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39Quotes from ‘iSpy’

Modern Family: iSpy

514. iSpy

Aired February 5, 2014

Worried that Luke and Manny are hanging out with some questionable friends, Claire and Phil resort to aerial snooping. Haley tries to keep her family from finding out about an exhibit featuring her photographs. Meanwhile, Gloria is furious with Jay after overhearing what sounded like a romantic dream with another woman, and Mitchell thinks Cameron gossips too much.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: What's all that about? You mad at me or something?
Gloria: I don't know. Did you do something to make me mad? Because then I am. But if you didn't, then I am not.
Jay: I didn't do anything.
Gloria: Then I am not mad.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I am mad. Last night, Jay had a sexy dream about some woman. And I know it wasn't about me, because he knows that I hate when men call me baby. And, yes, people are allowed their private thoughts, and I shouldn't be so angry, but I am Latin, so I get to feel whatever I want.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You have to stop being so suspicious, Claire. It's okay to trust people.
Gloria: Some people. Other people, who knows? You turn your back for one second, and they have a whole other family on the bad side of town.
Jay: You are my other family from the bad side of town.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Mom, this is a college class. I'm not in the third grade.
Alex: Don't you have nap time there?
Haley: No. I have free periods, during which I sometimes nap.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Oh, my gosh. You are redirecting me, like we do when Lily asks us a question we don't want to answer and just throw a doll in her face.
Lily: [combing her doll's hair] Wait a minute.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay, gang. Tonight, the Farewell to VHS Festival continues. It's been mighty cold in here since "The Big Chill." What say we warm our hearts by "St. Elmo's Fire"?
Claire: Mmm. Yes! Couple of wine coolers and some '80s Rob Lowe, I can get into that.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Mm, Xander's a bad influence.
Alex: His older brother is even worse. Huge Stoner always walking around in his army jacket with his muscles, flipping his hair out of his blue eyes. He told me I was looking good one time. I mean, come on.
Claire: Yeah, we'll keep our eye on that. But for now Xander. I don't trust him.
Phil: Claire, you're a tough one to figure out. You don't trust bad boys, and yet you married one.

Quote from Jay

Phil: Jay, to what do I owe the pleasure?
Jay: I'm just here to pick up Manny. No need for a whole thing.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I don't know why I do that to him. The guy's always so happy to see me. Eh, I'm not gonna worry about it.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I have tracked Luke's cellphone, and he is nowhere near his friend Xander's.
Phil: Honey, I love technology as much as the next Wozniak, but are we sure we want to be spying on our kids?
Haley: No, and you also shouldn't try to friend us with fake Facebook profiles, Margot Lacroix.
Phil: I was really hoping some of this would go away when you got a job.

Quote from Luke

Rhonda: What was that thing?
Manny: Somebody was filming us.
Luke: Hey, my dad has one of those. I know what's going on here. A movie studio is trying to steal our idea!
Xander: Spielberg.
Luke: I told you guys, zombie parkour is a million-dollar idea.
Manny: I still don't get it. Zombies don't move well. Vampires, maybe. Plus, there's your title, "Vam-par-kour."
Luke: I don't hear it.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Maybe the details are in Jay's phone. But I hope not, because everything is very secret on there.
Jay: Don't know if you caught that subtle cue. She's mad at me.
Gloria: He did something very terrible that he doesn't want me to know about.
Jay: "Very terrible"?
Gloria: Until you tell me what it is, I'm gonna think the worst possible thing, like maybe you killed somebody. But you don't have the stomach for that, do you?

Quote from Gloria

Claire: It's not that crazy an idea.
Luke: We weren't smoking anything.
Gloria: Manny would never.
Manny: Thank you, mom.
Gloria: He's so judgy about those things. The only reason why I walk that stupid dog is so that I can smoke my cigars in peace.

