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‘Not in My House’ Quotes

Modern Family: Not in My House

112. Not in My House

Aired January 13, 2010

Claire finds a dirty picture on her laptop and thinks Luke was the one looking at it. Meanwhile, Gloria is unhappy with Jay's dog butler statue, Barkley, and Mitchell feels Cameron is too interested in helping people.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Who are we kidding? We both got it pretty good. Hell, I'm probably fighting with your mom more than I'm fighting with Gloria on this thing.
Mitchell: A bird fell out of a tree and he fed it with an eyedropper.
Jay: Just drop it, kid. We're both with people different from us, and that's gonna create stuff, but you want different. Your mom and I were perfect on paper and you know how that ended. [holding Barkley's hands] What I got now is a lot better. Sure, people look at us sometimes. And sometimes even I can't believe we're together. But we're happy. At the end of the day, there's no one I'd rather come home to.
Mitchell: You mean Gloria.
Jay: Who else?

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Quote from Phil

Claire: Okay, I checked the rest of the computers in the house. I didn't find any more porn.
Phil: That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Looks like I missed the party, huh?
Mitchell: What is- What is that doing here?
Jay: He is a gift for you and Cam.
Mitchell: Thank you.
Jay: He lost his monocle on the drive. Head was out the window.
Cameron: Well, they love that.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I never meant to blame you for that whole picture thing. Your mom sort of thought it was yours and I should have stopped it, but I didn't.
Luke: So what was the picture of?
Phil: Well, it was a woman on a tractor and she had her shirt off.
Luke: Was it hot?
Phil: Okay, we're being honest here. Um, this particular woman- Well, my tastes do run to the curvy, and the cowboy hat did not hurt one bit. Couple that with the cutoff jeans- And you were asking about the weather, weren't you?
Luke: Yeah.
Phil: Well, this is good. This is good. [Luke walks away] You're gonna be going through some changes soon. And I think now you can feel safe talking to me about whatever.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [as Barkley, in a British accent] And so it ends. Sadly, I've been summarily dismissed from the employ of Masters Cameron and Mitchell. The former being an utter delight, and the latter being a humorless snoot.
Mitchell: Just come on. Get him in the car. The thrift shop's closing.
Cameron: What is this exciting thrift shop you speak of? Many of my relatives were taken out of their homes to be released into the green pastures in their maturity-
Mitchell: Did you just say "matoority?"
Cameron: Unhand me, you brute! [later] I regret nothing! I'll pay you. I'm a comfortable man. I've been stealing from your father for days. [later] Oh, is there any better feeling in the world than having your ears flap in the wind?
Mitchell: You know what? Get out.
Cameron: You mean it? Sweet freedom?
Mitchell: No, not you, Barkley. Cameron, out.
Cameron: Oh.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Where are you going?
Claire: I'm going to pick up Luke from his sleepover. We need to talk to him about this now.
Phil: Claire, this is a very delicate situation. If we don't handle it right, Luke might end up having an unhealthy attitude about sex or agribusiness.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] I am a very lucky woman. I have a wonderful family, a beautiful home. There's nothing that I would change. I hate the dog butler. I keep forgetting it's there. And every time it happens, it scares me all over again. Sometimes, at night, I think it's the devil. [whispers] El diablo.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Hey, Cam, does the gardener usually work on Saturdays?
Cameron: I don't know. He comes when we need him. He's like Batman but straight.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Is he crying?
Cameron: Oh, yeah.
Mitchell: We should probably go out the back, huh?
Cameron: He's clearly in pain. How can you just turn your back on a friend like that?
Mitchell: A friend? Really? Yeah? What's his name?
Cameron: Caesar Salazar.
Mitchell: You made that up. You were gonna say "Caesar Salad."

