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42Quotes from ‘Phil on Wire’

Modern Family: Phil on Wire

303. Phil on Wire

Aired September 28, 2011

Gloria is annoyed by how close Jay is getting to their dog, Stella. As Phil attempts to tightrope across the front yard. Claire chooses to teach the girls a life lesson but doesn't set the best example. Meanwhile, Mitchell joins Cameron in starting a juice fast.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Wait, Dad, I don't need a doctor.
Phil: What's up?
Luke: The other day, Uncle Mitchell brought over a bag of junk food so he and Cam could do a Jew fast.
Phil: Juice fast?
Luke: I'm pretty sure he said "Jew."

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay, look at this. It's ruined. Stella did this. She chew on my shoe! You have to discipline that stupid dog.
Jay: I discipline her all the time.
Gloria: Oh, really? How? By buying her little cupcakes?
Jay: They're not real cupcakes. They're doggy treats in the form of cupcakes.
Gloria: Yeah, you should have told that to Manny before he ate one.
Jay: Oh, come on. His coat never looked better. [laughs]

Quote from Claire

Claire: Hey, um, what the hell is this?
Officer Blevin: This zone is for loading and unloading, not for talking on the phone.
Claire: Yeah, I know, but I was talking on the phone to the school that my kids were about to come out of, so...
Officer Blevin: Are you aware this zone has a time limit?
Claire: N-no, I'm not.
Officer Blevin: Wow.
Claire: You know what? I do want to do some unloading. I know your type. Life has been bad to you. It has made you feel small. And then one day somebody gives you a fake cop outfit, a toy badge and a little spongebob tie. Suddenly it's payback time, right? Well, I got news for you, "Law & Order: Special Parking Unit," [rips ticket] not my fault.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Are you happy? You have reduced me to a person who eats a shoe.
Jay: Gloria, sit.
Gloria: You think this is funny? To talk to me like I am a dog?
Jay: I'm not talking to you like you're a dog. I'm just asking you to sit so we can get to the bottom of this.
Gloria: Okay, fine.
Jay: Good girl. Come on. You set me up.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Seeing that weird, wonderful little man pursuing his dream of walking on a tightrope made me think maybe I could pursue my dream. Of walking on a tightrope.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Wow. What was that?
Claire: That was a master class in parenting. Right now our daughters are upstairs making a decision they think is their own, but really, it was an idea that was skillfully implanted by me.
Phil: Inception, Claire. Dangerous game, but I like it.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Come on. We said no Stella in the bed.
Jay: Oh, but she's just a little puppy. She probably got scared and snuck in.
Gloria: Oh, really? How come when Manny has nightmares you don't let him snuck in the bed?
Jay: Gloria, it's 6:00 in the morning. Can we talk about this later?
Manny: [sleeping on the floor] Answer the question, Jay.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Hey, Uncle Mitchell. I really can't talk. I'm trying to watch a movie.
Mitchell: Oh, okay, well, I just wanted to drop off this bag of junk food.
Luke: Go on.
Mitchell: Uh, Cam and I are on a juice fast, so having this stuff in the house-
Luke: I connected the dots. See ya.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Mm! Sitting all by yourself at the table. Now where have I seen that again? Oh, right. Every day in the school cafeteria.
Alex: I do that by choice.
Haley: The school's choice.
Alex: Isn't that your nickname?
Claire: Haley, be nice to your sister. Alex, good save.

Quote from Haley

Alex: They finally bumped me up to the harder math class. Third period, Mr. Waters.
Haley: What? No, Mom, you cannot sign this. This is my class. You're a freshman. What are you doing in second-year math?
Alex: You're a senior. What are you still doing in second year math?
Haley: Not "still!" Again.
Claire: Alex, be nice to your sister. Haley, not a good save.

Quote from Claire

Haley: I knew it would suck having you at my school.
Claire: Well, hang in there. A couple more years, you'll have it all to yourself again.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [mocking voice] "And yet I see no children emerging from the vehicle." How'd you like to see my fist emerging into your face? Oh! Now I think of it!

Quote from Alex

Haley: Her hand's in the air, like, every five seconds, and she actually reminded Mr. Waters to assign homework.
The class loved that. Do you know how embarrassed I was?
Alex: Not as embarrassed as I was when she said 8 was a prime number. 8, Mom.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Looking great, Dad.
Phil: With these steps, I break the surly bonds- Chicken in a basket! Don't look at me.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] It's tough enough to deal with Cam when I'm at full strength, but I have been fasting just as long as he has, and I do not have the energy to deal with a big, needy brisketcase-- brass-- basketcase.

