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‘CHiPs and Salsa’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Modern Family: CHiPs and Salsa

919. CHiPs and Salsa

Aired April 11, 2018

When her boss looks for a product with the magical healing properties of peppers, Haley suggests buying Gloria's sauce business. Mitchell arranges for Cameron to join him on a police ride-along. Meanwhile, Claire tries to set the record straight about the time Phil bested her in a race.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: The release form for this ride-along is is shockingly thorough.
Officer Stablitzky: I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. can't bury another ride-along. 'm kind of the precinct cut up.
Mitchell: Okay.
Cameron: Mitchell, it'll be fine. They do these things all the time.
Mitchell: Yeah, easy for you to say. My entire head is a gang color.

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Quote from Luke

Dr. Perry: Well, Luke, I read your essay. Took a lot of guts to admit you weren't ready for college a year ago.
Luke: I had a lot of growing up to do. So, I got a job, I paid my bills, and I read the Wall Street Journal online until I used up my five free articles.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I let you win.
Phil: You what?
Claire: Oh, I had you beat, easily. I didn't even break a sweat. As a matter of fact, I almost pulled a muscle holding back. But, I saw how much it meant to you, and I let you win.
Phil: Oh, wow, yeah. No, that makes a lot of sense. I get it. Like the way all the other horses wanted Secretariat to feel good.
Claire: Now you're Secretariat?
Phil: I don't know. Was Secretariat married to a crazy person?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, this is so exciting. You know, in my alternate life, I'm a I'm a cop.
Mitchell: I-I thought that your alternate life was you teaching at-risk youth to street dance.
Cameron: No, I teach them to believe in themselves through street dance.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam's always wanted to go on a ride-along. So, I called in a favor to my law school friend Lucy at the DA's office. Weird thing, they're understaffed. And she offered me a job as a prosecutor. I just I can't picture myself with a badge. I mean, I already hate how thick my wallet is.

Quote from Luke

Dr. Perry: Well, based on your credit score, we'd like to welcome you to Sequoia Community College.
Luke: Oh, thank you!
Dr. Perry: And once your walk through one of our 15 TSA-approved metal detectors, anything is possible.
Luke: How hard is it?
Dr. Perry: Well, most of our students report about 10 to 15 hours of homework a week in addition to class time.
Luke: That sounds like real college.
Dr. Perry: This is a real college. And it's a lot of hard work. But, you put in your two years here, then transfer to a real- to a four-year college and you will land an entry-level job. Nothing too glamorous, but you pay your dues, climb the ladder. By the time you're 45, you're living in a three-bedroom house with a picket fence!
Luke: Wow!
[aside to camera:]
Luke: Three-bedroom house with a picket fence? Already got one of those. Plus, free meals, laundry, and cable. I am living the dream. You know what I say? "Whom needs college?"

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell had a wonderful time.
Lucy: Oh, great. So, does that mean the answer's "Yes"?
Cameron: What's the question?
Lucy: Oh, I've been trying for weeks to get this guy to become prosecutor.
Cameron: Y- You mean, like, Angie Harmon on on "Law and Order" or Susan Dey on "L.A. Law"?
Mitchell: Or a man who does that job.

Quote from Jay

Jay: And we appreciate you taking time from your busy schedule here at NERP. It's a dynamite organization. I'm a big fan. Love what you're doing.
Gloria: [whispering] What are you doing?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I was selling. That's what I was doing. I don't know what nonsense this cult was pushing, but at the end of the day, they were gonna be in the sauce business.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Wait a minute. I'm confused.
Gloria: Why did you tell her that the deal was off?
Jay: I was trying to protect your legacy.
Gloria: What legacy? There's not legacy. I invented that whole story to drive up the price. Are you sure you're in sales?
Jay: What about the pictures?
Gloria: I cut them out from Manny's National Geographic old magazines. Look, there's even a picture at the Universal Studios tour. That's the "Psycho" house in the back!

Quote from Gloria

Jay: So, you want to get rid of the business?
Gloria: Yes, I hate that sauce. It's a dog! I have storage lockers all over town full of jars. I tried to flush it, but it eats up the pipes.
Jay: You could've just told me.
Gloria: I didn't want to admit that you were right and have to hear "I told you so" for the rest of my life. Well, your life.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Dad? Need you bad, buddy.
Luke: Why are you yelling?
Phil: Oh, don't tell Mom, but I worked out too hard, and it clogged my ears. I need some ice. And a heating pad. And some aspirin. And some soft foods, like Jell-o or soup. Can you poach an egg? Can you even hear me?!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, hey, Chatty-Cathys, heads up. Possible 10-99 right over here.
Officer Stablitzky: What?
Cameron: Couple low lifes over there exchanging cash-money.
Officer Stablitzky: That's because it's a newsstand. And I'm pretty sure a 1099 is a tax form.
Cameron: Oh, yeah, well, what isn't a form these days? School board's got me buried in paperwork. I gotta get three John Hancocks just to take a leak. We're the same, see?

Quote from Haley

Nicole: Yes, I wanted to talk to you all about something very important. So, what plant has been revered for its healing properties for millions of years?
Madison: Aloe.
Nicole: 'ello to you, too, but let's stay focused. Peppers.
Haley: Peppers. Weird, we are so in synch these days.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] I haven't come up with a single product idea in weeks, so I'm on thin ice at NERP. And I don't mean the low-calorie ice cubes we sell on our website.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Well, my my step-grandmother, she is from Colombia, and she sells a salsa that is supposedly made with these magical peppers.
Nicole: Peppers? I was just talking about them.
Haley: Yeah.
Nicole: When can I meet her?

Quote from Haley

Gloria: Sell my sauce business to NERP?
Haley: I think you could get a lot for it. When Nicole wants something, she just throws money at it. She bought her next-door neighbor's house because she liked the mailbox.
Gloria: I don't know.
Jay: I do. Dump it. That thing is worth less than a bachelor's degree.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Please, Gloria. I really need this. No one takes me seriously at that office. I don't even have my own cubicle. I share one, giant bean bag chair with the interns.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Whoa, what's up with the blazer and the t-shirt? Thought you were going to a college interview, not doing stand up in 1988.
Luke: I'm starting to think maybe college isn't for me. There's this guy at the club who said I could be a model. He said he's gonna take me out to the desert this week and take some pictures.
Claire: I'd put a pin in that.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: So, when do we roll?
Officer Stablitzky: You mean leave?
Cameron: Oh, copy that. You know, it's hard for me not to use the lingo. Bit of a lawman myself, acting high-school vice principal. Anyway, they call me "Arthritis" because I make life hard on seniors.
Mitchell: [laughs] They don't. But he did make a sign for his desk, didn't ya?

Quote from Phil

Claire: You know, Phil, it's not too late to back out. I am in the best shape of my life. After my last physical, the doctor posted my stress test on his Instagram.
Phil: Honey, I'm on the basketball court four days a week. They call me "Phil Dunk-phy".
Claire: Well, take a good look at this face 'cause it's the last time you're gonna see it for a while. On your mark, get set, go!

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