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35Quotes from ‘Integrity’

Modern Family: Integrity

621. Integrity

Aired April 29, 2015

When Phil and Jay pick up Lily's old princess castle to hand down to Joe, they're both upset at decisions their wives have seemingly made. As Mitchell and Cameron babysit Joe, they start to think again about expanding their family. Meanwhile, Gloria urges Haley to stand up to her boss, and Claire wants to cheer Luke up by getting him an award at school.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] I wanted to kill him. But I bite my tongue, because in this family they think that I am a Colombian hothead which is crazy, because a Colombian hot head is when you set somebody's head on fire. It smells terrible, but it sends a message.

Quote from Gloria

Gavin Saint Clair: What do you want? Oh.
Gloria: I just want you to listen to my voice and look into my eyes and ask yourself "Did this woman made it all the way here from Colombia without knowing some very bad men who would love to do her a favor?"

Quote from Manny

Manny: That cinnamon stick is from Sri Lanka!
Luke: Get off me! You smell like a candle.
Manny: It's lavender bath beads, you son of a bitch!
Alex: And the award for the saddest brawl goes to...

Quote from Manny

Manny: Sarah Fink, my lab partner who I hoped one day would be my love partner. I caught one of my so-called friends hitting on her and now she's like the fetal pig we once so happily shared cold, unresponsive, heartless.
Jay: You got two choices: you can mope your way up those stairs and soak in a pity bath or you can pick yourself up, march into that school and act like you don't even know that girl.
Manny: [sighs] Thanks. If Mom asks, I borrowed her tub pillow.

Quote from Jay

Manny: I picked a fine time to run out of lavender bath beads.
Jay: [to Joe] I wanted two rough-and-tumble boys. I got a Manny and a pedi.

Quote from Phil

Phil: She's my first girlfriend, really. This time tomorrow, she'll be in our living room if we can fit her through the doorway.
Claire: Okay, I feel like I have to ask.
Luke: Dad's about to buy a Miss Pac-Man.
Phil: "Ms." What was our struggle for?

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] I always worried that Alex winning all those awards would bother Luke, and looks like it finally did. Can't be easy growing up in the shadow of a superstar sister. Look at Mitchell. Bam.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] My first day off in a month, I'm headed out the door to go shopping with Gloria and my stupid boss needs me to pick up some stupid orchid. Like my time's not valuable? Gloria was gonna help me pick out a toe ring.

Quote from Gloria

[Horn honks as Haley stands in a parking spot]
Haley: Go somewhere else.
Gloria: It's me, Gloria.
Haley: What are you doing? I told you to go shopping without me.
Gloria: I couldn't enjoy knowing you're standing there like a little orange cone.

Quote from Gloria

Haley: Oh, my God. What have you done?
Gloria: He messes with something I love, I mess with something he loves.
Haley: The second it goes missing he's going to check security cameras, and I'm going to get fired.
Gloria: So what? He's the worst person I have ever met and there was a man in my village named Flavio the Baby Puncher.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: He is so adorable.
Mitchell: I know, isn't he? Remember when Lily was like this?
Lily: What do you say when I'm not here?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Oh, what the hell?
Gloria: Isn't it cute? Last night when I went to do my nails the girls did it just for fun.
Jay: What's fun about a lifetime of gender confusion?
Gloria: It's the same as when you took him to the Dodgers game and brought him back with that Dodgers cap.
Jay: You think? Or is it different in every conceivable respect?

Quote from Claire

Claire: What's going on with you?
Luke: I have a throbbing headache. It's making it hard to-
Claire: Pretend that you're sick? Yeah, you just ate a bushel of cereal.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Check the structural integrity of the trophy case, bitches 'cause Mama's bringing home some hardware!
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Awards day at school the one day of the year Alex has some real swagger. Ironically, the one thing she's not good at.
[back:]
Alex: When I say "trophy," you say "trophy"! Trophy! Trophy! Can I get a wha-what?
Claire: What?
Alex: Bam! [glasses clatter] Bam! Bam!

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Okay, do you have any queens?
Lily: Yeah, two big ones.
Cameron: Okay, you know what? It was funny the first time. Now it's just getting mean.

