Luke: Wait, Dad, I don't need a doctor.
Phil: What's up?
Luke: The other day, Uncle Mitchell brought over a bag of junk food so he and Cam could do a Jew fast.
Phil: Juice fast?
Luke: I'm pretty sure he said "Jew."

Gloria: Jay, look at this. It's ruined. Stella did this. She chew on my shoe! You have to discipline that stupid dog.
Jay: I discipline her all the time.
Gloria: Oh, really? How? By buying her little cupcakes?
Jay: They're not real cupcakes. They're doggy treats in the form of cupcakes.
Gloria: Yeah, you should have told that to Manny before he ate one.
Jay: Oh, come on. His coat never looked better. [laughs]

Claire: Hey, um, what the hell is this?
Officer Blevin: This zone is for loading and unloading, not for talking on the phone.
Claire: Yeah, I know, but I was talking on the phone to the school that my kids were about to come out of, so...
Officer Blevin: Are you aware this zone has a time limit?
Claire: N-no, I'm not.
Officer Blevin: Wow.
Claire: You know what? I do want to do some unloading. I know your type. Life has been bad to you. It has made you feel small. And then one day somebody gives you a fake cop outfit, a toy badge and a little spongebob tie. Suddenly it's payback time, right? Well, I got news for you, "Law & Order: Special Parking Unit," [rips ticket] not my fault.

Gloria: Are you happy? You have reduced me to a person who eats a shoe.
Jay: Gloria, sit.
Gloria: You think this is funny? To talk to me like I am a dog?
Jay: I'm not talking to you like you're a dog. I'm just asking you to sit so we can get to the bottom of this.
Gloria: Okay, fine.
Jay: Good girl. Come on. You set me up.

Phil: [aside to camera] Seeing that weird, wonderful little man pursuing his dream of walking on a tightrope made me think maybe I could pursue my dream. Of walking on a tightrope.

Phil: Wow. What was that?
Claire: That was a master class in parenting. Right now our daughters are upstairs making a decision they think is their own, but really, it was an idea that was skillfully implanted by me.
Phil: Inception, Claire. Dangerous game, but I like it.

Luke: Looking great, Dad.
Phil: With these steps, I break the surly bonds- Chicken in a basket! Don't look at me.

Gloria: Come on. We said no Stella in the bed.
Jay: Oh, but she's just a little puppy. She probably got scared and snuck in.
Gloria: Oh, really? How come when Manny has nightmares you don't let him snuck in the bed?
Jay: Gloria, it's 6:00 in the morning. Can we talk about this later?
Manny: [sleeping on the floor] Answer the question, Jay.

Luke: Hey, Uncle Mitchell. I really can't talk. I'm trying to watch a movie.
Mitchell: Oh, okay, well, I just wanted to drop off this bag of junk food.
Luke: Go on.
Mitchell: Uh, Cam and I are on a juice fast, so having this stuff in the house-
Luke: I connected the dots. See ya.

Haley: Mm! Sitting all by yourself at the table. Now where have I seen that again? Oh, right. Every day in the school cafeteria.
Alex: I do that by choice.
Haley: The school's choice.
Alex: Isn't that your nickname?
Claire: Haley, be nice to your sister. Alex, good save.