Previous Episode Next Episode 

38Quotes from ‘Me? Jealous?’

Modern Family: Me? Jealous?

314. Me? Jealous?

Aired February 8, 2012

Phil is so determined to get a client's business that he doesn't notice what Claire considers to be his inappropriate advances. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron stay over at Jay and Gloria's house while theirs is fumigated.

Quote from Phil

Tad: Oh, I forgot the best part of the Costa Rica story. So we get home, and they've taken over the living room, they've taken over the kitchen, I mean, they're in the food, they're on the bed. And finally, after two years of complaining to Diego about this, he finally stops and says, "Okay, now I see it. You do have a monkey problem."
Claire: [laughs uproariously] A monkey problem!
Phil: Yeah, I heard him the first time.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: You can kiss my wife, you can take her to bed, but you cannot make her laugh. I wanna go back. You can kiss my wife, but only I can take her to bed and make her laugh. I wanna go back. Only I can take my wife to bed, comma, and make her laugh.

Quote from Cameron

Jay: Biscuits and gravy?
Cameron: Yep, my grandma Bitsy's secret recipe, given to her by her housekeeper Delilah, who raised her and was her best friend. Kind of like "The Help," except Delilah was white, and was actually herself quite the racist.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Cam, our shared bathroom is not the place to work out whatever's going on here.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: I'm a child of divorce. Conflict resolution is something of a specialty. The key is, tell a personal story that applies to their situation, even if you have to make one up. That way, they really hear what they need to hear.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I really need this to go well so he makes me his realtor. This guy's flipping properties like they're extras in a kung fu movie.
Alex: So you're just kissing up to this guy for his money?
Phil: Not just. I really like him. He travels the world doing charity work, rock climbs, flies planes.
Luke: How does he have time to do all that?
Phil: Got divorced, and his whole life opened up. Guy's living the dream. His dream. Not my dream. I'm living my dream. You're my dream.
Claire: You can stop.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Did you see that?
Phil: A handshake that almost became a hug? Yeah, I saw it. I lived it. I think I'm in.
Claire: No, honey. He kissed me on the lips.
Phil: Another good sign!
Claire: It's not a good sign. Sweetie, you don't think that's weird?
Phil: Well, the guy's a world traveler. He has a time share in Costa Rica. That's probably how they do it there.
Claire: I don't know, honey. It felt like he lingered.
Phil: It's a progressive culture. Most of them travel by zip line.

Quote from Alex

Haley: Annie was amazing, so funny and cute and sweet.
Alex: Yeah, you've said.
Haley: She made this for me last night. Look how she signs her name with that big loopy "a." I'm totally going to frame this.
[aside to camera:]
Alex: I made this for Haley four years ago. You think this got framed? She tossed it in the garbage. Right after she wrote "Mrs. Haley Jonas Brothers" on it, like, 30 times.

Quote from Mitchell

Booker Bell: Where's my stalker?
Mitchell: Oh, he's gone. I've got rid of him. I'm sorry that he attacked you like that.
Booker Bell: Attacked? No, I don't mind a little smoke of my bloomers.
Mitchell: Well, just I thought since this was a business meeting, - we should-
Booker Bell: And you thought that maybe hanging with somebody would make me feel good with racket?
Mitchell: There's been a lot of tension between me and my dad. I'm actually staying at his house.
Booker Bell: Oh, so you chased away a man who's opening his home to you.
Mitchell: I get the sense that I'm losing you. Could I talk to Grandma Groovy?

Quote from Manny

Cameron: I'm sorry. You're right.
Manny: No. I'm sorry I snapped. I'm just going through some stuff with this girl I like, Danielle. She came over the other day, and Stella was all over her, and- and I got jealous. Which is crazy, right? I mean, Stella was only playing with her because she was new.
Cameron: Manny, sounds like Danielle was trying to get between you and your puppy, and that ain't cool. She seems immature, and you can do better. I'm sorry to be blunt, but I'm going through something myself right now. So, chin up. Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: It may not work every time, but you only need one fish to bite.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Who is this Danielle?
Manny: She's my study partner in my history class, and we share a notebook. But her notes were really confusing, so I put them in order. Instead of thanking me for making our lives easier, she got all mad because she thought I was judging her.
Gloria: This girl is very bad news, Manny. You stay away from her.

Quote from Luke

Haley: Were you trying to read?
Alex: You're the one who tries to read.
Haley: Oh, my gosh! I am not that stupid!
Alex: Seriously, Haley, you think you are the coolest person ever!
Haley: Would you please stop just judging me and everything that I do?
Alex: "Look at me! I'm so cool!"
Luke: Enough! Enough! I am so sick of you two fighting all the time! You're a bad big sister, and you're a bad little sister! And you're both bad big sisters to me. Be normaler.