Quote from Manny

Manny: I've seen her do a lot of crazy stuff, but this is a whole new level. Is this a people cookie?
Jay: You're good.
Manny: A definitive "yes" or "no" would be appreciated. Those cupcakes did a number on me.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Gloria, why are you acting so crazy? It's just a little dog.
Gloria: It's not the little dog that is making me crazy. It's you that is making me crazy.
Jay: Me?
Gloria: Yeah, you used to put me first. You used to want me in that shower.
Manny: Should I be here for this?
Gloria: No, Manny. It's okay. I go. But I want you to know this. Where I come from, men cherish woman. It goes wife, mistress, dog. Dog always at the bottom.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] What was on my mind as I was walking across that wire? I kept thinking, if I can do this, then I've got two ways of getting across my yard.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: You know, I'm gonna check the lease, but I'm pretty sure we're not allowed to have a meth lab.
Cameron: You are a delight.
Mitchell: So what are you doing?
Cameron: I think you're gonna like this. I'm going on a juice fast.
Mitchell: Mmm. Love it.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Hate it. Let's face it, a well-fed Cam is hardly a model of emotional stability. Now deprive him of food, and stage by stage, it's a slow descent into madness.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Stage one: the clean sweep.
[cut to:]
Cameron: Poison. Poison. Poison.
Mitchell: Do you think that this is the best week to be doing this?
Cameron: Why not?
Mitchell: Well, we have that charity thing at my boss' house.
Cameron: Oh, so what, I'm supposed to put off my quest for wellness until we're no longer socially in demand? That will never happen. I'm too charismatic.
Mitchell: No. No. Not the cookies.
Cameron: Of course the cookies. Why do you always want me to fail?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera:] Stage two: attack Mitchell. Because when his diet crashes and burns into a giant pile of Nutella, I'm the one he's gonna blame. Well, no, not this time.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: You wouldn't find it so funny if she was destroying your shoes.
Jay: Well, I don't leave my shoes laying around, so...
Gloria: So it's my fault that she chooses to chew my shoe?
Jay: I didn't say that. You barely said it.

Quote from Haley

Haley: You don't look at me in class. You don't text me.
Alex: Who would text during a class?
Haley: What are you?

Quote from Mitchell

[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Day four of the juice fast, and I'm hungry, but I'm- I'm feeling pretty good. Cam, on the other hand, has gone all "Girl, interrupted." After one, throwing out all of our food, and two, blaming me, he entered stage three: soap actress.
[cut to:]
Cameron: [sobbing] I just wish my sister would put herself out there more. She has so much to offer. Why are men so superficial?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: That was followed by stage four: a rush of epiphanies.
[cut to:]
Cameron: I don't need food. [gasps] Look at this. Architecture is everywhere. Oh. Spaniards make amazing athletes.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Into stage five: despair.
[cut to:]
Lily: Daddy, we hided, but you didn't seek.
Mitchell: Cam?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Then came rage.
[cut to:]
Cameron: Oh. Ow. Oh. Hey.
Mitchell: Whatcha got there?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: The good news is, Cam's never made it this far into a diet before, so Downside-- I have no idea what the next stage is gonna be. But I'm pretty sure it's not charming party guest.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Why do you hate me?
Mitchell: I don't hate you.
Cameron: Then why are you trying to push me out of your life?
Mitchell: Because you- You seem a little Unhinged.
Cameron: Okay, well, you know what I think? You should worry a little bit less about me and a little bit more about yourself and what you're gonna wear tomorrow night, because I saw what you have laid out, and I don't think you're gonna like the way you look in photos.
Mitchell: Well, I hadn't landed on that.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Okay, fine. You know what? I'm gonna call the school today and have your schedules changed, but I want you to know a little part of me died today, okay? I thought the two of you could understand how being in the same class would benefit you both. Alex, you- you could've tutored Haley. Haley, you could've helped Alex with her social skills. Come on. The two of you could've been two Super Dunphys. And instead, what are you? Two bickering half-Dunphys, and I'm the fool that expected more.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Honey, I-I think those are jazz shoes.
Phil: No. Tightrope shoes. Got 'em at an estate sale. Only worn once.
Claire: That- That is not a ringing endorsement...

Quote from Alex

Haley: Hey, what'd you get for number 3?
Alex: You're not going to learn if I just give you answers.
Haley: Well, what if I gave you something in return?
Alex: Like what?
Haley: You can talk to me in class.
Alex: [scoffs] I want lunch at the cool table.
Haley: Then I want all the answers.
Alex: Then I want a week at the table.
Haley: That'll cost you two pop quizzes.
Alex: A month.
Haley: The midterm.
Alex: Deal.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Bad doggy! You want to chew on something? Okay. Okay. Okay. Look at this. Look at this delicious man shoe. Eat it. Come on. Eat it. Eat it. Mmm! Yummy. Eat the shoe. Eat his shoe. Come on. Eat his shoe. Num, num, num, num. Num, num. Yeah, like this. Look. Ah. Delicious.
Manny: Mom?
Jay: Drop it.
Gloria: I-
Jay: Please. [to Manny] I'm sorry you had to see this.

Quote from Phil

Luke: I'm really sorry, Dad.
Phil: Oh, it's all right. Everybody throws up at school. If I had a nickel for every time I puked at school, you know how much money I'd have?
Luke: Thirty-five cents.
Phil: Exactly. Now go get cleaned up, and I'll call the doctor.

