Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘All Things Being Equal’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Modern Family: All Things Being Equal

820. All Things Being Equal

Aired May 3, 2017

When Gloria, Claire, Haley, Alex and Lily run into car trouble on their way to a women's march, they decide to fix the flat tire themselves. Manny is annoyed when Luke attends the rally and sees an opportunity to befriend a girl. Jay and Phil disagree over the staffing of their parking lot when the person Phil hired, Joan (guest star Niecy Nash), turns out to be a chatterbox. Elsewhere, Cameron is jealous at the budding friendship between Mitchell and Pam as she seeks help dealing with her newborn son.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Ugh, my old squash injury.
Mitchell: Oh, you played squash?
Pam: No. I grew the heaviest one in the county. I had to carry it inside every night, on account of poachers.

Rate

Quote from Luke

Danielle Pardo: If you guys are making signs, here are some of the issues: women make 79 cents on the dollar, and the government wants to tell me what I can do with my body. I mean, how would you feel if...
[aside to camera:]
Luke: Whoa! She blew my mind. Society treats girls like second-class citizens. I've spent a lot of time on women's websites, but none of this stuff ever came up.

Quote from Luke

Danielle Pardo: Do you know that there are only a handful of female C.E.O.s in the entire Fortune 500?
Luke: That's crazy. Women can drive a race-car just as well as a man.
Danielle Pardo: You joke.
Luke: Huh?

Quote from Manny

Danielle Pardo: I'm only in high school and I see casual sexism on the daily.
Manny: I know. I hear the way Mr. Easton "mansplains" everything to you.
Danielle Pardo: What's that?
Manny: It's when a man tries to explain something to a woman that she already knows.
Danielle Pardo: Are you mansplaining "mansplaining" to me right now? I was talking about your snack.
Manny: It's trail mix. You know who else blazed a trail, Geraldine Ferraro!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Looks like we're at a stand-off.
Jay: God, not the coin.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Even super-duper pals like Jay and I disagree sometimes, so... I dreamed up this baby. If it comes up Phil, I win. If it comes up Jay, he wins. He hated this, but I told him, "The coin adds pounds."

Quote from Lily

Haley: So, how hard-core is this march going to be?
Alex: Just a peaceful gathering of women working towards the same goal of equality. We're not burning bras or anything.
Lily: Good, 'cause I just got my first one. I'm not torching it before Naomi's sleepover.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Hey. You look busy.
Cameron: Oh, yeah, well, I'm just putting the finishing touches on the costumes for this year's school musical.
Mitchell: You mean the one that's supposedly based on your life, but is a beat-for-beat rip-off of "The Wizard of Oz"?
Cameron: Mine is the story of a precocious farm kid who takes a magical journey to the big city. How is that "Wizard of Oz"?
Mitchell: Cam, you have a Tin Man.
Cameron: That's our high-school mascot. We were the Mighty Milk Jugs. You know this.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, honey, you look exhausted.
Pam: [sighs] The baby didn't sleep again last night. I'll tell you, I haven't been this out of sorts since that twister lifted up our house.
Cameron: Told ya.
Pam: That wind was so strong it shucked all our corn.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam.
Cameron: What? I think it's great that she's asking you to help out with baby Cal instead of his own flesh and blood. I guess the only thing I'm good for is putting on a wig and taking her SATs.
Mitchell: I cannot believe you're jealous.
Cameron: I'm hardly jealous. I'm much too busy.
Mitchell: Oh, finishing the flying monkeys?
Cameron: They're not flying monkeys. Let me ask you, what do you think happens to possums during a tornado?

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] It wasn't like I was checking up on him. I had my nap and I came by for an afternoon claw. I don't have a lot going on right now.

Quote from Luke

Luke: It's funny. We've only been volunteering here at the women's march for an hour.
Manny: Five minutes.
Luke: But it already feels like I'm part of something big, something really special. Would you snap a picture?
Manny: So you can prove you were here and get school credit, and be home faster than the ink dries on that poster you just misspelled? "Women Untie"?
Luke: Still works.

Quote from Luke

Manny: Luke, these women deserve our respect. They've had to overcome biases and challenges we've never had to face. They're the granddaughters of the suffrage movement.
Luke: Sitting through your little speech, that's suffrage.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Oh, my God. I-It's Danielle Pardo from calculus.
Luke: Who?
Manny: You wouldn't know her. You run in different circles. She's in honors classes and you, well, run in circles.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: You're watching strong women in action, Lily. When we put our minds together, there's nothing we can't achieve.
Gloria: This is too hard. Ugh. I give up.
Alex: Let's just get the manual.
Claire: Great idea. I like that. You see, Lily, there are no fairy tales, no damsels in distress. We are more than just a bunch of pretty faces.
Alex: There's nothing in the glove box but makeup.
Gloria: Ay, yeah, because the manual wouldn't fit with my emergency touch-up kit.

Quote from Haley

Haley: I would like to revisit Gloria's idea about giving up.
Alex: Oh, that's setting a great example. What do you think would've happened if Marie Curie had given up?
Haley: She wouldn't have died of radiation poisoning.
Alex: How on Earth did you know that?
Haley: You talk about her a lot. Until I saw her on that stamp, I thought she was your girlfriend.

Quote from Jay

Joan: Are you asking me not to talk to people? 'cause that [chuckles] is what I do. And Phil don't seem to have a problem with it.
Jay: No, but I do.
Joan: Well, to quote Sammy Davis Jr., "I got to be me."
Jay: Well, to quote Frank Sinatra, who I met once at a restaurant, "Get out of my booth."

Quote from Jay

Jay: What are you doing here? Where's Joan? You were supposed to handle it, but you didn't, so I had to take time out of my extremely busy day and try to straighten her out. But she didn't go along with the program, so she's gone.
Phil: You did this without talking to me? We're supposed to be partners.
Jay: We're gonna hire that Tibor guy. He barely speaks English, but there'll be no chattiness... although I did try that with Gloria, and eventually they watch so much TV they figure it out.

Quote from Jay

Jay: All right, everybody relax. Calm down! Calm down. Who drives the Prius? [all hands go up] With a "Whole Foods" reward card? [all hands remain up]

Quote from Alex

Joey: Well, cars are in my blood. You know, my grandmother ran her own garage.
Alex: That's so awesome. There must have been a lot of prejudice back then.
Joey: There was but eventually she started fixing Irish people's cars.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Jay and I are partners in a parking lot. It's added a wonderful, new dynamic to our relationship. The first step was hiring someone to man the booth. We narrowed it down to the two candidates who applied.

Next Page 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode