Gavin Saint Clair: What do you want? Oh.
Gloria: I just want you to listen to my voice and look into my eyes and ask yourself "Did this woman made it all the way here from Colombia without knowing some very bad men who would love to do her a favor?"

Gloria: [aside to camera] I wanted to kill him. But I bite my tongue, because in this family they think that I am a Colombian hothead which is crazy, because a Colombian hot head is when you set somebody's head on fire. It smells terrible, but it sends a message.

Manny: That cinnamon stick is from Sri Lanka!
Luke: Get off me! You smell like a candle.
Manny: It's lavender bath beads, you son of a bitch!
Alex: And the award for the saddest brawl goes to...

Manny: Sarah Fink, my lab partner who I hoped one day would be my love partner. I caught one of my so-called friends hitting on her and now she's like the fetal pig we once so happily shared cold, unresponsive, heartless.
Jay: You got two choices: you can mope your way up those stairs and soak in a pity bath or you can pick yourself up, march into that school and act like you don't even know that girl.
Manny: [sighs] Thanks. If Mom asks, I borrowed her tub pillow.

Manny: I picked a fine time to run out of lavender bath beads.
Jay: [to Joe] I wanted two rough-and-tumble boys. I got a Manny and a pedi.

Phil: She's my first girlfriend, really. This time tomorrow, she'll be in our living room if we can fit her through the doorway.
Claire: Okay, I feel like I have to ask.
Luke: Dad's about to buy a Miss Pac-Man.
Phil: "Ms." What was our struggle for?

Claire: [aside to camera] I always worried that Alex winning all those awards would bother Luke, and looks like it finally did. Can't be easy growing up in the shadow of a superstar sister. Look at Mitchell. Bam.

Haley: [aside to camera] My first day off in a month, I'm headed out the door to go shopping with Gloria and my stupid boss needs me to pick up some stupid orchid. Like my time's not valuable? Gloria was gonna help me pick out a toe ring.

[Horn honks as Haley stands in a parking spot]
Haley: Go somewhere else.
Gloria: It's me, Gloria.
Haley: What are you doing? I told you to go shopping without me.
Gloria: I couldn't enjoy knowing you're standing there like a little orange cone.

Haley: Oh, my God. What have you done?
Gloria: He messes with something I love, I mess with something he loves.
Haley: The second it goes missing he's going to check security cameras, and I'm going to get fired.
Gloria: So what? He's the worst person I have ever met and there was a man in my village named Flavio the Baby Puncher.