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40Quotes from ‘All Things Being Equal’

Modern Family: All Things Being Equal

820. All Things Being Equal

Aired May 3, 2017

When Gloria, Claire, Haley, Alex and Lily run into car trouble on their way to a women's march, they decide to fix the flat tire themselves. Manny is annoyed when Luke attends the rally and sees an opportunity to befriend a girl. Jay and Phil disagree over the staffing of their parking lot when the person Phil hired, Joan (guest star Niecy Nash), turns out to be a chatterbox. Elsewhere, Cameron is jealous at the budding friendship between Mitchell and Pam as she seeks help dealing with her newborn son.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Ugh, my old squash injury.
Mitchell: Oh, you played squash?
Pam: No. I grew the heaviest one in the county. I had to carry it inside every night, on account of poachers.

Quote from Luke

Danielle Pardo: If you guys are making signs, here are some of the issues: women make 79 cents on the dollar, and the government wants to tell me what I can do with my body. I mean, how would you feel if...
[aside to camera:]
Luke: Whoa! She blew my mind. Society treats girls like second-class citizens. I've spent a lot of time on women's websites, but none of this stuff ever came up.

Quote from Luke

Danielle Pardo: Do you know that there are only a handful of female C.E.O.s in the entire Fortune 500?
Luke: That's crazy. Women can drive a race-car just as well as a man.
Danielle Pardo: You joke.
Luke: Huh?

Quote from Manny

Danielle Pardo: I'm only in high school and I see casual sexism on the daily.
Manny: I know. I hear the way Mr. Easton "mansplains" everything to you.
Danielle Pardo: What's that?
Manny: It's when a man tries to explain something to a woman that she already knows.
Danielle Pardo: Are you mansplaining "mansplaining" to me right now? I was talking about your snack.
Manny: It's trail mix. You know who else blazed a trail, Geraldine Ferraro!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Looks like we're at a stand-off.
Jay: God, not the coin.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Even super-duper pals like Jay and I disagree sometimes, so... I dreamed up this baby. If it comes up Phil, I win. If it comes up Jay, he wins. He hated this, but I told him, "The coin adds pounds."

Quote from Lily

Haley: So, how hard-core is this march going to be?
Alex: Just a peaceful gathering of women working towards the same goal of equality. We're not burning bras or anything.
Lily: Good, 'cause I just got my first one. I'm not torching it before Naomi's sleepover.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Hey. You look busy.
Cameron: Oh, yeah, well, I'm just putting the finishing touches on the costumes for this year's school musical.
Mitchell: You mean the one that's supposedly based on your life, but is a beat-for-beat rip-off of "The Wizard of Oz"?
Cameron: Mine is the story of a precocious farm kid who takes a magical journey to the big city. How is that "Wizard of Oz"?
Mitchell: Cam, you have a Tin Man.
Cameron: That's our high-school mascot. We were the Mighty Milk Jugs. You know this.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, honey, you look exhausted.
Pam: [sighs] The baby didn't sleep again last night. I'll tell you, I haven't been this out of sorts since that twister lifted up our house.
Cameron: Told ya.
Pam: That wind was so strong it shucked all our corn.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam.
Cameron: What? I think it's great that she's asking you to help out with baby Cal instead of his own flesh and blood. I guess the only thing I'm good for is putting on a wig and taking her SATs.
Mitchell: I cannot believe you're jealous.
Cameron: I'm hardly jealous. I'm much too busy.
Mitchell: Oh, finishing the flying monkeys?
Cameron: They're not flying monkeys. Let me ask you, what do you think happens to possums during a tornado?

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] It wasn't like I was checking up on him. I had my nap and I came by for an afternoon claw. I don't have a lot going on right now.

Quote from Luke

Luke: It's funny. We've only been volunteering here at the women's march for an hour.
Manny: Five minutes.
Luke: But it already feels like I'm part of something big, something really special. Would you snap a picture?
Manny: So you can prove you were here and get school credit, and be home faster than the ink dries on that poster you just misspelled? "Women Untie"?
Luke: Still works.

Quote from Luke

Manny: Luke, these women deserve our respect. They've had to overcome biases and challenges we've never had to face. They're the granddaughters of the suffrage movement.
Luke: Sitting through your little speech, that's suffrage.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Oh, my God. I-It's Danielle Pardo from calculus.
Luke: Who?
Manny: You wouldn't know her. You run in different circles. She's in honors classes and you, well, run in circles.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: You're watching strong women in action, Lily. When we put our minds together, there's nothing we can't achieve.
Gloria: This is too hard. Ugh. I give up.
Alex: Let's just get the manual.
Claire: Great idea. I like that. You see, Lily, there are no fairy tales, no damsels in distress. We are more than just a bunch of pretty faces.
Alex: There's nothing in the glove box but makeup.
Gloria: Ay, yeah, because the manual wouldn't fit with my emergency touch-up kit.

