Phil: Box of chocolates. Count Chocula. Chaka Khan, conman, Isle of Man. "I Love Lucy," Lucy Liu. Lululemon, lemon peel. "Key & Peele," key chain! Novelty key chain?! No! No!

Phil: Mm. I mean, finding a gift that has all three is challenging, but here's the thing. Bad ideas aren't your enemy. In fact, sometimes if you free-associate from the bad ideas, you discover great ones. Let's try it.
Sales Associate: Sir, would you like a bonsai tree?
Phil: Novelty key chain. First thing that popped into the noodle. It's terrible. Let's see what that key unlocks. Novelty key chain. Novelty lock. Loch Ness Monster. Monster bike. Bike lock. Padlock. Mouse pad. Novelty mouse pad! Novelty key chain! What just happened?

Phil: If I don't care that it mops, dusts, squeegees, and lights up, would I care that Stacey Keach says it's the last cleaning tool you'll ever need?

Cameron: You know, maybe it's just time we start to admit that straight couples have strengths that we don't, you know? And maybe moms know more about girls than we do.
Mitchell: Is it time to start farming some of this girl stuff out?
Cameron: Yeah, but to who? Claire's an over-sharer. Gloria is her body even human? Haley knows less than Lily. So who do we go to? Alex?
Mitchell: I guess. I mean, it'll be dull, but it'll be right.

Luke: Joe, I'm coming for you. Hey, have you guys seen Joe? [lifts cushions on couch]
Joe: Aw, man! You found me so easy. But that was for fun.
[aside to camera:]
Joe: Hide and seek? What am I, 4? I'm here because Luke has the new zombie video game that my mom would never let me play.

Phil: [aside to camera] This time I left my shopping till the last minute, maybe just to give Claire a chance at our competition. Am I too competitive? I mean, she does often say, "Phil, do you always have to finish first?"

Phil: Raccoons!
Claire: Oh, for God's sake, Phil, just swear like an adult.
Phil: No! Part of me always knew this is how I was gonna go out.
Claire: In a wine fire surrounded by raccoons?

Jay: Manny you're gonna learn something today.
Manny: I try to learn something every day. It keeps me young, or nuori, as they say in Finnish.
Jay: Assuming you stop saying stuff like that, one day you will be married, and eventually the ex will show up sniffing around, puffing out his pretty-boy chest, which is your cue to go alpha.
Manny: Don't you think Mom will get annoyed when she sees you being rude to an old friend?
Jay: Not at all. Deep down, she wants to see me vanquish all who came before. It's basic animal stuff.
Manny: Oh, I get it. My girlfriend Karen was pretty frisky the other night after her ex showed up, and I bested him in a chocolate-soufflé bake-off. I don't need to tell you my soufflé wasn't the only sweet brown dish she devoured that night.
Jay: Because?
Manny: I also made molasses cookies.
Jay: I've learned to ask the second question.

Phil: Scented candles. [laughs] The simpleton's choice. The perfect gift has three elements: not something you'd buy for yourself, takes you on an emotional journey, that journey is on a ship. A showmanship.

Jay: There are a lot of ways you can establish status over another man, like Jorge. A firm handshake, displays of wealth, and feats of strength. [grunts]
Manny: Interesting. Moving that rug was the hardest thing in the world for you when I needed to practice tap dancing.
Jay: There are also more subtle moves, what I call micro-aggressions. Call him by the wrong name. [doorbell rings] Throws him off the moment he meets you.