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‘Putting Down Roots’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Modern Family: Putting Down Roots

1009. Putting Down Roots

Aired December 5, 2018

When Dede's widow, Jerry, comes to town with her possessions, Claire and Mitchell aren't sure what to make of what their mother left them. Meanwhile, Gloria feels sorry for Jerry and invites him to stay with her and Jay.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Oh, my God, it's Lulu! She was my favorite toy. [chuckles] Mm. [voice breaking] I guess I... I just really miss Nana.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: Also I'm pregnant. Dylan and I haven't told anyone because I'm still trying to get my head around it, but holding Lulu made it so real. I'm gonna have an actual baby. Aah, I'm so stressed! [chuckles] I wish it was the '50s when it was still healthy to drink and smoke when you're pregnant.

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Quote from Cameron

Cameron: And once you plant your mom here, we're never gonna leave.
Mitchell: That's crazy. And I-I-I don't think you want to talk about promises we made back then.
Cameron: What are you suggesting? I've kept every promise I've made.
Mitchell: Really? You promised me a rose a month for the rest of my life, so I guess I dropped dead years ago.
Cameron: I read an article that said it was environmentally ins...
Mitchell: I've never seen you read an article. Also, you said you'd finally watch "E.T.," my all-time favorite movie.
Cameron: Oh, it just seems so stupid. What am I caring about? A wrinkly puppet with a Christmas light at the end of his creepy finger? And really? Me saying I would watch some pandering sap-fest is the same as you saying I would someday be reunited with my family?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I guess w-when I look at things from your point of view, I... I made a promise. When your dad needs you to take over the farm, I'm in.
Cameron: Mitchell, that means so much to me, and you're gonna love it. The fresh air, and there's no traffic. Oh, and with a second lawyer in town, we could reopen the courthouse. H-Have you ever milked a goat? Have you ever had fresh milk right from the spigot? Oh, unbelievable. You do have to be careful of snakes and mice and rats. There's a ton of field mice. They scare me. One ran up my sleeve one time when I was a kid.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Wow. I cannot wait to restore this baby. My high school bully had one. You'd be surprised how fast this thing can go. No problem catching up with a kid on a bike who left school minutes early.
Claire: I don't know if I want another half-finished project rusting away in the garage.
Phil: The only reason I stopped working on robot lawnmower was 'cause he started getting too smart.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What the hell?
Claire: Oh, my God. He brought Mom's old car?
Jay: You know, that thing was perfect for Dede - loud, pulled way to the left, and constantly broke down in public.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] My ex-wife, Dede, died two months ago, and her husband, Jerry, drove down with a bunch of junk she wanted us to have. I always liked Jerry.
Gloria: Then why did you always look at him funny?
Jay: Because I knew what he was in for. Same way I look at the footage of those people boarding the Titanic.

Quote from Jay

Jay: She's mad at me. Her family overstayed their welcome, and I turned off the hot water, took a few bulbs out of the room. You know how it is when you're married.

Quote from Jay

Jerry: Dede and I never had a cross word.
Jay: What? That is not possible.
Jerry: Yep. If things ever got heated, I'd come up behind her, put my hands on her neck...
Jay: I'm with you so far.
Jerry: ...then massage her and tell her she was right.
Jay: But what if she wasn't right?
Jerry: [chuckles] That's ego talking. In Buddhism, we believe it's better to conquer yourself than win a thousand battles.
Jay: That's why Nepal is always crushing it at the Olympics.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Whoo-hoo! Fun, huh? Feel that wind and smell that air.
Claire: Yeah, it's so bumpy.
Phil: Sports suspension. Nothing between me and the road except my knuckle-less gloves.
Claire: Why do you even have those?
Phil: Oh, a quirk of the Dunphys. My fingers get cold, but my knuckles get hot.

Quote from Haley

Haley: I'm gonna fix lunch. Want some?
Alex: You're eating lunch? Is there some new Internet challenge I'm not aware of? And why is your doll in bandages?
Haley: You know me. I always loved playing doctor.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: The truth is, I accidentally ran her over and ripped her arm off, which might have been fine if that was the only baby-mangling issue I had today. I'm not cut out to be a mother. Then again, a real baby is easier than a doll, right? [laughing] Like, a real baby would let you know if it was on fire.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [to the tree] Hey, Dede, it's me, Jay. Just wondering how you're doing.
Mitchell: Dad?
Jay: Uh, it's Saturday here.
Jerry: You're not leaving a voicemail. From the heart.
Jay: Yeah. What I wanted to say is I could've handled a lot of things better in our relationship. Mm. I guess I wasn't a very good partner. I dug in a lot. I never thought of things from your point of view. I guess I always needed to get my own way. Anyway, you were a good woman, and we had some fun times, especially in the sack. Never had a problem there.
Jerry: Careful. That's my wife you're talking to.
Jay: Oh, sorry, Jerr, yeah. Okay. I hope you grow up into a nice, big tree, a-and I hope you don't get any of those beetles that are killing everything. And when you settle in in a little while, maybe I'll bring Joe over and he can climb you. Amen.

