Claire: [on the phone] Haley, I love you. If you don't want to work in that store, I'll help you find something you like better.
Haley: Is this reverse psychiatry?
Claire: No, honey. Actually, nothing is.

Lily: I want a cheeseburger.
Cameron: But this is a special soup called pho.
Lily: You told me not to say that word.

Jay: [aside to camera] It took me right back to 40 years ago, candy-ass preppies with too many privileges. You know what I hated most about those guys? They all had these little noses. What is that?
Okay, gun to my head, maybe I was a tiny bit jealous of those guys back then, with their cars and their fancy hair products: your brylcreems and your VO5s.
You know what was a rare book in my school library? One that didn't have genitals drawn all over it. Who am I kidding? I wanted what those kids had then, and 40 years later, I still wanted it.

Claire: [aside to camera] A couple of weeks ago, I had a minor heart incident. I am fine. But just to be safe, I'm having an angiogram, which is when they inject a dye to make sure there's no blockage. It's- It's no big deal.
Phil: We're not worried.
Claire: No.
Phil: If something were to happen, which it's not-
Claire: Not gonna.
Phil: I would turn our bedroom into a shrine to Claire.
Claire: Wow.
Phil: And this room into a hall of magic.

Alex: I need caffeine today.
Claire: You can have juice. How late were you at that party last night?
Haley: Oh, please. She snuck in at 10:00 and spent all night reading under the covers with a flashlight.
Claire: Alex, what have I told you about staying out past your curfew?
Alex: I need to do it more often.

Jay: I never went to private school. Hell, I never even finished college, and look at me. That Danish I just ate cost 6 bucks. I didn't even blink.
Manny: I've always felt out of place in public school, like a lone petunia in an onion patch.
Jay: You felt out of place? Let me tell you something about your prep school buddies. When I was younger, I had a job checking coats at a country club. These smug rich kids used to waltz in there and throw their coats at me like I was nothing. That was before your high-tech fabrics. They weighed a ton. You see that scar?
Manny: The one you got in the war?
Jay: That's what I tell people. I caught the scalloped edge of a Burberry duffel coat toggle. Still not sure there isn't a piece in there.

Cameron: And with respect to your heritage, you're not gay. You're Vietnamese.
Lily: What's that?
Cameron: Well, Vietnam is a beautiful country, and it's near China.
Mitchell: Uh, it- It's known for, uh... Its... Its farms, with all of the, uh...
Cameron: Uh, water buffaloes.
Mitchell: Water buffalo. And bikes. Lily, there are bikes everywhere.
Cameron: Oh! There are so many bikes.
Mitchell: So many bikes.
Cameron: People are biking around. And then- Aand they're wearing hats.
Mitchell: Hats.
Cameron: They have these beautiful sun hats.
Mitchell: That swoop.

Claire: I can't believe how relieved I am.
Phil: Me, too. I'm just texting the kids.
Claire: It's like at a certain age, "it's probably nothing" becomes "it's probably nothing." Like they add italics at 40.

Mitchell: Hey, what's going on with you?
Gloria: Manny has forgotten most of his Spanish, and Joe, I'm sure he's not even going to learn it. I know this is silly, but I just don't like feeling like I'm so different from the rest of my family.
Cameron: Oh, honey.
Gloria: It feels so lonely, yes.
Cameron: Oh, wait just a second. Lily, is that why you want to be gay, to be more like your daddies? [Lily nods]
Mitchell: Oh, honey. No, the three of us are a family even though we come from different places. You know, you were born in Vietnam, and I grew up in a city, and even though he never talks about it, your daddy grew up on a farm.

Luke: Okay, everybody, calm down. Here's what we know. Mom had to go to the hospital for a simple procedure. Then mom and dad start calling us, acting weird. Open your eyes, people. They've been kidnapped.