Quote from Phil

Phil: It's all right. It's okay. Hey, you learned a lesson. A painful lesson. I guess we both have.
Luke: What do you mean?
Phil: I always saw myself as a guy who could soar through the sky, dancing on a wire. I can't even get across one six inches off the ground.
Luke: Well, maybe that's the problem. Maybe you keep falling because part of you knows that you can fall. Maybe if the wire was much, much higher, you wouldn't fall.
Phil: Oh, Luke, Luke, Luke. [chuckles] You are a genius. Come on. We got work to do.
Luke: Yes! Can I have a doughnut first?
Phil: Yes, you can!

Quote from Claire

Claire: Ah, there they are, my Super Dunphys.
Haley: We're sorry, but we just-
Claire: Unh-unh-unh. You don't get to talk. You had a chance to be better people today. You, to be more well-rounded, and you, to be a better student. You could have elevated the Dunphy name, but instead, you chose to tarnish it, so, congratulations, ladies, you brought this family to a new low.
Alex: Mom, are you-
Claire: Yeah. Yeah, I am, and I would actually like to get these loosened up, if I might.
Officer Blevin: Are we gonna have any more trouble?
Claire: No, ma'am.

Quote from Cameron

Waiter: Goat cheese Risotto ball?
Cameron: No, thank you.
Waiter: Are you sure? They're so good.
Cameron: Walk away.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam! Don't be mad at me, but I think that you really need to eat something.
Cameron: What? You're supposed to be my support. Oh, away from me, temptress. And I never thought I would call you that in a negative way.

Quote from Mitchell

Charlie Bingham: As you can imagine, I get asked to help, uh, with a lot of these environmental causes. Usually, I buy a ticket, uh, bid on Shaquille O'Neal's big shoe And, uh, come home. But then, something happened. I love paddle surfing, and each time I'd go out, I'd see this one sea lion. He'd pop his head up. He'd check me out. I got so used to seeing him, I even named him-- Snorkels.
Cameron: Oh, God, I do not like where this is going.
Charlie Bingham: So one day, I, uh, I go out and I see Snorkels. But he's doing this weird twisting thing in the water.
Cameron: Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Mitchell: Shh, shh.
Charlie Bingham: So I paddle over, and I see he's got a plastic grocery bag wrapped around his neck and one of his fins. And I freaked, tried to get it off with my paddle. It didn't work, so I-I jumped in, but he disappeared under the water. And, uh-
Cameron: Don't say it. Don't you dare say it.
Charlie Bingham: And I never saw him again.
Cameron: Oh. This is the saddest thing I've ever-
Mitchell: [wailing]
Cameron: Mitchell, are you okay?
Mitchell: Of course I'm not okay. None of this is okay.
Cameron: Okay, well, you need to pull yourself together 'cause we're at your boss' house.
Mitchell: He drowned, Cam!
Charlie Bingham: Is he all right?
Cameron: Yeah, yeah, I just think he needs a little air.
Mitchell: You know who else needed air? Snorkels!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Snorkels?! Where are you, Snorkels?!
Cameron: Mitchell, get back here!
Mitchell: Oh, Snorkels!
Cameron: Mitchell, what is wrong with you?!
Mitchell: What do you think is wrong with me? I'm starving!
Cameron: Well, if you're starving, then just eat something!
Mitchell: I can't eat something because then you'll get mad at me, and we're at my boss' house!
Cameron: I'm not gonna get mad at you! I appreciate what you're doing for me! I'm doing it for you.
Mitchell: Oh, you don't have to do anything for me. I love you just the way you are.
Cameron: I love you just the way you are.

Quote from Mitchell

Charlie Bingham: I think Mitchell may just be a work friend.

Quote from Haley

Alex: I let down my Mom and Dad today, and worse than that, I let down my teacher.
Haley: It's all my fault. Everything I touch turns to detention.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Come on, Dad! Believe in yourself! You're making the impossible unimpossible.
Claire: Phil. Oh, my God.
Luke: Don't even bother. He's in the zone. He can't hear you.
Alex: Go, Dad!
Haley: You got this!

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] All week long, I'd been telling my girls how to act instead of showing them, but not Phil. Phil could have said, Or "Haley, challenge yourself. Don't give up so easily." But instead of talking the talk, Phil walked the walk. And isn't that what we're supposed to do for the people we love? It's definitely a challenge, but Phil made it look easy seven feet off the ground. Turns out, I've had my Super Dunphy all along.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: We're in here!
Mitchell: Oh, my God. These cupcakes are so good.
Cameron: I'm so sorry. We helped ourselves. We were so hungry. They are delicious.
Mitchell: I love that they're not too sweet, you know?
Cameron: Mmm. Mmm. They taste almost like pate. You know, I mean-
Lily: But why are you eating?
Cameron: We've been on a juice cleanse. You need to mind your own business, sweetie, for right now.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [on the phone] Uh, a cup of soup, a Cobb salad. Yeah, it had bacon. Cam, I don't have all day to describe all my meals to you. [to Stella] Stop eating all my things, you stupid animal. No, Cam, not you. I'll call you back.


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