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‘Las Vegas’ Quotes

Modern Family: Las Vegas

518. Las Vegas

Aired March 26, 2014

When the adults travel to Vegas for a premium hotel stay, courtesy of Jay's friend, everyone gets distracted doing their own thing. Jay learns there's an even more exclusive hotel package and is determined to gain access. As Phil attends a meeting of a secret underground magic society, Claire tries to win back money she lost in Vegas years ago. Cameron and Mitchell both insist they're not interested in their friend's bachelor party shenanigans. Meanwhile, Gloria attempts to stop Jay from seeing the female version of dog butler Barkley.

Quote from Jay

Ducky: There we go.
Jay: You've got the touch, kid.
Ducky: I was blessed with my mother's small hands, sir. Shall I order your complimentary, in-room, hot-stone massage?
Jay: Complimentary?
Ducky: All part of the Excelsior Plus experience, sir. Might be nice after a dip in your private lap pool. Oh, where has this been all my life? You know, I saw a harpist in the elevator. Can we get that for our brunch tomorrow?
Ducky: If it was up to me, yes, but unfortunately, that is reserved for our Excelsior Ultra guests only.
[cut to Jay outside The Mandalay Bay:]
Jay: 62, 63, 64. Son of a bitch!

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Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: It's just not who we are anymore. Listen to this: "Bananas and Cabanas pool party." Oh, Cam.
Gloria: "Most creative Speedo wins tickets to The Kilty Pleasures."
Mitchell: Oh. Please.
Gloria: What is The Kilty Pleasures?
Cameron: This.
Mitchell: We will be maintaining our dignity in the spa, thank you.
Cameron: I mean, come on, have you ever seen a Scottish person this tan? I'm embarrassed even looking at it.
Claire: Then stop.

Quote from Claire

[aside to camera:]
Phil: She was icing me, but I deserved it. For the first time in my whole life, I was neglecting her. I'd been invited to audition for a secret magic society in Las Vegas, but in all my rehearsals, I'd paid no attention to Claire. I even left her alone in a movie theater once.
[separately to camera:]
Claire: I let Phil think I was still mad at him because I needed a little time to myself. Years ago, Phil and I put aside money for a trip on our 25th anniversary, but I lost that money on a girls' weekend in Vegas. Since then, I've been on a secret mission to win that money back, and if things go well this weekend, I am even. Vegas, you have a gambling problem, and her name is Claire.

Quote from Phil

Higgins: Knockity-knock-knock. Mr. Dunphy, I presume?
Phil: Yes. Who-
Higgins: Hi. I'm Leslie Higgins, it's a boy's name where I'm from. I'm your Butler.
Phil: Oh. Butler. Cool.
Higgins: Yes. As an Excelsior guest, uh, I'm at your beck and call 24/7. Anything you need, big or small, I can- [finds Phil's handcuffs] Oh. Can I just segue, sir, to the importance of discretion in my job? I'll just pop those-
Phil: Oh, no, no, no. Never mind those.
Higgins: As you wish.
Phil: They're for an appointment I have later. The less you know about that, the better.
Higgins: A myriad of apologies, sir.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Oh, hang on. Actually, do you know where I can get a cape laundered?
Higgins: Opera or superhero?
Phil: I'd rather not say.
Higgins: I overstepped the mark by asking. Uh, could I just, uh, quickly point out our luxury bath service, sir? We have five outrageously decadent baths that I can prepare for you at a moment's notice. Uh, I should just point out, though, that our pharaoh's fantasy does take a dash longer, normally, because our nubian lives off-site. Um, if there's nothing else, I'll just help you with your case.
Phil: Uh, no, uh- [a whip falls outs] I'll get that.
Higgins: Yeah.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] The heroes of the underground-magic blogosphere: "Flashpaper" Finelli, Kaiser Mayhem, The Kid. When you think about it, it's crazy they're all alive at the same time.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] Many years ago, when Jay was in Las Vegas, he bought Barkley, the doggy butler. I hate Barkley. I knew if Jay saw Rebarka, he would want her too. Yeah, that's her name, Rebarka.

Quote from Jay

Security Guard: Sorry, sir. This is a private elevator.
Jay: No need to apologize. I'm glad you're on top of this stuff.
Security Guard: That's only for the Excelsior level. This elevator goes to the top floor.
Jay: I thought Excelsior was the top, 62.
Security Guard: Mandalay Bay has 63 floors. Top floor is Excelsior Plus.
Jay: Wait, they're allowed up there? They're wearing dungarees.
[cut to Jay outside the Mandalay Bay:]
Jay: 61, 62, 63. Son of a bitch!

