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Season 5, Episode 14 - Aired February 5, 2014

Worried that Luke and Manny are hanging out with some questionable friends, Claire and Phil resort to aerial snooping. Haley tries to keep her family from finding out about an exhibit featuring her photographs. Meanwhile, Gloria is furious with Jay after overhearing what sounded like a romantic dream with another woman, and Mitchell thinks Cameron gossips too much.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: What's all that about? You mad at me or something?
Gloria: I don't know. Did you do something to make me mad? Because then I am. But if you didn't, then I am not.
Jay: I didn't do anything.
Gloria: Then I am not mad.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I am mad. Last night, Jay had a sexy dream about some woman. And I know it wasn't about me, because he knows that I hate when men call me baby. And, yes, people are allowed their private thoughts, and I shouldn't be so angry, but I am Latin, so I get to feel whatever I want.


Quote from Jay

Jay: You have to stop being so suspicious, Claire. It's okay to trust people.
Gloria: Some people. Other people, who knows? You turn your back for one second, and they have a whole other family on the bad side of town.
Jay: You are my other family from the bad side of town.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Mom, this is a college class. I'm not in the third grade.
Alex: Don't you have nap time there?
Haley: No. I have free periods, during which I sometimes nap.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Oh, my gosh. You are redirecting me, like we do when Lily asks us a question we don't want to answer and just throw a doll in her face.
Lily: [combing her doll's hair] Wait a minute.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay, gang. Tonight, the Farewell to VHS Festival continues. It's been mighty cold in here since "The Big Chill." What say we warm our hearts by "St. Elmo's Fire"?
Claire: Mmm. Yes! Couple of wine coolers and some '80s Rob Lowe, I can get into that.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Mm, Xander's a bad influence.
Alex: His older brother is even worse. Huge Stoner always walking around in his army jacket with his muscles, flipping his hair out of his blue eyes. He told me I was looking good one time. I mean, come on.
Claire: Yeah, we'll keep our eye on that. But for now Xander. I don't trust him.
Phil: Claire, you're a tough one to figure out. You don't trust bad boys, and yet you married one.

Quote from Jay

Phil: Jay, to what do I owe the pleasure?
Jay: I'm just here to pick up Manny. No need for a whole thing.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I don't know why I do that to him. The guy's always so happy to see me. Eh, I'm not gonna worry about it.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I have tracked Luke's cellphone, and he is nowhere near his friend Xander's.
Phil: Honey, I love technology as much as the next Wozniak, but are we sure we want to be spying on our kids?
Haley: No, and you also shouldn't try to friend us with fake Facebook profiles, Margot Lacroix.
Phil: I was really hoping some of this would go away when you got a job.

Quote from Luke

Rhonda: What was that thing?
Manny: Somebody was filming us.
Luke: Hey, my dad has one of those. I know what's going on here. A movie studio is trying to steal our idea!
Xander: Spielberg.
Luke: I told you guys, zombie parkour is a million-dollar idea.
Manny: I still don't get it. Zombies don't move well. Vampires, maybe. Plus, there's your title, "Vam-par-kour."
Luke: I don't hear it.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Maybe the details are in Jay's phone. But I hope not, because everything is very secret on there.
Jay: Don't know if you caught that subtle cue. She's mad at me.
Gloria: He did something very terrible that he doesn't want me to know about.
Jay: "Very terrible"?
Gloria: Until you tell me what it is, I'm gonna think the worst possible thing, like maybe you killed somebody. But you don't have the stomach for that, do you?

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