Previous Episode Next Episode 

53Quotes from ‘Unplugged’

Modern Family: Unplugged

205. Unplugged

Aired October 20, 2010

After Claire encourages her family to put down their gadgets, Phil turns it into a contest. When a barking dog keeps Gloria up at night, she takes matters into her own hands. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron try to get Lily into a prestigious pre-school.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Look. Look how happy they are instead of him being tied to a tree outside with no one to talk to.
Jay: Why didn't you just tell me this in the first place?
Gloria: Ay, like you would be okay with me stealing a dog.
Jay: No.
Gloria: Exactly. That's why I didn't tell you. Now the dog is happy, Manny can sleep, and we have pickles.
Jay: Okay, it worked out this time, but don't forget that stealing is against the law. Now maybe in Colombia-
Gloria: Ah, here we go. Because in Colombia, we trip over goats and we kill people in the street. Do you know how offensive that is? Like we're Peruvians!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [affected accent] The tribe elders foretold that though I lay with fire-haired man the giving hawk would bring us baby with her skin the color of sweet corn which my people call maize.
Mitchell: Okay. Please stop.
Mr. Plympton: Well, uh-
Cameron: Knowledge is her sustenance. Like so much maize which, you'll remember, means corn.
Mitchell: What if I was a single dad?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: We have got to get her into school, or else she's gonna fall behind.
Cameron: Don't you think I know that?
Mitchell: This is perfect. Leave it to the gays to raise the only underachieving Asian in America.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Gloria's grandfather and uncles were butchers so she's always had a certain comfort level when it comes to... killing. One time, we had this rat. It was like nothing to her. She left the head out there to send a message to the other rats.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: What did you do?
Mitchell: What's best for Lily.
Cameron: Did you?
Mitchell: This is the first time being gay is a competitive advantage. They're choosing teams for gym class, and we're finally getting picked first.
Cameron: I always got picked first. I could throw a dodgeball through a piece of plywood. But I see your point.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Disabled interracial lesbians with an African kicker?
Mitchell: Did not see that coming.

Quote from Haley

Alex: What's going on?
Phil: I'll tell you what's going on. I win. Nobody gets a car, I dump Tom Brady and our long Amish nightmare is over.
Claire: I can't believe you thought you were gonna put one over on us.
Haley: I can't believe that he's actually already on the Internet.
Phil: Believe it, girl.
Haley: So you're actually online right now?
Phil: Yep.
Haley: Well, then I hate to break it to you, Daddy but you lose. [laughing]
Phil: What?
Haley: This isn't my phone. I carved it out of a bar of soap and colored it in with a marker.
Claire: Phil, she carved a telephone out of a bar of soap.
Haley: I can't believe that I'm getting a car!
Phil: Holy crap. We've been Shawshanked.

Quote from Cameron

Mr. Plympton: Many of our applicants are attorneys.
Mitchell: Of course.
Mr. Plympton: What sets you apart?
Mitchell: Um, well, I...
Cameron: [affected accent] Well, my white-man name is Tucker. I am 1/16th Cherokee. Ready for child to soar like eagle.
Mitchell: Oh, God.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to my camera] No way he's going to my village. I was in two car accidents when I was living there. Both times, I hit a goat. One was hurt pretty bad. But it was a good thing I had a shovel in the trunk.

Quote from Haley

Alex: I have a huge science paper due.
Claire: And we have a great set of encyclopedias somewhere. What do you think the public library is for?
Haley: I thought that was the bathroom for homeless people.

Quote from Cameron

Stephanie: Hi. I'm Stephanie Kaner, and this is Jafar. And we have an interview with Mr. Plympton.
Receptionist: Wonderful. These two are first.
Mitchell: Single white mother. Black child.
Cameron: So what? Lily's Asian. We're gay. In the school admissions poker game, we're the winning hand.
Stephanie: Oh, honey, sorry. My partner, Kavita.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: We hated Billingsley.
Cameron: The place is so stupid.
Claire: You blew the interview, didn't you?
Mitchell: Lesbians.
Cameron: In a wheelchair.
Claire: Oh.

Quote from Gloria

Larry: Who the hell is this kid?
Jay: There's no need for that.
Gloria: I'll tell you who he is. His name is Shut Up Your Damn Dog!
Larry: You know what's ironic? You come over here complaining and I have never once said a word about that obnoxious parrot of yours that's always squawking.
Jay: Parrot?
Gloria: What parrot?
[montage:]
Gloria: Jay! Jay! Jay!