Quote from Haley

Haley: I would like to revisit Gloria's idea about giving up.
Alex: Oh, that's setting a great example. What do you think would've happened if Marie Curie had given up?
Haley: She wouldn't have died of radiation poisoning.
Alex: How on Earth did you know that?
Haley: You talk about her a lot. Until I saw her on that stamp, I thought she was your girlfriend.

Quote from Jay

Joan: Are you asking me not to talk to people? 'cause that [chuckles] is what I do. And Phil don't seem to have a problem with it.
Jay: No, but I do.
Joan: Well, to quote Sammy Davis Jr., "I got to be me."
Jay: Well, to quote Frank Sinatra, who I met once at a restaurant, "Get out of my booth."

Quote from Jay

Jay: What are you doing here? Where's Joan? You were supposed to handle it, but you didn't, so I had to take time out of my extremely busy day and try to straighten her out. But she didn't go along with the program, so she's gone.
Phil: You did this without talking to me? We're supposed to be partners.
Jay: We're gonna hire that Tibor guy. He barely speaks English, but there'll be no chattiness... although I did try that with Gloria, and eventually they watch so much TV they figure it out.

Quote from Jay

Jay: All right, everybody relax. Calm down! Calm down. Who drives the Prius? [all hands go up] With a "Whole Foods" reward card? [all hands remain up]

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Jay and I are partners in a parking lot. It's added a wonderful, new dynamic to our relationship. The first step was hiring someone to man the booth. We narrowed it down to the two candidates who applied.

Quote from Phil

Joan: I don't think it should be, "I hope there's a place to park near where I love to have lunch." I think it should be, "I hope there's a place to have lunch near where I love to park." [chuckling] Huh?
[cut to:]
Phil: So, Tibor, tell us why you're excited about a career in parking.
Tibor: Is good.
[back:]
Joan: That's a tough one. My top three... [exhales sharply] Destiny's Child...
Phil: Oh.
Joan: Janet Jackson.
Phil: Yes.
Joan: And my fave Metallica.
Phil: Oh, my goodness, you are so complex.
[back:]
Phil: Tibor, what are your favorite kinds of music?
Tibor: Tibor. Is good?

Quote from Jay

Phil: Well, I think the choice is clear. Joan.
Jay: Tibor.
Phil: Tibor?
Jay: I like his energy. He doesn't have any.
Phil: Well, I like Joan. She's fun.
Jay: Take her to the movies. This is a business.

Quote from Claire

Claire: This is a really exciting time for you, Lily. This is your first taste of feminism. We're all here as your mentors... or "womentors". Hmm? Come on, I just coined that.
Haley: We fake-laughed at "sheroic." The well is dry.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: This stupid traffic!
Alex: Look at all these women in these cars, Lily. It's so inspiring. All for one! One for all...
Gloria: I am gonna cut around these idiots! [tires screech]
Haley: What was that?
Gloria: Somebody shot out the tire!
Claire: Really? That's where you go with this? It was a pothole.

Quote from Lily

Gloria: The dashboard is going crazy.
Haley: It's a flat tire. Perfect.
Lily: I wouldn't know about "flat."

Quote from Jay

Jay: [on the car phone] Phil! Phil! We have a problem.
Phil: Aw, "we"?
Jay: I'm trying to get to that bakery that makes those bear claws. That chatterbox you and your coin hired is clogging up our parking lot. [tires squeal] Oh, great. There goes eight bucks.
Phil: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this an official partners' meeting? Hold on. [clears throat]Good morning and welcome. Partners present: Phil Dunphy...
Jay: Put down your stupid notebook. You're the one who wanted to hire her. You've got to tell her to speed it up or hit the road.
Phil: I want you to know that I hear you and will address this post-haste. Now, if we could move on to some unfinished business from the last meeting. Um... "My feelings are still hurt from you telling me all the places you want me to put the coin."
Jay: Ah, it's after ten o'clock,too late to eat a bear claw now, I'll be too sugared up for my nap. Everything's ruined.

