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‘Unplugged’ Quotes

Modern Family: Unplugged

205. Unplugged

Aired October 20, 2010

After Claire encourages her family to put down their gadgets, Phil turns it into a contest. When a barking dog keeps Gloria up at night, she takes matters into her own hands. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron try to get Lily into a prestigious pre-school.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Why didn't you just tell me this in the first place?
Gloria: Ay, like you would be okay with me stealing a dog.
Jay: No.
Gloria: Exactly. That's why I didn't tell you. Now the dog is happy, Manny can sleep, and we have pickles.
Jay: Okay, it worked out this time, but don't forget that stealing is against the law. Now maybe in Colombia-
Gloria: Ah, here we go. Because in Colombia, we trip over goats and we kill people in the street. Do you know how offensive that is? Like we're Peruvians!

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Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [affected accent] The tribe elders foretold that though I lay with fire-haired man, the giving hawk would bring us baby with her skin the color of sweet corn, which my people call maize.
Mitchell: Okay. Please stop.
Mr. Plympton: Well, uh-
Cameron: Knowledge is her sustenance. Like so much maize which, you'll remember, means corn.
Mitchell: What if I was a single dad?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: We have got to get her into school, or else she's gonna fall behind.
Cameron: Don't you think I know that?
Mitchell: This is perfect. Leave it to the gays to raise the only underachieving Asian in America.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Gloria's grandfather and uncles were butchers so she's always had a certain comfort level when it comes to... killing. One time, we had this rat. It was like nothing to her. She left the head out there to send a message to the other rats.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: What did you do?
Mitchell: What's best for Lily.
Cameron: Did you?
Mitchell: This is the first time being gay is a competitive advantage. They're choosing teams for gym class, and we're finally getting picked first.
Cameron: I always got picked first. I could throw a dodgeball through a piece of plywood. But I see your point.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Disabled interracial lesbians with an African kicker?
Mitchell: Did not see that coming.

Quote from Haley

Alex: What's going on?
Phil: I'll tell you what's going on. I win. Nobody gets a car, I dump Tom Brady and our long Amish nightmare is over.
Claire: I can't believe you thought you were gonna put one over on us.
Haley: I can't believe that he's actually already on the Internet.
Phil: Believe it, girl.
Haley: So you're actually online right now?
Phil: Yep.
Haley: Well, then I hate to break it to you, Daddy but you lose. [laughing]
Phil: What?
Haley: This isn't my phone. I carved it out of a bar of soap and colored it in with a marker.
Claire: Phil, she carved a telephone out of a bar of soap.
Haley: I can't believe that I'm getting a car!
Phil: Holy crap. We've been Shawshanked.

Quote from Cameron

Mr. Plympton: Many of our applicants are attorneys.
Mitchell: Of course.
Mr. Plympton: What sets you apart?
Mitchell: Um, well, I...
Cameron: [affected accent] Well, my white-man name is Tucker. I am 1/16th Cherokee. Ready for child to soar like eagle.
Mitchell: Oh, God.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to my camera] No way he's going to my village. I was in two car accidents when I was living there. Both times, I hit a goat. One was hurt pretty bad. But it was a good thing I had a shovel in the trunk.

Quote from Haley

Alex: I have a huge science paper due.
Claire: And we have a great set of encyclopedias somewhere. What do you think the public library is for?
Haley: I thought that was the bathroom for homeless people.

Quote from Cameron

Stephanie: Hi. I'm Stephanie Kaner, and this is Jafar. And we have an interview with Mr. Plympton.
Receptionist: Wonderful. These two are first.
Mitchell: Single white mother. Black child.
Cameron: So what? Lily's Asian. We're gay. In the school admissions poker game, we're the winning hand.
Stephanie: Oh, honey, sorry. My partner, Kavita.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: We hated Billingsley.
Cameron: The place is so stupid.
Claire: You blew the interview, didn't you?
Mitchell: Lesbians.
Cameron: In a wheelchair.
Claire: Oh.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Mom, the dog again.
Gloria: I know, papi. I want to strangle that crazy old thing.
Jay: Just ignore it.
Gloria: It's easy for you to ignore because you have the old-man hearing. But Manny and I, we have the young ears.
Jay: I don't get how one dog keeps you awake when you grew up sleeping through cockfights and revolutions.
Gloria: Very funny, Jay.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [on the phone] I just realized all of Lily's friends are going to school this year and now she's late.
Claire: Don't worry. She can wait another year. Just buy her a BlackBerry. That's all she's gonna want to do anyway.
Cameron: What did she say?
Mitchell: She says to buy her a BlackBerry.
Cameron: Lily doesn't have the dexterity for that, Claire. What is happening?

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Your dog doesn't stop barking all morning, all night. He wakes my son up, and he needs his sleep.
Larry: It's not my dog. It's my soon-to-be ex-wife's. She moved out three weeks ago.
Jay: Is she coming back for it?
Larry: Not unless it starts crapping money.
Gloria: Well, you need to do something about the dog.
Larry: The dog is old and stupid.
Manny: Who are you really mad at, Larry the dog or your wife?