Quote from Luke

Alex: Wow. I've never seen him like that.
Haley: Well, we do kind of neglect him. And if you think about it, he is kind of our little sister.
Alex: Remember how we used to dress him up?
Haley: I miss her.
Luke: [o.s.] I hear you, and I don't like where this is going!
Haley: You get the lipstick, I'll get the bra and tennis balls.
Alex: Betty Luke!
Luke: [o.s.] I will burn this house down!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Where is the cheese grater? Where is the cutting board?
Cameron: Where would you want it to be?
Gloria: Yes, right here next to the cheese grater.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I know it's hard to tell by looking at me, but I am not a natural homemaker. So when Cam came and organized my kitchen, I felt insecure and lashed out. In a way, I'm no better than Manny's crazy friend Danielle.

Quote from Cameron

Lily: Daddy, we forgot to give you this. It's like our jackets.
Cameron: I love it.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I guess I've always been a little sensitive about Lily not having a mother, and Gloria's so good at it. I got jealous. Maybe I should tell Manny this story. It might help him with that train wreck Danielle.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I was rude to you. I think I was just annoyed by all the lawyer jokes. I mean, let's be honest, you don't exactly beam with pride over what I do for a living.
Jay: Mockery is the sincerest form of flattery.
Mitchell: Pretty sure that's- That's not the saying. But, um, you know, Manny told me a story about his friend Danielle. [inhales]. She sounds like a real piece of work, by the way. But, uh, it made me realize that I take myself a little too seriously.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Listen, it goes without saying I've always been proud of you, and I brag about you all the time. So if I say, "What do lawyers use as birth control?" And the answer is, "Their personalities," I want you to know I'm not referring to you. You don't need any birth control.

Quote from Phil

Claire: What is wrong with you?
Phil: You laughed like it was "Who's on first?"
Claire: What?
Phil: He's on second. Don't try to cheer me up.

Quote from Phil

Claire: It's you. You are making me so happy right now. You stormed out of there, and you're acting like an idiot.
Phil: You like this? Because I am really uncomfortable.
Claire: Honey, I love it. Makes me feel special.
Phil: Sometimes, I really don't understand you.
Claire: I know. It's stupid, but it's nice to know that sometimes you'll fight for me, and all I have to do is laugh at some other guy's story. But no one makes me laugh like you do.
Phil: As long as it's always genuine.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Phil: You can fake anything you want with me, but not your laugh. I'd like to go back.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Oh, I hope Tad likes salmon. It's a bit of a risk serving fish to a first-time diner at Dunphy's. Maybe I should marinate a steak for backup.
Alex: I think someone has a man crush.
Phil: First of all, I would never date a potential client.
Claire: That's "first of all"?

Quote from Haley

Claire: [aside to camera] Recently, Haley got a little creative on one of her college applications and listed herself as a "big sister."
Haley: Technically, I am a big sister.
Phil: She capitalized the "b" and the "s."
Claire: Which makes sense, 'cause it was.
Phil: So Claire and I suggested-
Haley: Forced.
Phil: That she volunteer for the organization. We couldn't be prouder.
Claire: We could. Little bit.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: Hey, dad? Did you accidentally leave this hilarious book of lawyer jokes in the guest room?
Jay: I'll tell you if you can answer the following question: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
Mitchell: I don't know. What?
Jay: Well, one's a bottom-feeding mud-dweller and the other's a fish.
Mitchell: Zing!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Our house is being fumigated, so Jay and Gloria invited us to stay here for a few days. I am very excited to have 72 hours with this one.
Gloria: We don't get to spend much time together, so I know that we're gonna be like, um, um-
Cameron: Fred and Ginger?
Gloria: Who?
Cameron: Movie night! [both laugh]
[separately to camera:]
Jay: It's nosier than usual around here.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Oh, you know what? I need the angled screwdriver. I left it at the office. I, um, I keep it there because of- of all my signs. I'll, uh, put up a "for sale" sign, and next day, of course, I gotta put up the "sold" banner.
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: Then the next day, same deal. "For sale", "sold".
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Phil: "For sale." "Sold." "For sale." "Sold."
Claire: You're a great-- great salesman.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Ah, where did those come from?
Manny: Yeah, I thought amaryllis were out of season.
Cameron: Oh, I got a guy. You know, I just thought they'd brighten up the house a little bit.
Gloria: Oh, that was so thoughtful of you.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I didn't realize that my house needed brightening up.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: That smells delicious, but nothing for me. I've got an early work lunch.
Jay: Really? I didn't hear an ambulance.
Mitchell: Yeah, it's funny because it's what I've dedicated my life to.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Booker would play a prank, the sucker would be twisting in the wind, and just when you couldn't stand it anymore, he'd say, "Guess who just got their bell rung!" God, I'd love to meet him.
Cameron: Oh, they're just going down to Rae's. You should pop down. I'm sure he'd love to meet a fan.
Jay: I don't know. I met Boz Scaggs once, got all tongue-tied.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: The tax write-off alone makes financial sense. You know, even if you take the environment out of it.
Booker Bell: Well, don't take the environment out of it. Without the wetlands, there's no ducks, and without the ducks, there's nothing for me to shoot at.
Mitchell: Okay. Well, we're shooting from two different angles, but, uh, hopefully we'll end up at the same place.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You know, I gotta tell you one thing. One time when I was driving from Youngstown to Sugar Creek, you called this guy at a Kitty Litter Company and you asked him to bring over 900 pounds of litter, and in the background, you hear all these lions roaring, and [laughing]... I-I-I laughed so hard, I almost had an accident.
Booker Bell: The car or you?
Jay: Funny as ever!

