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‘All Things Being Equal’ Quotes

Modern Family: All Things Being Equal

820. All Things Being Equal

Aired May 3, 2017

When Gloria, Claire, Haley, Alex and Lily run into car trouble on their way to a women's march, they decide to fix the flat tire themselves. Manny is annoyed when Luke attends the rally and sees an opportunity to befriend a girl. Jay and Phil disagree over the staffing of their parking lot when the person Phil hired, Joan (guest star Niecy Nash), turns out to be a chatterbox. Elsewhere, Cameron is jealous at the budding friendship between Mitchell and Pam as she seeks help dealing with her newborn son.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Ugh, my old squash injury.
Mitchell: Oh, you played squash?
Pam: No. I grew the heaviest one in the county. I had to carry it inside every night, on account of poachers.

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Quote from Luke

Danielle Pardo: If you guys are making signs, here are some of the issues: women make 79 cents on the dollar, and the government wants to tell me what I can do with my body. I mean, how would you feel if...
[aside to camera:]
Luke: Whoa! She blew my mind. Society treats girls like second-class citizens. I've spent a lot of time on women's websites, but none of this stuff ever came up.

Quote from Luke

Danielle Pardo: Do you know that there are only a handful of female C.E.O.s in the entire Fortune 500?
Luke: That's crazy. Women can drive a race-car just as well as a man.
Danielle Pardo: You joke.
Luke: Huh?

Quote from Manny

Danielle Pardo: I'm only in high school and I see casual sexism on the daily.
Manny: I know. I hear the way Mr. Easton "mansplains" everything to you.
Danielle Pardo: What's that?
Manny: It's when a man tries to explain something to a woman that she already knows.
Danielle Pardo: Are you mansplaining "mansplaining" to me right now? I was talking about your snack.
Manny: It's trail mix. You know who else blazed a trail, Geraldine Ferraro!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Looks like we're at a stand-off.
Jay: God, not the coin.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Even super-duper pals like Jay and I disagree sometimes, so... I dreamed up this baby. If it comes up Phil, I win. If it comes up Jay, he wins. He hated this, but I told him, "The coin adds pounds."

Quote from Lily

Haley: So, how hard-core is this march going to be?
Alex: Just a peaceful gathering of women working towards the same goal of equality. We're not burning bras or anything.
Lily: Good, 'cause I just got my first one. I'm not torching it before Naomi's sleepover.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Hey. You look busy.
Cameron: Oh, yeah, well, I'm just putting the finishing touches on the costumes for this year's school musical.
Mitchell: You mean the one that's supposedly based on your life, but is a beat-for-beat rip-off of "The Wizard of Oz"?
Cameron: Mine is the story of a precocious farm kid who takes a magical journey to the big city. How is that "Wizard of Oz"?
Mitchell: Cam, you have a Tin Man.
Cameron: That's our high-school mascot. We were the Mighty Milk Jugs. You know this.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, honey, you look exhausted.
Pam: [sighs] The baby didn't sleep again last night. I'll tell you, I haven't been this out of sorts since that twister lifted up our house.
Cameron: Told ya.
Pam: That wind was so strong it shucked all our corn.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam.
Cameron: What? I think it's great that she's asking you to help out with baby Cal instead of his own flesh and blood. I guess the only thing I'm good for is putting on a wig and taking her SATs.
Mitchell: I cannot believe you're jealous.
Cameron: I'm hardly jealous. I'm much too busy.
Mitchell: Oh, finishing the flying monkeys?
Cameron: They're not flying monkeys. Let me ask you, what do you think happens to possums during a tornado?

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] It wasn't like I was checking up on him. I had my nap and I came by for an afternoon claw. I don't have a lot going on right now.

Quote from Luke

Luke: It's funny. We've only been volunteering here at the women's march for an hour.
Manny: Five minutes.
Luke: But it already feels like I'm part of something big, something really special. Would you snap a picture?
Manny: So you can prove you were here and get school credit, and be home faster than the ink dries on that poster you just misspelled? "Women Untie"?
Luke: Still works.

Quote from Luke

Manny: Luke, these women deserve our respect. They've had to overcome biases and challenges we've never had to face. They're the granddaughters of the suffrage movement.
Luke: Sitting through your little speech, that's suffrage.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Oh, my God. I-It's Danielle Pardo from calculus.
Luke: Who?
Manny: You wouldn't know her. You run in different circles. She's in honors classes and you, well, run in circles.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: You're watching strong women in action, Lily. When we put our minds together, there's nothing we can't achieve.
Gloria: This is too hard. Ugh. I give up.
Alex: Let's just get the manual.
Claire: Great idea. I like that. You see, Lily, there are no fairy tales, no damsels in distress. We are more than just a bunch of pretty faces.
Alex: There's nothing in the glove box but makeup.
Gloria: Ay, yeah, because the manual wouldn't fit with my emergency touch-up kit.

Quote from Haley

Haley: I would like to revisit Gloria's idea about giving up.
Alex: Oh, that's setting a great example. What do you think would've happened if Marie Curie had given up?
Haley: She wouldn't have died of radiation poisoning.
Alex: How on Earth did you know that?
Haley: You talk about her a lot. Until I saw her on that stamp, I thought she was your girlfriend.

Quote from Jay

Joan: Are you asking me not to talk to people? 'cause that [chuckles] is what I do. And Phil don't seem to have a problem with it.
Jay: No, but I do.
Joan: Well, to quote Sammy Davis Jr., "I got to be me."
Jay: Well, to quote Frank Sinatra, who I met once at a restaurant, "Get out of my booth."

Quote from Jay

Jay: What are you doing here? Where's Joan? You were supposed to handle it, but you didn't, so I had to take time out of my extremely busy day and try to straighten her out. But she didn't go along with the program, so she's gone.
Phil: You did this without talking to me? We're supposed to be partners.
Jay: We're gonna hire that Tibor guy. He barely speaks English, but there'll be no chattiness... although I did try that with Gloria, and eventually they watch so much TV they figure it out.

Quote from Jay

Jay: All right, everybody relax. Calm down! Calm down. Who drives the Prius? [all hands go up] With a "Whole Foods" reward card? [all hands remain up]

Quote from Alex

Joey: Well, cars are in my blood. You know, my grandmother ran her own garage.
Alex: That's so awesome. There must have been a lot of prejudice back then.
Joey: There was but eventually she started fixing Irish people's cars.


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