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48Quotes from ‘Las Vegas’

Modern Family: Las Vegas

518. Las Vegas

Aired March 26, 2014

When the adults travel to Vegas for a premium hotel stay, courtesy of Jay's friend, everyone gets distracted doing their own thing. Jay learns there's an even more exclusive hotel package and is determined to gain access. As Phil attends a meeting of a secret underground magic society, Claire tries to win back money she lost in Vegas years ago. Cameron and Mitchell both insist they're not interested in their friend's bachelor party shenanigans. Meanwhile, Gloria attempts to stop Jay from seeing the female version of dog butler Barkley.

Quote from Jay

Ducky: There we go.
Jay: You've got the touch, kid.
Ducky: I was blessed with my mother's small hands, sir. Shall I order your complimentary, in-room, hot-stone massage?
Jay: Complimentary?
Ducky: All part of the Excelsior Plus experience, sir. Might be nice after a dip in your private lap pool. Oh, where has this been all my life? You know, I saw a harpist in the elevator. Can we get that for our brunch tomorrow?
Ducky: If it was up to me, yes, but unfortunately, that is reserved for our Excelsior Ultra guests only.
[cut to Jay outside The Mandalay Bay:]
Jay: 62, 63, 64. Son of a bitch!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: It's just not who we are anymore. Listen to this: "Bananas and Cabanas pool party." Oh, Cam.
Gloria: "Most creative Speedo wins tickets to The Kilty Pleasures."
Mitchell: Oh. Please.
Gloria: What is The Kilty Pleasures?
Cameron: This.
Mitchell: We will be maintaining our dignity in the spa, thank you.
Cameron: I mean, come on, have you ever seen a Scottish person this tan? I'm embarrassed even looking at it.
Claire: Then stop.

Quote from Claire

[aside to camera:]
Phil: She was icing me, but I deserved it. For the first time in my whole life, I was neglecting her. I'd been invited to audition for a secret magic society in Las Vegas, but in all my rehearsals, I'd paid no attention to Claire. I even left her alone in a movie theater once.
[separately to camera:]
Claire: I let Phil think I was still mad at him because I needed a little time to myself. Years ago, Phil and I put aside money for a trip on our 25th anniversary, but I lost that money on a girls' weekend in Vegas. Since then, I've been on a secret mission to win that money back, and if things go well this weekend, I am even. Vegas, you have a gambling problem, and her name is Claire.

Quote from Phil

Higgins: Knockity-knock-knock. Mr. Dunphy, I presume?
Phil: Yes. Who-
Higgins: Hi. I'm Leslie Higgins, it's a boy's name where I'm from. I'm your Butler.
Phil: Oh. Butler. Cool.
Higgins: Yes. As an Excelsior guest, uh, I'm at your beck and call 24/7. Anything you need, big or small, I can- [finds Phil's handcuffs] Oh. Can I just segue, sir, to the importance of discretion in my job? I'll just pop those-
Phil: Oh, no, no, no. Never mind those.
Higgins: As you wish.
Phil: They're for an appointment I have later. The less you know about that, the better.
Higgins: A myriad of apologies, sir.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Oh, hang on. Actually, do you know where I can get a cape laundered?
Higgins: Opera or superhero?
Phil: I'd rather not say.
Higgins: I overstepped the mark by asking. Uh, could I just, uh, quickly point out our luxury bath service, sir? We have five outrageously decadent baths that I can prepare for you at a moment's notice. Uh, I should just point out, though, that our pharaoh's fantasy does take a dash longer, normally, because our nubian lives off-site. Um, if there's nothing else, I'll just help you with your case.
Phil: Uh, no, uh- [a whip falls outs] I'll get that.
Higgins: Yeah.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] The heroes of the underground-magic blogosphere: "Flashpaper" Finelli, Kaiser Mayhem, The Kid. When you think about it, it's crazy they're all alive at the same time.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] Many years ago, when Jay was in Las Vegas, he bought Barkley, the doggy butler. I hate Barkley. I knew if Jay saw Rebarka, he would want her too. Yeah, that's her name, Rebarka.

Quote from Jay

Security Guard: Sorry, sir. This is a private elevator.
Jay: No need to apologize. I'm glad you're on top of this stuff.
Security Guard: That's only for the Excelsior level. This elevator goes to the top floor.
Jay: I thought Excelsior was the top, 62.
Security Guard: Mandalay Bay has 63 floors. Top floor is Excelsior Plus.
Jay: Wait, they're allowed up there? They're wearing dungarees.
[cut to Jay outside the Mandalay Bay:]
Jay: 61, 62, 63. Son of a bitch!

