Gloria: That's Auntie Alice's new sauce! She stole my recipe! I know. I am the crazy Colombian that always loses her temper and needs to be calmed down by the white people.
Phil: No! I don't think you're being crazy enough. I'm not a violent man, but I know how nuts it can make you to create something special only to have it stolen from you. Do you remember a hit song called "Happy?"
Gloria: Yeah, it was like a couple of years ago with the clapping and the hat.
Phil: A couple of years ago, huh? So a full four years after this burst on the scene.
Phil: [on video] Because I'm snappy Snap with me if you think that today is a good day That's right, I'm snappy Snap with me if you took a test and you go-o-t an A You see, I'm snappy...
Phil: Sounds just a little similar, right?
Gloria: A little, but-
Phil: Thank you!
Gloria: But do you think that he saw this?
Phil: Um, it had 27 views. Come on. We're going down to that market to make that old bat cease and desist. I will not stand idly by while Auntie Alice Pharrell Williamses you.

Cameron: Yeah, it's a painful story.
Manny: I get it. Some things are better left unsaid.
Cameron: Her name was Tina Day. We were just friends, but I was so into asking her, I rented a white stallion and a suit of armor. I wanted it to be a whole "Knight and Day" theme. I was promposing before it was even a thing. I rode up her driveway, and I could see when she opened the door through the little slits in my helmet what her answer was gonna be. She wanted a traditional prom night with a guy she could lose her virginity to. I couldn't blame her. I wanted the same thing.

Phil: Gloria, we're above that. But not everyone would be. You should put that beauty in your garage.
Auntie Alice: I don't have one.
Phil: Oh, really? Just out of curiosity, do you not have a garage because you converted it into the guesthouse where your grandson's currently showering?
Auntie Alice: What's your game, mister?
Phil: I just find it interesting that you have a fully plumbed stand-alone dwelling on your property.
Auntie Alice: That's none of your business.
Phil: Even more peculiar, your grandson appears to live here, but judging by his T-shirt, he goes to Eden Mills High, an elite public school 12 miles outside of your district. Oh, maybe with the money you saved on private schools, you paid for the new two-sided brick fireplace I saw, which hasn't been legal since 1988.
Gloria: Go, Phil, go!
Phil: Pull the sauce, Big Al, or Monday morning, the city's here with a bulldozer, and your grandson goes to a school with a metal detector.
Auntie Alice: How do you know all this? What are you- Some kind of real-estate agent?
Gloria: No. He's a Realtor. There is a difference somehow!

Cameron: Okay, can I just point out the absurdity that you ask this uncle to advise you and not this uncle, who hung a Valentine's banner outside of his office that said, "Mitchell, you're the best husband, father, and lover."
Mitchell: Didn't love all three of those being rolled into one sentence. Sounded a little Ozark-y.

Jay: You're skipping out on ClosetCon?
Claire: Who told you that?
Jay: Ben. That little weasel told me everything. Listen, I can tolerate shutting down the blinds, even Rod Bushmill, but not showing up for ClosetCon, you're asking not to be taken seriously. My God, Claire! We're one strong season away from being invited to Expo Internationale Du Closets!

Jay: Come on, Joe. Buff that sucker. What'd I teach you?
Joe: [spits]
Manny: Sanitary. Is Joe applying for a job in a train station in 1940? [sipping tea with his pinkie extended]
Jay: Just teaching him a few things every man should know. Someone has to get in there early, or sometimes the kid turns out funny.

Cameron: Oh, you know, they are looking for chaperones for prom, and I thought maybe we could-
Mitchell: No, we have tickets to the opening of "Cabaret" that night. I'm not missing it so I can tell some teenage girl to keep her dress on. I spent my own prom doing that.

Cameron: I know who that locker belongs to. I can't believe you're asking that cheap Ho to the prom.
Mitchell: Cam!
Cameron: Sarah Ho! She gave me a $5 gift card for Teacher Appreciation Day.

Phil: Wow. That's spicy.
Gloria: That's not the sauce she stole. That's her Volcano sauce. In her ad, one drop turns a hockey rink into a swimming pool. It's her new sauce, the one that tastes just like mine. How are you going to explain that?
Phil: Yeah, we want answers and a little bread.

Cameron: Manny. Okay. I just briefed the team. Dry ice is ready. Bow ties are on the birds.
Manny: Save it, Cam. Megan already said yes to Shawn Reeves. He asked her last period.
Cameron: Oh, I'm so sorry, Manny.
Manny: Can't really blame her. I mean, you try saying no to Shawn Reeves with his weatherman smile and his exotic Canadian accent.
Cameron: Well, there must be someone else you can ask.
Manny: No, that's okay. There's always next year. At least this way I can see the opening of "Cabaret."
Cameron: Oh, please. It's just "Cabaret." It's been revived more times than Dick Cheney.