Quote from Gloria

Larry: Who the hell is this kid?
Jay: There's no need for that.
Gloria: I'll tell you who he is. His name is Shut Up Your Damn Dog!
Larry: You know what's ironic? You come over here complaining and I have never once said a word about that obnoxious parrot of yours that's always squawking.
Jay: Parrot?
Gloria: What parrot?
[montage:]
Gloria: Jay! Jay! Jay!

Quote from Phil

Claire: We have called this family meeting because the personal electronics have gotten out of control. Starting today, there's going to be a one-week ban on all cell phones Texting, I.M.'ing video chatting, video gaming, anything on the Internet.
Alex: How am I supposed to do my homework?
Claire: The way I did.
Phil: With a chisel and a piece of stone.
Claire: Phil.
Phil: Can't unplug my funny bone.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Can I still play Plants Versus Zombies? Are you not listening? But you learn about plants. And plants are life. Are you against life?

Quote from Phil

Alex: What about fantasy football?
Phil: Not a problem. My team's set this week. I am completely on board your mother's horse and buggy to yesteryear. For the next week, I may as well be Amish Jebediah Dunphy. Raisin' barns, witnessin' murders, makin' electric fireplace hearths.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Did you see the duckies in the yard? Lily loves duckies.
Mitchell: I know.
Cameron: I'm gonna mention that.
Mitchell: Well, do. Because that's really gonna set her apart from the rest of the kids.
Cameron: We should also mention how she always perks up when we watch Charlie Rose.
Mitchell: That was one time. He was interviewing Elmo.

Quote from Cameron

Nikki: You boys ought to relax.
Mitchell: Oh, I'm sorry. We just- We really want to make a good impression.
Nikki: Hmm. Gay adoptive parents with a minority baby? Sugars, you can get into any school you want.
Mitchell: I'm sorry. Really?
Nikki: Oh, you didn't know that? Oh, yeah. All of these schools like to brag about their diversity. You're diverse times three. In demand. You're like Jimmy Buffett tickets to these hybrid-driving, straight white folks.
Cameron: I hear that, girl.
Nikki: Yeah.

Quote from Phil

Claire: How was your day at work?
Phil: Amazing.
Claire: Great. What happened?
Phil: Instead of wasting my lunch hour surfing the Web, checking football stats I put on some mellow music and I meditated.
Claire: Wow. For how long?
Phil: I have no idea. I just woke up 20 minutes ago.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Look what I built, Dad. Dunphy Towers. 200 condos, a happy family in every one.
Phil: Way to go, buddy. I gotta hand it to you, honey. Twenty-four hours without video games he's already contributing to society.
Luke: [knocking cans over] Die! Die!
Claire: To be fair, he's using his imagination.
Luke: [high-pitched voice] "There's no fire escapes! They cut corners!" I'll cut your corners!

Quote from Manny

Jay: Hey, buddy. What you reading?
Manny: The Old Man and the Sea.
Jay: You like it?
Manny: I like that Hemingway gets to the point.
Jay: You read a lot of his stuff?
Manny: That was a hint, Jay.

Quote from Manny

Jay: I wanna ask you something, between you and me.
Manny: You wanna know if I think my mom did something to that dog.
Jay: Yeah.
Manny: Sit.
Jay: Don't most kids drink soda?
Manny: [sips espresso] Who knows what they do?

Quote from Manny

Jay: So. Your mom.
Manny: Jay, I have learned a few things in my 12 years. Don't skimp on linens. Don't compliment a teacher on her figure. And when it comes to my mom never ask questions I don't want the answers to.
Jay: I don't buy it. A sensitive kid like you I think you want to know every bit as much as I do.
Manny: You're wrong.
Jay: Then why is your hand shaking?
Manny: This is my fifth one of these today. I-I may have a problem.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Since when do you call me your "life partner"?
Mitchell: Since a spot opened up at Billingsley Academy.
Cameron: But I like Wagon Wheel. It had all the duckies. And it reminded me of where I went in Missouri.
Mitchell: Cam, everyone goes to Billingsley for a reason. It's the Harvard of preschools.
Cameron: She's not even two years old yet. She doesn't need the Harvard of preschools. She needs finger painting and duckies.
Mitchell: I'm begging you to please just say "ducks."

Quote from Manny

Jay: Ah! Don't sneak up on me like that. What are you doing out here?
Manny: You got in my head about my mom. Is that the rat shovel?
Jay: Yeah.
Manny: Are you checking it for signs of dog?
Jay: I was going to.
Manny: Well, let's do this quick. If she catches us, we're as dead as that dog probably is.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: What are you doing here?
Jay: Nothing.
Gloria: Why are you looking at that shovel? Do you think someone did something with that shovel, Manny?
Manny: He thinks you killed the dog!
Jay: You little rat.
Manny: Don't call me a rat! She kills rats!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: You really think that I would kill a dog?
Jay: Well, what was I supposed to think?
Gloria: I don't know. How about I didn't kill a dog?
Jay: Just tell me what you did with it.
Gloria: He's in a better place.
Jay: That's what people say when something's dead.
Gloria: Okay, fine. I took him to a farm where he has plenty of room to run.
Jay: That's the second thing people say when something's dead.
Gloria: My hairdresser's brother has three kids. They live in the country. They were so happy to have the dog that they gave me a jar of pickles. Is that also what they say when something is dead?


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