Quote from Jay

Jay: She's a waitress at the club. Her boyfriend crashed her car, so I helped her, because we have that fun game where I order salad and she brings me French fries. But I never dreamt of her. Last night, I had a nightmare. Joe got out onto a ledge of a tall building. I couldn't get to him. I was very upset, and I think I might have cried a little in my sleep, which might have sounded like sex to you, which I don't love. But that's the "baby" I was talking about.
Gloria: Really? That's scary.
Jay: Yes! Why in God's name would I need to dream about another woman?
Gloria: Now that you say it out loud, it does seem kind of crazy.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I'm not proud of this, but the dream wasn't about Joe. It was about this little baby right here. [to Stella] That's right. You almost fell off a ledge, and daddy was so scared. [kisses Stella]

Quote from Alex

Claire: Is it me, or was she just being purposefully vague? Alex, I want you to go through her stuff and find out about this thing tonight.
Phil: Wait, wait. I-I don't feel good about us snooping.
Claire: I know. That's why I told Alex to do it. I think Haley knows more than she's letting on.
Alex: It breaks my heart how badly you want to believe that.

Quote from Manny

Claire: Where are you going?
Luke: Riding our bikes to Xander's.
Claire: What are you doing there?
Luke: I don't know. Hanging out.
Phil: Sounds fun. Wear your helmets.
Manny: We will. I'm not writing my first novel by blowing through a tube.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Be back in a few. If Shorty calls, tell him I died, but make sure you really sell it. It's a funny thing we're doing.
Gloria: How is that funny?
Jay: I knew you'd say that. Just don't answer the phone.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: You want to tell me what I did?
Gloria: Do you want to tell me what you did?
Jay: I don't know what I did.
Gloria: Then I don't know what you did.
Jay: I'm bored. I'm going.
Gloria: Don't forget your phone.
Jay: Ow. I got a bruise on my arm. I don't know where it came from.
Gloria: Oh, poor baby.

Quote from Mitchell

Brett: I'm sorry. I can't listen to this. I need to tell you something, but you have to keep it a secret.
Mitchell: Of course. I'm a lawyer. I've heard murder confessions.
Brett: Really?
Mitchell: Well, in- In mock trials at law school. But still, I never told anyone.

Quote from Phil

Jay: There is a chance Gloria let me drive over here for nothing as punishment. I think she snooped on my phone, read some of my e-mails.
Phil: That's not cool. E-mails are private.
Jay: They were from a friend I loaned money to.
Phil: 100% your prerogative.
Jay: A woman.
Phil: Oh, no. Well, I'll tell you what I'd do. I'd tell my lady, "You got no business being in my business. Respect your man's boundaries."
Claire: Honey, you promised you'd clean the pan if you made brownies.
Phil: Well, maybe I forgot to spray it first and I'm letting it soak, woman.
Claire: He only talks like this when you're around.
Jay: Well, then, he's done for the day.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Olympic and 20th? That's the old salvage yard where kids go to get high.
Claire: What?!
Phil: No.
Claire: Oh, we are going there right now.
Phil: Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure?
Haley: I'm gonna answer, and then I'm gonna walk away. Deal?
Phil: Okay.
Haley: I'm 420% sure.
Phil: Wow, she's bad at math.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: How was lunch?
Mitchell: Oh, it was fine. Hey, when did salmon become a thing that we put on salad?
Cameron: 2008 in the city, 2011 in the suburbs.

Quote from Cameron

Lily: Here. [holding her doll out] How does Santa Claus get to all of those houses?
Cameron: Okay, sweetie, the adults are talking right now, and look what daddy brought you. [hands Lily the garlic press]

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, all right, okay. He got calf implants.
Cameron: Oh, my God! Oh, what do they look like?
Mitchell: Like he's smuggling two grapefruits. Which, by the way, were also on my salad.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Don't you dare tell a single person, okay? He made me promise not to tell anyone, especially you.
Cameron: Especially me?
Mitchell: Oh, please. Everybody knows you're terrible at keeping secrets.
Cameron: Okay, well, I didn't know that was my reputation. Maybe that's a secret people have been keeping from me.
Mitchell: I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
Cameron: Well, you did. And you know what the sad thing is? We could be laughing at someone's calf implants right now.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Hey, what are you doing?
Alex: I'm just watching you sleep. You look so pretty.
Haley: Okay, but don't breathe so loud. [Alex starts to walk away] Hey, where are you going?!

Quote from Phil

Phil: I can't find a way in. I can't see anything, but I hear them laughing.
Claire: And you know why kids laugh.
Phil: Because their hearts are filled with joy, not suspicion?

