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37Quotes from ‘The Bicycle Thief’

Modern Family: The Bicycle Thief

102. The Bicycle Thief

Aired September 30, 2009

Gloria pushes Jay to spend time with Manny, but they both have places they would rather be. When they start daycare classes with Lily, Mitchell wants Cameron to tone down his personality. Meanwhile, Phil insists Luke is ready for a bicycle of his own.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] The key to being a good dad? Look, sometimes things work out just the way you want. Sometimes they don't. You got to hang in there. Because when all is said and done, 90% of being a dad is just showin' up.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: So, you seen any m-movies lately?
Danielle: Uh, yeah. You know, my husband and I just rented, uh, "Mamma Mia," which I liked, but I don't know that Meryl Streep was the right choice. What did you think?
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Excuse me. Meryl Streep could play Batman and be the right choice. She's perfection. Whether she's divorcing Kramer, whether she's wearing Prada. Don't even get me started on "Sophie's Choice." I get emotional thinking about it. She couldn't forgive herself. [whimpers]

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Manny thinks his dad is like Superman. The truth? He's a total flake. In fact, the only way he's like Superman Is that they both landed in this country illegally.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: [aside to camera] Manny's father is taking him for a couple of days to Disneyland, so we're gonna go to the wine country!
Jay: We're gonna drink some wine, eat some good food. You know, we would do something like this a lot more often if it wasn't for, you know, Manny.
Gloria: It's good. He keeps us grounded.
Jay: Yeah. Like fog at airport.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: You're supposed to do it with him. It's important that we teach him how to do things for himself. In my culture, men take great pride in doing physical labor.
Jay: I know. That's why I hire people from your culture.
Gloria: [laughs] You're so funny! I'm gonna share that one with my next husband when we're spending all your money.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [sobbing] She couldn't forgive herself. And... she had to choose. And I think because now I have- We have- We have l- We have Lily, it's so hard to imagine being put in that position. If I had to choose Lily or Mitchell, I mean, I would choose l- I don't know! I just- I don't know! I don't know! I don't know!

Quote from Mitchell

Jay: [aside to camera] What's the key to being a great dad? That's a tough one.
[cut to:]
Cameron: Giving them the freedom to be whatever they want to be.
Mitchell: Right.
Cameron: Whether pilot, a president-
Mitchell: And for us, what we're gonna-
Cameron: Of a company or of a country.
Mitchell: Patience.

Quote from Phil

[to camera, in answer to the question "What's the key to being a great dad?"]
Phil: Well, be their buddy.
Claire: That's your answer?
Phil: And stay in school.
Claire: No.
Phil: And don't do drugs.
Claire: No!
Phil: Just give me the answer.
Claire: Oh, god.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Sometimes a man's gotta put his foot down and do what a man's gotta do. And if the old lady don't like it... Honey? That's too damn bad.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam, come on. Hurry up. We're gonna be late.
Cameron: It's a toddler play class, not a flight to cabo.
Mitchell: We're gonna be judged enough as the only gay parents there. I don't want to be the late ones, too. Wow. Paisley and pink. Was there something wrong with the fishnet tank top?
Cameron: Obviously not. I'm wearing it underneath. Kidding. Just chill, please.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I'm sorry. I just want to make a good first impression.
Cameron: You mean you want to fit in and not terrify the villagers?
Mitchell: No, hey, come on. Today is about Lily, all right? Her future best friend might be in that class, and I don't want to rub anyone the wrong way. Can you please just change your shirt?
Cameron: Fine. You know what? I'll just go put on a pair of khakis, maybe a polo shirt, and everybody will think we're a couple straight golfing buddies who just decided to have a kid together.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] In Colombia, there's a saying: if you have two stubborn burros that don't like each other, you tie them to the same cart. The ceiling fan is the cart.

Quote from Jay

Manny: My dad's taking me on space mountain. It's supposed to be really fast, but he's not scared of anything. He doesn't even wear a seat belt when he drives.
Jay: Wow. How about that?
Manny: He killed a bear once.
Jay: Really? Was the bear sitting in the passenger seat?

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Ten minutes after making a promise to me, he leaves his bike unlocked. All I can hear is Claire's voice in my head, [high-pitched] "He's not responsible. You never should have given him a bike." [normal voice] I know. I do a pretty good Claire. So I decided to teach him a lesson and let him think his bike was stolen. And I know that sounds kind of rough,but sometimes it's a dad's job to be the tough guy.

