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39Quotes from ‘Promposal’

Modern Family: Promposal

720. Promposal

Aired May 4, 2016

Ahead of Closet-Con, Claire is convinced there's a mole in the company. Meanwhile, Phil teams up with Gloria to confront Aunt Alice for stealing her hot sauce recipe. Jay tries to teach Joe some "manly" tasks to avoid another Manny. Meanwhile, Cameron goes overboard when he helps Manny with a "promposal", while Mitchell takes a pared-back approach with Luke.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: That's Auntie Alice's new sauce! She stole my recipe! I know. I am the crazy Colombian that always loses her temper and needs to be calmed down by the white people.
Phil: No! I don't think you're being crazy enough. I'm not a violent man, but I know how nuts it can make you to create something special only to have it stolen from you. Do you remember a hit song called "Happy?"
Gloria: Yeah, it was like a couple of years ago with the clapping and the hat.
Phil: A couple of years ago, huh? So a full four years after this burst on the scene.
Phil: [on video] Because I'm snappy Snap with me if you think that today is a good day That's right, I'm snappy Snap with me if you took a test and you go-o-t an A You see, I'm snappy...
Phil: Sounds just a little similar, right?
Gloria: A little, but-
Phil: Thank you!
Gloria: But do you think that he saw this?
Phil: Um, it had 27 views. Come on. We're going down to that market to make that old bat cease and desist. I will not stand idly by while Auntie Alice Pharrell Williamses you.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Yeah, it's a painful story.
Manny: I get it. Some things are better left unsaid.
Cameron: Her name was Tina Day. We were just friends, but I was so into asking her, I rented a white stallion and a suit of armor. I wanted it to be a whole "Knight and Day" theme. I was promposing before it was even a thing. I rode up her driveway, and I could see when she opened the door through the little slits in my helmet what her answer was gonna be. She wanted a traditional prom night with a guy she could lose her virginity to. I couldn't blame her. I wanted the same thing.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Gloria, we're above that. But not everyone would be. You should put that beauty in your garage.
Auntie Alice: I don't have one.
Phil: Oh, really? Just out of curiosity, do you not have a garage because you converted it into the guesthouse where your grandson's currently showering?
Auntie Alice: What's your game, mister?
Phil: I just find it interesting that you have a fully plumbed stand-alone dwelling on your property.
Auntie Alice: That's none of your business.
Phil: Even more peculiar, your grandson appears to live here, but judging by his T-shirt, he goes to Eden Mills High, an elite public school 12 miles outside of your district. Oh, maybe with the money you saved on private schools, you paid for the new two-sided brick fireplace I saw, which hasn't been legal since 1988.
Gloria: Go, Phil, go!
Phil: Pull the sauce, Big Al, or Monday morning, the city's here with a bulldozer, and your grandson goes to a school with a metal detector.
Auntie Alice: How do you know all this? What are you- Some kind of real-estate agent?
Gloria: No. He's a Realtor. There is a difference somehow!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Okay, can I just point out the absurdity that you ask this uncle to advise you and not this uncle, who hung a Valentine's banner outside of his office that said, "Mitchell, you're the best husband, father, and lover."
Mitchell: Didn't love all three of those being rolled into one sentence. Sounded a little Ozark-y.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Come on, Joe. Buff that sucker. What'd I teach you?
Joe: [spits]
Manny: Sanitary. Is Joe applying for a job in a train station in 1940? [sipping tea with his pinkie extended]
Jay: Just teaching him a few things every man should know. Someone has to get in there early, or sometimes the kid turns out funny.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Oh, you know, they are looking for chaperones for prom, and I thought maybe we could-
Mitchell: No, we have tickets to the opening of "Cabaret" that night. I'm not missing it so I can tell some teenage girl to keep her dress on. I spent my own prom doing that.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I know who that locker belongs to. I can't believe you're asking that cheap Ho to the prom.
Mitchell: Cam!
Cameron: Sarah Ho! She gave me a $5 gift card for Teacher Appreciation Day.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Wow. That's spicy.
Gloria: That's not the sauce she stole. That's her Volcano sauce. In her ad, one drop turns a hockey rink into a swimming pool. It's her new sauce, the one that tastes just like mine. How are you going to explain that?
Phil: Yeah, we want answers and a little bread.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Manny. Okay. I just briefed the team. Dry ice is ready. Bow ties are on the birds.
Manny: Save it, Cam. Megan already said yes to Shawn Reeves. He asked her last period.
Cameron: Oh, I'm so sorry, Manny.
Manny: Can't really blame her. I mean, you try saying no to Shawn Reeves with his weatherman smile and his exotic Canadian accent.
Cameron: Well, there must be someone else you can ask.
Manny: No, that's okay. There's always next year. At least this way I can see the opening of "Cabaret."
Cameron: Oh, please. It's just "Cabaret." It's been revived more times than Dick Cheney.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Poor lady. I feel terrible for screaming at her like that.
Phil: I blame myself.
Gloria: I blame yourself, too.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm sorry. I'm just kind of going through something. I got bumped from Lily's career day this morning by a periodontist. That's right. My job is less interesting that root rot.

