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‘Phil on Wire’ Quotes

Modern Family: Phil on Wire

303. Phil on Wire

Aired September 28, 2011

Gloria is annoyed by how close Jay is getting to their dog, Stella. As Phil attempts to tightrope across the front yard. Claire chooses to teach the girls a life lesson but doesn't set the best example. Meanwhile, Mitchell joins Cameron in starting a juice fast.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Wait, Dad, I don't need a doctor.
Phil: What's up?
Luke: The other day, Uncle Mitchell brought over a bag of junk food so he and Cam could do a Jew fast.
Phil: Juice fast?
Luke: I'm pretty sure he said "Jew."

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Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay, look at this. It's ruined. Stella did this. She chew on my shoe! You have to discipline that stupid dog.
Jay: I discipline her all the time.
Gloria: Oh, really? How? By buying her little cupcakes?
Jay: They're not real cupcakes. They're doggy treats in the form of cupcakes.
Gloria: Yeah, you should have told that to Manny before he ate one.
Jay: Oh, come on. His coat never looked better. [laughs]

Quote from Claire

Claire: Hey, um, what the hell is this?
Officer Blevin: This zone is for loading and unloading, not for talking on the phone.
Claire: Yeah, I know, but I was talking on the phone to the school that my kids were about to come out of, so...
Officer Blevin: Are you aware this zone has a time limit?
Claire: N-no, I'm not.
Officer Blevin: Wow.
Claire: You know what? I do want to do some unloading. I know your type. Life has been bad to you. It has made you feel small. And then one day somebody gives you a fake cop outfit, a toy badge and a little spongebob tie. Suddenly it's payback time, right? Well, I got news for you, "Law & Order: Special Parking Unit," [rips ticket] not my fault.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Are you happy? You have reduced me to a person who eats a shoe.
Jay: Gloria, sit.
Gloria: You think this is funny? To talk to me like I am a dog?
Jay: I'm not talking to you like you're a dog. I'm just asking you to sit so we can get to the bottom of this.
Gloria: Okay, fine.
Jay: Good girl. Come on. You set me up.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Seeing that weird, wonderful little man pursuing his dream of walking on a tightrope made me think maybe I could pursue my dream. Of walking on a tightrope.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Wow. What was that?
Claire: That was a master class in parenting. Right now our daughters are upstairs making a decision they think is their own, but really, it was an idea that was skillfully implanted by me.
Phil: Inception, Claire. Dangerous game, but I like it.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Come on. We said no Stella in the bed.
Jay: Oh, but she's just a little puppy. She probably got scared and snuck in.
Gloria: Oh, really? How come when Manny has nightmares you don't let him snuck in the bed?
Jay: Gloria, it's 6:00 in the morning. Can we talk about this later?
Manny: [sleeping on the floor] Answer the question, Jay.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Hey, Uncle Mitchell. I really can't talk. I'm trying to watch a movie.
Mitchell: Oh, okay, well, I just wanted to drop off this bag of junk food.
Luke: Go on.
Mitchell: Uh, Cam and I are on a juice fast, so having this stuff in the house-
Luke: I connected the dots. See ya.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Mm! Sitting all by yourself at the table. Now where have I seen that again? Oh, right. Every day in the school cafeteria.
Alex: I do that by choice.
Haley: The school's choice.
Alex: Isn't that your nickname?
Claire: Haley, be nice to your sister. Alex, good save.

Quote from Haley

Alex: They finally bumped me up to the harder math class. Third period, Mr. Waters.
Haley: What? No, Mom, you cannot sign this. This is my class. You're a freshman. What are you doing in second-year math?
Alex: You're a senior. What are you still doing in second year math?
Haley: Not "still!" Again.
Claire: Alex, be nice to your sister. Haley, not a good save.

Quote from Claire

Haley: I knew it would suck having you at my school.
Claire: Well, hang in there. A couple more years, you'll have it all to yourself again.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [mocking voice] "And yet I see no children emerging from the vehicle." How'd you like to see my fist emerging into your face? Oh! Now I think of it!

Quote from Alex

Haley: Her hand's in the air, like, every five seconds, and she actually reminded Mr. Waters to assign homework.
The class loved that. Do you know how embarrassed I was?
Alex: Not as embarrassed as I was when she said 8 was a prime number. 8, Mom.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Looking great, Dad.
Phil: With these steps, I break the surly bonds- Chicken in a basket! Don't look at me.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] It's tough enough to deal with Cam when I'm at full strength, but I have been fasting just as long as he has, and I do not have the energy to deal with a big, needy brisketcase-- brass-- basketcase.

Quote from Manny

Manny: I've seen her do a lot of crazy stuff, but this is a whole new level. Is this a people cookie?
Jay: You're good.
Manny: A definitive "yes" or "no" would be appreciated. Those cupcakes did a number on me.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Gloria, why are you acting so crazy? It's just a little dog.
Gloria: It's not the little dog that is making me crazy. It's you that is making me crazy.
Jay: Me?
Gloria: Yeah, you used to put me first. You used to want me in that shower.
Manny: Should I be here for this?
Gloria: No, Manny. It's okay. I go. But I want you to know this. Where I come from, men cherish woman. It goes wife, mistress, dog. Dog always at the bottom.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] What was on my mind as I was walking across that wire? I kept thinking, if I can do this, then I've got two ways of getting across my yard.


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