Quote from Phil

Claire: Luke was using my computer for this.
Phil: I'm gonna have to, uh, call you back. [hangs up]
Claire: He told me he needed it to do homework, and then I find this, a-a picture of a topless woman, with the biggest boobs I have ever seen, driving a tractor.
Phil: Okay. Um- Uh, first of all, that's a combine, not a tractor.
Claire: Phil! Phil! It is smut, and our 10-year-old is looking at smut! It's disgusting!
Phil: Completely unacceptable.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Here's the thing. That was my picture. Well, not really mine. There's this guy at work who sends out these links. Doesn't matter who. Gil Thorpe. He sent out another one of the same woman dressed as a battleship. You know, the- You get- Yeah. And then one of the Transformers- And then it- Anyway, I had every intention of telling Claire. I just wanted her to calm down first.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Barkley? He's hilarious. I was in Vegas last month and I was winning. And I thought, I could do the usual, be a chump, give the money back to the casino, or I could do something smart and buy something for myself at the casino store. He's already a family favorite. He's a dog and a butler. I mean, who couldn't love him?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Oh, one of my favorite childhood memories was attending the Moscow Marionette Theater.
Cameron: I grew up one mile away from Missouri's largest waterslide. And third largest in the country.
Mitchell: Oh, really, Cam. You never mentioned that before.
Cameron: You feel like-
Mitchell: Feel like a torpedo.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, Gloria, do you have any idea why Barkley was in the guest room?
Gloria: I was just doing a little redecorating. Sometimes it's good to move things around just to see how they look.
Jay: Yeah, but the guest room? That's crazy. He's not a guest. He works for us.

Quote from Phil

Phil: You and I need to have a little talk.
Luke: About what?
Phil: Well, it's about computer stuff. Um- [clears throat] How do you make sure you've deleted something after you read it?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Well, you know, I kinda promised him we'd keep everything between us. Matter of fact, he'd be mortified if you brought it up with him ever.
Claire: Oh, God, really?
Phil: Yeah.
Claire: That actually makes me feel kinda bad.
Phil: Well, you're probably just feeling a little tense from all this. I know I am. You know what might help the situation?
Claire: Really? Right now?
Phil: I meant going out for a few pizzas. Where's your mind? I guess I live in a house full of sex maniacs.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, let's go.
Mitchell: No, please. I know it's killing you not to get back there in the middle of that.
Cameron: Oh, no, no, no, no. We are going. These folks can find their own way out. And now you'll know that I'm not a manic Mother Teresa out there collecting lost souls. [opens door to a middle-aged Latino couple] Oh, come on.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Where's Cam?
Mitchell: We got into a fight. Because of him, I have a house full of Latinos.
Jay: Welcome to my world. So, trouble in gay paradise, huh?
Mitchell: He just can't say no to anybody who needs help. And why do you have to always add the word "gay" where it doesn't belong?
Jay: Hey, hey, you're not mad at me. You're mad at the old balls and chain.
Mitchell: Okay, Dad, good talk. See you later.
Jay: Come on, I didn't mean it. Hey, I didn't mean it.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Mom, can I talk to you?
Claire: Sure, honey. What's going on?
Luke: I feel bad about something I did.
Claire: Oh, sweetie. Is this about the computer?
Luke: Yeah.
Claire: Something you shouldn't have been looking at?
Luke: Yeah. It was just so freaky. I couldn't stop looking.
Claire: I know, sweet pea. But the important thing is you did stop looking.
Luke: Yeah. After about an hour.
Claire: Okay. Well, it's perfectly normal to be curious about these things.
Luke: Some parts were funny.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Luke: And some parts just seemed crazy.
Claire: Well, I hope you realize that some of those parts weren't real. Obviously. [chuckles]
Luke: But they can be totally real, right? Like Anne Frank's? What? All I know is it really made me wonder about Haley.
Claire: That's disturbing, sweetie. Why Haley?
Luke: It was her journal.

Quote from Phil

Claire: When I find out that my children are looking at a naked picture online, they don't have any privacy.
Alex: Who was looking at naked pictures?
Claire: That doesn't matter.
Haley: I wasn't.
Luke: Wasn't me. That's gross. I'm 10! What's wrong with you people?
Claire: Wait a minute. If it wasn't you, who was it?
Phil: [enters] Mangia!

Quote from Jay

Gloria: I came as soon as I heard your message. You said that somebody was getting married?
Jay: [standing next to Barkley at the altar] Gloria, there you are. I've got good news. [Gloria walks away] What's the matter?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, I speak a little Spanish. Senor, ¿Te gustaría hacer agua y tener nuestra cama? [Would you like to make water and have our bed?]
Gardener: Gracias.
Mitchell: What was that?
Cameron: I just asked him if he wanted to have a glass of water and sit down for a minute, like any kind person would.
[The gardener, still sobbing, goes into Cameron and Mitch's bedroom and closes the door]


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