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All Things Being Equal

‘All Things Being Equal’

Season 8, Episode 20 - Aired May 3, 2017

When Gloria, Claire, Haley, Alex and Lily run into car trouble on their way to a women's march, they decide to fix the flat tire themselves. Manny is annoyed when Luke attends the rally and sees an opportunity to befriend a girl. Jay and Phil disagree over the staffing of their parking lot when the person Phil hired, Joan (guest star Niecy Nash), turns out to be a chatterbox. Elsewhere, Cameron is jealous at the budding friendship between Mitchell and Pam as she seeks help dealing with her newborn son.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Ugh, my old squash injury.
Mitchell: Oh, you played squash?
Pam: No. I grew the heaviest one in the county. I had to carry it inside every night, on account of poachers.


Quote from Luke

Danielle Pardo: Do you know that there are only a handful of female C.E.O.s in the entire Fortune 500?
Luke: That's crazy. Women can drive a race-car just as well as a man.
Danielle Pardo: You joke.
Luke: Huh?

Quote from Luke

Danielle Pardo: If you guys are making signs, here are some of the issues: women make 79 cents on the dollar, and the government wants to tell me what I can do with my body. I mean, how would you feel if...
[aside to camera:]
Luke: Whoa! She blew my mind. Society treats girls like second-class citizens. I've spent a lot of time on women's websites, but none of this stuff ever came up.

Quote from Manny

Danielle Pardo: I'm only in high school and I see casual sexism on the daily.
Manny: I know. I hear the way Mr. Easton "mansplains" everything to you.
Danielle Pardo: What's that?
Manny: It's when a man tries to explain something to a woman that she already knows.
Danielle Pardo: Are you mansplaining "mansplaining" to me right now? I was talking about your snack.
Manny: It's trail mix. You know who else blazed a trail, Geraldine Ferraro!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Looks like we're at a stand-off.
Jay: God, not the coin.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Even super-duper pals like Jay and I disagree sometimes, so... I dreamed up this baby. If it comes up Phil, I win. If it comes up Jay, he wins. He hated this, but I told him, "The coin adds pounds."

Quote from Lily

Haley: So, how hard-core is this march going to be?
Alex: Just a peaceful gathering of women working towards the same goal of equality. We're not burning bras or anything.
Lily: Good, 'cause I just got my first one. I'm not torching it before Naomi's sleepover.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Hey. You look busy.
Cameron: Oh, yeah, well, I'm just putting the finishing touches on the costumes for this year's school musical.
Mitchell: You mean the one that's supposedly based on your life, but is a beat-for-beat rip-off of "The Wizard of Oz"?
Cameron: Mine is the story of a precocious farm kid who takes a magical journey to the big city. How is that "Wizard of Oz"?
Mitchell: Cam, you have a Tin Man.
Cameron: That's our high-school mascot. We were the Mighty Milk Jugs. You know this.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, honey, you look exhausted.
Pam: [sighs] The baby didn't sleep again last night. I'll tell you, I haven't been this out of sorts since that twister lifted up our house.
Cameron: Told ya.
Pam: That wind was so strong it shucked all our corn.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam.
Cameron: What? I think it's great that she's asking you to help out with baby Cal instead of his own flesh and blood. I guess the only thing I'm good for is putting on a wig and taking her SATs.
Mitchell: I cannot believe you're jealous.
Cameron: I'm hardly jealous. I'm much too busy.
Mitchell: Oh, finishing the flying monkeys?
Cameron: They're not flying monkeys. Let me ask you, what do you think happens to possums during a tornado?

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] It wasn't like I was checking up on him. I had my nap and I came by for an afternoon claw. I don't have a lot going on right now.

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