Quote from Claire

Claire: How about a Blackjack table?
Mitchell: Oh, no, I'm really worn out from my massage, the sauna It was just- It was a lot of detoxing.
Claire: You know what you need? Some toxing.
Mitchell: No.
Claire: Hand of Blackjack, couple of tequilas. Come on, it'll be fun. Do it.
Mitchell: You sound just like the kid who bullied me into smoking my first cigarette.
Claire: Maybe this time you won't tell on me.

Quote from Mitchell

Langham: Hey, big spender. What are you doing?
Mitchell: Gambling. I'm a gambler now.
Langham: Look at you, letting loose.
Mitchell: Yeah. Yeah, I guess I figure whatever mischief one might get into in Vegas kind of remains here within the limits of the city, you know?

Quote from Phil

Higgins: Ah, Mr. Dunphy! How are we this evening? [notices Phil's wearing the handcuffs]
Phil: Not so good. I'm in a tight spot with my lady. You know what might help? One of those- One of those luxury baths.
Higgins: Ah, get yourself out of some hot water by getting her into some.
Phil: Wow, so good.
Higgins: Might I suggest the Michael Buble bath?
Phil: You are a mind reader.
Higgins: I'm not a mind reader, sir. I've just been in the bath-buttling business since the early '90s, despite my fresh face, so I tend to know what these situations need.
Phil: I'll get the water going.
Higgins: As you wish. Same price either way.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Oh, good. You're back. How's Claire seem?
Higgins: I'm sorry?
Phil: You must have seen her out there. Is she mad? W-what's she doing?
Higgins: Uh, she's dusting, sir.
Phil: Oh, she always cleans when she's mad. Do me a favor. Bring her a drink and tell her to get comfortable on the couch.
Higgins: She's- She's allowed on the furniture, is she? [chuckles]
Phil: She's my wife.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Come on, I have a surprise for you. Oh Yeah, I-I've been thinking we need to stop being so uptight. We are in Vegas. Let's have a little fun.
Cameron: Well, I'll have to wrap my head around that, but okay.
Mitchell: Now, I have just the way to kick it off. Something we could do together. It's a little extreme, but I think it might be just what we need.
Cameron: Okay.
Mitchell: Go on in.
[Cameron walks into the bathroom where Langham is in the tub enjoying the "techno bath" experience]
Cameron: Are you crazy?
Mitchell: Oh, come on, Cam, we deserve this. All right, you get started, and then I'll jump in when it starts to heat up.
Cameron: Mitchell!
Mitchell: Come on. Then I will throw you into it, tiger. Rub a dub dub. Dear, no.
Cameron: Langham.
Langham: Both of you? Huh. Well, okay.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: You want to tell me how you "accidentally" gave someone your key?
Mitchell: You want to tell me why you spent all day sipping Tequila out of some guy's navel?
Cameron: You saw that?
Mitchell: I guessed.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Hi, guys. What's going on?
Mitchell: Hey, Claire. Can you please just come back?
Cameron: We're in the middle of an argument.
Claire: Oh. Bet I know why.
Langham: Are you guys getting in the bath?
Claire: Or I'm way off.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Gloria, hurry up, will you? He's on his way up. I need to shave. [to Langham] Oh, you're here. Jay Pritchett. Thanks for stopping by. Nice robe. Like Hef, back in the day. I'm gonna cut to the chase. I like your lifestyle. I want a taste of it.
Langham: Well, s-sure, that's flattering, but-
Gloria: Okay, the bathroom is all you-
Jay: Gloria, it's Burt Tanner!
Gloria: That's not Burt Tanner, that's Long-ham.

Quote from Phil

Phil: If you will, raise it above my head and pinch it at my wrists. Go ahead and make it good and tight. Don't be easy on me. Okay. Now As the lowly caterpillar becomes the majestic butterfly, as the tiny acorn becomes the mighty oak, so, too, do we complete our metamorphosis.
Ducky: So, it's The Governor's Bluff.
Phil: Well, it's a huge twist on The Governor's Bluff.
Ducky: Eh.
Phil: No, no, no, no, no! There were other elements. You just kind of threw me off. I forgot- I was gonna- As a flourish I was gonna use one-
[A small smoke bomb goes off. Gloria then emerges from the bathroom wearing Rebarka's maid outfit]
Gloria: Hola.
Ducky: That's amazing. You lull me with this- With this hacky quick change, and the whole time, you're changing the fake dog into a hot maid? It's brilliant! It's magic!
Phil: No, that's metamorphosis!