Quote from Jay

Jerry: Jay, this is for you.
Jay: Oh, God. Is that her?
Jerry: No, no, no. Apparently this is a jar of sand from your honeymoon in Miami Beach.
Jay: Oh, yeah. We stayed at the Fontainebleau. Guess who we took an elevator with? Jackie Gleason. I told him we were the honeymooners, and, as a joke, he threatened to punch Dede to the moon. [laughs]
Claire: Why is that funny?
Jay: Well, that's my point. It wasn't right.

Quote from Mitchell

Jerry: Claire, your mom wanted you to have her old sports car.
Claire: Oh, great.
Jerry: And Mitchell, you get to keep her jewelry.
Mitchell: Oh, so Claire gets a car, and I get a, uh, box of turquoise.
Claire: Want to trade?
Mitchell: No. No, it's fine. I have a preteen girl at home, and she likes to play dress-up. And, you know, Lily might like it, too.

Quote from Claire

Jerry: Mitchell and Claire, Dede wanted you two to decide who gets to keep her. Sorry, Jay. She left you out of this one.
Jay: No worries, Jerr. I'm good with the sand.
Claire: Hang on. Uh, what do you mean, "gets to keep her"?
Jerry: That's Dede. We had her ashes organically fused with the root ball.
Mitchell: That is so Mom.
Claire: I know. Setting up one last thing for us to fight over, because neither of us want that tree.
Mitchell: Because both of us want the tree. What?
Claire: That was easy.

Quote from Luke

Alex: Look. Nana left us her old toy box from her house.
Haley: Aww, bless her hoarding heart.
Luke: Remember how I used to hide in here and pop out like a scary monster? I had so much promise back then.

Quote from Alex

Luke: Oh. Lookie here, Alex. The source of your greatest shame: the puzzle that I solved but you never did.
Alex: [chuckles] Who cares? We were just dumb kids.
Haley: Uh, no. We were dumb kids, and you were the genius. That must eat away at you.
Alex: [scoffs] Please. I'm top of my class at a prestigious university, and I co-invented a technology that has applications to astrophysics and medicine. And give me that damn puzzle!

Quote from Claire

Phil: Come on, honey. Let's keep it.
Claire: It reminds me of how crazy my mom could be. I mean, what mother has a car like this?
Phil: How's this? We take it for one drive. If you're not smiling by the time we come back, we get rid of it.
Claire: One drive?
Phil: One drive.
Claire: One drive.
Phil: One drive.
Claire: Ugh, she used to double-buckle me and Mitchell into the front seat. Between that and the homemade electric blankets, it's a wonder we're still alive.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What's with the plumber? Did Joe flush his Aquaman down the toilet again?
Gloria: No. When my cousins left, they said that the hot water in the guest bedroom was not working. The plumber just said that there's nothing wrong. Someone turned it off.
Jay: Probably Joe. So, what are we thinking? No play dates for a week?
Gloria: I know it was you. You wanted them gone, and you froze them out.
Jay: I'm admitting nothing, but you said one cousin would be here for one day, and there were three here for a week.
Gloria: I never said that.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Why is Jerry still here?
Gloria: I know. Something must be wrong. He's sitting in the car like a sad little man. We have to go and invite him in.
Jay: No, no, no, no. He'll move off eventually. Glor... Street sweeping is Thursday.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jerry, is everything okay?
Jay: Yeah, does your truck need a push?
Jerry: It's the darnedest thing. I can't seem to drive away. Dropping off Dede's stuff was the last check on the ol' list. Heck if I'm not feeling pretty lost.
Jay: Yeah, I get it. Listen, you just drive down this street, turn right, and you'll hit the freeway.
Gloria: Jerry, just come inside.
Jerry: No, I couldn't.
Jay: Yeah, got to love a man with pride. That's the thing that'll serve you well on the freeway.

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