Quote from Phil

Claire: We have called this family meeting because the personal electronics have gotten out of control. Starting today, there's going to be a one-week ban on all cell phones Texting, I.M.'ing video chatting, video gaming, anything on the Internet.
Alex: How am I supposed to do my homework?
Claire: The way I did.
Phil: With a chisel and a piece of stone.
Claire: Phil.
Phil: Can't unplug my funny bone.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Can I still play Plants Versus Zombies? Are you not listening? But you learn about plants. And plants are life. Are you against life?

Quote from Phil

Alex: What about fantasy football?
Phil: Not a problem. My team's set this week. I am completely on board your mother's horse and buggy to yesteryear. For the next week, I may as well be Amish Jebediah Dunphy. Raisin' barns, witnessin' murders, makin' electric fireplace hearths.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Did you see the duckies in the yard? Lily loves duckies.
Mitchell: I know.
Cameron: I'm gonna mention that.
Mitchell: Well, do. Because that's really gonna set her apart from the rest of the kids.
Cameron: We should also mention how she always perks up when we watch Charlie Rose.
Mitchell: That was one time. He was interviewing Elmo.

Quote from Cameron

Nikki: You boys ought to relax.
Mitchell: Oh, I'm sorry. We just- We really want to make a good impression.
Nikki: Hmm. Gay adoptive parents with a minority baby? Sugars, you can get into any school you want.
Mitchell: I'm sorry. Really?
Nikki: Oh, you didn't know that? Oh, yeah. All of these schools like to brag about their diversity. You're diverse times three. In demand. You're like Jimmy Buffett tickets to these hybrid-driving, straight white folks.
Cameron: I hear that, girl.
Nikki: Yeah.

Quote from Phil

Claire: How was your day at work?
Phil: Amazing.
Claire: Great. What happened?
Phil: Instead of wasting my lunch hour surfing the Web, checking football stats I put on some mellow music and I meditated.
Claire: Wow. For how long?
Phil: I have no idea. I just woke up 20 minutes ago.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Look what I built, Dad. Dunphy Towers. 200 condos, a happy family in every one.
Phil: Way to go, buddy. I gotta hand it to you, honey. Twenty-four hours without video games he's already contributing to society.
Luke: [knocking cans over] Die! Die!
Claire: To be fair, he's using his imagination.
Luke: [high-pitched voice] "There's no fire escapes! They cut corners!" I'll cut your corners!

Quote from Manny

Jay: Hey, buddy. What you reading?
Manny: The Old Man and the Sea.
Jay: You like it?
Manny: I like that Hemingway gets to the point.
Jay: You read a lot of his stuff?
Manny: That was a hint, Jay.

Quote from Manny

Jay: I wanna ask you something, between you and me.
Manny: You wanna know if I think my mom did something to that dog.
Jay: Yeah.
Manny: Sit.
Jay: Don't most kids drink soda?
Manny: [sips espresso] Who knows what they do?

Quote from Manny

Jay: So. Your mom.
Manny: Jay, I have learned a few things in my 12 years. Don't skimp on linens. Don't compliment a teacher on her figure. And when it comes to my mom never ask questions I don't want the answers to.
Jay: I don't buy it. A sensitive kid like you I think you want to know every bit as much as I do.
Manny: You're wrong.
Jay: Then why is your hand shaking?
Manny: This is my fifth one of these today. I-I may have a problem.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Since when do you call me your "life partner"?
Mitchell: Since a spot opened up at Billingsley Academy.
Cameron: But I like Wagon Wheel. It had all the duckies. And it reminded me of where I went in Missouri.
Mitchell: Cam, everyone goes to Billingsley for a reason. It's the Harvard of preschools.
Cameron: She's not even two years old yet. She doesn't need the Harvard of preschools. She needs finger painting and duckies.
Mitchell: I'm begging you to please just say "ducks."

Quote from Manny

Jay: Ah! Don't sneak up on me like that. What are you doing out here?
Manny: You got in my head about my mom. Is that the rat shovel?
Jay: Yeah.
Manny: Are you checking it for signs of dog?
Jay: I was going to.
Manny: Well, let's do this quick. If she catches us, we're as dead as that dog probably is.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: What are you doing here?
Jay: Nothing.
Gloria: Why are you looking at that shovel? Do you think someone did something with that shovel, Manny?
Manny: He thinks you killed the dog!
Jay: You little rat.
Manny: Don't call me a rat! She kills rats!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: You really think that I would kill a dog?
Jay: Well, what was I supposed to think?
Gloria: I don't know. How about I didn't kill a dog?
Jay: Just tell me what you did with it.
Gloria: He's in a better place.
Jay: That's what people say when something's dead.
Gloria: Okay, fine. I took him to a farm where he has plenty of room to run.
Jay: That's the second thing people say when something's dead.
Gloria: My hairdresser's brother has three kids. They live in the country. They were so happy to have the dog that they gave me a jar of pickles. Is that also what they say when something is dead?

