharona said I should start off with a joke to break the ice.
Ms. Lennington: Who's Sharona?
Adrian Monk: My nurse. Do you like Marmaduke?
Ms. Lennington: Who?
Adrian Monk: He's in the comics. He's a dog. But he's big. He's the biggest dog in the world. Today, he got stuck in the doggie door again. And the man said, "At least this time, he's facing the right way." [slight chuckle] You can learn a lot from Marmaduke.
Ms. Lennington: I think I just did.