Lily: What if he never comes back?
Jay: Oh, honey, no one ever leaves home and doesn't come back.
Lily: I did.

Claire: [v.o.] Soldiers talk about that moment when they shut off, when the war finally wins. For me, that moment is four days into summer vacation.

Jay: What's all this? I said one suitcase.
Manny: I need choices, Jay.
Jay: Colombia's not one of your more formal nations. The guy on their money is sitting in a lawn chair.

Phil: We'll get our time. They're all going away at some point, right?
Claire: Yeah, Haley's got her beach trip, and Alex is doing habitat for humanity, and Luke has camp. If I remember, I think we have six hours totally kid-free on... Oh, the 14th.
Phil: Hey, if we moved Alex's flight, we could have, like ten or twelve hours.
Claire: Dream bigger, hot pants. Step aside.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Sometimes I don't know if I love how much I fear Claire, or fear how much I love her.
Claire: Aw.

Gloria: So tell me, Cam. How does it work when it is between two men?
Cameron: Well, I don't really feel comfortable talking about that in front of Lily.
Gloria: I know how that works. I rented the wrong movie once. Did you see "Glen, Garry, Glenn, and Ross"?

Cameron: It's amazing. We'll celebrate tonight. I love you. [hangs up]
Jay: Celebrate what?
Cameron: Oh. Well, Jay, hold on to your hat. But as of today in California, it's legal for a man to marry another man!
Joe: [spits up]
Lily: Ew. He threw up.
Jay: He just needs some time to get used to the idea, honey.

Gloria: What I mean is, who proposes to who?
Cameron: I don't know. We've talked about it, if it ever became legal.
Gloria: Okay, and now it is.
Gloria: So are you going to do it today?
Cameron: Well, it just happened. I haven't really had-
Gloria: Oh, you have to do it today. Every couple deserve a beautiful proposal story.
Cameron: Well, I have always adored my mom and dad's story. He plowed "Will you marry me?" into a snowy field right outside of her window. And then he tried to re-create it for their 25th wedding anniversary. But there was no snow, so he burned it into a cornfield. Bad idea. You know, but mama did get a second ring out of it with the F.E.M.A. money.

Manny: Jay, I'm scared. I'm not sure I want to go through with it.
Jay: We didn't drive all the way down here for that piece of paper for you to get cold feet at the last second. And what happened, anyway? You've been looking forward to this day for months.
Manny: I know. But maybe we should wait until next year. I'm still kind of young to be doing this.
Jay: We're not waiting. I already paid for you, and your mother signed off. This is happening. [to the concerned gay onlookers] Great day, huh?

Gloria: Okay, Manny, remember, as soon as you land, watch out for Malaria.
Manny: Why? I got a shot for that.
Jay: Can we hurry this up?
Gloria: No, I'm look about your cousin Malaria. She's coming to pick you up, but she might have Rubella.
Manny: What?
Gloria: That's her daughter. But make room in the car because she could have diphtheria.
Manny: Who's diphtheria?
Gloria: Ay, Manny, diphtheria is a disease. That's why I want you to be apart from her in the car.

Mitchell: This is not at all how I saw the evening going.
Cameron: Oh. Honey, you have no idea.
Mitchell: Do you remember our first apartment?
Cameron: Yes. What- What made you think of that?
Mitchell: I don't know. The stars. All right. Come on. Let's do this.
Cameron: Yeah.
[Mitchell and Cameron both get down on one knee to tend to the tire]
Both: Yes.