Quote from Phil

Claire: We have got to see what is going on in there. Get the drone thing out of the car.
Phil: That "thing" is a professional aerial-photography tool for real-estate use only!
Claire: You used it at the beach to film yourself doing sand angels.
Phil: For my "Phil Dunphy will get you a heavenly deal on a beach house" video. A professional real-estate tool!
Claire: That was the consensus.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [on the phone] Hey, Alex. What did you find out?
Alex: Okay, this is a bigger deal than Haley let on. Only five people in her class were picked to show their photographs, and Haley was one of them.
Claire: Amazing! Are there more than five people in the class?
Alex: Yes. That's the first thing I checked.
Claire: Then we really do have to be there. Call Uncle Mitchell and grandpa and see if they can join us. She didn't catch you snooping, did she?
Alex: No. She's taking a nap.
Claire: She's been taking a lot more naps lately. See what you can find out about that.

Quote from Phil

Claire: What are they doing?
Phil: They're jumping around on stuff.
Claire: Do you see anything suspicious, like, um, like smoke or paraphernalia, nachos?
Phil: No, they're filming each other and moving around like zombies. Honey, they're not getting high. They're making a movie... without me!

Quote from Phil

Claire: Get out, get out!
Phil: I can't leave the drone! It belongs to the office! They're still mad at me for writing on the dry-erase board with a permanent marker!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Give me your phone.
Cameron: No. Why?
Mitchell: Because you're texting someone and you look very guilty right now.
Cameron: Or I'm playing "Words with Friends" with Longinus.
Mitchell: None of those words better be "calf" or "implants."

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, guys. You want some red stuff that reminds you of wine?

Quote from Claire

Phil: Here comes Luke. What do we say we were doing today?
Claire: When has Luke ever showed any interest in what we do?
Phil: Okay, but be cool. If he finds out you were tracking his phone, he'll think we don't trust him.
Claire: Ooh. Plus, then I could never do it again.

Quote from Phil

Luke: You guys are acting weird.
Phil: No, we're not. You are.
Luke: What did you do today?
Claire: We just stayed home.
Phil: We went shopping. Online shopping at home for pants. We both needed pants. I told you he was gonna ask.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Wait a minute. Was that your drone today?
Manny: Were you spying on us?
Phil: I'm sorry. Your mom made me do it. She thought you were smoking grass.
Mitchell: Grass?
Cameron: No one says grass.
Claire: I never said grass.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Honestly, you people - and by that, I mean straight people - are ridiculous! Everyone's entitled to a little bit of privacy.
Mitchell: Says the guy who forced me to tell him our friend's secret.
Cameron: Okay, that's different. That was gossip, and gossip belongs to everyone.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: No, I knew it. "L.O.L. Do you think Brett likes his coffee black or with calf-and-calf?"
Cameron: Okay, I admit it. I have a problem. But I only told one person. It was too juicy. And Crispin said he wouldn't tell anyone.
Mitchell: This is from Longines.
Cameron: Oh, that lying Crispin. Give me that. I cannot believe he betrayed my trust.
Mitchell: Now Pepper's chiming in.
Cameron: Jackals, all of them. [laughs] Oh, that Pepper.

Quote from Alex

Claire: Uncle Mitchell was helping you get me a birthday present?
Alex: Yeah, I wanted to make you dinner and get you a nice bottle of wine, the one he served at New Year's you said you liked.
Claire: Ooh, I did like that wine. I'm sorry I ruined the surprise.
Alex: You should be. What did you think I was doing, anyways? Give me some credit.
Claire: Oh, well, then, maybe we could just call it even, since he typed, "I'm just surprised she remembered coming to my house that night." To which you responded, "bahahahahahaha" with like five exclamation points.
Alex: Seems fair.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, okay, now, see. Look how much you gossip. Haley managed to capture it on film.
Cameron: And look at you, smiling ear to ear. You know you love it when I give you the dirt. Oh, which reminds me, guess who got kicked out of a hotel bar for making unwanted advances at the waitstaff?
Mitchell: I don't want to know. It's none of my business.
Cameron: Okay.
Mitchell: Jotham. Zaniel. Sal. Just tell me!

Quote from Claire

Claire: All right, knock it off. You have no idea how hard it is to be a parent, to figure out what's going on with your kid when all you get is a grunt or a "fine" or a flick of the hair. It's my job to protect you and make sure you're making good choices. And if I step over the line every now and again when I'm doing that, tough. Knowing you're safe is the only thing that lets me sleep at night.
Cameron: I thought it was the wine.


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