217. Two Monkeys and a Panda
Aired March 2, 2011
As Claire runs around trying to diffuse a problem between Haley and Alex, Phil has a day at the spa. Cameron discovers a secret Mitchell has been keeping about Lily's adoption. Meanwhile, Jay and Gloria argue about where they want to be buried.
Quote from Haley
Haley: Now, Mom, that's my favorite sweater. I just got it.
Claire: You know what you girls need to learn to do? You need to learn to share. Because that's what sisters do. All right, Haley, nothing's gonna happen to your sweater. Right, Alex? Hmm?
Haley: Okay, fine. Then I will just go put on your favorite nerdy T-shirt the one with the guy from Back to the Future on it.
Alex: That's Albert Einstein. And it is not nerdy.
Quote from Claire
Claire: [aside to camera] More than anything I want my girls to stop fighting and be close. I want them to share clothes and do each other's hair and gossip about boys, like I used to do with Mitchell.
Quote from Jay
Jay: [aside to camera] I went to a funeral last Saturday and it got me thinking about where Gloria and I were gonna end up after we die.
Gloria: Yeah, it's been a fun week.
Jay: I don't like loose ends. So I made a few calls. I found these people selling a couple of primo plots in the best cemetery in town. Not that I'm gonna go there anytime soon.
Gloria: Don't be so sure. With all that bacon that he eats.
Jay: Well, I gotta give my cholesterol pills something to do.
Quote from Manny
Manny: So I heard you had a rough time today.
Jay: Yeah, well...
Manny: Remember the days when we thought we'd live forever?
Jay: Don't you wanna go play?
Manny: When do I ever play?
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: Mmm. Mmm. I don't care how much they promote it. Kale is a garnish. It's not ready to anchor a meal.
Quote from Gloria
Jay: This is it. Ta-da!
Gloria: What is "ta-da"?
Phil: I'm just saying this is it. Ta-da.
Gloria: "Ta-da" is when you do a flip or where the magician cuts the pretty lady in half, not when you show someone where you want to shove their dead body.
Quote from Haley
Haley: Hey, Mom, I need some money for lunch. We're all gonna go- Oh, my God! Take off my sweater! Mom, tell her to take it off!
Claire: Alex, take it off.
Alex: Last week she wore my sweatshirt without asking.
Claire: That is true.
Haley: Oh, please, that was an honor for your stupid old sweatshirt. It was the first time the top half got any exercise.
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: Hey, Daddy. How was the farmer's market?
Mitchell: Well, it was great. But guess what the new spinach is.
Cameron: Um, radicchio?
Mitchell: I know. I was just as blown away as you are.
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: Oh! Well, I guess we're going to have to adopt [claps], yay, a new attitude towards kale. Maybe we'll even adopt [claps] a new vinaigrette. Adopt. Yay! [claps]
Mitchell: Okay, what's going on here?
Cameron: I'm taking the negative charge out of the word "adopted." [claps] Yay.
Mitchell: What did Oprah do now?
Cameron: She had a girl on who at 16 found out that she was adopted and felt betrayed and ran away and became a stripper and not the heart-of-gold kind, the by-the-airport kind.
Cameron: All right, go get your gavel, Judge Judy.
Mitchell: No, not at all. I'm adopting - ah! - a tolerant attitude toward your flights of lunacy.
Cameron: Adopting! [claps] Yay!
Quote from Alex
Haley: You better not spill anything on that. Okay, dork?
Alex: Relax. Half the 11th grade's been inside this sweater.