Quote from Mitchell

Helen: Seven months?
Mitchell: Uh, eight.
Helen: Oh! Is she grabbing or scooting yet?
Mitchell: Y- Yes, absolutely. I mean, when she's not grabbing, she is- She is scootin'.

Quote from Cameron

Danielle: Dance us in, Lily!
Cameron: Okay, I got this.
Mitchell: Cam, just-
Cameron: Yes, I know. Tamp down my natural gifts and dance like a straight guy.
Mitchell: No slapping your own butt.
Cameron: But that's how I make my horsey go.
[after a restrained dance:]
Cameron: Thank you.
Mitchell: That was very good.
Cameron: I feel dirty.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I mean, am I attracted to her? Yes. Would I ever act on it? No. No way. Not while my wife is still alive.

Quote from Phil

Phil: So, to teach him a lesson, I took his bike, And then, crazy thing, I put it down for one minute, and someone swiped it from me.
Bike Salesman: Maybe that was your dad teaching you a lesson.
Phil: [forced laughter] Zinger! So any chance I could get a break on this one?
Bike Salesman: I can throw in a bell.
Phil: Deal.
Bike Salesman: For $5.
Phil: No, sir.
Bike Salesman: So, you want to go for the insurance this time, or is it still for suckers?
Phil: Ha ha! Got me again. Well played, m'lord. I will take some insurance.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Makes me so happy to see my two boys working together.
Manny: Jay shocked himself twice.
Jay: Okay, Manny.
Manny: Well, I warned him.
Jay: Yep, he's been a big help.
Gloria: Look at you two with your private jokes already. You're a regular Salazar and El Oso.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: It's a very big comedy team in Colombia. El Oso is always hitting Salazar in the head with a ladder and things. And sometimes they wear dresses. They make you laugh, but they also make you think.

Quote from Phil

Luke: It's just a scratch, dad.
Phil: That's not the point, Luke- What?
Luke: I scratched it on my way into the driveway. I'm sorry.
Phil: So it's not stolen?
Luke: No. Why?
Phil: That's good, 'cause... there are bad people out there who would steal a bike. Those are thieves. You sit there and think about the scratch part. That's not good, either. [tripping] Gonna fix that step. So don't scratch anything while I'm gone. Unless it itches, that's different.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Whoa, Lily! Oh, not so high!
Danielle: Oh! That is a big moment for her.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Danielle: Would you like a videotape?
Mitchell: Uh, you know, I don't- I don't know if I can actually get her to do it again, so...
Danielle: Well, we tape all of our classes. We don't like parents bringing cameras in. It takes them out of the moment. I'll get you a copy after class.
Mitchell: That's super. Yeah. Thank you. [going to Cameron] Cam. Cam, let's go. I-I don't know what's happened to me, but I just stole a baby's intellectual property.
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: You'll see it tonight on the news. Let's just go.

Quote from Cameron

Danielle: Oh, look who's here, Anton and Scott!
Anton: Hi! Sorry we're late!
Scott: Don't look at me. The eye candy here can't leave the house without spending 20 minutes in front of the mirror. [laughter]
Cameron: Are you kidding me?
Mitchell: I am so sorry.
Cameron: Look at those queens. I would have killed with this crowd, but you had to clip my wings, which you used to be the wind beneath.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] His son's sitting on a curb, waiting to go to Disneyland, and Superman can't drag himself away from a craps table. And I'm the jerk.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Say, listen. I, uh... Sorry, but I got some bad news.
Manny: What?
Jay: Your Dad couldn't make it.
Manny: Why not?
Jay: The plane was full, and this old lady needed to get home, so he gave up his seat.
Manny: You're making that up, aren't you?
Jay: No.
Manny: He just didn't want to come.
Jay: Are you kidding me? He was very upset. He was dying to see you. In fact, look what he sent.
Manny: A limo?
Jay: Yeah! He wanted me and your mom to take you to Disneyland.
Manny: I told you he was an awesome dad.
Jay: Yeah, he's a prince.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Desiree just moved in down the block.
Phil: Fun. Where?
Desiree: 314.
Phil: Oh, the two-bedroom cottage with the indoor/outdoor family room.
Desiree: Very good. How did you-
Phil: Bet you're loving that steam shower.
Claire: Phil, that's creepy.
Phil: Oh, sorry. [laughs] I'm a real-estate mogul. What?! No, I am a real-estate agent. Um, we caravanned that house. Great, uh, deck.