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Like you, Burt, I enjoy the finer things. [knock on door] As a matter of fact, that's probably the Cuban I ordered for you.
Gloria: Hola.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Here you go, here you go.
Phil: That was quick.
Jay: You skip the line when you're on the Excelsior level.
Phil: Oh. Oh.
Jay: Three rooms adjoining, top floor.
Phil: Oh.
Gloria: Silver, pretty.
Jay: Platinum, so don't wave that around everywhere. People'll get jealous. Maybe wave it around a little.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] My friend Burt Tanner runs the hotel. He comped us a few rooms because we sold him some closets for his high-roller suites. Zebrawood, heated sock drawer, the works. Hey, luxury bathroom, it's me, lowly closet. Watch your back.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: What are you boys doing here?
Tim: Bachelor-party weekend. We're getting married in June.
Mitchell: What?
Langham: Oh, we really wanted to invite you, but Tim's family is huge-
Mitchell: Relax. We're getting married in May and you're not coming, so...
Langham: Mitchell. Oh, look at us moving on. It's almost like you never dumped me in an e-mail the morning after I told you that I loved you.
Mitchell: Well, y- In my defense, e-mail- It was new back then and it was still a blurry line as to what was appropriate and...

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, my gosh, an actual gay agenda.

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: They're very judgy about bachelor parties. I offered to throw them one, and I got a whole lecture.
Mitchell: We're 40. We have a child. We've been together for 10 years.
Claire: That's the one.
Mitchell: It's just not who we are anymore.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Whoa, that warmer drawer really works. It's like my mom's hugging my feet again.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I love cucumber water.
Mitchell: I know.
Cameron: If I were president-
Mitchell: I know, I know. Cucumbers in the reservoirs.
Cameron: Giant cucumbers.

Quote from Cameron

Langham: We had a few no-shows for the Britney concert, so-
Cameron: One, please.
Langham: Uh, what about Mitchell?
Cameron: It's Vegas. He doesn't need to know what I'm doing. I don't need to know what he's doing. So if you see him, maybe don't mention what I'm doing.
Langham: Oh. Understood.
Cameron: So, do you have anything on the aisle?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Rasputin's dalmatian drowned in the Volga.
Ducky: I thought he was allergic to dogs.
Phil: You're thinking of Merlin. And it was peanuts.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm so honored to be here. Wow. You may recognize my- my screen name, abracadunphy17.
Female magician: That's you? You're up in the middle of the night a lot.
Phil: My wife grinds her teeth.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: You know, if we're going to gamble, maybe I need my lucky sweater. Can you go and get it in the room?
Jay: Who has a lucky sweater?
Gloria: You wore two different shoes to watch the super bowl.
Jay: Fine.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: And how was your massage?
Cameron: [loudly] So re-- [quieter] So [quieter still] So relaxing. Sorry, my masseuse was blasting the Enya.

Quote from Phil

Phil: The miracle of metamorphosis. They say the only constant is change. Well, all of that is about to ch-- Be different. Note the simple burlap sack, the kind you'd find in any home. If you'd be so kind as to assist me, The- The- The Kid, I'll endeavor to prove that some change is glacial, while some change is instantaneous. Now, if you'd be so kind as to raise the simple burlap sack above my head and pinch my wrists. You'll note, the clock says exactly 4:02.
Female magician: I have 3:15.
Ducky: Yeah, I have 6:35. Kaiser Mayhem!
Kaiser Mayhem: It's what I do.
Phil: Wait, it's 5:20? I actually have to call my wife.
Ducky: Uh, no, Phil, you can't just stop in the middle of a trick. That's a cardinal rule.
Phil: Guys, it's an emergency. Don't tell me you've never had to call your spouse. [silence] Oh. There's people for you.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Yes! Yes! I did it! I did it! I did it! I won back my money. Oh, suck it, the house.
Gloria: Claire, the key.
Claire: Yeah, okay, here you go. And, hey, buy yourself something sparkly. [slaps Gloria's buttock]

Quote from Jay

Jay: Gloria, there's a floor above us.
Gloria: What?!
Jay: I know. It threw me, too. Excelsior Plus. But to the people on that floor, we're Excelsior Minus.
Gloria: Mm, what is up there?
Jay: You need a black card to get in. All we've got is this stupid silver one.
Gloria: Oh, I thought it was platinum.
Jay: It's crap.
Gloria: Uh, why- Why don't you call your friend Burt and tell him that we need the black card?
Jay: Because he's not my friend. I never really even met him. I think I heard him cough one time on a conference call. I don't know why he would treat me this way.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Excuse me, how much is that doggy in the window?