Quote from Cameron

[Mitchell and Cameron, aside to camera:]
Cameron: Mitchell and I have always discussed trying to buy the place in the event something happened to Stan. We could use the extra space for a guest room or an office or maybe even-
[just Cameron:]
Cameron: A nursery. I think I may want another child. But I don't want to bring it up to Mitchell and put pressure on him because he's been so adamant about not wanting one. The last thing he's thinking about is a-
[just Mitchell:]
Mitchell: Nursery. Lately, I've been having stirrings but because it was such an emotional roller coaster in the past I don't want to bring it up unless I have some sort of indication
[Cameron:]
Cameron: That we're both on the same page. That's why when Gloria asked if we'd watch Joe, I said, "Sure." It'd be a chance to remind Mitchell how nice it is to have a baby.

Quote from Claire

Principal Brown: You know, I love your family.
Claire: Aw.
Principal Brown: I mean, Haley, our homecoming queen. And now Alex winning just about every academic award.
Claire: I know.
Principal Brown: It's been an honor to teach the Dunphy children.
Claire: Well, today I'm here to talk about Luke.
Principal Brown: Is that the science rabbit?

Quote from Claire

Claire: That's sort of the point. I think he's feeling a little bit overlooked. I was wondering if you could just, you know toss him one of those awards today. Just [clicks tongue].
Principal Brown: Well, I'm afraid all of the award winners have already been decided. Yeah. But, hey, if it makes him feel better he was in the running for the integrity award. He just got edged out by-
Claire: Scott Wheeler? That little weasel's a narc. Halloween carnival, 2008, [mockingly] "Mrs. Dunphy's grape juice smells like medicine." It was a long morning.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Maybe there's some sort of, um I don't know, like, a a donation or something I could give to the auto shop to help 'em grease the wheels.
Principal Brown: We're good on grease.
Claire: But you can never have too much brake fluid. Or perhaps the soccer team could use some new cleats help them get their kick back.
Principal Brown: Kick back? Okay, Mrs. Dunphy, I'm really doing everything I can to ignore the fact that you're trying to bribe me for the Marlon Boniface Integrity Award.
Claire: Oh! I'm so glad you can remember that name but you can't remember Luke.

Quote from Haley

Gavin Saint Clair: Oh, I don't care if you are here illegally you're gorgeous.
Gloria: Listen, mister, for your information, I am-
Haley: Flower. He's talking about the flower.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [to Phil] There's water underneath the seat there if you want it. Those guys at the loading dock really gave me the business when they found out I was hauling a princess castle. [laughs]
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Something was bugging him. He needed to talk. It's like I don't want to be happy.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You have to sometimes. That's the way marriages work. All this "happy wife, happy life" sort of stuff.
Phil: Tell you what would make me happy. This bad boy right here. It's still in my shopping cart 'cause I just can't say good-bye.
Jay: Who doesn't want a happy life? But soon you're saying "Yes, dear" and "Whatever you need, dear" without even thinking about it.
Phil: Antiglare plexi, reinforced podium.
Jay: If you don't stand up every once in a while, you lose all your power.
Phil: It's even got a wrist pad for your knob hand.
Jay: Before you know it, you're picking up a pink princess castle for your pedicured two-year-old saying good-bye to your last chance to have one red-blooded man in the family. And you're getting that damn game, Phil!

Quote from Phil

Phil: What in the name of Pac-Man creator Toru lwatani have you done?
Jay: You deserve it. You work hard. You provide for your family. No regrets.
Phil: You know what? I don't regret it.
Jay: Course you don't.
Phil: I'm the owner of a Ms. Pac-Man! [laughs]