Quote from Phil

Desiree: I'm just there till my divorce is final.
Phil: Now, who is coconuts enough to divorce you?
Claire: We got to go, but we'll see you around.
Phil: Well, we'll have to have you over sometime.
Desiree: I'd love it.
Phil: All right.
Desiree: Bye.
Phil: Bye. [to Claire] She's awesome.
Claire: No, we are never having her over. I heard she already slept with two dads from the school.
Phil: What? That's... horrible.

Quote from Phil

Phil: That still looks like a girl's bike.
Claire: Well, we'll add more black tape.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: My son has been riding his sister's old bike.
Claire: Until he's responsible enough to take care of his own bike. Look, he spilled a soda on my computer. He ruined our digital camera taking pictures of himself underwater.
Phil: It's a girl's bike. I'm all for teaching him a lesson, but I worry about the ridicule he might get from some loudmouth bully.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey. Nice bike, sally.
Claire: Dad!
Jay: Come on. He looks like little bo peep on that thing.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, I called that place in Napa and got us upgraded to a villa with a hot tub, so pack whatever you wear in a hot tub.
Gloria: I usually wear nothing when I'm in a hot tub.
Jay: And my college roommate's wife just had to get a new hip. [laughing] Sucker.

Quote from Phil

Phil: So, listen, buddy. Certain members of this family don't think you can take care of this bad boy.
Luke: You mean mom?
Phil: Your words, not mine. Look, uh, your mom and I are a team, And she- We feel like this is a chance for you to show some responsibility. Don't make us look like jerks here.
Luke: I won't.
Phil: Okay. One more rule.
Luke: What?
Phil: Have, like, three buttloads of fun.

Quote from Jay

Jay: So, let's do this.
Manny: Okay, but I need to be done by 3:00. That's when my Dad's picking me up.
Jay: Hey, if we're not done by 3:00, I'm gonna tie a noose on this thing.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I can't believe I'm so nervous.
Cameron: They're gonna love us. Let's just be ourselves.
Mitchell: Or a slightly toned-down version of ourselves. I just- I just don't want this to become an episode of "The Cam Show."
Cameron: Oh, my gosh, people love "The Cam Show."
Mitchell: Yes, I know.
Cameron: You watch "The Cam Show."
Mitchell: I do watch it.
Cameron: It's appointment viewing.

Quote from Cameron

Danielle: Everyone, we have a new family joining us today.
Mitchell: Hi. I'm, uh, I'm Mitchell, and I am a lawyer.
Cameron: I-I'm Cameron, and I'm currently not working, Which gives me more time to grill. And shoot baskets and-
Mitchell: And this is Lily.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] The good news is, luke has his bike. More good news, I taught some random kid a valuable lesson by stealing his bike. Best news, Claire knows nothing. So, I figure I'll just dump the new bike where I stole the first bike. That way, random kid gets his back, and this new bike doesn't raise a lot of embarrassing questions, like why I had it or who boosted who through a bedroom window. So, everybody's happy.

Quote from Manny

Manny: I think my arm is broken.
Jay: Relax. It's not broken.
Manny: How do you know? You don't know anything! You have no concern for safety.
Jay: Because it didn't hit you that hard.
Manny: Why don't you just say it? You don't want me around.
Jay: You know what? Right now, I don't.
Manny: I don't want to be with you, either. I'm gonna go wait for my Dad.
Jay: [mockingly] Oh, but- But if you leave, how will I ever finish?
Manny: You know what? I wish you never married my mom. I hate living here.
Jay: You think I like this arrangement? I got a two-seater parked in the driveway.

Quote from Phil

Desiree: Hi, again. I, uh, found your bike.
Phil: Uh. Oh, good! You- At the gas station?
Desiree: No, at my house. One of my neighbors saw it and put it in my garage when you were in my bedroom, so.
Phil: [to Claire] Classic me?

Quote from Phil

Boy: Hey! That's my bike!
Phil: Oh. I don't, uh- Well- I was giving it back! [running]


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