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] I had finally taken back from Vegas what Vegas took from me. That's a feeling of satisfaction I can't describe. Because it didn't last very long.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] The minute I got rid of her, I couldn't lose. Oh, gambling's fun. And easy.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Yeah. You know, I'm really glad that you came over here.
Langham: Really? Why is that?
Mitchell: Well, I always hated the way that things ended between us, you know? Maybe now we can go out on a better note.
Langham: That's nice.
Mitchell: Yeah. 623. Oh! Oh, my God! that's my room number.
Langham: Huh.
Mitchell: Um, hit me. Seven. Seven! That's 21, huh? Yes! Yeah! Ah!
Langham: Whoa, check you out.
Mitchell: I guess tonight's my night to get lucky.
Langham: I would say.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, you $120, $140, Higgins, for nothing- Nothing! I want to do something crazy. Okay, I'm gonna order a bath.
Higgins: Sir, it seems to me like you've gone mad.
Mitchell: Okay, this is what I want. I want something romantic, but also a little dangerous.
Higgins: Romantic, dangerous. Might I suggest, sir, the techno bath? Your heart will throb with the bass while your eyes take in an off-the-scale laser light show from that most intimate of V.I.P. arenas, your own tub.
Mitchell: Okay. I want that. That's what I want.
Higgins: Me thinks the Little Red Riding Hood may be a big, bad wolf.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: I have a great idea! Cigars! A man like Burt appreciates a good cigar.
Jay: Good thinking! Of course, upstairs, the butler would be here already. I'm telling you, we might as well be sleeping in the basement.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Higgins, you got a minute?
Higgins: 60 an hour. They all belong to you, sir.
Jay: I need a couple of primo cigars, A.S.A.P. I'm not a stickler for how they got in the country. I'm also expecting a special scotch delivery. I need a shave. Burt can't see me like this.
Higgins: Unfortunately, the shaving butlers are all-
Jay: I know, Excelsior Plus.

Quote from Mitchell

Higgins: Are you decent?
Mitchell: I am.
Higgins: Well, not for long.
Mitchell: My partner should be here any minute.
Higgins: Is it me, sir, or is the air positively fizzing with erotic anticipation?
Mitchell: Yeah.
Higgins: Oh, I forgot the ice.
Mitchell: Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get it.
Higgins: Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that.
Mitchell: No, not a problem.
Higgins: As you wish. Same price either way.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, good! I've been looking for you.
Cameron: Well, you should have been looking for somebody who was looking for you, because that's what I was doing.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: What are you doing here?
Langham: You gave me your room key.
Cameron: What?!
Langham: Don't act so shocked. You told me at the bachelor party you two lead separate lives.
Mitchell: You went to the bachelor party?
Cameron: Yes, and I was starting to feel bad about sneaking around, but I guess I shouldn't have, now that I see what you're up to.
Mitchell: I'm not up to anything! I left my key by mistake.
Langham: We're all obviously tense. Let's take a deep breath, get in the tub-
Mitchell: That's not happening.

Quote from Mitchell

Tim: [knocking] Langham!
Langham: It's Tim. He can't know I'm here. He has insane trust issues.
Mitchell: Insane?

Quote from Phil

Phil: What's that thing doing here?
Higgins: Just enjoying a dirty Martini before a cleansing romp in the bath.
Phil: That's not who the bath is for.
[Langham enters]
Higgins: Oh, my mistake. Welcome Claire. You're certainly gonna be clean by the end of the night, aren't you?

Quote from Phil

Ducky: Phil, there you are.
Phil: Ducky! How'd you know where I was?
Ducky: Magicians run this town.
Phil: Really?
Ducky: No. I'm a shaving butler up on Plus.

Quote from Jay

Higgins: The scotch delivery you had me on the lookout for, sir.
[Bagpipe music plays as The Kilty Pleasures dance in]
Burt Tanner: I like your style, Pritchett. You're in.
Jay: Vegas.

Quote from Phil

Higgins: This reminds me of my late grandfather.
Phil: He was Scottish?
Higgins: He was a stripper.


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