Jay: What's all that about? You mad at me or something?
Gloria: I don't know. Did you do something to make me mad? Because then I am. But if you didn't, then I am not.
Jay: I didn't do anything.
Gloria: Then I am not mad.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I am mad. Last night, Jay had a sexy dream about some woman. And I know it wasn't about me, because he knows that I hate when men call me baby. And, yes, people are allowed their private thoughts, and I shouldn't be so angry, but I am Latin, so I get to feel whatever I want.

Jay: You have to stop being so suspicious, Claire. It's okay to trust people.
Gloria: Some people. Other people, who knows? You turn your back for one second, and they have a whole other family on the bad side of town.
Jay: You are my other family from the bad side of town.

Haley: Mom, this is a college class. I'm not in the third grade.
Alex: Don't you have nap time there?
Haley: No. I have free periods, during which I sometimes nap.

Cameron: Oh, my gosh. You are redirecting me, like we do when Lily asks us a question we don't want to answer and just throw a doll in her face.
Lily: [combing her doll's hair] Wait a minute.

Phil: Okay, gang. Tonight, the Farewell to VHS Festival continues. It's been mighty cold in here since "The Big Chill." What say we warm our hearts by "St. Elmo's Fire"?
Claire: Mmm. Yes! Couple of wine coolers and some '80s Rob Lowe, I can get into that.

Claire: Mm, Xander's a bad influence.
Alex: His older brother is even worse. Huge Stoner always walking around in his army jacket with his muscles, flipping his hair out of his blue eyes. He told me I was looking good one time. I mean, come on.
Claire: Yeah, we'll keep our eye on that. But for now Xander. I don't trust him.
Phil: Claire, you're a tough one to figure out. You don't trust bad boys, and yet you married one.

Phil: Jay, to what do I owe the pleasure?
Jay: I'm just here to pick up Manny. No need for a whole thing.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I don't know why I do that to him. The guy's always so happy to see me. Eh, I'm not gonna worry about it.

Claire: I have tracked Luke's cellphone, and he is nowhere near his friend Xander's.
Phil: Honey, I love technology as much as the next Wozniak, but are we sure we want to be spying on our kids?
Haley: No, and you also shouldn't try to friend us with fake Facebook profiles, Margot Lacroix.
Phil: I was really hoping some of this would go away when you got a job.

Rhonda: What was that thing?
Manny: Somebody was filming us.
Luke: Hey, my dad has one of those. I know what's going on here. A movie studio is trying to steal our idea!
Xander: Spielberg.
Luke: I told you guys, zombie parkour is a million-dollar idea.
Manny: I still don't get it. Zombies don't move well. Vampires, maybe. Plus, there's your title, "Vam-par-kour."
Luke: I don't hear it.

Gloria: Maybe the details are in Jay's phone. But I hope not, because everything is very secret on there.
Jay: Don't know if you caught that subtle cue. She's mad at me.
Gloria: He did something very terrible that he doesn't want me to know about.
Jay: "Very terrible"?
Gloria: Until you tell me what it is, I'm gonna think the worst possible thing, like maybe you killed somebody. But you don't have the stomach for that, do you?