Previous Episode Next Episode 

34Quotes from ‘Thunk in the Trunk’

Modern Family: Thunk in the Trunk

713. Thunk in the Trunk

Aired February 17, 2016

Phil starts to feel like an underappreciated "house husband" as Claire's new job has her acting like an "alpha male" boss. Jay gets jealous when he sees people ogling a life-size cardboard cutout of Gloria. Meanwhile, Mitchell feels Cameron is being irrational when he starts snooping on the trio of house guests who are renting the unit upstairs.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] The best part about taking over my dad's company: I am now a powerful white male, and I love it. I totally get now why we don't want anyone else to have what we have.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam, stay out of their business, all right? If we drop below three stars, we're gonna be stuck renting to chain smokers and pregnant foreigners trying to have their babies in America. Mark down the time. I just turned into my father.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Good morning, Madam President. May I introduce you to the ambassador of Java?
Claire: Oh, thank you. Because, after all, what is a travel mug but a closet for your coffee? And boom, our next promotional giveaway.
Phil: Wow. Throw on a black turtleneck and some mom jeans, It's like I'm married to Steve Jobs.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You know, these cheese cubes keep getting smaller every week. I should start saving these to prove my point. Wow, am I retired.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: It's there! It's beautiful!
Jay: A little revealing. I mean, I get using sex to sell your hot sauce. That's why I wore jordache jeans in my old closet ads. But a little much, isn't it?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, what is that all about? I mean, three adults? Why doesn't Tommy have a last name? Why doesn't Tommy talk? Is he their captive? Is Mrs. Wilkerson their captive? Is the captive in the trunk?
Mitchell: So there has to be a captive?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Lately, we've been getting negative reviews from some of our renters.
Cameron: Say it.
Mitchell: And they tend to follow the common theme that the "bigger one" is "nosy."
Cameron: While others say the "orange fella" is "standoffish and cold."
Mitchell: Who says that?
Cameron: I'm saying it now.

Quote from Phil

Phil: This grainy security footage is all the store sent?
Gloria: Mm-hmm. I feel like I know him, Phil.
Phil: Whoever it is, it looks like they want to get caught. He keeps going back for the cheese cubes.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: What are you doing?
Cameron: Oh, uh, just a little research.
Mitchell: "Wilkersons plus adults Tommy plus mysterious trunk." Okay, now try googling "irrational meddling plus homosexual."

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, you know what? You need to get out of the house. Go get the stamps. And a hobby.
Cameron: Okay, well, they're in our home, And I'm just trying to protect our family. I don't want to wake up dead.
Mitchell: I can't believe I have to say this to you again. You cannot wake up and be dead.
Cameron: It's an expression!
Mitchell: It's not.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Daddy should not have involved you in his snooping.
Lily: So you don't want me to tell you what I found in here?
Mitchell: No...
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Well, of course I looked. And inside I found latex gloves, a bottle of bleach, heavy-duty tarp. Now, I've never killed anyone and cleaned it up, but that sounds like a kit. So as soon as I saw them drive off in their windowless murder van, I-I ran upstairs.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh my gosh, here they come. Okay, I'll create a distraction so you can get back in there.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I simply invited them to a complimentary cocktail hour. Even possible satanists enjoy a triple-cream brie and a crisp chardonnay.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Hey, it's working!
Jay: The best shredder money can buy. In 2004, our whisper-close hamper technology got stolen out of the trash, got sold on the dark web. Never again.

Quote from Claire

Claire: It's just all of this. I'm so stressed. Phil, I've never been a boss before, and I am freaking out.
Phil: But you've been handled it so well.
Claire: I am faking it, Phil. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just copying my dad - the steak, the scotch, the cigars. Do you have any idea how bad the heartburn is?
Phil: But you just got here. Give it a little time.
Claire: There is no time. I'm in charge now. And I live every day in constant fear of everyone discovering that I'm a fraud. Oh, my god, I really am a powerful white male!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, you are not a fraud.
Claire: I haven't had the guts to sit at my dad's desk since he left. I still feel like the little girl who used to play hide-and-seek under it.
Phil: Look. This is your desk now. You've earned it. You are not a little girl anymore. In fact, you're the strongest, smartest woman I know. The hardest company in the world to run is Dunphy Co., and you've kept us in business for 22 years. I don't worry about you in this job. I worry about the poor chump who has to follow you.

Quote from Claire

Phil: I did hear you banging out e-mails till all hours last night, so the cucumbers in the sandwich can be repurposed as lunchtime crow's-feet refreshers.
Claire: Thank you. Don't forget we've got drinks later.
Phil: Right. Any specific joke areas I should stay away from?
Claire: Oh, no, don't worry about it. It's mostly just me and the guys talking business. [pats Phil's buttocks] Hey, you using those spin classes I got you?
Phil: Yeah. I went twice last week. You can't tell?
Claire: Sure, I can.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, before I take off for work, I saw this and I thought of you.
Phil: What is it? It's a key?
Claire: Yeah, it is. It is a key... but a key to what? [chirping]
Phil: No! No! You got me a PhunkeeDuck?!
Claire: No more walking for my man. Walking's for jerks.
Phil: Oh, my god! That is the best gift ever! I don't know where it stops and I begin!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Auntie Alice! She's a hot-sauce legend. Her level three sauce has a picture of a rooster exploding.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I am a huge fan. I have read your life story on your label a thousand times. Is it true that your father crashed his pepper truck into a papaya tree and the legend was born?
Auntie Alice: You're asking me if something's real? I can't believe that that cutout's an actual person. [laughs]

