Jay: [aside to camera] The key to being a good dad? Look, sometimes things work out just the way you want. Sometimes they don't. You got to hang in there. Because when all is said and done, 90% of being a dad is just showin' up.

Cameron: So, you seen any m-movies lately?
Danielle: Uh, yeah. You know, my husband and I just rented, uh, "Mamma Mia," which I liked, but I don't know that Meryl Streep was the right choice. What did you think?
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Excuse me. Meryl Streep could play Batman and be the right choice. She's perfection. Whether she's divorcing Kramer, whether she's wearing Prada. Don't even get me started on "Sophie's Choice." I get emotional thinking about it. She couldn't forgive herself. [whimpers]

Jay: [aside to camera] Manny thinks his dad is like Superman. The truth? He's a total flake. In fact, the only way he's like Superman Is that they both landed in this country illegally.

Gloria: [aside to camera] Manny's father is taking him for a couple of days to Disneyland, so we're gonna go to the wine country!
Jay: We're gonna drink some wine, eat some good food. You know, we would do something like this a lot more often if it wasn't for, you know, Manny.
Gloria: It's good. He keeps us grounded.
Jay: Yeah. Like fog at airport.

Gloria: You're supposed to do it with him. It's important that we teach him how to do things for himself. In my culture, men take great pride in doing physical labor.
Jay: I know. That's why I hire people from your culture.
Gloria: [laughs] You're so funny! I'm gonna share that one with my next husband when we're spending all your money.

Cameron: [sobbing] She couldn't forgive herself. And... she had to choose. And I think because now I have- We have- We have l- We have Lily, it's so hard to imagine being put in that position. If I had to choose Lily or Mitchell, I mean, I would choose l- I don't know! I just- I don't know! I don't know! I don't know!

Phil: So, to teach him a lesson, I took his bike. And then, crazy thing, I put it down for one minute, and someone swiped it from me.
Bike Salesman: Maybe that was your dad teaching you a lesson.
Phil: [forced laughter] Zinger! So any chance I could get a break on this one?
Bike Salesman: I can throw in a bell.
Phil: Deal.
Bike Salesman: For $5.
Phil: No, sir.
Bike Salesman: So, you want to go for the insurance this time, or is it still for suckers?
Phil: Ha ha! Got me again. Well played, m'lord. I will take some insurance.

Jay: [aside to camera] What's the key to being a great dad? That's a tough one.
[cut to:]
Cameron: Giving them the freedom to be whatever they want to be.
Mitchell: Right.
Cameron: Whether pilot, a president-
Mitchell: And for us, what we're gonna-
Cameron: Of a company or of a country.
Mitchell: Patience.

[to camera, in answer to the question "What's the key to being a great dad?"]
Phil: Well, be their buddy.
Claire: That's your answer?
Phil: And stay in school.
Claire: No.
Phil: And don't do drugs.
Claire: No!
Phil: Just give me the answer.
Claire: Oh, god.

Phil: [aside to camera] Sometimes a man's gotta put his foot down and do what a man's gotta do. And if the old lady don't like it... Honey? That's too damn bad.