Previous Episode Next Episode 

35Quotes from ‘CHiPs and Salsa’

Modern Family: CHiPs and Salsa

919. CHiPs and Salsa

Aired April 11, 2018

When her boss looks for a product with the magical healing properties of peppers, Haley suggests buying Gloria's sauce business. Mitchell arranges for Cameron to join him on a police ride-along. Meanwhile, Claire tries to set the record straight about the time Phil bested her in a race.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: The release form for this ride-along is is shockingly thorough.
Officer Stablitzky: I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. can't bury another ride-along. 'm kind of the precinct cut up.
Mitchell: Okay.
Cameron: Mitchell, it'll be fine. They do these things all the time.
Mitchell: Yeah, easy for you to say. My entire head is a gang color.

Quote from Luke

Dr. Perry: Well, Luke, I read your essay. Took a lot of guts to admit you weren't ready for college a year ago.
Luke: I had a lot of growing up to do. So, I got a job, I paid my bills, and I read the Wall Street Journal online until I used up my five free articles.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I let you win.
Phil: You what?
Claire: Oh, I had you beat, easily. I didn't even break a sweat. As a matter of fact, I almost pulled a muscle holding back. But, I saw how much it meant to you, and I let you win.
Phil: Oh, wow, yeah. No, that makes a lot of sense. I get it. Like the way all the other horses wanted Secretariat to feel good.
Claire: Now you're Secretariat?
Phil: I don't know. Was Secretariat married to a crazy person?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, this is so exciting. You know, in my alternate life, I'm a I'm a cop.
Mitchell: I-I thought that your alternate life was you teaching at-risk youth to street dance.
Cameron: No, I teach them to believe in themselves through street dance.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam's always wanted to go on a ride-along. So, I called in a favor to my law school friend Lucy at the DA's office. Weird thing, they're understaffed. And she offered me a job as a prosecutor. I just I can't picture myself with a badge. I mean, I already hate how thick my wallet is.

Quote from Luke

Dr. Perry: Well, based on your credit score, we'd like to welcome you to Sequoia Community College.
Luke: Oh, thank you!
Dr. Perry: And once your walk through one of our 15 TSA-approved metal detectors, anything is possible.
Luke: How hard is it?
Dr. Perry: Well, most of our students report about 10 to 15 hours of homework a week in addition to class time.
Luke: That sounds like real college.
Dr. Perry: This is a real college. And it's a lot of hard work. But, you put in your two years here, then transfer to a real- to a four-year college and you will land an entry-level job. Nothing too glamorous, but you pay your dues, climb the ladder. By the time you're 45, you're living in a three-bedroom house with a picket fence!
Luke: Wow!
[aside to camera:]
Luke: Three-bedroom house with a picket fence? Already got one of those. Plus, free meals, laundry, and cable. I am living the dream. You know what I say? "Who needs college?"

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell had a wonderful time.
Lucy: Oh, great. So, does that mean the answer's "Yes"?
Cameron: What's the question?
Lucy: Oh, I've been trying for weeks to get this guy to become prosecutor.
Cameron: Y- You mean, like, Angie Harmon on on "Law and Order" or Susan Dey on "L.A. Law"?
Mitchell: Or a man who does that job.

Quote from Jay

Jay: And we appreciate you taking time from your busy schedule here at NERP. It's a dynamite organization. I'm a big fan. Love what you're doing.
Gloria: [whispering] What are you doing?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I was selling. That's what I was doing. I don't know what nonsense this cult was pushing, but at the end of the day, they were gonna be in the sauce business.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Wait a minute. I'm confused.
Gloria: Why did you tell her that the deal was off?
Jay: I was trying to protect your legacy.
Gloria: What legacy? There's not legacy. I invented that whole story to drive up the price. Are you sure you're in sales?
Jay: What about the pictures?
Gloria: I cut them out from Manny's National Geographic old magazines. Look, there's even a picture at the Universal Studios tour. That's the "Psycho" house in the back!

