Tad: Oh, I forgot the best part of the Costa Rica story. So we get home, and they've taken over the living room, they've taken over the kitchen, I mean, they're in the food, they're on the bed. And finally, after two years of complaining to Diego about this, he finally stops and says, "Okay, now I see it. You do have a monkey problem."
Claire: [laughs uproariously] A monkey problem!
Phil: Yeah, I heard him the first time.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: You can kiss my wife, you can take her to bed, but you cannot make her laugh. I wanna go back. You can kiss my wife, but only I can take her to bed and make her laugh. I wanna go back. Only I can take my wife to bed, comma, and make her laugh.

Jay: Biscuits and gravy?
Cameron: Yep, my grandma Bitsy's secret recipe, given to her by her housekeeper Delilah, who raised her and was her best friend. Kind of like "The Help," except Delilah was white, and was actually herself quite the racist.

Manny: Cam, our shared bathroom is not the place to work out whatever's going on here.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: I'm a child of divorce. Conflict resolution is something of a specialty. The key is, tell a personal story that applies to their situation, even if you have to make one up. That way, they really hear what they need to hear.

Phil: I really need this to go well so he makes me his realtor. This guy's flipping properties like they're extras in a kung fu movie.
Alex: So you're just kissing up to this guy for his money?
Phil: Not just. I really like him. He travels the world doing charity work, rock climbs, flies planes.
Luke: How does he have time to do all that?
Phil: Got divorced, and his whole life opened up. Guy's living the dream. His dream. Not my dream. I'm living my dream. You're my dream.
Claire: You can stop.

Claire: Did you see that?
Phil: A handshake that almost became a hug? Yeah, I saw it. I lived it. I think I'm in.
Claire: No, honey. He kissed me on the lips.
Phil: Another good sign!
Claire: It's not a good sign. Sweetie, you don't think that's weird?
Phil: Well, the guy's a world traveler. He has a time share in Costa Rica. That's probably how they do it there.
Claire: I don't know, honey. It felt like he lingered.
Phil: It's a progressive culture. Most of them travel by zip line.

Haley: Annie was amazing, so funny and cute and sweet.
Alex: Yeah, you've said.
Haley: She made this for me last night. Look how she signs her name with that big loopy "a." I'm totally going to frame this.
[aside to camera:]
Alex: I made this for Haley four years ago. You think this got framed? She tossed it in the garbage. Right after she wrote "Mrs. Haley Jonas Brothers" on it, like, 30 times.

Booker Bell: Where's my stalker?
Mitchell: Oh, he's gone. I've got rid of him. I'm sorry that he attacked you like that.
Booker Bell: Attacked? No, I don't mind a little smoke of my bloomers.
Mitchell: Well, just I thought since this was a business meeting, - we should-
Booker Bell: And you thought that maybe hanging with somebody would make me feel good with racket?
Mitchell: There's been a lot of tension between me and my dad. I'm actually staying at his house.
Booker Bell: Oh, so you chased away a man who's opening his home to you.
Mitchell: I get the sense that I'm losing you. Could I talk to Grandma Groovy?

Cameron: I'm sorry. You're right.
Manny: No. I'm sorry I snapped. I'm just going through some stuff with this girl I like, Danielle. She came over the other day, and Stella was all over her, and- and I got jealous. Which is crazy, right? I mean, Stella was only playing with her because she was new.
Cameron: Manny, sounds like Danielle was trying to get between you and your puppy, and that ain't cool. She seems immature, and you can do better. I'm sorry to be blunt, but I'm going through something myself right now. So, chin up. Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: It may not work every time, but you only need one fish to bite.

Gloria: Who is this Danielle?
Manny: She's my study partner in my history class, and we share a notebook. But her notes were really confusing, so I put them in order. Instead of thanking me for making our lives easier, she got all mad because she thought I was judging her.
Gloria: This girl is very bad news, Manny. You stay away from her.

Haley: Were you trying to read?
Alex: You're the one who tries to read.
Haley: Oh, my gosh! I am not that stupid!
Alex: Seriously, Haley, you think you are the coolest person ever!
Haley: Would you please stop just judging me and everything that I do?
Alex: "Look at me! I'm so cool!"
Luke: Enough! Enough! I am so sick of you two fighting all the time! You're a bad big sister, and you're a bad little sister! And you're both bad big sisters to me. Be normaler.