Quote from Manny

Parker: Hey, Delgado, thank your mom for my new screen saver.
Manny: Will do, Parker. And speaking of two-dimensional women who know a thing or two about sauce, stop by Flanagan's and say hi to your mom for me.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I know you were bothered by that cutout.
Manny: But every teenager gets teased, and you have to rise above it, so...
Jay: Your mother's in the trunk.
Manny: What?
Jay: I couldn't stand the ogling and the selfies, so I stole it. For both our sakes. We're in this together.
Manny: How? I didn't steal it.
Jay: Oh, I see where this is going. You complain and complain, I make the problem go away, and you had nothing to do with it.
Manny: I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for any of this.
Jay: Let's not turn on each other. It'll make us sloppy.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Sitting with all those gals, I thought, "Wow, this is an insane amount of perfume. And also, am I on my way to becoming an invisible housewife?" No way. There'd be signs, right?

Quote from Claire

Phil: Hey, stranger. Been keeping dinner warm for ya.
Claire: Oh, that's nice. I had a steak at the club. But I wouldn't knock a scotch out of your hands.
Phil: Sure thing. Hey, is now an okay time to go over this list of house stuff?
Claire: Mm-hmm. Let's see. Don't care, don't care, call a guy, don't care.
Phil: Guess who got the big listing on Westmount today.
Claire: Oh, that's great, sweetie. It'll keep you busy.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: What the hell? Somebody stole my cutout.
Jay: Stolen? Damn it! Well, there's no point in replacing it because it's just gonna get stolen again.
Gloria: I can't replace it. It took two weeks just to get the mechanical arm working right. Oh, wait till I catch this rat. I'm going to make him regret that he was ever- Hey, Jay, turn the heater on. I can hear Manny's teeth chattering.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You know what always calms you down? Joe's little duck song. Now, let's- Let's get that going.
Gloria: I hate him.
Jay: [singing] quack, quack, quack, join the duck parade
Gloria: I want blood!
Jay: [singing] Waddle, waddle, waddle, waddle, watch them wade tail up, head down [Gloria joins] shake your feathers all around everybody's smiling at the duck parade

Quote from Claire

Claire: Phil, I'm late for an appointment with a client. Can you do me a favor?
Phil: If it's to put flowers in the bathroom, I already did.
Claire: Oh, I hadn't noticed.
Phil: Not surprised.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Okay, I was supposed to get this client a bottle of scotch. I haven't had time to do it myself. So can you pick one up and bring it down to the office?
Phil: Whatever you need. I have to go out for a haircut anyway.
Claire: Great.
Phil: Except I got a haircut yesterday.

Quote from Gloria

Phil: Excuse me, Gloria. Apparently, I don't know how to keep a kitchen clean.
Gloria: What is that?
Phil: Oh, it's just a little hush-up gift from my powerful wife who thinks she can take me for granted. And I'll just hover after her like a little puppy dog.
Gloria: You have to stop putting up with it. They don't mean to ignore you, but it will only get worse. One time when I had just married Jay, I spent a whole day cooking his favorite dinner.
Phil: Beef Wellington and a baked potato with all the fixin's?
Gloria: Yes. And then when he got home, he barely noticed what I had made. So I took the emerald pendant that he had bought me for the three past dinners that he had missed and I threw it at his head. I told him I don't need fancy things. I need the respect.
Phil: Isn't that an emerald pendant?
Gloria: It made its way back to me. But the point is that you have to make a statement. You have to give back the hoverboard.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, Mitchell, what if they're a part of some weird cult? Remember that "20/20" we watched where they infiltrated the ritual ceremony and Elizabeth Vargas had to almost sacrifice a squirrel?
Lily: [entering] I went through the bag they dumped in the trash. Oh, hi...
Mitchell: Now you're involving our daughter?
Cameron: I don't know what she's talking about.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: What are these creepy things? If these dolls could talk...
Mitchell: They'd tell you I dropped one and then their head came off.
Cameron: Well, you have to put it back.
Mitchell: Maybe they won't notice one of them's missing.
Cameron: Yeah, this seems like a casual interest.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Fortunately, Chuckle Chums aren't all that expensive to replace. They're mainly just an excuse for lonely people to go outside.
Mitchell: Point is, we learned our lesson. No more snooping.
Cameron: Absolutely. Although we still don't have an explanation for those creaky floorboards in the middle of the night. Heavy-footed going on way, light coming back. Was it Tommy joining his Chums for a menage à trois, then being replaced by Mrs. Wilkerson on the couch?
Mitchell: Okay, you need... [high-pitched sneeze] Help!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Son of a bitch. I broke two saw blades on this thing, and now these miracle shears are no good. Guy who sold me these at the front door cut through a horseshoe.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What was that?
Gloria: She's going to pay.
Jay: You don't even know it was her. Whatever that was, you got to call it off.
Gloria: I know it was her.I saw the evil in her eyes.
Jay: She probably has cataracts.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Is something bad happening to that poor woman?
Gloria: I don't know details. I let them decide. They don't like to feel managed.
Jay: I'm begging you to make that call! Auntie Alice spoke at career day at my high school! [telephone rings, answers] Hello? No, we didn't order flowers.
Gloria: That's them. Tell them no tulips.
Jay: Uh, no tulips. They hung up.
Gloria: Good thing that I remembered the code.


 Episode 712 Episode 714