Quote from Phil

Joan: There he is.
Phil: Hey, Joan. How's everything down here today?
Joan: Putting cars in spaces and smiles on faces. Well, except for yours. What's wrong?
Phil: Oh, no, I'm good. Yeah, definitely good.
Joan: Phil, if there's two things I know, it's people and parking. And you look like you trying to get out of a tough spot.
Phil: You see right through me.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Hey, guys, why don't we just call roadside assistance? I'm sure they'll send somebody.
Lily: If today is all about girl power, why can't we just fix it ourselves?
Haley: I knew we shouldn't have brought her.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: Gloria, I can't believe you don't know how to change a tire. You drove a taxi. Surely you had a flat.
Gloria: I had a lot of flats, but I would reapply my makeup and I would wait and then, in five minutes, I would have my own pit crew.

Quote from Jay

Joan: I read your script, baby. If you got third-act problems, you got first-act problems.
Man: You are so right.
Joan: Park it next to the Honda and flesh out your antagonist.
Jay: Hey.
Joan: Hey, Jay. How's Gloria, Manny, Joe, and Stella?
Jay: What, do you got index cards? Listen, your chattiness is gumming up the works here. You're not here to socialize, so just get 'em in, get 'em out.

Quote from Jay

Driver: Hey. Where do I park?
Jay: Between two lines.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [baby talk] Hi, little baby Calhoun. It's your uncle Cam. Your real uncle, not that guy Mitchell, who's just somebody I met at a party. You and I are gonna be the best friends in the whole wide... [baby cries and fusses]

Quote from Pam

Pam: I was about to wig out worse than Princess Margaret when her boyfriend was banished by Elizabeth.
Mitchell: Oh, yep.
Cameron: You watched "The Crown" without me?!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: I can't believe you.
Mitchell: We're only on episode four and there are literally no spoilers.
Cameron: I'm talking about you and your weird, new, little family. You have turned that baby against me. What did you say to him?
Mitchell: Cam, only you could turn this into something negative. There's nothing wrong with your sister and I becoming closer. We have a very special relationship. Kind of like the one the queen had with her private secretary.
Cameron: You son of a bitch!
Mitchell: It's history.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh. Hey, there you are. Listen, it was wrong of me to say something weird was going on between you and Pameron. I don't know what I was thinking. Clearly, you guys have a perfectly normal sister-and-gay-brother in-law relationship.
Mitchell: You saw it on the baby monitor, didn't you?
Cameron: It was even creepier in night vision.
Mitchell: I don't know what happened. Y-You both have the same lips and... and you kiss the same and...
Cameron: We did learn to kiss on the same hedge post.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Mitchell, could I speak to you in private, please?
Cameron: Why? Do you want to do some more neckin'?
Pam: You were bragging on it?
Mitchell: He saw it on the baby monitor.
Pam: And you were watching, you horny toad?

Quote from Luke

Manny: I can't believe she's falling for this. I've believed in this cause my whole life. You spend an afternoon faking it and she kisses you almost on the lips.
Luke: I'm not faking anything. She got through to me.
Danielle Pardo: [over megaphone] Women and girls and the men who honor us...
Luke: It's a crime what women in this country have to go through, and I'm with her 100%.
Danielle Pardo: We will never accomplish anything without sacrifice.
Luke: Damn straight! [to Manny] I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen, but Danielle and I made a connection and I'm sticking with her as long as it takes.
Danielle Pardo: That's why, until women have true equality, I will remain celibate.
Luke: Let's get out of here.

Quote from Alex

Joey: Well, cars are in my blood. You know, my grandmother ran her own garage.
Alex: That's so awesome. There must have been a lot of prejudice back then.
Joey: There was but eventually, she started fixing Irish people's cars.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: Thank you so much. Is there any way we could pay you for your time?
Joey: No, no, absolutely not. I'm happy to help. But let me just reset your tire-pressure monitor so that thing doesn't beep at you all day.
Claire: Yes, please. Go right ahead.
Alex: See that, Lily? We didn't need a man to help us get out of this. This is what happens when women help other women.
[Joey drives off in Gloria's car]
Haley: She's probably just making sure it works, right?
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: So that bitch stole my car.
Claire: On a positive note, it is nice to see a woman break into a previously male-dominated field.
Gloria: My makeup was not insured.

Quote from Alex

Luke: What's going on?
Claire: Oh, your father and I have been arguing about something for over an hour.
Phil: Fortunately, I've made a special coin with my face on one side and your mom's on the other.
Alex: Ugh, Susan B. Unflattering.

Quote from Phil

Phil: It came up Claire.
Claire: Yep! Getting cremated!
Phil: Damn it! Okay, here's another one: my head, we use our nest egg for a beach condo. Yours, the kids' safety net.
Luke: Hey, not cool.
Claire: Aw.
Phil: Aw. I'm so sorry, you guys.
Claire: Aw, you can come visit.
Phil: You know, if you can afford it.


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