Ducky: There we go.
Jay: You've got the touch, kid.
Ducky: I was blessed with my mother's small hands, sir. Shall I order your complimentary, in-room, hot-stone massage?
Jay: Complimentary?
Ducky: All part of the Excelsior Plus experience, sir. Might be nice after a dip in your private lap pool. Oh, where has this been all my life? You know, I saw a harpist in the elevator. Can we get that for our brunch tomorrow?
Ducky: If it was up to me, yes, but unfortunately, that is reserved for our Excelsior Ultra guests only.
[cut to Jay outside The Mandalay Bay:]
Jay: 62, 63, 64. Son of a bitch!

Mitchell: It's just not who we are anymore. Listen to this: "Bananas and Cabanas pool party." Oh, Cam.
Gloria: "Most creative Speedo wins tickets to The Kilty Pleasures."
Mitchell: Oh. Please.
Gloria: What is The Kilty Pleasures?
Cameron: This.
Mitchell: We will be maintaining our dignity in the spa, thank you.
Cameron: I mean, come on, have you ever seen a Scottish person this tan? I'm embarrassed even looking at it.
Claire: Then stop.

[aside to camera:]
Phil: She was icing me, but I deserved it. For the first time in my whole life, I was neglecting her. I'd been invited to audition for a secret magic society in Las Vegas, but in all my rehearsals, I'd paid no attention to Claire. I even left her alone in a movie theater once.
[separately to camera:]
Claire: I let Phil think I was still mad at him because I needed a little time to myself. Years ago, Phil and I put aside money for a trip on our 25th anniversary, but I lost that money on a girls' weekend in Vegas. Since then, I've been on a secret mission to win that money back, and if things go well this weekend, I am even. Vegas, you have a gambling problem, and her name is Claire.

Higgins: Knockity-knock-knock. Mr. Dunphy, I presume?
Phil: Yes. Who-
Higgins: Hi. I'm Leslie Higgins, it's a boy's name where I'm from. I'm your Butler.
Phil: Oh. Butler. Cool.
Higgins: Yes. As an Excelsior guest, uh, I'm at your beck and call 24/7. Anything you need, big or small, I can- [finds Phil's handcuffs] Oh. Can I just segue, sir, to the importance of discretion in my job? I'll just pop those-
Phil: Oh, no, no, no. Never mind those.
Higgins: As you wish.
Phil: They're for an appointment I have later. The less you know about that, the better.
Higgins: A myriad of apologies, sir.

Phil: Oh, hang on. Actually, do you know where I can get a cape laundered?
Higgins: Opera or superhero?
Phil: I'd rather not say.
Higgins: I overstepped the mark by asking. Uh, could I just, uh, quickly point out our luxury bath service, sir? We have five outrageously decadent baths that I can prepare for you at a moment's notice. Uh, I should just point out, though, that our pharaoh's fantasy does take a dash longer, normally, because our nubian lives off-site. Um, if there's nothing else, I'll just help you with your case.
Phil: Uh, no, uh- [a whip falls outs] I'll get that.
Higgins: Yeah.

Phil: [aside to camera] The heroes of the underground-magic blogosphere: "Flashpaper" Finelli, Kaiser Mayhem, The Kid. When you think about it, it's crazy they're all alive at the same time.

Gloria: [aside to camera] Many years ago, when Jay was in Las Vegas, he bought Barkley, the doggy butler. I hate Barkley. I knew if Jay saw Rebarka, he would want her too. Yeah, that's her name, Rebarka.

Security Guard: Sorry, sir. This is a private elevator.
Jay: No need to apologize. I'm glad you're on top of this stuff.
Security Guard: That's only for the Excelsior level. This elevator goes to the top floor.
Jay: I thought Excelsior was the top, 62.
Security Guard: Mandalay Bay has 63 floors. Top floor is Excelsior Plus.
Jay: Wait, they're allowed up there? They're wearing dungarees.
[cut to Jay outside the Mandalay Bay:]
Jay: 61, 62, 63. Son of a bitch!

Claire: How about a Blackjack table?
Mitchell: Oh, no, I'm really worn out from my massage, the sauna It was just- It was a lot of detoxing.
Claire: You know what you need? Some toxing.
Mitchell: No.
Claire: Hand of Blackjack, couple of tequilas. Come on, it'll be fun. Do it.
Mitchell: You sound just like the kid who bullied me into smoking my first cigarette.
Claire: Maybe this time you won't tell on me.

Langham: Hey, big spender. What are you doing?
Mitchell: Gambling. I'm a gambler now.
Langham: Look at you, letting loose.
Mitchell: Yeah. Yeah, I guess I figure whatever mischief one might get into in Vegas kind of remains here within the limits of the city, you know?