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‘The Prescott’ Quotes

Modern Family: The Prescott

1110. The Prescott

Aired January 8, 2020

Alex’s new company is putting her up at a new luxury apartment with full amenities and a list of high-profile residents that the family is eager to take advantage of, without her knowing. Phil is on a mission to review the restaurant’s famous sliders for his food blog, while Mitch and Cam sneak in separately to meet its most famous resident, David Beckham. Meanwhile, Luke and Manny head straight for the gym to try and pick up on older women and end up in some hot water with a few of the residents.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Avoiding the security robot would be tricky, but Finley had a weakness... he can only detect people if they're moving. And it was worth the risk... Pardon claimed to have the world's best beef slider, and my... my followers are dying for a review. Well, all but one. I have a troll. Screen name "Close to Utlaw," wherever that is. We recently got into a... a heated comment war. Insults were hurled, mothers disparaged. Who knew the Internet could be so negative?

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Quote from Manny

Jay: [aside to camera] Recently, I got a special edition Blu-ray of the best movie ever made, "Lawrence of Arabia." Word is, The Prescott has a state-of-the-art screening room with surround sound. Know what it doesn't have? Manny.
[flashback:]
Manny: Hello! I would've gone with a tracking shot there. I sure hope he finds a plot out there in that desert.

Quote from Jay

Higgins: Behold, our famous candy wall.
Jay: Hey, Sugar Babies.
Higgins: Yes, honey buns?
Jay: No, Sugar Babies. The greatest movie candy of all time.
Higgins: A thousand apologies. I will track some down for you straight away.
Jay: You wouldn't mind?
Higgins: Mind? Please. There is no greater joy than fetching something I've never heard of for someone I've only just met.

Quote from Cameron

Higgins: May I help you with something?
Cameron: Oh. Uh, no, I'm just... I'm waiting for someone.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: And his name is David Beckham. Resident at The Prescott. Okay, Mitchell hates it when I do this, but every time I meet a celebrity, I ask them to record my outgoing message. My current one is from when I saw Snoop Dogg at a bank.
[plays message:]
Cameron: Sorry I missed you. As you can see...
Snoop Dogg: I'm busy!
Cameron: And sometimes things can...
Snoop Dogg: Get away from me!
Cameron: Please leave a message, including your phone number, just for...
Snoop Dogg: Security!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I was not gonna let Cam ruin my chance to thank my wallpaper, Victoria Beckham, one-on-one. Okay, so, it was 1997. I was in Detroit for a Spice Girls concert with my girlfriend. I was going to propose to her, had the ring in my pocket and everything, when from the stage, Posh looked right at me and said, [British accent] "Be true to yourself, Mitchell!" [normal voice] Okay, you know, she might've said "Michigan," but she was looking right at me! She inspired me to come out that night. I had that diamond reset as an anklet charm, and I was off to the races.

Quote from Luke

Luke: What kind of gym bag is that, anyway?
Manny: It's a satchel, you ignorant sneeze.
Luke: You have been so unpleasant lately.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: On a definitely related note, Manny hasn't gotten any action in months. Well, other than whatever gave him carpal tunnel. Luckily, The Prescott has an '80s aerobi-cise class, which will be full of single older ladies. Women hit a sweet spot right after 40 where they still look great but their standards have lowered.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Some moron food blogger took a shot at one of my favorite spots. So I go after him using my screen name, "Closet Outlaw." It escalates, and he turns his army of followers against me. As I wrote in my last comment... "Let's see how well my fist pairs with your face."

Quote from Luke

Luke: Still no sign of the ladies.
Manny: Maybe they're in a different cabana. Mine's here.
Luke: Let's wait for the blonde. I only know how to do this with even numbers.

Quote from Phil

Higgins: It looks like you're finished with the slider?
Phil: I am, and can I be honest? I prefer bigger buns.
Higgins: It's wonderful to just talk like men sometimes, isn't it?
Phil: It is.

Quote from Manny

Manny: This one's from me. The ribboning isn't my best... I have carpal tunnel.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [aside to camera] My new company is putting me up at The Prescott, a luxury residence with full amenities. I admit, this extravagant lifestyle can make me a little uncomfortable. [getting a foot massage] Gentle, Marta!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Alex, you should know that a crook works at the hair salon downstairs... Adolfo of Venice.
Manny: Isn't he the colorist to the stars?
Jay: Thank you for asking even though I know you know.
Gloria: I hate him. Adolfo of Venice is actually Alan Carpman of Bakersfield. We started as hairdressers together, but he stole my hair dye formula.
Phil: For a family of generally lovely people, we sure have a lot of rivals.

