Jay: Why didn't you just tell me this in the first place?
Gloria: Ay, like you would be okay with me stealing a dog.
Jay: No.
Gloria: Exactly. That's why I didn't tell you. Now the dog is happy, Manny can sleep, and we have pickles.
Jay: Okay, it worked out this time, but don't forget that stealing is against the law. Now maybe in Colombia-
Gloria: Ah, here we go. Because in Colombia, we trip over goats and we kill people in the street. Do you know how offensive that is? Like we're Peruvians!

Cameron: [affected accent] The tribe elders foretold that though I lay with fire-haired man, the giving hawk would bring us baby with her skin the color of sweet corn, which my people call maize.
Mitchell: Okay. Please stop.
Mr. Plympton: Well, uh-
Cameron: Knowledge is her sustenance. Like so much maize which, you'll remember, means corn.
Mitchell: What if I was a single dad?

Mitchell: We have got to get her into school, or else she's gonna fall behind.
Cameron: Don't you think I know that?
Mitchell: This is perfect. Leave it to the gays to raise the only underachieving Asian in America.

Jay: [aside to camera] Gloria's grandfather and uncles were butchers so she's always had a certain comfort level when it comes to... killing. One time, we had this rat. It was like nothing to her. She left the head out there to send a message to the other rats.

Gloria: [aside to my camera] No way he's going to my village. I was in two car accidents when I was living there. Both times, I hit a goat. One was hurt pretty bad. But it was a good thing I had a shovel in the trunk.

Cameron: What did you do?
Mitchell: What's best for Lily.
Cameron: Did you?
Mitchell: This is the first time being gay is a competitive advantage. They're choosing teams for gym class, and we're finally getting picked first.
Cameron: I always got picked first. I could throw a dodgeball through a piece of plywood. But I see your point.

Cameron: [aside to camera] Disabled interracial lesbians with an African kicker?
Mitchell: Did not see that coming.

Alex: What's going on?
Phil: I'll tell you what's going on. I win. Nobody gets a car, I dump Tom Brady and our long Amish nightmare is over.
Claire: I can't believe you thought you were gonna put one over on us.
Haley: I can't believe that he's actually already on the Internet.
Phil: Believe it, girl.
Haley: So you're actually online right now?
Phil: Yep.
Haley: Well, then I hate to break it to you, Daddy but you lose. [laughing]
Phil: What?
Haley: This isn't my phone. I carved it out of a bar of soap and colored it in with a marker.
Claire: Phil, she carved a telephone out of a bar of soap.
Haley: I can't believe that I'm getting a car!
Phil: Holy crap. We've been Shawshanked.

Mr. Plympton: Many of our applicants are attorneys.
Mitchell: Of course.
Mr. Plympton: What sets you apart?
Mitchell: Um, well, I...
Cameron: [affected accent] Well, my white-man name is Tucker. I am 1/16th Cherokee. Ready for child to soar like eagle.
Mitchell: Oh, God.

Alex: I have a huge science paper due.
Claire: And we have a great set of encyclopedias somewhere. What do you think the public library is for?
Haley: I thought that was the bathroom for homeless people.