Quote from Gloria

Phil: So, this is the house that stolen sauce built.
Gloria: [doorbell rings] I'm so angry that I don't even know what I'm gonna say to her! [door opens] Ah, so, this is the house that the stolen sauce built!

Quote from Jay

Jay: You're skipping out on ClosetCon?
Claire: Who told you that?
Jay: Ben. That little weasel told me everything. Listen, I can tolerate shutting down the blinds, even Rod Bushmill, but not showing up for ClosetCon, you're asking not to be taken seriously. My God, Claire! We're one strong season away from being invited to Expo Internationale Du Closets!

Quote from Manny

Jay: Come on. They can't hit you if they can't reach you.
Joe: My pants are falling.
Jay: Well, pull 'em up. Pull 'em up high to your nipples. That prevents a low blow.
Joe: What's a low blow?
Manny: Fantastic. I have to emcee a poetry retrospective tomorrow, and this shawl collar's got more wrinkles than last night's "Downton Abbey."
Jay: That is.

Quote from Cameron

Luke: I really like this girl, and there's just so much pressure to do something spectacular when you ask a girl out to prom. [air hissing] Is there something wrong with your air vents?
Mitchell: No, Cam breathes through his nose when he hides.
Cameron: A promposal? To who? Laurie Vock? Oh, no. She's Ian Jacobs' girl. Melanie Rylance? You have to be careful with her. She has more cold sores than Abby Burmeister.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, well, you know what? I would hate to muck up your promposal with my flair and panache. I'm sure the lucky girl will swoon with delight when you use a mustard bottle to write "Wanna go?" on her turkey burger.

Quote from Claire

Alex: [answering phone] Hello?
Claire: There's an intruder in the house. What?! But you have nothing to worry about with Pritchett's Guardian 3000 Closet, which doubles as a military-grade panic room.
Alex: So no intruder?
Claire: No! I'm just so excited about this idea. I'm debuting it next week at ClosetCon. What do you think?
Alex: I think I'm studying for finals. Can't you scare the crap out of a focus group?
Claire: Like I'm gonna share my best closet idea with a room full of strangers four days before the most hotly anticipated storage convention in North America.
Alex: Good point. You do have Haley's number, right? [hangs up]

Quote from Alex

Singing Group: Ooh, do-do-do-do, do-do-do From the first time that I saw your face Ooh, do-do-do, do-do-do, ay-ee-ay I knew you could mine Ahh
Reuben: Alex Dunphy, would you make me the happiest cat in school and swing by prom with me?
Alex: Sha-Na-nope.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] Apparently, someone tried to access my e-mail before I got in. Someone hell-bent on leaking company secrets. It is four days until C-Con, and Pritchett's Closets has a mole. No one is above suspicion.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [over intercom] Margaret, where were you this morning at 9:45 a.m.?
Margaret: I'm so sorry I was late. I was at Overeaters Anonymous. I woke up next to the ice cream again.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: So not Margaret.

Quote from Cameron

Luke: What's with the birds?
Cameron: Oh, these are just some turtledoves for Manny's promposal.
Mitchell: You're joking. You felt so slighted over Luke asking me that you foisted yourself on Manny?
Cameron: There was no foisting. I asked Manny if he needed help. He was too proud to admit that he did, so here we are.
Mitchell: Is it possible there's something deeper going on with you around this whole prom area?
Cameron: Is it possible you're second-guessing your no-frills approach? Especially compared to turtledoves, backup dancers, and dry ice so Manny can appear in a cloud of mist.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Hello, Auntie Alice.
Phil: Or should she say Auntie Malice?
Auntie Alice: No, Gloria's right. It's Alice. I didn't know you were in today.
Phil: You're in... trouble!
Auntie Alice: Is he okay?

Quote from Phil

Auntie Alice: Your fight's not with me. I'm not really Auntie Alice.
Gloria: Oh, come on. Your cute face is in the bottle!
Auntie Alice: Auntie Alice is a brand that was created by a big corporation.
Gloria: So they were the ones who stole my sauce?
Auntie Alice: They steal all kinds of products. And they have an army of lawyers just ready to crush anyone who challenges them.
Phil: So we just have to take it? Ow! It's in my eye!
Auntie Alice: Oh! Please don't repeat any of this, or I could lose my job. I'm still paying off my improv classes.
Phil: How is this food?!

Quote from Jay

Jay: This will probably be yours someday, so no reason you shouldn't learn to do this.
Joe: Does Manny know how to change oil?
Jay: Bath oils.
Joe: What? Bath oil?
Jay: There's my guy.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Who cares about a bunch of third graders? You love being a real-estate agent.
Phil: First of all, I'm not just a real-estate agent. I'm a Realtor. I'm a member of a national association, a brotherhood, sworn to the Realtor Code of Ethics! That's what this "R" stands for. Though, lately, it feels like it stands for "regret." I know everything there is to know about real estate, and nobody seems to care. Maybe I have the most boring job in the world.
Gloria: No, Phil. Closets is the most boring job in the world.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: A Maserati? She lied to us! Siguela!
Phil: Siguela!
Gloria: No, that means "follow her."