Quote from Gloria

Jay: So, you want to get rid of the business?
Gloria: Yes, I hate that sauce. It's a dog! I have storage lockers all over town full of jars. I tried to flush it, but it eats up the pipes.
Jay: You could've just told me.
Gloria: I didn't want to admit that you were right and have to hear "I told you so" for the rest of my life. Well, your life.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Dad? Need you bad, buddy.
Luke: Why are you yelling?
Phil: Oh, don't tell Mom, but I worked out too hard, and it clogged my ears. I need some ice. And a heating pad. And some aspirin. And some soft foods, like Jell-o or soup. Can you poach an egg? Can you even hear me?!

Quote from Haley

Nicole: Yes, I wanted to talk to you all about something very important. So, what plant has been revered for its healing properties for millions of years?
Madison: Aloe.
Nicole: 'ello to you, too, but let's stay focused. Peppers.
Haley: Peppers. Weird, we are so in synch these days.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] I haven't come up with a single product idea in weeks, so I'm on thin ice at NERP. And I don't mean the low-calorie ice cubes we sell on our website.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Well, my my step-grandmother, she is from Colombia, and she sells a salsa that is supposedly made with these magical peppers.
Nicole: Peppers? I was just talking about them.
Haley: Yeah.
Nicole: When can I meet her?

Quote from Haley

Gloria: Sell my sauce business to NERP?
Haley: I think you could get a lot for it. When Nicole wants something, she just throws money at it. She bought her next-door neighbor's house because she liked the mailbox.
Gloria: I don't know.
Jay: I do. Dump it. That thing is worth less than a bachelor's degree.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Please, Gloria. I really need this. No one takes me seriously at that office. I don't even have my own cubicle. I share one, giant bean bag chair with the interns.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Whoa, what's up with the blazer and the t-shirt? Thought you were going to a college interview, not doing stand up in 1988.
Luke: I'm starting to think maybe college isn't for me. There's this guy at the club who said I could be a model. He said he's gonna take me out to the desert this week and take some pictures.
Claire: I'd put a pin in that.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: So, when do we roll?
Officer Stablitzky: You mean leave?
Cameron: Oh, copy that. You know, it's hard for me not to use the lingo. Bit of a lawman myself, acting high-school vice principal. Anyway, they call me "Arthritis" because I make life hard on seniors.
Mitchell: [laughs] They don't. But he did make a sign for his desk, didn't ya?

Quote from Phil

Claire: You know, Phil, it's not too late to back out. I am in the best shape of my life. After my last physical, the doctor posted my stress test on his Instagram.
Phil: Honey, I'm on the basketball court four days a week. They call me "Phil Dunk-phy".
Claire: Well, take a good look at this face 'cause it's the last time you're gonna see it for a while. On your mark, get set, go!

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] I immediately pulled that muscle that runs from the top of your head down to the bottom of your feet. The truth is, between work and not wanting to workout, I hadn't worked out that much.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Welcome to the jungle, Claire. Monkey see, monkey d- Ow!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: My first thought was that I had been shot in both shoulders. Here's the thing: while Claire works out, I do go to the basketball court, but, uh, for epic robot battles.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, my God, that was such a rush. I imagine that's what it feels like to punch a guy or or catch a ball while running.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, hey, Chatty-Cathys, heads up. Possible 10-99 right over here.
Officer Stablitzky: What?
Cameron: Couple low lifes over there exchanging cash-money.
Officer Stablitzky: That's because it's a newsstand. And I'm pretty sure a 1099 is a tax form.
Cameron: Oh, yeah, well, what isn't a form these days? School board's got me buried in paperwork. I gotta get three John Hancocks just to take a leak. We're the same, see?

Quote from Gloria

Jay: And this is the sauce maven herself, my wife, Gloria.
Gloria: Very nice to meet you.
Nicole: Oh, I love your accent. You know, I was up for the role of El Chapo's mistress.
Gloria: Oh, I did not see that movie.
Nicole: What movie?

Quote from Jay

Jay: And so, these peppers are the heart of Gloria's sauce. But this is the finished product, of course the Salsa Atomica.
Nicole: Mmm! Peppery!
Jay: She has a sophisticated palate!
Nicole: Mmm! I can feel the healing.
Jay: Maybe that's why you're glowing. Am I crazy or is she glowing? Totally glowing!