Quote from Phil

Phil: And don't we get a tour of the building? This place has everything. Um, an archery range, a shark tank, a... a Westworld?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I need to run to the mall. Would you pick up some steaks from the farmers market for tonight?
Cameron: Oh, so you did remember it's date night. I was a little worried after your response to my Paperless Post.
Mitchell: Oh, come on. You know my maybes always turn into will attends.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Aww. When was the last time that you and I cooked a romantic dinner together?
Jay: We did it last week.
Gloria: I'm not talking about sprinkling hot dog slices on a DiGiorno's.
Jay: [to the valet] You couldn't bring my car before I got in trouble?

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I've been secretly moonlighting as an online food blogger, "Foodie in a Hoodie"... it rhymes on the page. I've quickly developed a huge following, and The Prescott is home to the city's hottest restaurant, called Pardon.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hello.
Higgins: Ah, good day, sir. Forgive me. I'm new here. Still getting to know each of the tenants. I'm your concierge, Higgins.
Phil: You look so familiar. Have we met?
Higgins: 'Fraid not, no. I do get that a lot, though. I have an everyman face and body.
Phil: [notices the robot next to him] They're rising.
Higgins: Ah, yes, Finley. Patrols the building for non-residents using a motion sensor and face scanner. Useful, yes, but does he have that uniquely human ability to anticipate a person's every need? Coconut water?
Phil: I didn't even know I wanted this!
Higgins: Finley, away!

Quote from Phil

Higgins: Anything else I can help you with, sir?
Phil: Uh... no. I'm just headed down to the restaurant.
Higgins: [French accent] Pardon?
Phil: Your... in-house eatery.
Higgins: Pardon?
Phil: You know... uh, waiters, cutlery, daily specials. I think it's called Pardon.
Higgins: Of course. My mistake.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [answers phone] Hey, sweetie, what's up? I'm... I'm kind of busy.
Mitchell: Cam, I'm hurt. It's my leg.
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: I slipped in the food court, and I'm all sticky and tweens are laughing at me. You have to come pick me up.

Quote from Luke

Luke: You're in pretty good shape for someone who's... 42? 43?
Woman: I'm 38.
Luke: Bye.

Quote from Manny

Luke: Did you see the two friends in the back? The blond one liked me, and the brunette kept staring at you.
Manny: Can you blame her? No one moves to "Caribbean Queen" like me.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] I am known as the fearless one of the family. So, when Claire gave us all free passes for the Fun Town Water Park next week, I couldn't admit that I am afraid of slides. They go so fast, I feel like I'm going to fly off. I just need to try it once and I am going to be fine.
[cut to:]
Gloria: I cannot do it!
Boy: Hey, no backsies!
Gloria: [groans] Okay, here I go! [screams] You should have let me do backsies!

Quote from Jay

Higgins: Your Sugar Babies, sir.
Jay: I hope it wasn't too much trouble.
Higgins: On the contrary. There was a Mexican birthday celebration taking place in the park across the street. I waited for the crack of the piñata, mixed in seamlessly with the children, and pounced.

Quote from Phil

Waiter: Ready to order?
Phil: Very. I came to this restaurant for one thing and one thing only. [Phil falls silent as Finley the robot approaches]
Waiter: And that thing is...? [Finley turns away]
Phil: Sorry. Uh, one of your world fa... [Finley turns back]
Waiter: One of our world's fattest hot dogs coming up. [Finley turns away]
Phil: No! The... The slider. [Finley turns back]
Waiter: And how would you like it?
Phil: Me...
Waiter: Yes, you, sir. [Finley turns away]
Phil: ...dium rare. And can you have it delivered to the pool, please? [walks away, avoiding the robot]

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [on the phone] Hey, you here at the mall?
Mitchell: No, not yet.
Cameron: Why are you breathing so hard?
Mitchell: Oh, um, a bunch of kids were vaping next to me, and I had to army-crawl into a-a candle store. Yeah. Is there anything you want while I'm here?
Cameron: Can I tell you what I want, what I really, really want?
Mitchell: You're watching me right now, aren't you? Oh... Cam, okay, look. I was hoping I'd run into Posh here at the gym for a private moment, okay?
Cameron: Look, we're both after the Beckhams. Let's come up with a plan together... Meet me at the swim-up bar.
Mitchell: There's a swim-up bar?!
Cameron: I know, we should be living here and Alex should be living in our stupid house.

Quote from Gloria

Higgins: A spot of bother, I see?
Gloria: I can't do it!
Higgins: Oh, of course you can. I'll just crawl in front of you so you can grab me around the waist. I apologize in advance for any giggling. I'm cursed with the tickle gene.