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Mom, the dog again.
Gloria: I know, papi. I want to strangle that crazy old thing.
Jay: Just ignore it.
Gloria: It's easy for you to ignore because you have the old-man hearing. But Manny and I, we have the young ears.
Jay: I don't get how one dog keeps you awake when you grew up sleeping through cockfights and revolutions.
Gloria: Very funny, Jay.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [on the phone] I just realized all of Lily's friends are going to school this year and now she's late.
Claire: Don't worry. She can wait another year. Just buy her a BlackBerry. That's all she's gonna want to do anyway.
Cameron: What did she say?
Mitchell: She says to buy her a BlackBerry.
Cameron: Lily doesn't have the dexterity for that, Claire. What is happening?

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Your dog doesn't stop barking all morning, all night. He wakes my son up, and he needs his sleep.
Larry: It's not my dog. It's my soon-to-be ex-wife's. She moved out three weeks ago.
Jay: Is she coming back for it?
Larry: Not unless it starts crapping money.
Gloria: Well, you need to do something about the dog.
Larry: The dog is old and stupid.
Manny: Who are you really mad at, Larry the dog or your wife?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay, don't go. Jay! Jay! Jay! [car alarm goes off, dog barsks]

Quote from Haley

Haley: How am I supposed to talk to my friends?
Claire: Talk to them at school.
Phil: Or at a juice bar.
Claire: Or on the house phone.
Alex: Nobody even knows our number.
Haley: I don't even know our number.

Quote from Phil

Phil: You know what? We're gonna make this fun, turn it into a game. Whoever stays unplugged the longest wins.
Claire: Not what I had in mind, Phil.
Alex: What do we win?
Phil: What do you want?
Alex: A new computer.
Phil: Done! We're gonna get them off of electronics with the promise of more electronics?
Luke: I want chicken pot pie.
Phil: And chicken.
Haley: I want a car.
Claire: No way!
Phil: Done!

Quote from Claire

Claire: No, no, no! Phil, we cannot afford a third car.
Phil: Relax. They're never gonna last as long as us.
Claire: Oh, honey, don't take this the wrong way but I have almost no faith in you.

Quote from Gloria

Larry: The dog is gone.
Jay: Maybe it ran away.
Larry: It was chained to a tree.
Gloria: Maybe your wife took it.
Larry: According to my credit card, my wife is in Europe searching for the world's most expensive hotel.
Jay: Then what do you want from us?
Larry: You come over complaining about the dog. And the next day it's gone? You tell me.
Jay: I'll tell-
Gloria: How dare you? You come to our house, you ring our bell many times and you accuse us of taking your dog!
Jay: You should go home.
Larry: We're not done here.
Jay: Yes, we are. [closes door. To Gloria:] What did you do?
Gloria: You don't want to know.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Hey, Mom. I need a bar of soap and a black marker for an art project.
Claire: Okay, well, the marker's over there, and the soap is under the sink. Isn't it great how much time you have now that you're not wasting it online?
Haley: Oh, my God. Is this what you always sound like?

Quote from Luke

Luke: [answering phone] Hey, Griffin. Oh, my God. [hangs up]
Claire: What happened?
Luke: There's a parasailing donkey video on YouTube.
Phil: Oh, my God!
Claire: Wait. Luke, what about the contest?
Luke: I quit. I'm not made of stone, you know.

Quote from Alex

Alex: I can't believe it. I got a "B" on my paper.
Phil: Good for you.
Claire: Yeah.
Alex: No, it would be good for you. It's terrible for me. Thanks to your moldy encyclopedias my take on mitosis was completely out-of-date. They don't even call it protoplasm anymore. It's cytoplasm.
Claire: Well, you could have asked one of us.
Alex: Now you're making jokes?
Claire: I'm not making a joke.
Alex: Really? What's the difference between a gamete and a zygote?
Phil: Don't fall for it, Claire. She's just making up words.
Claire: Huh.
Alex: That's it. I need the Internet. I'm out of your stupid contest.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Hmm. And then there were three.
Phil: She's kind of scary.
Claire: We're not buying her a car.