Quote from Phil

Jay: Okay, dummy. We get this thing in the backyard, we nail it together and Gloria will never find out.
Phil: Don't do this, Jay. As your best friend, I implore you. If we rebuild this castle, we tear down everything we built today.
Jay: What? And what?
Phil: We stood up for ourselves. There's no turning back. We're going to tell Claire and Gloria what we did.
Jay: I'm scared, Phil, okay?
Phil: They count on that fear. They feed off it. No more.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Someone's looking sexy and sweaty.
Phil: That's right. And this sexy, sweaty someone is now the proud owner of a vintage Ms. Pac-Man game.
Claire: Oh, it came? They promised they weren't gonna deliver it until tomorrow. I wanted to be there to see your face. It was killing me this morning when you said you wanted to get your own. Do ya love it?
Phil: I love- I love you.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: What happened to the castle?
Jay: Little snafu. About this princess castle-
Claire: What's that?
Gloria: Black paint and a skull flag so we can turn this princess thing into a pirate castle.
Jay: Pirate castle?
Gloria: Ay, yes. He's a boy. We have talked about this. Why do men never listen? It's always, "Sure, honey. Sure, honey."
Claire: I don't know. Marriage is hard.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Lily, did you spill purple paint on the floor?
Lily: Yeah, I'm the problem today.

Quote from Mitchell

Joe: Ball!
Mitchell: Oh, no, that's not a ball.
Cameron: No, no, no. That's a criminally expensive Santangelo bowl.
Mitchell: I'm gonna sneak around behind him, and you're just gonna keep him talking.
Cameron: Joe, you don't want to do this. You know, as of right now, you haven't done anything wrong. You just hand that over to me, and it's like nothing ever happened, see?
Mitchell: Okay, he's not Baby Face Nelson. He's an actual baby.
Cameron: You want to help out? Slide something underneath it, like the throw pillow.
Joe: Throw!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Ah! You forget what a handful kids are when they're little, huh?
Cameron: I didn't realize how easy we have it now that Lily's so independent.
Mitchell: Plus we're not as young as we were when she was like this.
Cameron: Mitchell, are we almost discussing what I think we're almost discussing?
Mitchell: Maybe we shouldn't rush into having another kid?
Cameron: It's a big decision, and I love the way our lives are now.
Mitchell: Oh, God, me too! Oh. Th-Th-This doesn't make us selfish people, does it?
Cameron: Of course not.
Lily: Baby Joe's stuck in the well.
Mitchell: Leave him.
Cameron: He's fine.

Quote from Gloria

Haley: What are you doing here?
Gloria: I can't believe I have to beg you to go shopping. I had to make sure that you're putting that thing in the right place since this stupid, horrible job is so important to you. Ay, Haley, I have to say today I lost a little bit of respect for you.
Haley: Good-bye, Gloria.
Gloria: You need to learn how to stand up for yourself.
Haley: Do you know how easy that is for you to say?
Gloria: No, no. Nothing in English is easy for me to say.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Unlike you, I don't have a rich husband. What I do have is a reputation for being a screw-up who never follows through on anything. Which is why, in case you haven't noticed I'm in my third year of a two-year college program and still living in my parents' basement. I know that this job sucks, but it might actually lead to something. Do you know who had this job five years ago? Gavin. And he worked for an even bigger jackass than he is.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Call me the periodic table 'cause I got all the medals. Yeah!

Quote from Claire

Luke: The Bonerface! You win that award, everyone calls you "Bonerface."
Alex: It's the super-nerd award.
Luke: My underwear got pulled over my head by a girl. It always goes to Scott Wheeler but someone pushed his car into a handicapped spot so I'd get the award. And I think I know exactly who did it.
Claire: Well-
Luke: Manny! You framed Scott Wheeler so I'd win the Bonerface.
Claire: It adds up.
Manny: First, lower your voice. We're not stevedores. Second, you're wrong. Third, it serves you right after you hit on Sarah Fink.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Awning is done.
Jay: Supposed to be a drawbridge. Weren't the chains a clue?
Phil: Lot of criticism from a guy who just sawed half his shoe off.

Quote from Alex

Alex: No one wins anything without help from family and friends who steer you away from bad ideas and toward good ones. Because every time anyone accomplishes anything, he or she achieves it with the help of a thousand silent heroes. The selfless team players who offer their support, not to be recognized but because it's the right thing to do. Awards aren't usually given out for being a good person but today they are. Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the Marlon Boniface Integrity Award is... [laughs] This is awesome Luke Dunphy.
Luke: [o.s.] No!


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