Quote from Phil

Phil: What's going on?
Man: Someone's stuck on the slide. She tried to climb back down, but...
Phil: No backsies, I get it.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Higgins! Hey, hey. Um, listen... I need your help getting my hands on the slider.
Higgins: The slider? Oh, of course. Quite a looker, that one.
Phil: Well, that's the problem... so far, I've only been able to look and not taste.
Higgins: Say no more. I shall find a way to deliver the slider to you.
Phil: Great! Um, is there somewhere private where I could enjoy the slider alone?
Higgins: Might I suggest one of our rooftop hot tubs overlooking the city?
Phil: Perfect, I'll wait there. And I'll... I'll need a bib... I can make a mess.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Hi, Higgins. We have a bit of an unusual request.
Mitchell: Now, we know you need to be discreet, but... we are hoping to have a rendezvous with a certain distinguished Brit.
Cameron: Hmm?
Higgins: Consider it arranged.

Quote from Cameron

Higgins: Here we are, then.
Cameron: Higgins, what are you doing?!
Higgins: Oh, role play. I know I am but a lowly stable boy, unwanted in the master's quarters, but... perhaps you'd like to teach me a lesson? Just stay away from the face.
Mitchell: Uh, obviously there's been some sort of misunderstanding.
Cameron: Yeah, do we look like the kind of people that would be into some sort of weird role play involving a stable boy? I'm assuming he's been naughty and would do anything to keep his job.
Mitchell: Cam... Cam?
Higgins: In my defense, I do get this request quite often. Particularly around the holidays.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Hi. I know that you and I aren't supposed to be here, but after today, I am tired of living a life of fear.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Was Gloria Claire's brunette surprise?
[back:]
Gloria: It all started when Claire gave me a free pass to Fun Town. I thought, just try it today. Take a ride, see how it feels. Oh. I never noticed how sexy your feet are.
Phil: Thank you, but this isn't happening, Gloria!
Gloria: [screams]

Quote from Luke

Courteney Cox: Oh, there you are. Sorry we missed you at the bowling alley.
Luke: She looked different with a headband on.
Courteney Cox: Warming up in a hot tub first... Unconventional, but, hey, anything to loosen up Becks.
Manny: Did we meet a Becky?
Luke: Maybe. There were so many of them. So, how old is this Becks?
Courteney Cox: 44.
Luke: It's on.
David Beckham: Oh, there you are.
Manny: Wait... you're Becks?
David Beckham: Yep, and I'm eager to learn. A warning... my form is clumsy, but I'm great on my feet.
[later:]
Luke: Okay, who gets the dude? ... Fine, I'll take him. But we're just gonna hang out and see where it goes.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Jay, what are you doing here?
Jay: I've spent the whole day looking for that miserable... You're the Foodie in a Who-dy?!
Phil: W-Why would you say that?
Jay: [sniffs] Ketchup!
Phil: I'm trying, but I'm lost!
Jay: You insulted my mother!
Phil: Oh, my God. You're Close to Utlaw?!
Jay: It's Closet Outlaw!
Phil: Jay, I don't blame you for being mad. I-I turned my legions of fans against you, and, uh... It's Foodie in a Hoodie, by... by the way. But you got a bigger problem at home that I just heard about, and I think I can help you with it.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Claire?
Claire: Oh! Gloria. I can't believe you recognized me. I'm so sorry about my hair.
Gloria: I'm so glad that we can finally talk about it. Grow it out, let yourself be a girl.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, if you don't like my hair, I can change it.
Phil: What? I love it.
Claire: Maybe next week I can arrange a little rendezvous with a redhead.
Phil: O-Okay.

Quote from Cameron

David Beckham: I'm glad we cleared that up. I can't wait for my bowling lesson with you.
Courteney Cox: Oh, my God. Foot-y in a Hoodie was here today.
Mitchell: Ah, you're great. When does Posh get here?
Cameron: And I apologize for being late. You know, I-I left a message.
David Beckham: I'm sorry I missed your call.
Cameron: [holding phone out] Can you say that one more time?

Quote from Alex

Alex: Um... So, I got a few incidental charges from yesterday. $200 for Sugar Baby procurements.
Jay: Sorry.
Alex: Eight sliders and one coconut water?
Phil: He charged me for that?
Alex: $300 for a slide rescue. $40 fine for the non-wiping of stationary bike.
Mitchell: I barely sweat.
Claire: You're sweating right now.
Alex: A $150 fine for the non-return of leg warmers. And eight $100 Westworld entry fees?
Gloria: [gasps] Oh, my God. We left Cam there!
Phil: Oh, no!


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