Quote from Cameron

Claire: [on the phone] Well, just so you know, I don't think Wagon Wheel's gonna hold a place for you.
Mitchell: Well, I think we're gonna take our chance.
Cameron: Take our chance? That sounds chancy.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [on the phone] You know, Mitchell, you were the one who called me in a panic. You were the one who needed me to get you in.
Mitchell: I'm sorry, Claire. I didn't mean to put you out. But let's not get too dramatic. You wrote an e-mail.
Claire: It wasn't an e-mail. It was a phone call from a landline.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Really, Claire?
Claire: You don't understand. I was trying to deal with our plane tickets to visit your family.
Phil: Please stop. You're just embarrassing yourself.
Haley: Well, it looks like it's just you and me, old man.
Phil: Bring it.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: This place is amazing.
Mitchell: I told you.
Cameron: It's like Hogwarts!
Mitchell: The, uh the ladybug sanctuary.
Cameron: Oh, my gosh. The little cobblestones.
Mitchell: So sweet, I know.
Cameron: Screw the duckies. We belong here. Do you think they're gonna let us in?
Mitchell: Cam, relax. We're queer. We're here.

Quote from Phil

Phil: No, no, no, no!
Claire: What is it?
Phil: Brady's injured. No! He's my whole team. I have to change my roster.
Claire: Honey, if you can't do it over the phone, you can't do it. Because we're not buying Haley a car.

Quote from Phil

Haley: So, what are you saying?
Phil: Uh... Um...
Claire: You're not getting a car.
Haley: But I won.
Phil: Yes, but we never thought you would.
Haley: So?
Claire: So Congratulations on your victory. Nobody can ever take that away from you.
Phil: So true.
Haley: But I spent two days in my room, talking to a bar of soap. It's not fair.
Phil: It's totally not fair.
Claire: We're outraged.
Phil: Bad parenting.
Haley: But we had a deal.
Phil: Which, in hindsight, was utter nonsense.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You still mad at me?
Gloria: You tell me. What is this?
Jay: I've been thinking. If you said as much about America as I said about Colombia I'd be plenty ticked off. Doesn't make up for everything, but...
Gloria: A trip to Colombia?
Jay: I wanna see your village, learn your culture. I love you. I'm sure I'm gonna love where you come from.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Manny hasn't been able to sleep in weeks. It's screwing his brain for school, and it doesn't stop. It's goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on!
Jay: Yes! That could be annoying.
Gloria: That's it. I'm going over there.
Jay: Gloria, now don't go starting something. Because whenever you do, I'm the one that- That she couldn't hear.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: They're gone. Cam. All the children are gone.
Cameron: What children?
Mitchell: I was running in the park, and I noticed that none of the kids Lily usually plays with were there.
Cameron: Well, it's still early.
Mitchell: But then I ran into Lori.
Cameron: Boobs Lori or adult braces Lori?
Mitchell: Great shoes Lori.
Cameron: Oh, I like her.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: She said that they all sent their kids to preschool.
Cameron: What? We agreed to wait till next year.
Mitchell: It was a fake-out to make sure that their kids got a spot.
Cameron: Those skinny bitches.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Hey. Here you go. Guys, breakfast. Guys? Phil. Hello. [flicks Phil on the forehead]
Phil: Totally with you. Kids, put your dishes in the dishwasher.
Claire: Okay, no. That's it. Everybody, gadgets down. Now!

Quote from Phil

Haley: Why are you freaking out?
Claire: Because you're all so involved with your little gizmos nobody is even talking.
Families are supposed to talk. What are you doing that's so important?
Phil: Oh, I'm locking in my fantasy roster. I'm unbeatable. We're totally getting an aboveground pool.
Luke: Die, stupid! Die!
Claire: Luke, I told you to put that down. Now.
Phil: Come on, buddy.
Luke: One second. I'm about to beat Dad's record.
Phil: You heard your mother.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [answering phone] Hello.
Mitchell: Hey, it's me. What's a good preschool?
Claire: Our kids went to Wagon Wheel.
Mitchell: And it was good? You liked it?
Claire: Well, you know, my kids are middle-management material at best. We didn't want to waste a lot of money. Yes, Mitchell, it's good. Why the interest?

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Buenos di­as. Hi. We haven't formally met. I'm Gloria Pritchett from next door.
Larry: Larry Paulson. Yeah, I've seen you. Lucky guy.
Jay: Wait a minute, then tell me.


 Episode 204 Episode 206