Phil Dunphy Quotes Page 1 of 47

Quote from Come Fly with Me

Phil: He's a little jumpy.
Claire: Oh, go figure. A teenage boy doesn't want to hang out with his girlfriend's dad.
Phil: I thought we were past all that. I'm all about taking it to the next level.
Claire: Really? I thought you were all about keeping it real.
Phil: Yes, but the whole point of keeping it real is so you can take it to the next level. Did you really not know that?

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Quote from Slow Down Your Neighbors

Phil: [aside to camera] I wish I were one of those people who thrives on the danger of leading a double life. You know, Bruce Wayne, Peter Parker, Hannah Montana.

Quote from Hit and Run

Phil: [aside to camera] I'll admit it. I'm turned on by powerful women: Michelle Obama, Oprah, Condoleezza Rice, Serena Williams... Wait a minute.

Quote from Clean Out Your Junk Drawer

Phil: I didn't feel like going to my grandpa's house that Sunday, so I pretended to have a cold. Wouldn't you know it, a few days later...
Claire: Oh, no.
Phil: Yep. I got the cold. I thought it was Karma, so I hopped on my bike and I rode straight to my grandpa's. I climbed in his lap and I hugged him so hard. We even shared an ice cream cone. It's a memory I'll always cherish, 'cause in a crazy coincidence, he got a cold, too, and was dead within a week.

Quote from Pilot

Phil: [aside to camera] I'm a cool dad. That's my thang. I'm hip. I surf the web, I text. LOL, Laugh Out Loud, OMG, Oh My God, WTF, Why The Face. You know, I know all the dances to High School Musical, so...

Quote from En Garde

Phil: [aside to camera] What does it take to make a great salesman? It's no big secret. You just follow the ABC's of salesmanship: Always Be Closing. Don't Ever Forget Great Home Ideas Just Keep Lurking Mostly Nearby.
Often, People Question Realtors' Sincerity. Take Umbrage. Violators Will- Oh, shoot

Quote from The Last Walt

Claire: [aside to camera] Walt, our elderly next door neighbor, died. He and Luke were pretty close, so we have to tell him. I'm a little nervous about it.
Phil: I think we should break it to him slowly.
Claire: Like how?
Phil: Well, first we'd say, "Luke, your friend Walt has a cold. You shouldn't go over there." Next day, "Bad news.
Walt's in the hospital, but he's still cracking jokes with the nurses." Next day, "They're trying an experimental drug. Fingers crossed." Next day, "His body rebelled. He's in a coma." Next day, he rallies. Next day, coma. Next day, coma. Next day, coma. Next day, eye flutter.
Claire: Stop. Just stop. Stop.

Quote from Fizbo

Phil: [aside to camera] I am brave. Roller coasters? Love 'em. Scary movies? I've seen Ghostbusters like seven times. I regularly drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So yeah, I'm pretty much not afraid of anything. Except clowns. Never shared that with the fam, so shh. Do have an image to maintain. I am not really sure where the fear comes from. My mother says it's because when I was a kid, I found a dead clown in the woods. But who knows?

Quote from Coal Digger

Phil: [aside to camera] Claire likes to say, you can be part of the problem or part of the solution. Well, I happen to believe that you can be both.

Quote from Slow Down Your Neighbors

Phil: [aside to camera] Bring it, Laura. You wanna test me? I've been tested my whole life. They could never find anything.

Quote from The Incident

Phil: Boy, things with your mom got pretty intense down there, huh? All like East Coast/West Coast. You feelin' me?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Act like a parent, talk like a peer. I call it "peerenting." I learned it from my own Dad who used to walk into my room and say, "what's up, sweathog?"

Quote from Airport 2010

Phil: [aside to camera] If you show enough houses, you learn all the tricks. Every Realtor is just a ninja in a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere, but not me. I'm completely clueless.

Quote from Me? Jealous?

Tad: Oh, I forgot the best part of the Costa Rica story. So we get home, and they've taken over the living room, they've taken over the kitchen, I mean, they're in the food, they're on the bed. And finally, after two years of complaining to Diego about this, he finally stops and says, "Okay, now I see it. You do have a monkey problem."
Claire: [laughs uproariously] A monkey problem!
Phil: Yeah, I heard him the first time.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: You can kiss my wife, you can take her to bed, but you cannot make her laugh. I wanna go back. You can kiss my wife, but only I can take her to bed and make her laugh. I wanna go back. Only I can take my wife to bed, comma, and make her laugh.

Quote from Alone Time

Claire: So we're running away from home. I mean, i-i- Is that okay?
Phil: Yes. We live with three adults. We're basically landlords in an apartment building. We're the Ropers!

Quote from Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Phil: Well, she does come by her wanderlust honestly. The kids here all know about my high school trip to the Soviet Union.
Alex: Yeah, but she doesn't need to hear about that.
Florence: No, please. Continue.
Phil: In the depths of the Cold War, my tumbling team was part of a cultural exchange. I became friends with a Russian tumbler named Sergei who wanted to hear all about the U.S. He asked me to... to send pictures when I got home, and not just touristy stuff. Sergei was interested in ordinary things. Uh, airports, um, power plants, train stations. His family was in the fence business. He said our military had the best fencing [chuckling] in the world. I must have sent him 100 pictures of the perimeter of Camp Pendleton.

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