Quote from Mitchell

Jay: Hey, are you still in touch with the old gang? Grandma Groovy? Spaceman Clyde?
Booker Bell: Are you kidding? I am the old gang.
Jay: No way.
Booker Bell: [as Grandma Groovy] I may be old, but I still know how to boggie.
Jay: My God, it's like she's here!
Mitchell: She is here! How are you still not getting this? That's her.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: This is a business meeting. Do you have any idea how inappropriate this is? No. No, of course you don't, because as far as you're concerned, all a lawyer does is walk into a bar with a rabbi and polar bear.
Jay: Grizzly, 'cause otherwise, with the bartender-
Mitchell: Dad! I'm working! You're embarrassing both of us! Please, you gotta go.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Yeah, look who came by to fix the table.
Tad: Well, I had some time to kill, so I thought I'd drop by with that tool your wife needed.
Phil: Wow. What a guy.
Claire: Yeah.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I just got sycamore, a house that sells itself and gives me the commission.
Claire: How does that not bother you?
Phil: Claire, it's an expression. There's work. Inspections, appraisals-
Claire: He brought me wine, he took his shirt off when you weren't here!
Phil: Um, he brought us wine, and it doesn't look super vacuumed down there. I'm surprised he kept his pants on.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Okay, I can see what's going on. You- You're just so focused on getting his business, that you don't see what's going on in front of you.
Phil: Okay. Now I do see what's going on.
Claire: What?
Phil: Come here, pretty girl.
Claire: What? Mm?
Phil: You are, you know. You don't hear it enough. The other night, when you put on makeup, I was like, "There she is."
Claire: Oh, my God.

Quote from Alex

Alex: What are you doing?
Haley: Helping my little sister with her homework.
Alex: That seems mean.

Quote from Luke

Haley: Annie, this is Alex. That other sister I was telling you about.
Alex: Hi. So nice to meet you. Um, if you're going to study there, you might need to correct numbers 7 through 10. This bed has higher standards than that bed.
Annie: I'm going to get some more lemonade. [passing Luke on the stairs] I think your sister's mad at our sister.

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: Lily, Lily, come! Show your papa what we bought!
Lily: Matchy jackets!
Gloria: It's like she's the baby leopard, and I'm the mama.
Cameron: Or they just happened to have two jackets, one large, one small.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: What happened here? Where is my tea?
Cameron: Oh, it's in this drawer over here. As a thank-you, I took some time to rearrange your kitchen so it makes sense.
Gloria: To who?
Cameron: To everyone. There's a flow now. Watch. Tea. Mug. Kettle. You're welcome.
Gloria: I didn't thank you.
Cameron: You don't have to.
Gloria: I won't.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [answering phone] Hello? Yeah, this is Jay Pritchett. What? When?
Mitchell: What happened?
Jay: It's the police. My car got stolen. Yeah, 2012. Gray. No, not pewter. More like a light- Like a- No, not slate. I don't even know what "coastal fog" is. Just put down "gray." Kilo? It's not my car. Yes, she's Colombian. What does that have to do with- No, I'm coming down there. Hang on. Grab your keys. I think I might need a lawyer.
Booker Bell: Guess who just got his bell rung?
Mitchell: That's good. That's good.

Quote from Phil

Phil: What is going on?
Claire: You guys are in a lot of trouble. Haley, I told you to clean this mess up, and, Alex, your books are everywhere. Betty Luke, sit down while your dad gets the camera.
Phil: Got it.
Claire: Last time, you made a funny face and we didn't really get a good shot, so let's work on our smile.
Phil: Okay. Good to see you, Betty Luke.


 Episode 313 Episode 315