Quote from Gloria

Nicole: Gloria, I notice that you're really kind of quiet. Is that a vitamin D thing? 'Cause we have socks that can address that.
Gloria: No, I'm just you know, it's hard for me to sell this. It's been in my family for five generations.
Jay: Most of them had kids at 15.
Gloria: Things were not always easy in my village. But the one thing that we could always count on was the sauce made from this blend of magical Colombian peppers. Well, maybe it was just the way the water came down the mountain and curved around our family farm.
Nicole: I love mountains and curves.
Haley: So NERP!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: You know, I remember my grandmother cooking for me every Sunday. I would hold on to her apron and follow her around the kitchen while she prepared her sauce. She would hold out the spoon to me and say, "Taste this. It's your familia."
Nicole: I feel like NERP is my familia.
Haley: Yeah, we were all here on Christmas.
Gloria: Maybe it is the right time. My abuela is gone. My great aunts are all gone. They straightened the river.
Nicole: NERP can re-curve it.
Gloria: Maybe it is the time to say "Goodbye" to the one thing that is a real connection to...
Jay: You're not saying "Goodbye" to anything. This deal is done!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Honey, you've got to cut yourself some slack. Do you know how many ideas I had to dump because they weren't working? I was a silent partner of a professional Jai Alai league.
Gloria: With the ball and the scoopy thing?

Quote from Jay

Haley: You guys! What was that?! Now I'm never gonna get my own bean bag chair.
Gloria: No, it's gonna be fine. We want to sell now.
Haley: It's too late. She's moved on. Nicole doesn't give second chances. Mostly because that's the name of a failed rom-com she made with Andrew McCarthy.
Jay: That's where I've seen her before!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Listen, this isn't over. I've had my back against the wall before. Denver, Closet-Con, '97. I had a warehouse full of cedar shelves. A storm blew in over the Rockies
Gloria: You sold the closet, I get it. Let's go up there.
Jay: There's a whole story here.

Quote from Luke

Luke: I don't know what's going on here, but neither of you are good! If you want someone to take care of you, I suggest once you can move, you make another baby.

Quote from Phil

Phil: You're hurting, too?
Claire: That race, it almost destroyed me.
Phil: And I have to spend the rest of my life in this position.
Claire: What are we doing? We're competing like a couple of 40-year-olds. I haven't worked out in months. But, what's up with you? You're out on that basketball court all the time.
Phil: Claire. [grunts] There's someone I'd like for you to meet [robot whirs] This is Awesome Possum. Instead of working out, my super cool friends and I have epic robot battles. The only time I break a sweat is when we run after the ice cream truck.
Claire: Is this what giving up feels like?
Phil: No, not if we do it together. Let's boldly walk forward at a reasonable pace into this new future where we don't have to pretend to be strong or fast.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Can I make a confession?
Phil: Yeah.
Claire: Sometimes, I get hungry at, like, 5:00.
Phil: Me, too! Let's start having early dinners! It makes so much sense. Old people are wise.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Mitchell, come in here.
Mitchell: Wow. Small room, big mirror, handcuffs. Overcharge for drinks, and this could be a bar in West Hollywood.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, why aren't you taking this job?
Mitchell: I don't want to.
Cameron: Why not? You hate freelancing. You're barely doing it.
Mitchell: I-I'm plenty busy.
Cameron: Are you? Because you know what? Lily and I saw you putting breadcrumbs in your pocket the other day. Are you back to spending your afternoons with the pigeons in the park, Mitchell?
Mitchell: W- You know, they're hungry.
Cameron: No, you're hungry. For a purpose.
Mitchell: It's just not my thing.
Cameron: Sit down. [scoffs] Not your thing, huh? Okay, well, I snapped this picture of you this afternoon. Do you recognize the person in this picture?
Mitchell: Uh, Yes, it's me. You just said that, so-
Cameron: Okay, well, what is the expression on your face?
Mitchell: What are you doing?
Cameron: I asked a question! "What is the expression on your face?"
Mitchell: It's a smile. And how would you describe this"smile"?
Cameron: Well, from ear-to-ear.
Mitchell: Wh- Where's Blitz with my donut?
Cameron: You'll get a donut when I get answers, you piece of trash!


 Episode 918 Episode 920