Quote from Alex

Claire: [on the phone] Look, now that I've got you on the phone, I'm thinking it might be time to upgrade our Internet security. Thoughts?
Alex: Get rid of the Post-it note on your laptop with your password on it.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [on the phone] Why are you so worried about security?
Claire: It's my first ClosetCon as C.E.O., and I am dealing with corporate espionage.
Alex: Well, if you're so worried about it, why don't you just call Grandpa?
Claire: Do you know how that would look? I mean, it's bad enough to go to the person who had your job before you, but when that person is Daddy... Honey, closet people are ruthless. They'd eat me alive.
Alex: Or maybe the world isn't filled with heartless monsters. [knock on door, Alex pulls back the curtain]
Reuben: Hi. My phone is wet. Can you call my mom? [closes the curtain]

Quote from Claire

Claire: Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. I just got off the horn with Rick Friedman over at Shelf Involved. That poor guy. Someone there has given away corporate secrets. Makes me so glad that we just upgraded our whole security system. I mean, we got hidden cameras around this place that I don't even know about.
Dom: So, we got a cake for Margaret's birthday.
Claire: Fun. How you doing, Ben?
Ben: [gulps, chuckles nervously] Me? I'm good. I am good. I am chill. I'm gonna go to the bathroom, so...
Margaret: It's not really my birthday. I just wanted cake. I eat garbage because I am garbage.

Quote from Claire

Claire: You're spying for my dad!
Ben: What? No! Yes. I'm sorry. I don't know why I agreed. I just look up to your dad so much.
Claire: I can't believe he doesn't trust me. Why did he put me in charge, then?
Ben: I don't know, but I can find out. I'll double-agent. I've been working this game since my parents' divorce. I was the only 10-year-old in Great Neck with no bedtime and Diners Club card.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I need help with Luke's promposal, okay? Can you go to the gym, wait for Sarah, and then hand her this?
Cameron: Okay, this is what I've been reduced to?
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: Delivering an [sniffs] unperfumed envelope like a common bellhop? Fine.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Grayson! Hey.
Grayson: Hey, Coach.
Cameron: Hey. Don't suppose you're planning on asking anyone to prom.
Grayson: Um, I don't think we're allowed to go with teachers.
Cameron: That's not what...

Quote from Gloria

Auntie Alice: Fine. I'm Auntie Alice.
Phil: Auntie Thief and Auntie Liar.
Auntie Alice: Yeah, yeah. I'm sure we can work something out. Who's your patent lawyer?
Gloria: I don't have one.
Auntie Alice: I know. I patented your sauce this morning. Have a good trip home, kids.
Gloria: I am so sorry, Phil, that I wasted your whole day, but I am more sorry of what I'm gonna do to your car!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Oh, um Mitchell, we have a problem.
Mitchell: No, we don't. I mean, unless you're busy that night.
Cameron: Are- Are you asking me to prom?
Mitchell: Well, you know, they need chaperones.
Cameron: Mitchell, this is the sweetest thing you've ever done for me. I-I don't know if I've mentioned it, but I never got to go to my own prom.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: It's come up.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Joe did that to you?
Jay: Yeah. Slammed a car hood on it.
Claire: Why?
Jay: I owed him money. It slipped while I was teaching him to check oil.
Claire: Well, that's pretty advanced for a 3-year-old.
Jay: What can I say? I believe in my kids.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Let's quickly go over the plan. My dad's gonna be here any minute. We're doing this in stages. One finger means you text him "We're closing the blinds division."
Ben: Our biggest earner? He's gonna lose it if I tell him we're shuttering blinds.
Claire: Two fingers, we're partnering with Rod Bushmill.
Ben: That sleazebag represents everything your father spent an entire career fighting against.
Claire: Three fingers, we're not going to ClosetCon.
Ben: Wha-- Are you trying to teach your father a lesson or crush his soul?
Claire: Just business, kid.
Ben: Monster.

Quote from Claire

Claire: What am I doing? Jibber-jabbering about work. So, that little grease monkey Joe is 3. Hard to believe.
They grow up so fast. Got to be nice, though, Dad, knowing that your company is in good hands and you can stay home all day long and just play with your kid.
Jay: Have you lost your mind?
Claire: Well, not all day, obviously. 3-year-olds are nothing but bipolar germ buckets.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I mean, look at us. Why can't we both admit that we could use each other's help right now? Are we too proud to even do that?
Claire: I'll admit it if you will.
Jay: Fine. On 3. 1 2 3.
Claire: Will you crack my lobster?
Jay: I want to come back to work.
Claire: What?!
Jay: Damn it!

Quote from Jay

Claire: Well, Dad, what do you think about coming back to work, I don't know, one or two days a week?
Jay: What I was thinking was, I'd have a staff of five. My own building.
Claire: What?
Jay: And I report to no one. [chuckles] I'm kidding. I'll put a desk in the copy room. And, by the way, I've known you for a long time. The last thing you need to worry about is looking weak.


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