Quote from Claire

Claire: How about a Blackjack table?
Mitchell: Oh, no, I'm really worn out from my massage, the sauna It was just- It was a lot of detoxing.
Claire: You know what you need? Some toxing.
Mitchell: No.
Claire: Hand of Blackjack, couple of tequilas. Come on, it'll be fun. Do it.
Mitchell: You sound just like the kid who bullied me into smoking my first cigarette.
Claire: Maybe this time you won't tell on me.

Quote from Mitchell

Langham: Hey, big spender. What are you doing?
Mitchell: Gambling. I'm a gambler now.
Langham: Look at you, letting loose.
Mitchell: Yeah. Yeah, I guess I figure whatever mischief one might get into in Vegas kind of remains here within the limits of the city, you know?

Quote from Phil

Higgins: Ah, Mr. Dunphy! How are we this evening? [notices Phil's wearing the handcuffs]
Phil: Not so good. I'm in a tight spot with my lady. You know what might help? One of those- One of those luxury baths.
Higgins: Ah, get yourself out of some hot water by getting her into some.
Phil: Wow, so good.
Higgins: Might I suggest the Michael Buble bath?
Phil: You are a mind reader.
Higgins: I'm not a mind reader, sir. I've just been in the bath-buttling business since the early '90s, despite my fresh face, so I tend to know what these situations need.
Phil: I'll get the water going.
Higgins: As you wish. Same price either way.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Oh, good. You're back. How's Claire seem?
Higgins: I'm sorry?
Phil: You must have seen her out there. Is she mad? W-what's she doing?
Higgins: Uh, she's dusting, sir.
Phil: Oh, she always cleans when she's mad. Do me a favor. Bring her a drink and tell her to get comfortable on the couch.
Higgins: She's- She's allowed on the furniture, is she? [chuckles]
Phil: She's my wife.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Come on, I have a surprise for you. Oh Yeah, I-I've been thinking we need to stop being so uptight. We are in Vegas. Let's have a little fun.
Cameron: Well, I'll have to wrap my head around that, but okay.
Mitchell: Now, I have just the way to kick it off. Something we could do together. It's a little extreme, but I think it might be just what we need.
Cameron: Okay.
Mitchell: Go on in.
[Cameron walks into the bathroom where Langham is in the tub enjoying the "techno bath" experience]
Cameron: Are you crazy?
Mitchell: Oh, come on, Cam, we deserve this. All right, you get started, and then I'll jump in when it starts to heat up.
Cameron: Mitchell!
Mitchell: Come on. Then I will throw you into it, tiger. Rub a dub dub. Dear, no.
Cameron: Langham.
Langham: Both of you? Huh. Well, okay.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: You want to tell me how you "accidentally" gave someone your key?
Mitchell: You want to tell me why you spent all day sipping Tequila out of some guy's navel?
Cameron: You saw that?
Mitchell: I guessed.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Hi, guys. What's going on?
Mitchell: Hey, Claire. Can you please just come back?
Cameron: We're in the middle of an argument.
Claire: Oh. Bet I know why.
Langham: Are you guys getting in the bath?
Claire: Or I'm way off.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Gloria, hurry up, will you? He's on his way up. I need to shave. [to Langham] Oh, you're here. Jay Pritchett. Thanks for stopping by. Nice robe. Like Hef, back in the day. I'm gonna cut to the chase. I like your lifestyle. I want a taste of it.
Langham: Well, s-sure, that's flattering, but-
Gloria: Okay, the bathroom is all you-
Jay: Gloria, it's Burt Tanner!
Gloria: That's not Burt Tanner, that's Long-ham.

Quote from Phil

Phil: If you will, raise it above my head and pinch it at my wrists. Go ahead and make it good and tight. Don't be easy on me. Okay. Now As the lowly caterpillar becomes the majestic butterfly, as the tiny acorn becomes the mighty oak, so, too, do we complete our metamorphosis.
Ducky: So, it's The Governor's Bluff.
Phil: Well, it's a huge twist on The Governor's Bluff.
Ducky: Eh.
Phil: No, no, no, no, no! There were other elements. You just kind of threw me off. I forgot- I was gonna- As a flourish I was gonna use one-
[A small smoke bomb goes off. Gloria then emerges from the bathroom wearing Rebarka's maid outfit]
Gloria: Hola.
Ducky: That's amazing. You lull me with this- With this hacky quick change, and the whole time, you're changing the fake dog into a hot maid? It's brilliant! It's magic!
Phil: No, that's metamorphosis!

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Like you, Burt, I enjoy the finer things. [knock on door] As a matter of fact, that's probably the Cuban I ordered for you.
Gloria: Hola.


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